Becca's HRT Journey

[Laurie]

 Hi Becca,

   I'm glad you had a good welcome at the support meeting. Some I hear are very good and other aren't so it sounds like you one you went to is one of the good ones. It can make all the difference to feel and be welcomed. And good news on the chest upraising. May your pride in it swell to fruition. lol I remember when mine started several months ago I though it such a wondrous thing. It still is though it's become harder to notice changes. I still say to myself "You've got boobs" when I undress. I am still in awe of them.
  It is a sad thing with your wife but as you indicate it is probably for the best that you two are splitting. It took me a long time to come to see that my ex did what was best for her at the time. I was hurt by it and it took me a very long time to get over it. That period was the worst part of my life so far and I am still having to come to grips with some of it. It is only part of what has me so messed up now. I hope you don't have any such problems.
  Anyway it is nice to read of the good things happening for you Becca. Keep that stuff coming girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Becca Kay]

The Epilator I ordered last week arrived today!!  Drinking wine now so i can get in the mood for some leg plucking pain!!!

[Becca Kay]

THAT was painful!

half a bottle of wine and half my legs.  I got from my feet up to my knees and couldn't take it anymore. 

WOW.  That hurt

[Becca Kay]

my calves are on fire. 

[Charlie Nicki]

LOL Becca you reminded me of one my friends who is also MTF  who told me epilating hurt like hell. I bought my epilator and used it all over my body, including armpits, and it was fine. It hurts a bit but nothing unmanageable. I told her she was a big p**sy lol.

[Faith]

I also got *most* of my body parts in one sitting with tolerable pain. Stinging is more the term. Certain parts .. nope, no way, not going to happen.

I definitely recommend reading up on exfoliating and moisturizing rituals to help avoid ingrown hairs or infected follicles. You will likely get some in any case, best to keep it to a minimum.

[Becca Kay]

at the end of this year I'm leaving my current company after 20 years due to staffing custs. in reality my boss hates me and used the staff cuts as an opportunity to get rid of me.  the fact that this news came within weeks of coming out to my wife and realizing we'd be divorcing was like salt in an open wound.  It's also felt for a while now like it wasn't real, even though I've been sending out my resume and talking to recruiters.

For the past year as I struggled with my inability to keep my dysphoria compartmentalized my biggest fear was coming out at work.  By the time I got forced out I had decided that I could eventually come out at work, probably in a year.  My current company does have a progressive policy on LGBTQ and diversity, and my insurance covers everything except FFS. 

Now that doesn't matter.

I had a job interview this week with a company in a southern state.  Moving to the South was not initially on my list of places to move.  It's not (at least from the outside) an obvious example of a progressive company.  But it's in a city that's probably as hip and progressive as it's going to get without moving to the west coast.  The position is nearly identical to the one I'm leaving.  If they make me an offer it will almost certainly include a generous relocation package and a substantial salary increase over the job i'm leaving. 

If i wasn't going on 3 months of HRT I would probably be happy right now.  But instead i'm terrified.  I have hoped in the back of my mind that i'd somehow fall into a position at a wildly progressive company that would be supportive of my evenatual transition.  I was being naive.  I don't think such a place exists.  If it does it's probably so rare that I'll never find it.

I can't go into an interview or engage in a salary negotiation asking how a company will feel in 12 months when I schedule FFS and top surgery.  I have to stay in the closet.

This is all suddenly frightening me in a way that I hadn't felt before.  I've been living in a weird little fantasy bubble.  I'm living mostly in the closet on HRT, but all the really tough coming out stuff is out on the horizen far enough that it isn't real and specific and the details can't hurt me. 

I don't feel like I have much of a choice.  I need a job soon.  I'm going through a divorce.  I am lucky to have marketable skills.  I should be grateful but i'm feeling an intense anxiety. 

[Becca Kay]

i hate this life sometimes.  I wish I didn't have to deal with this.  I've been thinking the past couple of days that I should maybe stop HRT.  My breasts are starting to show.  How do i stay in the closet if i'm presenting as a tall skinny guy with breasts? 

[Roll]

There's a million reasons for male breast growth, I wouldn't worry about that too much. If you want to acknowledge it at all, maybe drop hints here and there about medicinal side effects for other stuff maybe if it's super obvious. Though there's always simply binding if possible.

If you are moving down south and found hip and progressive, I'm assuming you are looking at Austin or Atlanta. In either case, they are supposed to be fairly great places to be transitioning. I'm headed Atlanta way myself next year.

[krobinson103]

i hate this life sometimes.  I wish I didn't have to deal with this.  I've been thinking the past couple of days that I should maybe stop HRT.  My breasts are starting to show.  How do i stay in the closet if i'm presenting as a tall skinny guy with breasts?

I feel you on that one. I'm a tall skinny (at least I look skinny - e has made curves instead of a gut the scales say something different!) guy with curves and breasts, but not really passable yet. I'm lucky my workplace is accepting, though they insist on me presenting as male for a while longer. My wife was accepting, but the kids reaction is yet to be seen. Its been almost three months now and the changes are big enough its a challenge presenting as male. I really don't want to, but its a necessity right now. Still, for now I'll compromise. Women's Jeans as they are the best fit, and feminine style shirts. Not really enough, but it will have to do for now.

Be strong! The journey is only just beginning.

[Becca Kay]

I'm going on 3 months with HRT and other than my chest the changes are very subtle.  Slightly larger thighs. Clearer skin.  Laser treatments on my face are probably more obvious to people than anything HRT has yet done.   Without FFS and a wig (I am nearly bald) there's no way I'll ever look very feminine. 

What people are noticing is that in the past 6 months I've lost 50 lbs and my big thick beard is gone. My clothing has changed a lot. Even though i present as male at work and most public places I dress very different from how I was only 6 months ago. People at work have been commenting on my appearance, but to them I think it just looks like I got fit and bought a hip new wardrobe.

[Becca Kay]

There's a million reasons for male breast growth, I wouldn't worry about that too much. If you want to acknowledge it at all, maybe drop hints here and there about medicinal side effects for other stuff maybe if it's super obvious. Though there's always simply binding if possible.

If you are moving down south and found hip and progressive, I'm assuming you are looking at Austin or Atlanta. In either case, they are supposed to be fairly great places to be transitioning. I'm headed Atlanta way myself next year.

I'd love to live in Austin. I think I could get used  to Atlanta, despite the traffic.  But's neither of those cities. It's a lot smaller than ATL, that's for sure. 

I've been thinking that I may need a binder.  I just ordered a bralette which I'm going to try.  Hoping it does the trick for the time being.

[Becca Kay]

While I'm at it today...  An update on my epilator and electrolysis

Earlier this week I managed to clear my legs with the epilator from  above the knee down to my feet.  5 days later I'm amazed at how smooth my lower legs are. I shaved my thighs 48 hours ago and they're already rough and covered in stubble.

Wednesday I had an electrolysis appointment which involved the area around my nipples. The place where I get my treatments bought a new machine, which is much less painful. But jeez that hurt!  Having a needle stuck into the edge my nipples was unbelievable. 

[Faith]

While I'm at it today...  An update on my epilator and electrolysis

Earlier this week I managed to clear my legs with the epilator from  above the knee down to my feet.  5 days later I'm amazed at how smooth my lower legs are. I shaved my thighs 48 hours ago and they're already rough and covered in stubble.

Wednesday I had an electrolysis appointment which involved the area around my nipples. The place where I get my treatments bought a new machine, which is much less painful. But jeez that hurt!  Having a needle stuck into the edge my nipples was unbelievable.

I do neck down with an epilator (avoiding 3 sensitive spots). It's awesome. Shaving just didn't cut it for me (HAH!). I went 2 weeks and just today doing it again. That is w/o any hrt or anything to slow down hair growth.

Having a needle stuck into the edge my nipples was unbelievable.

[Dena]

I've been thinking that I may need a binder.  I just ordered a bralette which I'm going to try.  Hoping it does the trick for the time being.

Don't buy a binder as they can harm developing breasts. Look into sports bras as they will gently reduce the impact of your breasts.

[Becca Kay]

some personal life updates....

I am weeks away from losing my job.  I've worked for the same company my entire life.  Literally since I was old enough to get an after school job.   I'm also beginning the process of a divorce.  This was my second marriage.  I came out to my wife earlier this year and she immediately stated she wanted the marriage to end, that she wasn't a lesbian and didn't want to be married to one.  Losing my job maybe hurt more than the impending divorce, because I am very good at what I do. My career has been a consistent thing in my life.  But i ran afoul some how of a new VP who seems to want to eliminate everyone over 40 from his departments. 

Right before my job blew up in my face I had decided to take steps toward transitioning. I would say it was bad timing, but 6 months ago it was either that or killing myself.  So far it's been hair removal and HRT.  Both efforts have made me feel better.  And i've started coming out to a few of my friends.

A month ago I began looking for a new job. Until last month i've never taken part in a real job interview.  It's pushed me out of my comfort zone for sure.  But it also is fueling my anxiety and dysphoria.  Right at this point where my personal life includes HRT and coming out to my closest friends as a woman (but not at work and not to my family yet) I'm also conducting a job search and trying to sell my old Male self as a great hire. 

Coming out (however slowly) has not 'worked' like i thought it would.  I'm a very analytical person.  I like to plan things. I like to make decisions and execute them. But as i've come out even just a little bit the coming out seems to fuel more coming out.  I've started blurting out to some aquaintences that i'm trans. My casual day to day wardrobe has become feminized and I"m not hiding it when I go out of the house. I'm finding it harder and harder to put my male work clothes on every morning.  I'm becoming afraid that getting a new job is going to mean keeping a lid on my transition for some time to come. 

I want to just tell everyone everywhere and get it over with.  I want to be out with it once and for all and just move forward using my new name and dressing the way I want.  But doing that would almost certainly leave me unemployed.

My anxiety and dysphoria seem to be suddenly getting worse.  The discomfort and stress of getting another job while in the closet is painful.  I'm crying a lot.  I'm worried about having to move away from all my friends and live alone in another city.  It scares me. 

i think i've ranted in here about all this repeatedly.  sorry.  can't help it right now

[Becca Kay]

Don't buy a binder as they can harm developing breasts. Look into sports bras as they will gently reduce the impact of your breasts.

I don't think i need a binder (maybe at some point in the future).  i'm just super self conscious.  I feel when i'm at work like everyone can see that my breast have grown.  But in reality it's a small change.  I can wear a bralette and a t shirt under my button ups and nobody will notice.

[Dena]

It is a personal decision how you want to handle this but when my company went from around 1,000 to about 250 I decided the best solution was going full time then looking for a job. It wasn't the most comfortable thing I ever did but in hide sight, it was the best solution to the problem. As it was, it took two year to rebuild my savings and it would have been longer had I transitioned on the job and lost the new one. There is a strong possibility that would have been the results as my boss was religious and I believe somewhat intolerant.

[Laurie]

My anxiety and dysphoria seem to be suddenly getting worse.  The discomfort and stress of getting another job while in the closet is painful.  I'm crying a lot.  I'm worried about having to move away from all my friends and live alone in another city.  It scares me.

Hi Becca,

   I wish I could reach through this computer and just hug you, stroke your hair and tell you everything is going to be alright. You have every reason to be afraid of the unknown because it is scary. And on top of it all you are likely feeling your emotions more from the HRT medications. Crying would definitely be more just because of that. I speak with some authority in the matter as I am no stranger to tears of all sorts for many different reasons. It is hard to face the unknown with no idea of what to expect. If you are a pessimist like myself you always see the down side of things and wonder at those that seem to see that silver lining in everything. I just cannot understand that myself. But with that said I will say that it could turn out to be a new beginning for you and in that it could be one of the best thing to happen for you. Perhaps you can employ positive reinforcement by telling yourself, "Everything will be okay. Whatever happens I will be okay", every time you are feeling afraid and things are starting to overwhelm you . I am told that it works.
  There is hope, Becca.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Daniellekai]

Just over five months here, and I'd still say as long as I'm wearing a loose fitting shirt nobody can tell, then again, I was overweight to begin with, and had some gynecomastia there, so I always had bumps on my shirt, the only difference now is that the sides are way rounder...