Becca's HRT Journey

[Northern Star Girl]

so obviously i've had some bad days lately. I'm living alone and it's wearing me down.  some of it is having no friends and some of it is being "alone." 

I had a lousy relationship with my spouse when we broke up. But I still wished last year that I could have somehow kept my spouse and my home and not had to move.  My divorce continues to slowly unfold.  I think it will be finalized by early June. Maybe next month.  Last year it felt like my heart was being torn out, but now i just want to get on with my life.  We still have a relationship, but I don't quite understand what it is. It's still some weird version of the codependent mess we were in all those years. We talk regularly.  I'm still paying most of her bills.  She calls me or texts me every day. But she has NEVER uses my new name.  Friends and family tell me that she misgenders me to them.  I need this to be over.

I wish I could go on a date.  But now i don't know how.  When I was a "cis male" and younger it was really easy.  before i married I was kind of a man whore.  I had a lot of (straight) girlfriends. A LOT.  I was never alone.  I've tried to sign up for dating apps.  But i have hardly any photos of myself that I can tolerate showing to people.  And I feel like the way I present right now that I'm some kind of mess.

@ Becca Kay:  Hang in there.  You don't have to read too deeply here on the Forums to find out that you are NOT ALONE with the feelings and happenings that you have described that you are experiencing. 

Even though I have 3+ years of HRT that have resulted in significant body changes and I have been successfully living full time for a year and a half.... I could write a book or two about my disappointments, my family issues, lost friendships, etc... but I also would now include the many successes that have come my way.... but it takes time and patience to get through the gauntlet of HRT, transitioning, trying to rebuild family and friend relationships, forming new friends and relationships, employment changes, Photo ID changes, etc, etc.

Transitioning takes lots of patience, usually nothing with transitioning and HRT happens very quickly, at least not as quickly as we all desire.   Human nature tells us that "We want it all and we want it now"

Might I suggest that you start your own private and personal journey where you can write down your thoughts, your goals, your successes, your disappointment and your failures.   This can be a good exercise and good therapy for any of us in helping us to clear our our mind and to think more clearly.

Wishing you well.... and again, hang in there... and keep us updated as you feel comfortable doing.
Danielle

[Becca Kay]

@ Becca Kay:  Hang in there.  You don't have to read too deeply here on the Forums to find out that you are NOT ALONE with the feelings and happenings that you have described that you are experiencing. 

Even though I have 3+ years of HRT that have resulted in significant body changes and I have been successfully living full time for a year and a half.... I could write a book or two about my disappointments, my family issues, lost friendships, etc... but I also would now include the many successes that have come my way.... but it takes time and patience to get through the gauntlet of HRT, transitioning, trying to rebuild family and friend relationships, forming new friends and relationships, employment changes, Photo ID changes, etc, etc.

Transitioning takes lots of patience, usually nothing with transitioning and HRT happens very quickly, at least not as quickly as we all desire.   Human nature tells us that "We want it all and we want it now"

Might I suggest that you start your own private and personal journey where you can write down your thoughts, your goals, your successes, your disappointment and your failures.   This can be a good exercise and good therapy for any of us in helping us to clear our our mind and to think more clearly.

Wishing you well.... and again, hang in there... and keep us updated as you feel comfortable doing.
Danielle

thank you! 

i've tried repeatedly to journal and it's just not something that I'm able to do.  This thread is as close as i've gotten.  LOL

[Becca Kay]

A few updates since my last post.

I'm finally eligible for my new Health plan and I'm going to use a local LGBTQ clinic for primary care.  I'm a little nervous because my first appointment is in two weeks and My current HRT prescription will run out the following week.  The last time I saw my Endo (back home) was last year.  I'm going on seven months since I started HRT and i'm still on a low dose of E and relatively low does of Spiro. My Endo hadn't take an blood panel since last October and I've worried for some time that I should probably be on much higher doses of both. 

Last week I got my quote from Dr Z for FFS.  It was a tad higher than I thought. It's quite a list of procedures.  It's been almost all I've been able to think about.

Today I had a Consultation with Dr Spiegel.  His suggestions were similar to Dr Zs.  But he didn't suggest quite as many procedures.  He said for instance that my cheek bones were ideal, while Dr Z suggeted cheek implants.  Spiegel would do a type III forehead procedure, which freaks me out.  Dr Z would do brow bossing only and I'd have a much much smaller scar at my hairline.  Both of them suggested jaw shaving/reduction.  Dr Z wants to do a neck lift while Spiegel says all i need is a bit of Lipo under my chin. I'll have a quote from Spiegel tomorrow.  I'm expecting it to be significantly higher than Dr. Z despite it being less total work.  Dr Z is close to my family so I could recover at my sister's house.  If I went to Spiegel I'd end up coming back to DC and doing the second and third week of my recovery alone.


I had my fifth laser session on my face two days ago.  I've been really upset at the lack of progress after my last session.  It didn't seem to reduce my facial hair at all.  I have a very noticeable shadow still that I can see even when I wear make-up. This session was the most painful so far.  Each session they increase the strength of the laser.  This time I was crying.  Not just a sniffle either.  The nurse seemed to feel really bad about it too.  Which is weird since she does it all day and must get plenty of criers. 

[Becca Kay]

i'm so <not alowed> lonely

[Donna]

What's up Becca

[Charlie Nicki]

i'm so <not allowed> lonely

Is everything ok?

Enviado de meu Moto G (5) Plus usando Tapatalk

[Becca Kay]

I'm sorry for the sad post.  I have a bunch of things going well for me right now.  but my depression and dysphoria seems to rule my life.

I scheduled my FFS surgery with Dr Z.  I can't believe this is happening.  It's like a fulfillment of wish i've had since puberty when my body went icky.  Making the decision and putting it on my calendar felt amazing. 

My employer is on board with me transitioning.  I had a meeting with our VP today and it went well.  She was so supportive and actually congratulated me. She promised to help me with time off or whatever support I needed. In September I'll take my vacation and when I return <dead name> will be gone for good. 

On the one hand I'm ecstatic about this. But I come home every day to an empty apartment and I sit here alone. And I keep thinking that i'll go through this transition and live the rest of my life alone. 


Something else that's been driving me nuts is how people react to me.  Everyone I meet who doesn't know me reads me as a gay man.  That's always been the case with gay men.  When I was younger my gay friends would lecture me that I was a closet case.  But now straight people do it.  I just had a drink at a bar and started up a conversation with a woman who assumed I was a gay man.  This happens over and over and over.  People don't read me as feminine.  They read me male/gay.  And it's wearing me down. 

[Donna]

That's going to take time to get gendered right. We all have tells that give us away. Until we control them we are vulnerable to discovery. Mine are my way of walking , slouching and of course my voice. Give it time and you will overcome those.
Great news about the surgery and work being supportive. I have come to learn lately how many true friends I have and how many more care that I never expected it from. Give it time, your in a new place and need time to establish yourself
Best wishes and good luck with the surgery

[Kendra]

Becca I am sorry to hear you are lonely, and the way some people interact or react rudely - that can be so painful.  But you do have many great things to look forward to.  I know it's difficult to be patient, but before you know it that day you just marked on your calendar will be here with a new start to your future. 

[Becca Kay]

I would like to blame my loneliness on my dysphoria and being trans.  But i'm alone because I had to pursue a job and I moved where I had no friends or family.  I'm not married anymore partly because of my dysphoria, but there were other things that contributed to the end of my marriage. 

The next two years of my life are going to be consumed by transitioning and surgeries and recovering and I keep thinking how hard it's going to be to spend every night alone from now on. I wish that I had just a little bit of support around me.

I found a new therapist last week which I hope helps.  Since moving I've had a few phone conversations with my old therapist back home.  Two nights ago i called her for the last time and it was incredibly difficult.  It was like saying good bye to yet another important person in my life.

[Becca Kay]

I'm having a great week!

i had a meeting at work with the VP I work under.  She is very supportive of me transitioning at work.  She's talked to our senior leadership and HR and says I'm free to transition as soon as I want and that they'll support me.  She told me i didn't have to wait 5 more months until after my surgery.  I have to meet with the chair of our LGBTQ committee soon to discuss it. I'm kind of nervous about it, but very relieved.

My mother and oldest sister are visiting this week, which is nice.  They're being supportive of me.  After spending most of the last two months alone it's really nice hearing people I love using my correct name. 

I had a meeting with my new health care provider.  I now use the Whitman-Walker clinic in D.C. It's one of the oldest LGBTQ health care organizations in the country. It's been amazing going there for health care after my experiences back in the midwest.  They gender me correctly and go out of their way to make me comfortable.  I had a long conversation with my new doctor about my HRT regime and had the obligatory blood panel.  The result this week was upping my estradiol script.  It turns out my E levels were pretty good, despite my modest dosage, and my T levels were very low, also despite a relatively low dose of Spiro.  So I don't have to take a higher dosage of Spiro. 

[Becca Kay]

spent the last several days with my visiting mother and sister.  My sister has been wonderful to me since I came out.  In some ways we're closer than we were before I came out.  She's going to go with me and stay with me during my FFS surgery later this year.  My mother has seemed to handle my transition reasonably well.  She uses my new name and has reacted positively to my transition so far.

But my mom continues to refer to me with he/him pronouns.  I've corrected her repeatedly.  But she keeps doing it.  The last day she was here we were on an afternoon bus tour of some of the monuments here and she introduced herself (and my sister and I) by saying "I'm here with my kids...mother, daughter, son."  I was standing right next to her, my nails painted, lipstick on, breasts very noticeable, and a great big trans flag pin.  I'm not exactly passable at all, but most younger people I meet either assume i'm a very femme gay man or they get that i'm trans.  The tour guide just kind of shook his head up and down when she said that and he looked at me with this look on his face like "oh wow i'm so sorry she's doing this."

ugh

I love my mother, but I think she's using the fact that she's old and in poor health to somehow get away with misgendering me.

[Donna]

That's unfortunate about your mom Becca. Hard to deal with when it is someone that is so very close. The odd slip but no effort at all can be frustrating.
Maybe with time she will come around. Thank fully you have the full support of your sister.

[Becca Kay]

Update!  I bought new hair today!  I like it.  It was fun!

[Donna]

Very cute girl and hair love the lenght of it

[Kendra]

Wow Becca - you look great!

[Laurie]

  I agree with all the others Becca. The new hair looks  FAB !!. I also love the smile.

That one is about my color. Can you send it to me so I can see how I look in it?

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Becca Kay]

  I agree with all the others Becca. The new hair looks  FAB !!. I also love the smile.

That one is about my color. Can you send it to me so I can see how I look in it?

Hugs,
  Laurie

sorry this ain't leaving my head except to bathe and sleep!  maybe not then either.  LOL

[Becca Kay]

This is the only pic I can find from the past couple years. I deleted a LOT of pics of me pre HRT. It's a little blurry and dark.  This is one year ago.

[Roll]

OMG, amazing change!