Still new, still scared

[mayatis]

Howdy, everyone,

So, if it's alright, I thought I would share the general notes of my 'story' such as it exists so far, and perhaps ask for some clarification. So far it's been very instructive hearing the experiences of trans folk, both man and woman (and enby), just to have a frame of reference for my own struggles with gender.

Long story short, I'm very new to the whole trans thing. It's been a sort of recent revelation (I'm 26), and while there has been a long history of female imagination, I want to call it (imagining I'm a woman, both for gratification in my own personal fantasies and just as a matter of course, going about my day, being referred to and understood as a woman, etc), transitioning as a whole notion utterly terrifies me. The thought of being a woman in body is immensely satisfying to me, but I guess femininity as a social archetype is such a foreign entity to me that I can't help but balk.

I badly want to transition and am all but chomping at the bit for HRT, but the thought of what that actually entails still gives me pause... So I guess I was wondering about how y'all have thought about transitioning and femininity in the past. Even the idea of 'playing dressup' in a private context fills me with very mixed feelings, and particularly the thought of being seen and not passing is a real fear of mine.

Sorry if this is a little rambly.

[Denise]

Interesting question.

Before I came out to myself (exactly 2 years ago next week) I never associated "trans" with me.  It was something that was "out of reach".  Why?  I never "cross-dressed" or tried on make up or anything.  Actually I would avoid anything trans related for fear that someone would see through me. 

So how did I keep my sanity for so long?  Little things.  Sit with legs crossed, not partake in overly masculine activities etc... I slowly started to transition my walk, how I sat, sentence structure/inflection.  And I found the more little things I did, the better I felt until I ran out of things to do that wouldn't draw attention.  That's when the dysphoria took off.

Transition didn't scare me.  Losing everything (wife, retirement savings..) scared me.  I knew that I could be feminine and eventually be accepted by society (some call that passing) on a quick interaction. 

The actual transition went quickly after coming to terms with it.  The build up to being ready to transition took me four years.  (Lost 25 pounds, became comfortable with female jesters and movements etc).

Even after starting hormones I got scared and stopped.  Two months later I restarted without any hesitation and have not looked back.



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[Sarah77]

Welcome Mayatis. It'll be a rollercoaster..and there are no rights amd wrongs on your path. Just be honest with yourself. And best of luck xx

P.s. It all terrifies a lot of us too.

[Charlie Nicki]

I was (am) exactly like you, specifically when you say this:

and while there has been a long history of female imagination, I want to call it (imagining I'm a woman, both for gratification in my own personal fantasies and just as a matter of course, going about my day, being referred to and understood as a woman, etc), transitioning as a whole notion utterly terrifies me. The thought of being a woman in body is immensely satisfying to me, but I guess femininity as a social archetype is such a foreign entity to me that I can't help but balk.

This is how my transgender identity manifested itself as well. Constant thoughts and fantasies about being a woman. If I was feeling sad, down, concerned about anything, fantasizing about that in my mind (usually accompanied by upbeat music on my headphones to imagine myself as a woman dancing to these songs) instantly made me feel better and happy. This kept on going for many years (it started since I was child) up until the point when the thoughts became intrusive, energy draining, and frustrating, because I wasn't a woman. That's when I first started questioning myself "why am I thinking about this SO MUCH?"

I never really crossdressed, except for Hallowen, or hated my body or genitals; I did find it extremely triggering when I developed muscles thanks to weight lifting...I thought it would make me feel better about being a man but it just activated a body dysphoria. I still don't find crossdressing particularly exciting because I still look like a dude in a dress.

It was those thoughts and how I felt after having them that led me up to this point. I was 26 when I first started therapy, then I quit and tried convicting myself that I wasn't trans. This year, at 29, I started therapy once again, and now I'm on HRT. The doubts and fears are still there, and from what I've read, they can live with me even after transitioning. But I'm taking it one day at a time.

So anyways, you are not alone! And your experience is certainly similar to mine. Feel free to PM if you want to talk.

[elkie-t]

That is good that you're scared. Transition isn't a candy bar.


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[Tommie_9]

Hello,

I don't know a trans person who hasn't gone through the same emotional roller coaster and questioning you are experiencing. As Denise replied, do little things at first to start getting comfortable with your true identity. Even a little thing like sitting to pee will make you feel better. Give wearing women's underwear a try - no one will know but you. Buy some women's jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc., that can pass for male clothing. You can shop for this stuff in private online. Each time you push a boundary, you'll feel more confident in pushing the next boundary. Go ahead and take the plunge but go at a pace you're comfortable with. Becoming your authentic self isn't a sprint. It's a marathon.

Good vibes your way,

Tommie

[elkie-t]

After I posted my first knee-jerk Trumpish reaction - i thought about giving a more substantial response.

In my opinion, everyone's level of gender dysphoria is different. And just having fantasies about how cool it would be if you wake up as a generic female, or even desire to crossdress is not indicating that you need to go for HRT and multiple operations to become a trans-woman. Actual transition must be thought through carefully, it is a long, painful (both physically, emotionally and socially) process with a one-way ticket. It should be carefully considered and evaluated before going there.

However, it is not that difficult to actually start dressing up and find a reasonably safe venue to express your feminine side. And it is not impossible to actually start doing it openly and often (as long as you don't live in some really backward place - and most places in USA are actually not that backward, even in the south).

But - until your desire to be free to express yourself overcomes your fears - you aren't entitled to those freedoms. And those freedoms aren't free - you might lose your 'straight' status in the eyes of your friends, family, neighbors, colleagues. You may actually get something else in return - acceptance, admiration of your open-mindedness, new friends, and so on. But unless you break the egg, you cannot have the omelette (and to make it more difficult and confusing - a fair warning - you cannot put that omelette back to be an egg, and you might realize you don't really like the omelette once you have it).

[Izzy Grace]

Have you read Jennifer Coates piece on Medium? If not, you so should! I identified with it a great deal and started writing my own piece that I am still working on. That has been very cathartic.

I dont know if I can share my written piece, not yet... maybe ever, but here is a link to Jennifer's post:
https://medium.com/@jencoates/i-am-a-transwoman-i-am-in-the-closet-i-am-not-coming-out-4c2dd1907e42

You know... I've been running around like someone put an extra battery into me since I found out. There's just a crisp electric edge to me. Like the very beginning of a panic attack, only constant.

It came on so strange, like a slow Arronofskyian realization over a couple of years and a handful of experiences. I didn't even know what was happening and then suddenly, like an explosion... A descent into madness, lol.

I go from a feverish obsession with telling someone, anyone. To complete self-doubt. "You're a liar! You're fabricating all of this." To bawling my eyes out, saying, "I'm a woman. I'm stuck here, but I'm a woman in my heart, I always have been." Back to just playing the mask I've been wearing for decades. I notice that my mannerisms are harder to obscure now that I know. More than a couple of people have told me I have "softened up" or "chilled out" a little.

Doing the written piece has opened my eyes to the yearning draw I had for my feminine soul and for the "me" that could have been. For how much damage I have done to remain passably male.

If only I had been born 13 years ago, oh what a time. It's so much better now... so much more possible. Look at all these girls in here. I could never pass like they can... *sigh* You choke back those tears!

I want to tell everyone. I want to transition and go way in debt and reequip this body so it matches the driver... but I'm old. I've been wearing my boysuit for so long now... It seems impossible. All this hair, this voice, these genitals. All these people around me. I dont know if I am that brave... I dont know if I can be anything else but this lie now.

[Tommie_9]

I want to tell everyone. I want to transition and go way in debt and reequip this body so it matches the driver... but I'm old. I've been wearing my boysuit for so long now... It seems impossible. All this hair, this voice, these genitals. All these people around me. I dont know if I am that brave... I dont know if I can be anything else but this lie now. [/font]

You can do it. It's hard, but you'll keep torturing yourself if you don't give your authentic self a chance to be alive. Before you go too far, find a gender therapist to help you. Here's a link to a gender therapist directory for the USA and Canada. It's how I found mine and she's awesome. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/transgender

Good vibes your way,

Tommie

[Izzy Grace]

You can do it. It's hard, but you'll keep torturing yourself if you don't give your authentic self a chance to be alive. Before you go too far, find a gender therapist to help you. Here's a link to a gender therapist directory for the USA and Canada. It's how I found mine and she's awesome. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/transgender

Good vibes your way,

Tommie

I don't want to hijack but, I just got a referral for a pro bono therapist (I don't have health insurance - long story) but... I asked a work friend at a counseling center for a favor right as I was figuring this all out. The emails sitting unread because I don't know if this person is trans-friendly (they aren't listed on PT, I had already checked) and I don't know if I can be a "chooser", you know? Because its free and I cant go back and specify because it means telling my work friend who doesn't know and that's a can of worms because the people I work for right now are not ok with something like this. I have a degree in psych and so I know going will be pointless if I try to obscure this because you cant hope to get much "work" done if your not being totally open in there. The same with life in general, but...

I feel like a human grenade about to blow everything up. I've seen behind the curtain and I can't unsee but its not just my life, you know?

[Tommie_9]

I feel like a human grenade about to blow everything up. I've seen behind the curtain and I can't unsee but its not just my life, you know?

My former best friend called it a nuclear bomb. A hand grenade isn't big enough to describe what you're about to do. 

[Artesia]

It took me a while to even admit it to myself.  I was even afraid to talk about it to my therapist.  Now, a bit over a year later, that fear has largely evaporated.  I can't say if transitioning would be right for you, that would be for you and your therapist to figure out.  I would say that you should seek counseling to talk a bit more thoroughly about it.

[Christine H]

I read the posts and they are so resonant. I have been denying me true self for 50 years. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I know that leaving behind the shame and stigmatizing myself is going to lead me to a better place. My therapist (4 years, please do it!) recently told me I glowed when i showed up en femme.

For me, the essence is being me. I am at the start of a journey. I am at times overwhelmed by the challenges (3 kids, grandchildren). Yet I know I am on the right path because of how comfortable I am with my new approach to life.

I admit I am at the beginning of a process. For certain I am somewhere on the spectrum between male and female. I suspect more to the female side, but I am not going to pre-judge. I've been working with a wonderful therapist on many issues for several years - I just came "out" to her about my gender questions a couple of months ago.

While I have a great deal of anxiety about coming out to the world, coming out to myself has been an incredible relief. After 5 decades of suppression and denial, I've finally accepted me. I like her.

Sorry for the blabby arrival, but it is wonderful to find my community.

[Tommie_9]

While I have a great deal of anxiety about coming out to the world, coming out to myself has been an incredible relief. After 5 decades of suppression and denial, I've finally accepted me. I like her.

It's a giant leap from denial to accepting authentic self. Congratulations for having courage and being honest with yourself. You're right, it is liberating. Coming alive in the world is a big time emotional roller coaster ride. There are a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. Best wishes for you and your journey.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Katiekatt!

Welcome to Susan's.

It is never too late to start transitioning, if that is what you choose to do.  I was 62 when I started.  Life is good now!

Here is some information that we like to share with new members so that you can use the site effectively and safely:

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[LizK]

I read the posts and they are so resonant. I have been denying me true self for 50 years. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I know that leaving behind the shame and stigmatizing myself is going to lead me to a better place. My therapist (4 years, please do it!) recently told me I glowed when i showed up en femme.

For me, the essence is being me. I am at the start of a journey. I am at times overwhelmed by the challenges (3 kids, grandchildren). Yet I know I am on the right path because of how comfortable I am with my new approach to life.

I admit I am at the beginning of a process. For certain I am somewhere on the spectrum between male and female. I suspect more to the female side, but I am not going to pre-judge. I've been working with a wonderful therapist on many issues for several years - I just came "out" to her about my gender questions a couple of months ago.

While I have a great deal of anxiety about coming out to the world, coming out to myself has been an incredible relief. After 5 decades of suppression and denial, I've finally accepted me. I like her.

Sorry for the blabby arrival, but it is wonderful to find my community.

Dear jh1959271

Welcome to Susan's

Great to see you jumping straight in and sharing...You and I are roughly the same age and I can relate to your releief to finally come out. Please feel free to drop by our Introduction Forum and tell us a little more about yourself. 

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.


I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

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[Tiffanyofhyrule]

First of all welcome to susans, this is a safe place full of wonderful people. The best advice I can give you is to take everything at a pace you are comfortable with. Try small things that you want to in an environment you feel comfortable and just be yourself don't worry about what people think only, your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters.

[JoanneB]

Howdy, everyone,

So, if it's alright, I thought I would share the general notes of my 'story' such as it exists so far, and perhaps ask for some clarification. So far it's been very instructive hearing the experiences of trans folk, both man and woman (and enby), just to have a frame of reference for my own struggles with gender.

Long story short, I'm very new to the whole trans thing. It's been a sort of recent revelation (I'm 26), and while there has been a long history of female imagination, I want to call it (imagining I'm a woman, both for gratification in my own personal fantasies and just as a matter of course, going about my day, being referred to and understood as a woman, etc), transitioning as a whole notion utterly terrifies me. The thought of being a woman in body is immensely satisfying to me, but I guess femininity as a social archetype is such a foreign entity to me that I can't help but balk.

I badly want to transition and am all but chomping at the bit for HRT, but the thought of what that actually entails still gives me pause... So I guess I was wondering about how y'all have thought about transitioning and femininity in the past. Even the idea of 'playing dressup' in a private context fills me with very mixed feelings, and particularly the thought of being seen and not passing is a real fear of mine.

Sorry if this is a little rambly.

Fear is a healthy thing to have. As they say, "Transitioning aint for sissies". Society, in general, frowns upon anything "Different". anything different in a sexual nature, is.... abhorrent and MUST be eradicated.

One of the great aspects of Fear is that it forces you to pause and think. Just WTF am I thinking?  No doubt in my mind you you are trans. Being trans does not mean you need to do a transition. All it means you are not a cis-male. Cis males may occasionally think about what it must be like to be female. But that is IT.

You need to sort out just WHERE on the TG spectrum you are living today. What it is that you need to do to manage your particular flavor of GD. There are no rules here. You do what you need to do to find peace within you. You do what you need to do to BALANCE every aspect of your life, all your goals, hopes, wishes and dreams.