i had a phone consultation with Dr Zukowski today. Scheduling it took about 3 weeks. I had to send a plethora of horrible selfies. Each of which was a horror to take.
The phone call went well, I think. Dr Z talks a mile a minute. He called me 'hon' at least a dozen times. Maybe two dozen. I've never had a guy call me hon before. LOL.
When I started my transition last summer I don't think I understood what was really going on in my head. I knew that the dysphoria was killing me. I realized I was trans. But I didn't really understand what exactly and how exactly my dysphoria was driving my anxiety and where it was centered. I was trying to make sense of it in a context that I'd learned online and in the media. The typical trans story... A year ago I kept thinking that I had to transition in a certain way. I had to do hormone replacement. I had to get breast augmentation. Then I had to get bottom surgery. then if i was really crazy and out of my mind i'd go overboard and screw up my face up.
It really really bothered me seeing so many trans girls, especially those half my age (god damn internet and youtube), who'd had no surgery at all, but looked like amazing petite young women, complete with delicate almond shaped girl faces. If they could take hormones and look so perfect there must be something wrong with me.
I don't know if this makes any sense. It's my own brain mess
Over the last 6-8 months though things changed. I kind of slowly started to order and understand my feelings and my dysphoria. HRT helped immensely. It straightened out my brain. I also made some actual trans friends. And I learned that there isn't a right way to transition. I learned that some of the most feminine pre-op trans girls, girls that looked "perfect" to me without surgery, are wracked with dysphoria and pain and hurt. More than I would ever know.
What I learned about myself is that I don't (at least right now) care all that much about my gonads. I don't hate my genitals. I'd much rather have been born with a wonderful functioning vagina. And I really really want an orchiectomy. But bottom surgery is the least of my worries. What I've learned since last year is I cannot live with my face.
My face, especially as i've gotten older and my hair has thinned, is like a cruel cruel joke. It rides atop my shoulders and reminds me and everyone who sees me and meets me that I'm man. It is the worst part of being me. The worst of all my pain and anxiety and fear. It hurts so much just to see my self. I can't look at photos of myself. Even with a wig and make up I can't see past it. Or around it. Every glance at my reflection feels like being punched in the gut.
So I had this consult with Dr Z today. And he spend half an hour listing the torture he'd inflict on my face with tools and scalpels and needles and god knows what else. He quoted me a price that would otherwise buy me a very nice new car. More money than i can afford. And suddenly all I could think of was "how soon can I make this happen." I was suddenly relieved. Happy. It was as if another piece of my trans transition puzzle just fell into place and a big mess of confusion melted away.
I spoke to my mother today and she asked me "are you mentally prepared for this?" And i was reminded of the conversation i had with her when I came out. For some reason i had said to her "don't worry, i won't mutilate my face." Why did I say that? It was my internalized shame. I'm beyond that now. I let go of it. Today i knew for sure that I want this and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
