Decided too quick?

[ellie.hoult]

Hi all,

This is my first post and hopefully its in the right section. I've extensively read various forums but I'm still hoping someone with real world experience can confirm it for me to make me feel a bit better.

As a bit of background I've been doing various things for the entirety of my life (33.5 years) which now I come to look at them objectively make me realise I've had gender dysphoria all along. Until 5 weeks ago though I've never even thought about it as I've clearly completely suppressed it.

About 5 weeks ago it came out at work that I dress female at home. Someone found my female twitter profile including pictures by accident.

I spent two weeks panicking as I thought I was going to get fired, but that's all sorted now, so I didn't really think about the cause of my dressing for those two weeks.

Once work was sorted I started looking around the net, including here, and came to the conclusion about gender dysphoria as a lot of peoples experiences I've read about ring very true.

I've started seeing a therapist who deals with gender but also carried on looking around the various net resources.

This last week I had virtually reached the point of booking in to see the GP to be referred to the Gender Clinic to start transition. This is despite the fact I've told nobody and it will crush my wife. I only backed out after reading some negative type articles about transition.

My question is can you really go from an apparently heterosexual biological male, admittedly with now apparent life long low level depression, to realising that you actually should have been a female all along in such a short time (3 weeks). I'm basically wondering if stress/worry/panic has brought it on as opposed to it being genuine as it seems so fast for such a huge decision.

Ellie xx

[Johanna M]

Hi Ellie and welcome to the forum.
Can't tell which way you should take in the long run. Only you can decide. A lot of people at Susan's has experienced dysphoria for many years before taking the step and start their transition. Others don't transition. Etc..

I started HRT seven months ago after at least five years of hard struggle within myself. I'm lucky to have support from my family and from my boss. This year has been like a rollercoaster. The one thing i regret is not starting my transition earlier. But thats me.

Take your time to decide. Continue to see your therapist.

Johanna

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[Megan.]

Hi Ellie,  I'm a UK based MTF [emoji4].
As previously said,  only you can figure out where your journey is going to take you, but using a therapist is a very good tool in that quest.
Practically,  the GIC referral by your GP will take so long,  that if you think you might need that service in future,  you might consider getting that ball rolling. Even at my first GIC appointment (10 months after my referral) I told them clearly I still didn't know,  by my second appointment I had finally come to a conclusion.
There's lots of great people,  experiences and advice here, but you are the master (or mistress?) of your own journey. X

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[SadieBlake]

from an apparently heterosexual biological male, admittedly with now apparent life long low level depression, to realising that you actually should have been a female all along

Sounds like me, except I took something like a year to get to the realization that I'm female and another 18 to get to transitioning. Quicker sounds better to me and as far as rushing into it, there's a whole lot of reversible steps along the way so I'd say don't stress on it too much.

For reasons of my own from the point I realized I needed to transition I went to committed to GCS within a year. A bit rushed but it's worked out fine for me.

[Roll]

Hey Ellie! (That's the name I'm going with myself! <3)

I've had some of the same fears about rushing, I think the best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing: therapy and taking personal stock. Since my initial fears, I've decided that I'm not rushing at all, this is something I've wanted my entire conscious life, and 25 years is anything but a rush. (I'm 35, so about the same time as you actually. Which is now making me wonder if the name is something generational I'm not remembering.)

[Michelle_P]

I thought I was something else growing up, particularly after being caught and given 1960s medical care (ECT and aversion therapy were recommended, but my parents settled for testosterone injections and religious counseling).

I met a transwoman when I was 32, an applicant for a job on my software team. During the interview my subconscious outed me to myself; "She's so brave. I wish I could do that."

I read everything I could find on the subject and quickly, within a few weeks, realized what I was. Having a young family, and still associating being transgender with intense shame from my childhood,  I resolved to suppress myself and take this to the grave.

I very nearly did, with an abortive suicide attempt at age 62. I got help, therapy, started HRT, and went full time a year ago. I lost my wife, my home, and almost all my possessions. It has been the happiest year of my adult life.

I am at peace with myself at long last, and am living my authentic life. I have wonderful friends who accept me, and a rich spiritual life.

Of course I regret the harm my keeping this secret has caused others, but I do not regret finally putting my needs before the discomfort of others.

Yes, it is possible to realize our true nature very quickly once we face the evidence of our lives. What we do with that realization is far more important than how quickly we come to it.


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[ellie.hoult]

Thanks for the replies everyone 

I'll keep going with the therapist and see. I was just a little freaked out today as for the first time ever when I changed out of my femme ensemble back to my usual clothes I looked at myself and didn't connect the person I saw with me.

It probably isn't too fast to have come to the conclusion it's just that in other topics people go on about months from "diagnosis" to deciding what they want to do where as Im certain of what it is way quicker. I wouldn't actually rush the decision anyway when it comes to it.

@Roll I don't remember Ellie being big when I was a kid, I've only ever met one. I just like the name and thought it was feminine and seemed to fit 

Ellie xx

[Megan.]

Thanks for the replies everyone 

I'll keep going with the therapist and see. I was just a little freaked out today as for the first time ever when I changed out of my femme ensemble back to my usual clothes I looked at myself and didn't connect the person I saw with me.

It probably isn't too fast to have come to the conclusion it's just that in other topics people go on about months from "diagnosis" to deciding what they want to do where as Im certain of what it is way quicker. I wouldn't actually rush the decision anyway when it comes to it.

@Roll I don't remember Ellie being big when I was a kid, I've only ever met one. I just like the name and thought it was feminine and seemed to fit 

Ellie xx

I lived part-time for about 18 months,  but it got harder and harder to change back to the old me at the end of day.
Remember, there's no rules,  you can always go back or pause things if you reach a point where it's not 'right'.

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[Laurie]

Hi Ellie

  I'm Laurie I'm 64 and have been on hrt since early December of last year. I discovered  something about gender dysphoria in November. Until that time I was a life long crossdresser or so I thought. So I am one of those that made a quick decision. I think that decision is right still.

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[sarah1972]

My question is can you really go from an apparently heterosexual biological male, admittedly with now apparent life long low level depression, to realising that you actually should have been a female all along in such a short time (3 weeks). I'm basically wondering if stress/worry/panic has brought it on as opposed to it being genuine as it seems so fast for such a huge decision.

I came to the conclusion pretty quick as well. And while I had mild depressions for a while, did like wearing female cloths for most of my live I just had no real words for what was going on. My world came crushing down in postpartum depressions and as soon as I started researching that it was only a few more clicks to Susan's and then realizing what helped me get out if it was dressing female and then that I wanted to be a girl all my life. I guess just finding words and figuring out I am not alone in this, made it somewhat easier.

I still took it slow from there and sat on it for a few month before even starting to see a Therapist to get final confirmation.

Did your Therapist confirm your suspicion or did he just refer you to a Gender clinic? It seems you are not deeply depressed, so you could take some time to let the Therapist help figuring out what direction to go.
But then there is the Twitter accident... Initially you might have had a chance to claim it was just for fun but the stay be too late now.

In the end I think you are on a goo track of making a plan to see a specialist.

My one recommendation though is not to wait too long until you talk to your wife. Maybe make another plan with your Therapist.

[ellie.hoult]

Sarah,

The therapist didn't refer me anywhere I researched it myself and had a mad moment of thinking I should just get on with it. I'm fully intending to go through it fully with her before I do anything though now.

I know I should tell her. I was hoping I could work out with the therapist what it is I actually want to do first. In all honesty though I know I'm going to have to eventually as even if I came to the conclusion of carrying on as I am and effectively suppressing everything again I can't not tell her as I may not always be able to carry on and we could be way mpre entangled by then (namely kiddies). I'm very doubtful I can close Pandora's box now it's open anyway if I'm honest.

Ellie xx

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. To answer your question, yes however it's not quite like you describe. All of us except the ones who have always known live our life but we seem to not fit in 100%. We fake it or are close enough that nobody including us question our identity. Then one day there is an awakening event that causes us to look at our self and discover we really don't fit and may not have fit for a long time.

In my case, my awakening happened at age 13 and prior to that, I seemed to be a normal little boy. It took years before I could look at my past and see signs that dated back to age 3 or 4 indicating that there was more to me. I was well behaved, I preferred passive play and didn't understand or like male activities. My friends were female when they would accept me and when I had to settle for male friends, they were very few in number and outsiders like me.

I see many people on the site, some in the 50s or 60s who like you have pushed the truth aside in order to live life. Unfortunately the truth has a nasty habit of coming out and making it's self known. Once it does, it's best to deal with it and take it to where you are comfortable with yourself.

[ellie.hoult]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

@Dena I do get what you're saying. I just feel a bit of a fraud though. I've seen loads of accounts of people who struggled for years even to the point of considering suicide and I can apparently manage blissfully unaware for 3 decades and then so quickly decide I actually am the wrong gender.

Ellie xx

[Roll]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

@Dena I do get what you're saying. I just feel a bit of a fraud though. I've seen loads of accounts of people who struggled for years even to the point of considering suicide and I can apparently manage blissfully unaware for 3 decades and then so quickly decide I actually am the wrong gender.

Ellie xx

The feeling that I was a fraud was a dominant worry for me even just about a month ago. I thought I knew what I felt and I knew I wasn't intentionally lying, but I had this underlying fear that I was making it up, convincing myself of something that wasn't true for that very same reason. I saw so many people who did feel so dysphoric they tried to take their own life or cause themselves bodily harm (self castration), that I just couldn't reconcile the difference in how I felt versus how they felt. I had the feeling that how dare I pretend to something so dire for so many people, as if I had a head cold and was complaining about being sick to someone with stage 4 cancer. But notice I'm using the past tense! The more I read the experiences on these forums, the more I spoke with my therapist, and the more I took stock of my own life that fear that I was fraud disappeared. For one, the level of extremity that was my view of being transgender is not the normal. Yes, the suicide rate and self-harm rate for trans people is much higher than the general populace, but it is not 100% by any stretch of the imagine. And I was also able to recognize the fact that the issue has affected my life dramatically, I simply expressed it in other ways. One person's suicide attempt was my retreat from the world into an agoraphobic stupor of denial. Even then if it had not, if I had lived a relatively "normal" life, that would also in no way invalidate my feelings and my inner self, anymore than it would invalidate yours. Above all, one important point was brought up a few times that really helped me in recognizing I wasn't a fraud... Cis-gender people don't typically have these thoughts at all. By the very fact you are here, you are on the transgender spectrum, and thus you aren't a fraud.

[ellie.hoult]

Roll,

I know you're right intellectually as I know full well if I asked my best friend if he wanted to be female he'd think I'd gone nuts.

It's just that the decision seems unreachable. I'd probably be sacrificing my wife, family and some friends as well as getting all the "standard" abuse and looks etc that come from transitioning for an unquantifiable increase in my own happiness.

Had I been at the point of despair after years of hanging on I could see wanting to transition but it seems ridiculous to want it so quick when there's so much to lose after seemingly so little pain. Yes I have been depressed mildly for years and I do have isolation and everything else but the cost seems so high.

It's cliche and I've seen other people put it, but if it was ten years ago and I was a millionaire I wouldn't even be typing here I'd be on a train to Harley Street now and my current desire given the life I've had so easy just seems nutty.

Ellie xx

[Dena]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

@Dena I do get what you're saying. I just feel a bit of a fraud though. I've seen loads of accounts of people who struggled for years even to the point of considering suicide and I can apparently manage blissfully unaware for 3 decades and then so quickly decide I actually am the wrong gender.

Ellie xx

I think you are not looking at the facts. You said that you were caught cross dressing. How long has that been going on? Cross dressers are a part of the transgender family though normally they are separate from transsexuals. The twist in the story is many of us cross dress to relieve the discomfort we feel. Some of us discover that cross dressing isn't enough and then move into the transsexual category making us latent transsexuals.

Yes, I am one who had to fight with it for years and almost cost my life but we have far to many on the site who married and raised a family for me to think my way was the only way. Some of us are just a bit slower figuring it out. Even I should have known 10 years earlier than I did but it took until I was 13 before I realized what was wrong with my life.

It's common for us to  feel like a fraud. Society spent years programming us to fit into the role that a little bit of flesh said we should fit into. We are going against years of brainwashing so the question of what do they know that I don't keeps coming up. The correct question is what do I know that they don't.