How did your actual life change:lose/gain

[Toni]

Well, it seems the posts have really turned introspective.  Great, asking guidance from those who have gone before us is what this wonderful group does really well.  I was going to post this before I read some of the most recent self questioning ones.  I've been on hrt for about 22 months now, came out to my wife a bit over 6 months ago.  When I did that and she accepted me the flood gates opened.  I'm scheduled for srs and have moved quite rapidly toward where I want to be, no questions about that.  I'm settling in to a point that I apparently give off a girly vibe in a perfectly natural way without even realizing it.  I was dressed a little girly last weekend when my wife and I went shopping and I just had mascara on and an otherwise just weekend shopping casual girl look (jeans and T, ponytail and sandals) and my wife said I seemed really girly for some reason.  I was tired and just pouring over the sale racks like a lot of other women, or trying shoes on at DSW with lots of women and some men moving around me just like anyone else and I was just in my own world not trying to present anything at all and I guess the real me was just showing.  It's really happening all on it's own.
     When we got home I had to organize my part of our walk in closet (my wife had claimed about 3/4 of it) as I'm starting to get a nice selection of girl clothes.  I decided to let go of over half of my guy stuff; suits, jeans,shirts jackets that all said "male" too strongly and I'll never wear again.  Felt sort of weird in that I realized that part of me was really leaving.  Not remorseful, but a realization that I'm going somewhere that I will never return from.  Same with other parts of my old life.  Cars, trucks, planes, heavy equipment, tools, shop equipment of all types are being sold off because I'm ready to let them go because I really have lost interest in doing those sort of things anymore.  It's such a total change my wife said "when you are who you need to be what will you do?  I can't see you being happy with nothing to keep you interested and creative."  She's probably right, although for the moment THIS is my biggest project.  I used to play a lot of  music and was a fair artist and my wife and I want to travel and spend more time in activities we both like (cooking, dancing, live music).   Love to get back to that.  Have you felt the leaving of old parts of you?  What have you had to let go and what has replaced it in your lives?  Anything particularly difficult (other than relationships that no longer worked)?   Thanks, Toni

[Charlie Nicki]

I'm too early to contribute anything useful but I'm interested in the replies on this thread

[Allie24]

At first I had a lot of girly clothes but over time I've reverted back to a tomboyish/androgynous look. It's just how I feel comfortable dressing. I shop in both the women's and men's sections, and I have kept all my interests from before (drawing, sci fi/fantasy novels, comics, punk rock, etc.). For me it's always been about the body under the clothes, not tge clothes themselves.

[Lady Sarah]

I guess I was hard wired to do the DIY stuff, and have not lost interest in that at all. Since I have become happy with who I am, I actually do a lot more than I used to. My skills have increased. Oddly enough, my biological mother is the same way. We believe there is no difference between what men can do, and what women can do, as long as we put our minds to it. Guys are fascinated by women that can do what we can, and some are threatened by it. We just don't care. We do what we can. I'm teaching Phillip as well.

[FinallyMichelle]

I never really had a lot of those things. The tools that I had were the ones that I needed when I owned my own home. I have always had tiny cars, I am not sure why. Never been a mechanic or mechanically inclined. Being a hillbilly I owned my first gun when I was 12 but after killing my first animal I never hunted again. I fished, catch and release, but I am not the kind of person that likes to do things alone so when my friends stopped inviting me I stopped fishing. I ended up giving my stuff to my best friend when her boyfriend wanted to take her fishing. I do miss that. My boyfriend has talked about going fishing but every time we go to buy tackle he goes through the front door and straight to the guns. Two hours of me following him around, battery on my phone dying, him looking at guns and talking to anyone and everyone about skeet shooting, he goes, 'Sorry we will look at tne fishing stuff next time.' Grr! So, yeah I guess I miss that. I am not sure those are really male or female though. I personally don't have girlfriends that work on cars but I know of a girl that does. I have a very good friend that loves to hunt, she has a gigantic truck and wears a baseball cap when she does any outdoor activity and she has two little girls and a husband that loves her distraction. So I don't know, female or male? Does it really matter?

I do love the question though. Since starting transition I have not thought once about what I have lost and have rarely thought about what I have gained.

Okay so, now I am happy about this but at the time it was horrible, quitting smoking. No surgeon wants to operate  on a smoker. It has been a while and I am very glad that I quit but wow was that a pain.

I had to give up not caring. I know that is stupid but I spent so long not caring what I looked like, not striving for anything that the anxiety of making an effort threatened to pull me under a time or two. When people were making fun of me and my old "friends" were doing worse, looking in the mirror and crying, seeing how far that I had to go, keeping my my head down when guys were threatening me, waking up in the hospital when keeping my head down didn't work, I would imagine how easy it would be to not care again, not strive.

Looking at everything now I can't see anything as giving up, I see it as trading up. My life, me really who I am, is so much better.

One thing that I lost that maybe I would like back at least a little would be my misguided belief that there were things about me that were superior or awesome maybe. Not arrogant but a self assurance. I don't know why but I always feel less than everyone now, I hate that. As awful as my life was before people enjoyed being around me, always someone hanging out in my office to talk, before I quit working there no one would talk to me and a lot of people made fun of me. Some of that was definitely my fault, it got harder and harder for me to act like nothing was wrong and I just stopped talking to people. I was never afraid before, not really, I fought my way through the first 18 years of my life. The last almost fight I got into was in basic training, he said that I didn't know him, what he was capable of. I told him he was right but I know exactly what I am capable of and unless he was Chuck Norris's son I like my odds. Lol, no I was not that awesome but I was very confident. That is gone now completely. I have been afraid for so long now of everyone and everything that I look on that confidence I had as a joke. Actually I look on all of my once imagined strengths as a farce. It was an illusion but now I have to figure out how to move forward without it. Meh, just whining a bit. 😊 But yeah, I didn't intentionally give up my self-confidence, didn't even know that I had any confidence before, but now that it is gone I wish that I had just a little back.

Maybe that wasn't what you looking for, sorry. Just felt like talking. 😉

Michelle

[Toni]

  I spent my life in engineering and R&D and have always designed and built things.  I don't think I am no longer capable, but I just don't have the drive to compete or feel the need to look at problems as a challenge anymore.  If something breaks, I can still fix it, I can build most anything but don't get satisfaction from doing so.  I enjoy people more and get more pleasure out of an emotional connection.  I like this, but it's a change from the world I used to live in and I find myself really repulsed by any form of aggression or any activities that are based upon that (most sports).  I was a supremely confident and capable male, but although I feel confident in who I am, any bravado is pretty much gone, I feel much more demure and frankly, I'm uncomfortable around males I don't know.  Terrible that some of us have had to endure mistreatment at the hands of males and lose self confidence in the process.  I thank you for having the strength to share that.  I think that, with time, we can become self confident again, but we have to learn that there are real differences between the male world we are vacating and the female world we're moving into.  We can regain confidence as we understand how women survive and see new skills develop in us and learn how to use them.  I have realized for a long time that I was no longer a match for physically aggressive people (not that I was ever aggressive, but I could hold my own and that kept me out of trouble).  I also have begun to understand why females are born with and develop such a strong ability to "read" people, it's our first line of defense.  So I feel very confident in my mental and emotional abilities that have grown significantly, but I have surrendered my physical prowess.   Something lost, but something more valuable gained.

[HappyMoni]

I was thinking at first that I just gained a lot of, "Now I can's" but lost nothing. That is true, I can be me, but I actually lost something. I think, because of my voice issues, I have lost the ability to be more vocal. I used to speak out more, wise crack more. Now, I never know how my voice will be, so I get more quiet. It isn't all bad though. I became a better listener, more selective in my humor too. Not a bad thing if you want a more traditional female presence. I consider that it is good too because I need to learn the vocal social mores of being female, and this makes me think more of what I am saying. I do miss the ease of just talking without thinking about voice quality. Of course at one point I had mastered the art of speaking without thinking. Bla, bla, bla, you know the type.
Moni

[FinallyMichelle]

I think that I share too much.  Thank you.
Yeah, I am not very comfortable around men at all anymore. It takes me a long time to feel and act normal around a guy. Dating was crazy until I found a system that allowed me to slowly move forward. It doesn't help that I am not promiscuous at all, even the nice ones were wanting sex and that just wasn't happening until I got to know them better. Thankfully I found a great guy and don't have to worry about that right now.
Unfortunately I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, especially when I am in a hurry. It used to be that when someone looked at me like I had an ear growing out of my forehead I could just laugh it off and say that I will get there, be patient. Now I mumble something like nevermind or it's not important and just pull away.
Self confidence is completely Thpppppppppft but I am learning to live without that and courage. Knowing every time I talk I am probably messing up and every guy that doesn't know is potentially someone that will hurt me if he knew, and just going on and living anyway.
I hadn't been in any kind of physical confrontation in 30 years, now I just keep to myself and try not to be noticed.  Doesn't work so much lately, I get stared at a lot. I can't hurt anything and the anger that pushed me dissolved by the time I was 18. Nope, not a fighter but I spent all that time thinking that if I had to, in order to defend myself, I could. It didn't work out that way.
One of the problem I started to develop with guys years and years ago was the lack of common ground. I think it started or I started to notice it was with gore in movies or very violent movies. Yuck, seriously eww! I just got tired of pretending that I was okay with it. The next is how men will talk about women, I had always hated it but I never said anything because I didn't want anyone to think that I was gay. Lame huh? It got to the point that I just couldn't tolerate it anymore. There were so many more things that I had no desire to talk about that somehow I endured over the years. Before I came out that all ended, I stopped pretending to be something that I am not. Wow, the guys at work did not take it well. For over a year they called me the worst names, groped me, shoved me and worse until I came out. It all stopped instantly BUT almost all of the guys stopped talking to me at all. That was an alright time in my transition. With the guys that still talked to me most of the friendships just slowly faded and I was okay with that we had nothing in common. It was even more okay because I was starting to get girl friends. That has been one of the most amazing things about transition is my friends changing from people that I never really understood to people that I actually shared something in common with. Not that it was all awesome with my girlfriends in the beginning. I don't know if anyone has experienced this but. Well okay, like girls that are just curious. They ask a ton of personal questions and at first I answered them because it felt so good to be included with people like me. Then as they learned what they wanted to know they faded into an acquaintance which was fine but, hey! now they know things about me that there is no way I would tell an acquaintance. So I started to be more careful. My best friend for more than 20 years is a woman and I knew that it would all work out eventually and it did. Then I started to pass a little, yay! Now some of my "friends" just have to make sure everyone knows that I am trans, including my roommate at the time who had been my friend since we were in school and she dated my brother. We did eventually work it out though we are not nearly as close anymore. So anyway, now I am starting over at 48 and finding good friends. Lol, now would be an awesome time to have a little confidence but I am starting to manage. 

Yep, everything is changing.  For me that has been a good thing.

Thank you for letting me ramble on.

Michelle

[Charlie Nicki]

Now some of my "friends" just have to make sure everyone knows that I am trans, including my roommate at the time who had been my friend since we were in school and she dated my brother.

Really? That's so rude of them. What do they do that?

[FinallyMichelle]

I can't really say for sure why all of them do. My roommate specifically just couldn't resist sharing the juicy tidbit. She loves being the one with the gossip and it doesn't matter to her who it is about. One of my friends just wanted everyone to know that she had a trans friend, then we ran into some of her other friends while we were out. I told them my name and their eyes got big and the one was like, 'Oh, you are that transgender girl she was telling us about.' My friend was very apologetic and whether she stopped or not I do not know but we still get together for day trips and other things. Just not where I used to live and she still lives. There was one, who I stopped associating with right away, that didn't want people treating me like a girl at all. It was very strange and I have no idea why she was like that. Even confronted her about it when she asked why I didn't talk to her anymore, she didn't answer and we haven't talked since. I don't know why people are the way they are. I have one aunt that, until only a few months ago, every time I saw or talked to her she had to say, 'You know that I don't agree with what you are doing but I love you.' She is my pinochle partner every month when we get together and play with her friends that started about a year and a half ago. They are all crazy but wonderful old ladies that like wine and chocolate, sometimes wine and other snacks, but always wine. They have only called me she and her and even would correct my aunt when she called me he, it made her so mad. Then at the beginning of last summer I was teasing her because she couldn't have any wine, some blood test or another, she said 'You may be big but I will still kick your ass girl!' It looked like she was going to swallow her tongue when she realized what she had said, but that was it, I have been her niece in every way since that day with no more crap about not agreeing with me. By the way, I am not a fan of wine and chocolate  . Love them both but together, no way.

I don't hold it against anyone anymore if they disagree with my transition, most of the people I meet now don't even know. Some I don't have anything to do with if for no other reason than to protect myself, but there are some that are wonderful people that can't understand.

[Lady Sarah]

I never really had a lot of those things. The tools that I had were the ones that I needed when I owned my own home. I have always had tiny cars, I am not sure why. Never been a mechanic or mechanically inclined. Being a hillbilly I owned my first gun when I was 12 but after killing my first animal I never hunted again. I fished, catch and release, but I am not the kind of person that likes to do things alone so when my friends stopped inviting me I stopped fishing. I ended up giving my stuff to my best friend when her boyfriend wanted to take her fishing. I do miss that. My boyfriend has talked about going fishing but every time we go to buy tackle he goes through the front door and straight to the guns. Two hours of me following him around, battery on my phone dying, him looking at guns and talking to anyone and everyone about skeet shooting, he goes, 'Sorry we will look at tne fishing stuff next time.' Grr! So, yeah I guess I miss that. I am not sure those are really male or female though. I personally don't have girlfriends that work on cars but I know of a girl that does. I have a very good friend that loves to hunt, she has a gigantic truck and wears a baseball cap when she does any outdoor activity and she has two little girls and a husband that loves her distraction. So I don't know, female or male? Does it really matter?

I do love the question though. Since starting transition I have not thought once about what I have lost and have rarely thought about what I have gained.

Okay so, now I am happy about this but at the time it was horrible, quitting smoking. No surgeon wants to operate  on a smoker. It has been a while and I am very glad that I quit but wow was that a pain.

I had to give up not caring. I know that is stupid but I spent so long not caring what I looked like, not striving for anything that the anxiety of making an effort threatened to pull me under a time or two. When people were making fun of me and my old "friends" were doing worse, looking in the mirror and crying, seeing how far that I had to go, keeping my my head down when guys were threatening me, waking up in the hospital when keeping my head down didn't work, I would imagine how easy it would be to not care again, not strive.

Looking at everything now I can't see anything as giving up, I see it as trading up. My life, me really who I am, is so much better.

One thing that I lost that maybe I would like back at least a little would be my misguided belief that there were things about me that were superior or awesome maybe. Not arrogant but a self assurance. I don't know why but I always feel less than everyone now, I hate that. As awful as my life was before people enjoyed being around me, always someone hanging out in my office to talk, before I quit working there no one would talk to me and a lot of people made fun of me. Some of that was definitely my fault, it got harder and harder for me to act like nothing was wrong and I just stopped talking to people. I was never afraid before, not really, I fought my way through the first 18 years of my life. The last almost fight I got into was in basic training, he said that I didn't know him, what he was capable of. I told him he was right but I know exactly what I am capable of and unless he was Chuck Norris's son I like my odds. Lol, no I was not that awesome but I was very confident. That is gone now completely. I have been afraid for so long now of everyone and everything that I look on that confidence I had as a joke. Actually I look on all of my once imagined strengths as a farce. It was an illusion but now I have to figure out how to move forward without it. Meh, just whining a bit. 😊 But yeah, I didn't intentionally give up my self-confidence, didn't even know that I had any confidence before, but now that it is gone I wish that I had just a little back.

Maybe that wasn't what you looking for, sorry. Just felt like talking. 😉

Michelle

Yeah, I know jack about engines, so I leave that to those who know what they're doing. Fixing up a house is no problem. I taught myself to weld after my transition, since there is a lot that has to be welded. The idea of paying someone to do every little thing is ridiculous. I was not born with a silver spoon up my back side. If I had been, I'd have have GCS by now. Another huge problem with paying people to do things, is that they take the money, and you never see them again. It's much cheaper to DIY.

[KathyLauren]

I have always been a techie: my work and my hobbies were always kind of technical.  I am not sure how much of that was interest, how much was taking refuge in something that wouldn't judge me, how much was using an aptitude to buy acceptance.  It was probably a combination of those.

These days, I can still do all of that stuff, but I am finding I have less interest in doing it.  My main hobby is astrophotography, which is highly technical.  But I no longer have the patience to wrestle with balky equipment or malfunctioning software.  I just want to take pretty pictures.  The software and equipment had just better @#$% work!

I recently wired up electricity in our barn.  I rented an excavator, dug the trench ran all the wires, etc.  I can still do all that stuff well, but I no longer enjoy it.  I did it because it needed doing and because I can do it cheaper than hiring a contractor.

What I'd rather be doing is sitting in the sun with a big floppy hat and glass of wine or a drink with an umbrella in it, listening to some cool jazz.

Might be that I'm getting older, too. 

[Toni]

Dancing with my wife.  While watching a movie last night with a lot of ballroom dancing, it suddenly struck me that I may not be able to do that again?  Awhile back (pre GD) wife and I went to Luckenbach dance hall and had a really good time.  We always really liked dancing with each other at weddings and events.  Now it's hitting me, how can I do that anymore?  With my changes I find I really like dancing again and do it a lot to exercise (Latin jazz). After srs in Feb. and with the way my boobs are growing I'm almost having a hard time hiding things as it is.  I know we can't stay out here in rural Texas as very soon I won't look the same facially or bodily and this small community can't keep a secret.   But, especially with breasts I can't hide and a body that doesn't look very masculine anymore I'm not sure I'd even get by with androgynous.  Sure as hell can't be on the dance floor as a couple of ladies dancing cheek to cheek along with all the cowboys.  What about even things like weddings or other family events?  None of the family know now and many are real fundamentalist Christians (we aren't).  I'm less concerned about sly comments but really concerned about physical safety of my wife and me.  We know this place we live now won't work and have plans to vacate, but can we ever dance together again?  Kathy, I think you said your marriage was still in tact, how have you handled this, if you have? What if a guy wants to dance with my wife, or worse, me.  Are we going to find ourselves restricted to LBGT events?  I'd be sad if I had to let this go.

[KathyLauren]

can we ever dance together again?  Kathy, I think you said your marriage was still in tact, how have you handled this, if you have?

Funny you should ask about that.  A couple of years ago, pre-transition and pre-coming out, my wife and I started Scottish country dancing.  (I think it is similar to contra dancing.)  The etiquette in that dance form is that you don't dance with your spouse (except maybe one dance per evening).  It is a community event and you are expected to dance with a different partner for each dance.  Furthermore, if there is an imbalance of men vs. women, it is customary for some of the majority (typically women) to dance the opposite gender's part in order that everyone can dance.  The people switching sides wear a sash so that they can be recognized easily when everyone is twirling every which way.

It turned out to be the ideal dance for for transitioning!  I now dance on the opposite side of the set, but it was not too hard to adapt.

I do get confused sometimes.  I have no trouble remembering who my partner is, so most turns and things, I end up facing the right person.  But some moves you have to end a turn facing your 'corner', and I am having trouble picking the corner person of the proper gender!  You have to think fast in Scottish country dancing!  It will just take practise.  I have only been back at it a couple of times since transitioning.  I don't yet dare wear a sash to dance the men's part or I would get hopelessly muddled.

It's not the same as ballroom dancing, and may not be your cup of tea.  You don't dance with 'the one that brung you'.  There is no close dancing, and physical contact is usually limited to joining hands.  But it is fun that we accidentally stumbled across one dance form that works for a couple in transition.

[RobynD]

I've always been a girl and as i chose transition as a path to solve a number of issues, i realized life would change. I underestimated some of those and overestimated others. For me, i am the same person. Sure my body is different, the clothes are different and how i socialize is different, but name one person who does not change in those ways throughout life.

Like you are beginning to do i said goodbye to guy clothes some three years ago. My mental state has improved and i have gained many new friends and a new romantic relationship. Some family, (apparently a delayed reaction) have grown more distant. I have lost some interest in hobbies, but not a lot. My interests in fashion (of course) and lgtb+ activism have grown. I do like cooking more but then again hobbies in themselves, really have no gender.

In general i have been interested in more minimalism and valuing experiences over things at least in the present cycle.

[Anne Blake]

A good question and thread, very timely for me. I retired four or five years ago and began to understand my transgender nature two an a half years ago. While my partner and I have been together for thirty four years, I have always been a loner (coping mechanism). I used to ride my bicycle  a lot, three to four thousand miles per year, motor cycles, road trips, hiking the back country (alone); all stuff to keep me away from what I couldn't understand. After I retired I needed to find out what to do when I grew up and it turned out to be transitioning to my true life. Now that I am out full time and am currently recovering from surgery my next task is to find out what I want to do when I grow up, sound familiar? This is to be a big topic with my therapist beginning this week. Things gone; bicycling (at least the long miles), lonerism, hiding who I am, freedom to travel freely alone without fear, any relationship with our old conservative church family. Things gained: relationships (particularly with groups of women, primarily cis); the ability to feel, care, cry; love of shopping; a hunger to help folks that are hurting. What I am really looking for at this point is a purpose in life for the new me and I am beginning to seek an understanding of the feminine nature of God.