meeting scheduled w/dr. rhett brown

[meatwagon]

so previously i had planned on seeking hormone treatment with planned parenthood (which was very far away and iffy on insurance) because i didn't know of any other options, but after talking to my primary care doctor, he gave me a referral to another family practice nearby.  after about 2 weeks they called me to set up an appointment as a new patient, i gave my reason for the referral (seeking hormone treatment), and i have an appointment set now for next month.  it's a bit of a wait for what will just be a 30-minute talk, but hopefully it's a step in the right direction. 

i'm not really sure what to expect from this appointment, aside from the fact that i'll be getting set up as a new patient.  i think i had heard of him before, but forgot or lost track of any information i had.  so i'm glad i brought this issue up with my doctor and he happened to know who to talk to, or i'd have ended up doing things the hard way for no real reason.

i want to be excited to finally be getting somewhere after all this time, but for now i'm stuck between feeling like it's a really small thing (just meeting a new doctor), really far away (over a month, who knows what'll happen between now and then), and afraid something will go wrong. 

[Dan]

Congrats on taking a step in the right direction: consulting a doc for potential hormone treatment to transition.

I can't imagine what could go wrong. What do you fear might go wrong?

[Ryuichi13]

Congrats!  One small step for a man, one giant leap for you![emoji4]

Ryuichi

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

[meatwagon]

thanks, guys.  hopefully the closer i get to the appointment, the more i'll be able to appreciate it.
@Dan; i'm not sure what even could go wrong.  maybe he tells me my health is too poor for hormones?  or some kind of disaster comes up and i don't make it to the appointment at all?  or something...  i guess a lifetime of being the poster child for "anything that can go wrong, will" has made me paranoid. 

[meatwagon]

well i went to the appointment.  we talked a little bit about my feelings regarding my gender and the possible effects of T, then he game me some paperwork to sign and set me up with a counselor who works on site.  my next appointment is in 3 weeks, and my appointment with the counselor is on the same day so that i don't have to make multiple trips (which is good, because it's a little far for me and with my schedule, it's impossible for me to go to work on days when i have appointments). 
i told my grandma that the reason my normal doctor referred me here is because of the counselor, which isn't entirely true, but at least now that she knows there's something to do with "the transgender thing" going on, it won't be a huge shock or a lie if/when i get a prescription.  so i'm really glad the counselor thing happened, as i was not sure how to handle it if/when she found out that i was seeking hormone treatment. 

seeing a diagnosis of "gender identity disorder" and all this stuff about starting testosterone and actually having it on paper is a little surreal.  i still feel more nervous/embarrassed than excited/hopeful.  maybe that will change if/when i actually get started and there's not so much of a fear of my family finding out about things that are none of their business.

[Elis]

Congrats . Can  take a while to get over that embarrassed/ashamed feeling; then it just starts to feel validating to see gender dysphoria written on medical stuff. Like yes I do have a genuine recognised medical condition and I'm not crazy 

[meatwagon]

Congrats . Can  take a while to get over that embarrassed/ashamed feeling; then it just starts to feel validating to see gender dysphoria written on medical stuff. Like yes I do have a genuine recognised medical condition and I'm not crazy 

yeah, i was kinda struggling not to tear up while talking to the doctor lol he made it all seem so normal and like an actual condition, not some weird "lifestyle choice" like most other people (including doctors) i've spoken to about it.  i'm not really sure how to handle it yet, i guess, because getting that kind of validation and understanding is so rare. 
i signed up for the mychart thing that keeps all your medical information and lets you keep track of appointments, conditions, etc.. and noticed it had my preferred name on it without me having to type it in.  i was blown away. 

[JayBlue]

well i went to the appointment.  we talked a little bit about my feelings regarding my gender and the possible effects of T, then he game me some paperwork to sign and set me up with a counselor who works on site.  my next appointment is in 3 weeks, and my appointment with the counselor is on the same day so that i don't have to make multiple trips (which is good, because it's a little far for me and with my schedule, it's impossible for me to go to work on days when i have appointments). 

Hey, congrats on moving forward. Hopefully after meeting with the counselor and talking with the doc again, you will be able to get a script. I did go through planned parenthood and started hormones the week after my first appointment so hopefully that will happen for you after this next appointment. 

[meatwagon]

Hey, congrats on moving forward. Hopefully after meeting with the counselor and talking with the doc again, you will be able to get a script. I did go through planned parenthood and started hormones the week after my first appointment so hopefully that will happen for you after this next appointment. 

fingers crossed!

idk if this is different depending on where you go/what your needs are (probably is), but did you have to go back to take the medication or just pick it up at a pharmacy and take it at home or what?  i am just curious how the actual prescription/first dose process goes

[meatwagon]

well i got the prescription, not sure when it will actually go through.  assuming it will take a few weeks due to the way he had me schedule my next appointment, so now i'm just waiting to hear back from the pharmacy.  the nurse talked to me about how to give the shots and gave me a print-out, though i am really nervous about having to do that for the first time completely on my own.  was hoping i could do first shot in office; i've been giving myself injections for years, but a completely different kind. 
also going to have to learn the way there so i can drive myself, which i'm not really looking forward to because the roads around there are insane.  literally one where traffic can go one direction or the other depending on what time of day it is...
and on the way home, i ended up telling my grandma i was going to get testosterone.  i didn't really plan to tell her if i didn't have to, but she keeps asking what exactly this doctor is doing so i just said it.  she didn't throw a huge fit or threaten to throw me out if i continued doing this "under her roof", which was a legitimate concern for me given the way she's reacted about things in the past... so i guess that's good.  and i'm relieved to just not have to keep worrying about what i'm gonna say to her next time she inevitably asks.  she gave me the old "i just don't get it because you've always been so feminine, you've never done anything that seemed masculine to me, ever" BS and the speech about how she thinks people should get more therapy and change the way they think instead of changing their bodies-that-god-gave-them.  i was tired and carsick and i'm just really tired of trying to defend my views with her and anyone else who makes a point of refusing to listen to me, so i just kept quiet.  not worth it arguing with people like that; it goes nowhere and i can't handle the stress any more.  then she changed the subject to me not having a good enough job to "support myself" and needing to pick a career (even though i've already discussed my career/lifestyle goals with my family multiple times--they just ignore and dismiss it like everything else).  i get the feeling she's trying to imply that i'm now obsessing over "changing my body" instead of doing anything else.  she'll invent any kind of wacky excuse she can to paint me as some kind of loser who will never amount to anything; when she heard me discussing a story my friend and i were writing together, she claimed i was spending all my time in a fantasy world instead of having real world goals.  it's always been this way with her and always will be, no matter what i do.  so this time around i just ignored all of it. 
fortunately for me, she didn't start crying or acting all weary and depressed like she has in the past when anything gender-related has been brought up.  hopefully it'll stay that way... though if i don't find a place to move soon, i'm sure something's gonna go down eventually.  she has been in complete denial about anything "masculine" regarding me, my mannerisms, my way of dress, etc for my entire life... but i don't think even she can hard-deny actual bodily changes.  lucky me i have no intention of staying here long enough for anything noticeable to happen "under her roof" so i doubt i'll have to find out.  but i guess we'll see.

[Elis]

My dad's sounds similar to your grandma. He still won't mention anything trans related unless I bring it up and won't acknowledge the changes from T; which by now are pretty obvious. In the end I had to move into a hostel just to get some breathing room.

Just try to take everything one step at a time. And congrats on getting your prescription; may not seem like it now but that's a huge accomplishment that you managed to do yourself

[meatwagon]

My dad's sounds similar to your grandma. He still won't mention anything trans related unless I bring it up and won't acknowledge the changes from T; which by now are pretty obvious. In the end I had to move into a hostel just to get some breathing room.

Just try to take everything one step at a time. And congrats on getting your prescription; may not seem like it now but that's a huge accomplishment that you managed to do yourself

yikes... hopefully things are going better for you now.

well, i was right about what my grandma was "secretly" thinking/implying.  seems like me having a prescription was the "on" switch for her finally wanting to talk, but now i'm the one not willing to discuss it.  she had her chance 5 years ago and chose to completely ignore it this entire time, and now she's going to treat me like i'm not capable of making such an "adult decision" (her exact wording).  i'm almost 30, but because i'm stuck living in her house, it will NEVER matter to her what i'm doing or what my plans are, she will ignore ALL of it and just continue playing her favorite broken record: you're not an adult, you're not capable of making big decisions for yourself, something's mentally wrong with you, you're an incompetent child who lives in a dream world and doesn't plan for the future or have any ability to support yourself.  and yet she has the nerve to come up to ME and demand that i speak to her about this?  she even threw in a line about how because i live in her house, i need to talk to her because she asks oh-so-little of me. 
i've been looking for an apartment for about a year now, but most of the things i can afford are not available and one of my top picks was literally burned to the ground.  i'm sitting here struggling to move my life forward and she dares to come up to me and give me some BS speech about how i'm clearly doing nothing because i'm not an adult capable of making big grown-up decisions??!
i will NEVER speak to her about this.  she does not deserve an ounce of my breath or my time.  i'm going to continue what i've been doing, trying to get things together completely on my own, because my family is obviously never going to be anything but a burden to me.  not that i haven't already accepted that long ago, but just when i think i can at least get a little peace and quiet, she starts back up with the same old routine and she's not going to stop until i disappear overnight and stay gone for good.  which is exactly what i intend to do.  when i do find a place that's open and i'm able to figure out the application/move-in process, she won't hear a word about it.  because i'm done.  i'm absolutely done repeating myself just to be ignored, then have her turn around and find some other ridiculous excuse to call me a pathetic non-adult and then DARE to claim she loves me.  she has never loved me and never will; she's never even bothered to know me. 

tl;dr: i am beyond upset right now and i feel even worse about it because i shouldn't be surprised, but i guess i let my guard down and for a minute, there, i was dumb enough to hope.  but i can't say i didn't see it coming, because i did, and i was right, and i wish i wasn't right, but i was.  i wish to god i had somewhere i could go right now just to stay while i hunted for an apartment, but i am very much alone here and hotels are far out of my financial reach.  i'm lost.