Becca's HRT Journey

[Laurie]

Becca I'm glad you found you a place to live. That's a very good thing, I can understand you being a bit nervous going out in that big city. Your not likely to find me living in one. You'll get used to it though and will be okay. Baby steps girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Becca Kay]

Last couple of days have been bad.  Dysphoria bad.  Like it's hard to even shave myself in the morning because I can't look at myself.  Going to work every morning as dead name is starting to wear me down again.    And since i moved i've spent all my free time alone.  I'm so lonely.

i've been using skype to talk to my therapist once a week.  it helps but it isn't quite the same. 

I talked to a local clinic last week about getting into one of their trans support groups and i'm still waiting to hear back.  i miss my trans friends from home.  I hat gotten very attached to some of them and to my old support group.  I didn't realize how much the group was helping me until I couldn't go anymore.

[Laurie]

Classic case of homesickness. take 1 blue pill 3 times a day and call me next month.  That will be $150.00 please.

[PollyQMcLovely]

Last couple of days have been bad.  Dysphoria bad.  Like it's hard to even shave myself in the morning because I can't look at myself.  Going to work every morning as dead name is starting to wear me down again.    And since i moved i've spent all my free time alone.  I'm so lonely.

i've been using skype to talk to my therapist once a week.  it helps but it isn't quite the same. 

I talked to a local clinic last week about getting into one of their trans support groups and i'm still waiting to hear back.  i miss my trans friends from home.  I hat gotten very attached to some of them and to my old support group.  I didn't realize how much the group was helping me until I couldn't go anymore.

Mirrors are the worst. I wish I could shave via echolocation like Daredevil.

I remember you recently had like a couple weeks where you were yourself all the time. I'm not at the point where I can comfortably do that. Now whenever I need to leave my apartment I have to remove the clothes that make me happy and replace them with my dreary and boring black shirt and jeans and timberlands boy disguise and it bums me out to no end and my brain has trouble grasping why it needs to be done. I live in the greatest city in the world, NYC, the people here have seen it all. This shouldn't be an issue. I'm sure this feeling of discordance is even more pronounced for you.

I hope you get in that support group and meet a bunch of really nice people.

[Becca Kay]

i got accepted into a support group.  I had to do a phone interview and sign a waiver and wait a week and a half for some reason.  And I was warned that everyone in the group is "significantly younger than me."  LOL.  It's been a month now since my last group back at home, before I moved.  I know that group will probably make me feel better.  But I'm nervous.  And scared.  I feel like I did last year when I first started coming out. 

The good thing is that the support group it's at a clinic very close to my house.  Without consciously planning it this way I somehow moved 1,000 away and ended up within walking distance to a Pride Center and a Queer Health care clinic.  Life is funny sometimes. 


I had to postpone until April my FFS consult with Dr Speigel due to a work schedule conflict.  I've also scheduled a consult with Zukowski in Chicago.  The more I think about doing this the more I think it would be better to do it back home in the midwest so I can rely on my family and friends to help me with recovery. 

I may be hanging out with my new boss next week a bit outside the office.  She seems to like me and I get along with her very well.  I think I'm going to come out to her and get her opinion about what my next step should be with coming out at work. 

[Becca Kay]

i think i should give a bit of an HRT update, since this is an HRT thread.

i've gained 10 lbs since starting HRT.  besides my small but growing breasts the weight is all around my bottom and my upper thighs.  i've never had much of a butt... no butt really.  my legs literally ended where my lower back began.  If you met me today you'd probably think i had no butt now, but it's actually filled out. 

When i measure around my thighs they're several inches more in circumference than they were 6 months ago.  I can't wear my men's skinny jeans and pants anymore.  My women's skinny jeans still fit just fine.

My breasts have been sore since almost the beginning of HRT and they still are.  My nipples for several months were kind of numb.  But now they're super sensitive.  In a good way.  Like if i play with them it's rather arousing.  They've never felt like this before.  They're also a little bigger now.  I have small nipples to begin with, but they've gotten slightly larger, maybe 30%.   

Also my breasts are two different sizes.  LOL. The right one is almost twice the size of the left one. Once i put a bra on it's not noticeable, they are small.  I know this is something women deal with naturally.   But it kind of pisses me off. 

[Donna]

i think i should give a bit of an HRT update, since this is an HRT thread.

i've gained 10 lbs since starting HRT.  besides my small but growing breasts the weight is all around my bottom and my upper thighs.  i've never had much of a butt... no butt really.  my legs literally ended where my lower back began.  If you met me today you'd probably think i had no butt now, but it's actually filled out. 

When i measure around my thighs they're several inches more in circumference than they were 6 months ago.  I can't wear my men's skinny jeans and pants anymore.  My women's skinny jeans still fit just fine.

My breasts have been sore since almost the beginning of HRT and they still are.  My nipples for several months were kind of numb.  But now they're super sensitive.  In a good way.  Like if i play with them it's rather arousing.  They've never felt like this before.  They're also a little bigger now.  I have small nipples to begin with, but they've gotten slightly larger, maybe 30%.   

Also my breasts are two different sizes.  LOL. The right one is almost twice the size of the left one. Once i put a bra on it's not noticeable, they are small.  I know this is something women deal with naturally.   But it kind of pisses me off.

Give it time for the girls to catch up. They may never be exact but my left was significantly smaller and now they are close to the same   Doing chest exercises helps and I just worked on wall pushes with my left arm more and it's helped balance them out.

[Becca Kay]

this is unexpected. 

i have lost a lot of hair on top of my head. While it's worst in the front i had a bald patch on the crown of my head, a one and a half inch diameter completely bald spot.  it's not bald anymore.  it's very thin, but not a completely bald patch like it has been for years.

little victories!

[Cassi]

this is unexpected. 

i have lost a lot of hair on top of my head. While it's worst in the front i had a bald patch on the crown of my head, a one and a half inch diameter completely bald spot.  it's not bald anymore.  it's very thin, but not a completely bald patch like it has been for years.

little victories!

That's great!  I was thinking I was going a wee bit overtly happy because my bald spot seems to be getting some thin hairs.  I check out the hair growth stuff Ellie mentioned was at CostCo and will be getting some.  Hopefully, it along with the hair med and HRT I'll grow some back up there.  Mine, what I have, almost covers my really really cute ears

[Becca Kay]

It's been a month since I moved.  I've started to look for a new therapist and it's starting to really get me down.  the hourly rates here are several times more (at least) than what i was paying at home.  I have seen the same therapist for 5+ years and the thought of having to start over with another one was already stressing me out.  But now the idea of paying so much makes me wonder whether i'll even be able to.

I went to the new support group this week.  I've only ever been to one trans group back at home.  I really liked it.  i made a bunch of friends right away and it helped pull me out of my depression.  The group i went to this week was half a dozen people.  the vibe was just different than what I am used to and it made me super anxious and nervous.  I ended talking too much and babbling and i talked over someone who was trying to share some heavy stuff. I feel like an idiot now.  I don't know if I can go back. 

[Becca Kay]

That's great!  I was thinking I was going a wee bit overtly happy because my bald spot seems to be getting some thin hairs.  I check out the hair growth stuff Ellie mentioned was at CostCo and will be getting some.  Hopefully, it along with the hair med and HRT I'll grow some back up there.  Mine, what I have, almost covers my really really cute ears

it is exciting, even if it's just a little bit of regrowth!

i didn't expect my hair to regrow.  I think trans girls expect way too much in that dept.  I've been trying to temper my expectations so I don't get disappointed.  but now it does feel good.

[Donna]

Hey Becca. Don't sweat a couple slip ups at your meetings. I sure they understood you were new there and nervous. I know my mouth runs forever when I'm in unfamiliar surroundings.

[Becca Kay]

i went to a different (new to me) support group tonight at the Pride Center.  it was a large group.  15-20 people.  It went well.  Plenty of good discussion, sharing, etc.  I didn't wear my wig or any make up. I decided I wasn't going to march into a new group all dolled up.  I'd start like I did back home with my last group, wearing my mostly feminine clothing and and just being ok with that. 

While there were many amazing young people (millennials) there I feel very self conscious being the old one in the group. 

I might go back to this group next month.  Overall it felt good.  The facilitator did a good job and everyone was very supportive and affirming. 

[Cassi]

i went to a different (new to me) support group tonight at the Pride Center.  it was a large group.  15-20 people.  It went well.  Plenty of good discussion, sharing, etc.  I didn't wear my wig or any make up. I decided I wasn't going to march into a new group all dolled up.  I'd start like I did back home with my last group, wearing my mostly feminine clothing and and just being ok with that. 

While there were many amazing young people (millennials) there I feel very self conscious being the old one in the group. 

I might go back to this group next month.  Overall it felt good.  The facilitator did a good job and everyone was very supportive and affirming.

29 isn't old Bec.  Try push'n 65.

[Becca Kay]

29 isn't old Bec.  Try push'n 65.

LOL

I am 47

[Becca Kay]

i wish i was 29.  i never got to be a girl in her 20s

[Becca Kay]

the other day I typed up a long post (too long, really) and I accidentally closed the browser and lost it.  So here's my attempt to post it again, but shorter.

My sense of taste and smell has noticeably changed since starting HRT.  I noticed first that certain things smelled differently.  Or maybe just smelled more... The most noticeable thing is men.  Men smell bad. Not just some guys who might have questionable grooming practices.  Most men.  It's strange.  I never noticed before how men smelled. But now I am constantly noticing it.  It's a combination of body odor and something I can't put my finger on.  Whatever it is I really don't like it. 

Thankfully I"m not really attracted to men so I don't have to suffer that close up.  LOL 

What I've noticed with my sense of taste is a little less dramatic.  But one thing that stands out is that I don't find beer all that tasty anymore.  I don't dislike it.  But it tastes different and it's not nearly as enjoyable.  I used to very much love hoppy beer but now that's the stuff that I've noticed my taste shift the most.  It's so bitter.  It's hard to drink.  At the same time I'm enjoying wine and some liquor much more enjoyable. 

[Donna]

It is interesting the smell thing. I notice a difference in the way I smell and the way perfume and deodorant smell on me. Haven't notice the other men or women smell or maybe not paid attention to it. I know my skin feels different and my sense of touch has changed. The little extra fat that is building under the skin makes a big difference. Ive noticed a difference in the way I react to cold as well.

[Becca Kay]

It is interesting the smell thing. I notice a difference in the way I smell and the way perfume and deodorant smell on me. Haven't notice the other men or women smell or maybe not paid attention to it. I know my skin feels different and my sense of touch has changed. The little extra fat that is building under the skin makes a big difference. Ive noticed a difference in the way I react to cold as well.

Yeah my body odor changed a week after starting HRT

[Becca Kay]

I got my ears pierced yesterday!!!