So...I've been on T for 2 months now, and while I am feeling content with most of my changes - slowly redistributing fat, jaw squaring, facial hair growing, better posture enabling me to feel taller, deepening voice - I've still been feeling really disphoric.
I was already feeling really bad about myself, about my body, my weight, the fact that I'm still not passing and feel as though I never will...I am scared to come out to work, my grandmother lost her mother, so that makes two family losses this year, so I'm still not in a place to tell them, and the list goes on and on.
My friend took me to dinner last night for a belated Birthday dinner, and I couldn't even eat, I got nauseous and my heart started racing and I just felt awful, so I got home and face-timed my mom, as she'd called me when I was at the restaurant.
My mom is a generally accepting and non-judgmental person, even when she doesn't understand things, and she look the original news of me being trans extremely well...
Well, I don't know if it's just normal parental denial, mixed with the fact we've had both a tragic and an expected loss within the past couple of month, before that I came out as trans, and before that my dad lost his job and has not yet found a new one...But my mom literally tore me down, with a smile on her face, unaware that her words were hurting me, to the point that I got off the phone with her, shaved my head, and sat on hold with two different life lines for a while until I felt like no one would pick up and listened to Frank Sinatra...I considered self harm but refrained....And finally I just got a fever from the stress and sat around watching RWBY until I felt okay enough to try to go to bed.
My mom basically told me that people's perceptions are different...
Just because I perceive myself male, doesn't mean that she can't still perceive me as her daughter...That's fine and dandy. I promised I'd never be that person who got angry when mis-gendered, and that I would be patient and understanding with my mother, and realized that I always be her daughter...but it didn't stop there.
She said that if I died today she would bury me as her daughter, which makes sense...A lot of our family doesn't know, and I'm still LEGALLY a female.
I asked her if once I was LEGALLY a man, if something happened would she respect my wishes and buyer me as a man, as I would be legally so, and she said she didn't know...her head just wasn't wrapped around it yet, and she wasn't sure that it would ever be. And I understand that too a degree...BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
In the process of talking about perception she essentially alluded to the fact that I had a mental illness that was being medically enabled....In different words, but that's exactly how it came across. And as if I wasn't disphoric enough, she said that she couldn't tell a single difference minus my mustache being darker than it used to....I know my changes are subtle, but literally everyone else in my life has noticed, some of them before me.
She said that all that matters is that I'm happy, and I don't tell my grandparents...
Yet she made me feel so guilty, and invalid, and miserable, all without intention, but that doesn't change the fact that she did. I don't think I've ever felt that broken, and thanks to my hormones changing I couldn't even cry. (I have maybe cried for 2 seconds after an extremely stressful week, excluding my breakdown at therapy about my aunt, who if you've read previous posts by me, was more like a sister to me than anything, and we lost unexpectedly earlier this year.) I sat there numb. My girlfriend tried to cheer me up, but I didn't feel like talking. She sent me a plethora of Trans Boys are Boys, and You're Valid, type posts on tumblr, and they didn't really help, they honestly just made me feel worse, though I know that wasn't her intention...
THEN...She makes this fighty post on Facebook, days after adding my mom, might I add, about how you should accept your children no matter who the f*** you are...And I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life, praying my mother didn't see it...I don't want my mother to dislike her, and I also have to go home this weekend, and I also just really hate confrontation and would prefer to confront the issue one on one with my mother, on my own, when I'm ready to do so. It wasn't cool....
So I still have a fever, my hair looks like ->-bleeped-<-, my validity is at an all time low, and my disphoria at an all time high.
My mom is a great mom and a fantastic person, I know she's been through a lot this year, but so have I, so rather than sharing her denial with me directly she should really keep it to herself for now...Even if she means well. It's not that I don't care about her feelings, but I am going through just as much as she is, I've been through the losses too, I'm the one actually transition, and my dad lost his job, but he had a heft 401K and is a money hoarder, so they're fanatically fine, paid of their house, and now my dad isn't cranky all the time, meanwhile I'm living paycheck to paycheck, 2 hours away from my family and most of my friends, 3 hours away from my girlfriend, and oh yeah...alone at that.
I am just so distressed. And I feel like transitioning, living and trying are just pointless...Why should I strive to be happy if I'm going to miserable either way.
