I am so done :/

[suntanlotion]

This is all falsehood. I am so done trying. If I go ahead with this I am going to lose my relationship to a Woman I love ever so deeply. Who is genuine and emotionally authentic. Who has supported me and who said she would stay with me through my transition should I decide to go ahead.

I am MtF. There is no way I can pull this off. I started seeing a Clinical Psychologist who has worked with many TG, both MtF and FtM. I was recommended an Endocronologist.

I decided to test a few things. I changed my online persona from male to female. I presented in the online world as an MtF. It was, for the most part, acceptable. I would effectively be destroying my current life and my sanity so I could look the way I want to look.

Here's the thing though - it won't happen. I will never be biologically female. I will never feel the way a female does. I will never be taken seriously as an MtF if I am not passable. I will always just be a hormone junkie. But when the clothes come off at night, I will still have the parts. I will still have the face. I will still be, essentially, a biological male.

I started getting laser hair removal. Got rid of all my body hair. started on my beard. It got patchy. I panicked. It's going. I'm scared.

I dress at home, and I enjoy it a lot. 95% of the time it's non-sexual. My sex drive has been fuelled by Fear and Anxiety every time I see an attractive female. But I will never be that. I will always be the sick freak MtF.

Even if I do go ahead with it, who is going to find me attractive? I am attracted to Women, not Men. As soon as a Lesbian see's what's down there, they're going to run. My current GF won't be attracted to me either.

And all the while, when I read the news and I see a modelling shoot, or bikini pic or even walk past a store that has nice pieces for sale, I am engulfed in a subtle jealous rage. I am both angry, jealous and turned on at the same time.

my family will not accept it. My Father, whom I cannot stand, won't accept it and because I am intertwined in the family business, I would essentially lose my livelyhood. I am basically living my life for the sake of others.

Yes I know the responses. "I transitioned and never felt happier" bla bla GARBAGE. From day 1 it felt like I was being pandered to, like it's OK, and Transition is a genuine option. BULLS**T! There ARE NO OPTIONS. There are only bandaid solutions. I will never be genuine, I will never be authentic. I will always be, a sad, depressed delusional Male that Women won't accept, Men won't accept and personally unacceptable.

I could get millions of dollars worth of surgery - all it will achieve is an emulation.

Yeah, this post sucks. Probably the last thing many of you who are wanting to transition want to hear/read. Then again most of you would not feel the same way I do, and would probably be excited to transition and to you all I say, best of luck, enjoy it - be free. Live your lives, be happy - YOU can do it. I can't.

[Dena]

The transition isn't right for everybody. It's difficult and costly in many ways. I reached the point where it was transition or die. When you hit bottom like that, you are ready to throw away money, friends, family and any life that you knew. For others the transition can be less difficult. 

We are different people with different values. For me the transition was the right decision but that was based on my life and your life is different. For now if you don't want to transition, don't. You are still welcome here and if you change your mind latter, we are here to help you. I know there are 20 or 30 member of the site who aren't transitioning and there may be more that I am not aware of so your not alone in your feelings.

[suntanlotion]

i want to... but i cant. i cant live life either way. i hate my body as it is. this is a curse. ive been cursed.

[Charlie Nicki]

Taking one step at a time might work. Doing little almost unnoticeable things can make feel better without outing you.

It sounds like you are depressed though, which is probably why everything looks like a dead end. Being transgender is not easy but there's always an answer.

[echo7]

I decided to test a few things. I changed my online persona from male to female. I presented in the online world as an MtF. It was, for the most part, acceptable. I would effectively be destroying my current life and my sanity so I could look the way I want to look.

(bold emphasis is mine)

If this is how you truly feel then transition is probably not for you.

I transitioned because I was losing or had lost my sanity already.  My life was effectively over and transition was the only way out.

[Julia1996]

I'm truly sorry that you feel this way. If you have decided transition is wrong for you that's fine. But please don't tell me and others here that it's garbage to be happy after transition. Personally I would rather be dead than try to live my life as a pretend boy. If that works for you then great. Go for it. But you need to stop and think before you post things like this. There are people here who are in a fragile state of mind. They are scared and confused. Just because you can't handle transition is no reason to upset and depress others.  Some consideration for others feelings would be a good thing for you to learn.

[Julia1996]

I will also add that coming here and trying to spread hopelessness and self doubt isn't going to make you feel better about yourself.

[Nora Kayte]

Oh please. WTF is wrong with you? The funny thing is I have felt this way before. You say you can't stand your father. Mine is dead. Your intertwined is your family business? So you obviously know a skill. So do it on your own. I seriously doubt you too stupid to make it on your own. But this post is making you look about that stupid. I am too old. To tall. To fat. No way I will ever pass. But you know what it's still a possibility. I love myself. And you know what others are starting to love me as I am for who I am. Love yourself and others will follow. Keep hating yourself and everyone who you think still like you will probably hate you because of your attitude. Most good people, the kind of people we actually want in our life will love us and be happy because we are happy. My wife and I are working through this because she supports me and loves me and would rather have me happy than dead.

You need to get over yourself you have a partner who will support and help you. I have that too. It's all I need.

And with your attitude you will never be authentic. Being authentic is an attitude. It's how you feel and presenting yourself. Being authentic is not something that anybody else has any kind of say in. It's something you do for yourself.

To be authentic to me is 1st love yourself. Second be yourself. No matter what that is. 3rd believe in yourself. You just have to believe. So all that and no one will be able to stop you. You still have our support if you want. Or at least mine. PM ME IF YOU NEED TO TALK!! You can have what ever you want. But quit trying to pull others down with you. Nobody is going to want to be around you. Whether you transition or not with a woe is me attitude like yours. It almost seems like you thrive on the negative. Seems like your the type that could take the most positive situation and find some way to turn it into a negative one. So if you want to transition which it sounds like you do, stay here with us. Let us support you. But if you don't want to transition. Just go away. No body wants you here pulling people down. I care. But you make it hard. What ever you decide I pray for your success. I care about you. I care about everyone. We need more positive than negative in this world. Let's start with you. Come on. You know you love us. So it's not garbage, transition is a genuine option. You have tons of options. To be genuine that's up to you. Authentic is also how you present your attitude to the world. Right now you are being an authentic Richard(D*** for short) everything you say you can't or won't be is how you act. How you present yourself. You CAN do it. If you want.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[IzzyC]

Thought it might be worth pointing this out:

Life itself is suffering. Existence is pain (I'm MR MEESEEKS LOOK AT ME). Being trans has nothing to do with it. Anything you do to make yourself happy is always, fundamentally speaking, a bandaid fix.

Eventually the band-aid comes off, no matter your particular psychological situation, and suffering is experienced.

I think this Buddha story is relevant.:

The Buddha always told his disciples not to waste their time and energy in metaphysical speculation. Whenever he was asked a metaphysical question, he remained silent. Instead, he directed his disciples toward practical efforts. Questioned one day about the problem of the infinity of the world, the Buddha said, "Whether the world is finite or infinite, limited or unlimited, the problem of your liberation remains the same." Another time he said, "Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first." Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth.

[Sarah77]

This reads like the existential wall we all hit at times.
Highs, lows, despair, hope.
There's that little voice that nags..you fraud.how can you be so selfish?
I think it's part anxiety, depression and internalised transphobia.
Being in-between seems to be what society hates the most.
Go on youtube evrn.
People who 'pass' are lauded, praised.
People who need to work harder don't get it so easy.

Just love your nearest and dearest and yourself xx

[Maybebaby56]

I really thought it would be best if I didn't post any more on this forum, but this message has a lot of meat on it, and I thought it might be worth it to reach out to someone who I can relate to in many ways. I shared many of your doubts and fears. I started "an attempt" to transition at age 56.  I am now a fully-transitioned transsexual female.

This is all falsehood. I am so done trying. If I go ahead with this I am going to lose my relationship to a Woman I love ever so deeply. Who is genuine and emotionally authentic. Who has supported me and who said she would stay with me through my transition should I decide to go ahead.

I am not following you here. You have a fully supportive and emotionally authentic significant other who says she will stay wth you through transition if you decide if this is best for you, and this means you will lose your relationship with her?  What am I missing here?

When I decided to transition, I accepted that the price might be the loss of my family, friends, and employment. Everything, really.  I kept my job and most of my friends.  I am now estranged from my sons, which causes me great pain, but even that is getting better.  I think you have more going for you than you realize.

I am MtF. There is no way I can pull this off. I started seeing a Clinical Psychologist who has worked with many TG, both MtF and FtM. I was recommended an Endocronologist.

So you're already seeing a therapist and have an endocrinologist?  It seems like you are coping pretty well. You are taking rational steps to see if transition is right for you.

I would effectively be destroying my current life and my sanity so I could look the way I want to look.

Suntan, dear, from the tone of your post, it seems like you are already doing that without transitioning. You describe this tremendous angst and unhappiness with your life, yet you fear "destroying" it.  Yes, you may have to leave behind what has always been familiar to you, but a prisoner does not turn down freedom because her prison cell is more familiar to her than what is outside those walls. This is about more than "Looking the way you want to look." It is about living the way you want to live.

Here's the thing though - it won't happen.

I said that once.  Well, more than once.  And with great conviction, too.  Did you notice my avatar by any chance?

I will never be biologically female.

Nope.

I will never feel the way a female does.

Now that's a much deeper epistomological question. You can never really answer that with complete certainty, but I can tell you from experience that since I transitioned, most of my friends are female, I relate much more to females than males, and all the little things that women do make so much more sense to me now. Does that mean anything? I don't know, either, but it worth thinking about.

I will never be taken seriously as an MtF if I am not passable.

Being passable is not about being taken seriously as a transgender, but being perceived as a cis-gender female, i.e. going stealth. This is a huge, very sensitive issue for many of us on this forum.  For some transgenders, like me for instance, passing is everything. For others it is not. For one thing, not everyone is gender-binary.  For them, "passing" does not have any meaning outside of being true to themselves. You know, one of the first transgender ladies I ever met in person (Suzifrommd, who used to be a prolific poster on this forum) would frequently remind me that some of the happiest TGs she ever knew were non-passable, and didn't give a fig. They were happy living their lives on their terms.  Something you might ponder.

I will always just be a hormone junkie. But when the clothes come off at night, I will still have the parts. I will still have the face. I will still be, essentially, a biological male.

First of all, what's wrong with being a hormone junkie?  I take pills every day for high blood pressure and cholesterol.  Those little blue pills I put under my tongue every morning don't bother me in the least.  I feel lucky to have access to hormones and good medical care. I recently started progesterone, only because I discussed it with my endocrinologist and wanted to see if it benefitted me.  Most cis-gender females don't get to fool with their hormones as much as I do, lol.

I started getting laser hair removal. Got rid of all my body hair. started on my beard. It got patchy. I panicked. It's going. I'm scared.

Then stop until you're okay with it.  You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Facial hair removal was one of the first things I started because I figured it was not an irreversible step. Lots of guys have sparse beards.  Some guys would be glad not to have beards at all.  This may be more about the tangible, physical steps of abandoning your male persona than anything else.

I dress at home, and I enjoy it a lot. 95% of the time it's non-sexual. My sex drive has been fuelled by Fear and Anxiety every time I see an attractive female. But I will never be that. I will always be the sick freak MtF.

I was a cross-dresser for many years, and while it brought me such pleasure and relief in the short-term, it was like a bad drug - it always made me feel worse afterwards. I thought I was a sick freak. Then I figured out what was really going on. I was transgender.   Okay, at first I thought that was just a different kind of f**ked up, but after seeing a therapist for a while,  and I understood where those feelings were coming from it was a great relief in many ways. You have to stop despising yourself for being who you are.

Even if I do go ahead with it, who is going to find me attractive? I am attracted to Women, not Men. As soon as a Lesbian see's what's down there, they're going to run. My current GF won't be attracted to me either.

You know who is attractive?  People who are warm, attentive, funny, intelligent, kind, and self-aware. Do you see gender or sex anywhere on that list?  Neither do I. My libido went to zero once I started HRT, and now that I am post-op and on progesterone, I get aroused but not about any one thing in particular. I am all over the map.  When I first transitioned, I had absolutely no attraction to males and figured I would be a lesbian. Now I don't know what I want.  I see cute guys and wonder... hmmm. I want penetrative sex, but men seemed to be attached to those penises, so I guess I want them, too. Am I gay or straight?  I have no idea.  I suggest you stop worrying about who will be attracted to you until you know more about yourself and what you have to offer to others.

And all the while, when I read the news and I see a modelling shoot, or bikini pic or even walk past a store that has nice pieces for sale, I am engulfed in a subtle jealous rage. I am both angry, jealous and turned on at the same time.

Boy, I can relate to that.  I felt much the same way.  Damn those delicious-looking women for looking so hot and making me want to be one!

my family will not accept it. My Father, whom I cannot stand, won't accept it and because I am intertwined in the family business, I would essentially lose my livelyhood. I am basically living my life for the sake of others.

Well, you said it, not me.  Why are you buying into that?  When will that become unacceptable?  How many years are you willing to waste?

Yes I know the responses. "I transitioned and never felt happier" bla bla GARBAGE. From day 1 it felt like I was being pandered to, like it's OK, and Transition is a genuine option. BULLS**T! There ARE NO OPTIONS. There are only bandaid solutions. I will never be genuine, I will never be authentic. I will always be, a sad, depressed delusional Male that Women won't accept, Men won't accept and personally unacceptable.

Pandered to?  Lol! No one is indulging you or your self-flagellation.  Just about everyone is on this site because they are really struggling, and trying to do the best they can.  Being transgender sucks.  It is not easy or fun, but you are very wrong about being genuine or authentic. That is what transition is all about. That is what drives us. Leaving the lie, the emptiness.  Stopping the pretense.  No longer pretending to be what you were never meant to be.   

I could get millions of dollars worth of surgery - all it will achieve is an emulation.

I happen to agree with you, but that's just me. Others on this site feel differently. I will never be a cis-gender woman.  I will never be a female from birth. I am a transgender female. That's who I am. I was born with a male body and a female spirit. All I ever wanted out of transition was to assume a female gender role in society.  I wanted to act like a woman, live as a woman, be seen as a woman, and be treated as a woman.  I have achieved that.  It is so wonderful.

Yeah, this post sucks. Probably the last thing many of you who are wanting to transition want to hear/read. Then again most of you would not feel the same way I do, and would probably be excited to transition and to you all I say, best of luck, enjoy it - be free. Live your lives, be happy - YOU can do it. I can't.

I don't think your post sucks.  That's why I took so much time to reply to it.  I think there is much you can do with your life to be happy, whether it involves transitioning or not.  I think you should give yourself more credit, and be more patient with yourself.  This is not an easy path, but whatever the outcome, it is one of discovery and growth.

You CAN do it!

With kindness,

Terri

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Terri,

So much wisdom in your reply. You said you thought it was best if you didn't post here anymore and I have to ask why? Your knowledge and opinion are wonderful. Just quoting a couple of things that stood out for me:

Yes, you may have to leave behind what has always been familiar to you, but a prisoner does not turn down freedom because her prison cell is more familiar to her than what is outside those walls.

I suggest you stop worrying about who will be attracted to you until you know more about yourself and what you have to offer to others.

I loved it, especially the comparison to the prisoner. Rings close to home, I get doubts every morning and that type of message is what I need.

[Nina]

Whoever said transition was supposed to be easy?
I read often of trans who've spent enormous amounts of money on surgeries, yet are never satisfied. Yet they'll keep spending and spending to become some ideal person they may never become.

As has been said before, and I totally agree, you gotta love yourself first. Living life with the glass half full mentality will never ever get you where you want to go.

You've got to believe in yourself that could one day be happy...but stop comparing yourself to women out there. Work on yourself first.

[Kylo]

I will never be an "authentic" man. Never will know what it's like to have certain experiences biological men do. Never will be a father. Never will have the comfort in knowing I have a specific and defined place in the world as a result.

But I will also never be able to live as what I was born as. I have tried. It's like trying to make two north poles of two magnets touch. Cannot accept life as a woman. Will not have children or be a wife. Will not put up and shut up with that assigned situation I was born into. It's not that I want to refuse any of it. It just can't be without causing me to recoil with every muscle I have including the mental ones. It is trying to force the square peg into the round hole, literally.

Am I going to be happy post-transition? Likely not. I'm not even going to entertain the idea it will make me "happy". It just has to be done. Will I be or feel "authentic"? Not even expecting to. But I will do it because I've chosen to explore the new rather than to rot and die in my cave of misery. It will come with new danger and new obstacles. So be it. I don't care if I'm called one thing or another. Somehow I've passed beyond that.

You do what you think is best. Everyone has their reasons. My demons will be with me for life. The trick is to learn to laugh at them, take away their power, and carry on regardless. That might involve transition or it might not. Whichever path you take, good luck on it.

[MeTony]

As many stated, attractive people are not the  ones perfect and beautiful on the outside. The perfect and beautiful on the outside are models. Models are fake. They don't even look like in the magazines for real. That is makeup and computer art.

You are attractive if you are yourself, confident in yourself, a nice smile can floor anyone, it's not about looks. It's about you being confident in who you are.


I'm gendered man 50% of the time. I'm gendered woman the other 50%. What makes ME feel good? It's when people say HE to me. That brings me a feeling of satisfaction. That satisfaction is my guide to being myself, being a guy.


I won't be a biological guy, but I'm a guy in spirit. I've always been a guy. 

I've tried so hard being a woman for over 20 years. It does not work out for me. I have crashed hard, hit rock bottom. I'm not a woman. My soul is male.

Maybe you need time to step back, don't rush it. Think and feel the situation. You need a break. Gather your thoughts and feelings. Talk to your therapist.


Tony

[SadieBlake]

OP, you know an awful lot for someone who's mostly thought about this and not actually done much. I think it's time you let go of your assumptions - they're mostly wrong.

You wrote in someone else's thread that your motivation was to be sexually submissive. Trust me, there are scads of submissive men out there and no shortage of dominant women, either.

You sound trans to me with a lot of the same issues most of us face, not particularly unique, no special flowers here. I'm not going to waste time comparing and contrasting your experience to mine, you'll either figure it out or you won't.

Namaste, now must go.

p.s. if I believed in curses or blessings I would call being trans a blessing. We probably have more reasons to share empathy with both genders as most of us experience some of life on both sides. I didn't exactly enjoy the time I spent trying to fit as male and I'll never feel I understand men, however I've experienced life on both sides of the tracks, something most people don't get.in the past and in other cultures today we have tended to be respected, taking roles like shaman. I consider it an honor to represent that in the modern world.

[Ashley3]

This is all falsehood. I am so done trying.
...
Yes I know the responses. "I transitioned and never felt happier" bla bla GARBAGE. From day 1 it felt like I was being pandered to, like it's OK, and Transition is a genuine option. BULLS**T! There ARE NO OPTIONS. There are only bandaid solutions. I will never be genuine, I will never be authentic. I will always be, a sad, depressed delusional Male that Women won't accept, Men won't accept and personally unacceptable.

I could get millions of dollars worth of surgery - all it will achieve is an emulation.

Yeah, this post sucks. Probably the last thing many of you who are wanting to transition want to hear/read. Then again most of you would not feel the same way I do, and would probably be excited to transition and to you all I say, best of luck, enjoy it - be free. Live your lives, be happy - YOU can do it. I can't.

So you're obviously not feeling great today! (and that is meant to cheer you up so you better know I'm not laughing at you but I'm assuming you see the humor and giggled slightly... hopefully you did.)

Okay, so others have offered great pointed responses so I probably don't have much to offer. What I'll say will sound idealistic but I believe it so you can take it or leave it as you see fit...

You are already authentic. That can never change that. You are being an exact being at this moment and in every moment of life.

You should work to relax a bit and consider that you are one of the luckiest people in the Universe if not here on Earth. Now you don't have to appreciate transitioning or not transitioning to know that about yourself. You are the ONLY you there EVER will be... SO... I could say "ya betta get used to it" but that's so "tough love" sounding which I absolutely cannot stand... so how about I say... there's a treasure and it's you and you're deluding yourself when you think you can't see it.

Okay, so with that minor but probably the most-important-thing-you-can-come-to-understand-thing out of the way, let me continue by saying...

Given who you are, why don't you think about how you want to be? How do you feel? Don't worry about all of the narratives. Those really mean nothing at the end of the day... it's really what you're about. ...

Look if things are non-optimum right now, okay...so things are imperfect right now... but I mean Person... THIS IS LIFE!!! ... isn't it amazing?! Really think about it? You're alive and that's pretty damn fantastic!

Negativity is so powerful... really bugs me that darn negativity. So you haven't figured out the magic in terms of understanding and navigating your own negativity and that's a normal thing. So look, nobody can tell you how to handle all that... it's like you can learn by interacting others, learning from others, learning from yourself, reading books, living life, that sort of thing... but you have to figure it out. But people are around to bounce things off of so that's good... and even when there not, the real treasure is that you're actually really lucky in those moments. Those are the moments when you get to appreciate life more fully. Sounds counterintuitive but that's only if you compare it to bad examples. 

So listen... life naturally has ups and downs... life is not about finding zero ups/downs... life's fulfilling sort of joy is to be found in riding those ups/downs in a way that is most fulfilling. The downs get too much of a bad rap. I say if you're going to curl up in a ball and feel down, do so and wonder at your inner life and the fact that YOU CAN FEEL! Hooray! ... we have feelings folks! So if you're feeling down be darn happy you can sense that... you have feelings... that's your instrument working for you. Learn how to use it... to appreciate it... and you will find a fulfilling life.

Happiness to me is not a smile smacked across the face 24/7... it's about allowing yourself to be who you are, even when feeling down, and appreciating that, working with it, learning to ride those waves with great appreciation.

None of this is to excuse someone who might be so down they need to find help or those who might need medical assistance one way or another... I'm not trying to say it's all "feel good" ... but we have so many messages that (ultimately one way or another) to be afraid of our feelings and I think that compounds depression, frankly. When a human feels down, I bet most of the time something "right" and "good" are happening in that the human is functioning correctly... so if you're strong enough, relax and allow yourself to just feel a certain way and wonder at it... you might come to appreciate it and that itself may turn it into something other than pain.

I think I get the mode you're in... you've found that place in your life that can be really really down and negative about any possibilities... and you're in that mode where you're ready, absolutely ready for anything anybody suggests, just to say it won't work for you. Okay, so fine... be there if you must... be there but try wondering at yourself for a bit... don't hate yourself if you see what I'm saying is true... or false. Forget about what I'm saying and just wonder at yourself.

Who are YOU???

Why are you on Earth?

When you laugh, why does that happen?

When you cry, why does that happen?

You've seen people cry and have been told it means "they are sad" and you've seen people laugh and you've been told "their happy" ... I say FALSE... what does it mean to cry? What does it mean to laugh? That's pretty fantastic stuff. I mean ... think about that ... your mind takes in what it perceives... and a laugh is triggered... the mind works that way.... but WHY? And not having answers is not bad... wondering about it is an amazing thing to do! You may find answers!

Anyway, I don't have your answers... but life is f'ing fantastic and you have a lot going for you so I say find a way out of the dungeon or at least ponder it with wonder. (smiley face, yes, but seriously too.)

I think you'll be fine... you just need to see how good it all is, whether you're experiencing good times or bad. It's hard, I know ... but I've had my fair share of tests... minor compared to others... but enough to realize you can create value out of the down times.

I mean you will never be a genetic female in this lifetime... okay... so why is that so bad? Have you been trained to believe that? If so, why? I know, there's dysphoria but you also haven't taken many steps. It's tough in the early stages... I personally did not believe I'd make any headway but little by little I was surprised. Today I ride on so much doubt of the past that it's mind boggling how easy it is for me to forget the doubts I had along the way. There's something to be said about incremental small steps. Try to find something today to enjoy your transition experimentation. If tomorrow you don't feel like you'll ever transition, why not enjoy that day, or at least appreciate the wonder of the twists and turns your life takes you on... it's sort of the best free ride you can go on.

[CarlyMcx]

I am sorry you feel so poorly about transitioning.  By the time I got diagnosed I had been suffering massive debilitating panic attacks for 10 years.  Anti anxiety drugs weren't working and I was almost housebound.  I had to transition to save my career and my sanity.

I went on hormones for the psychological effects.  I figured that at 53 years old, physically I was gonna get what I was gonna get, and I did not expect much.  Turns out I got very lucky.  After 16 months I get gendered female with my hair pulled back, no makeup, in jeans and a T shirt.

But-- I don't pass because I am a woman or even a good imitation.  I know that I am an illusionist.  I have spent most of my life growing bonsai trees.  A bonsai tree is not an actual miniature tree; it is a cleverly crafted illusion of one, using living material.  I am also a trial lawyer and I know well the visual cues people use to identify others because I've tried a lot of criminal cases where identification is in issue.

I pass because I know how to present the right visual cues--even though I don't pass on close inspection, I still do because I know how to be cute, feminine, friendly, nonthreatening.

I've spent 20 years working toward a desired image on some bonsai trees.  It can be a very slow process.  But my life is enriched by my relationship with the tree.  Transition works the same way.  It is a slow, difficult process.  But transition enriches my relationship with my soul, my deepest, truest self and others close to me.

If transition is not for you, then so be it.  Live your life.  I wish you peace and happiness.

[zamber74]

You will always be you, and to be frank all of us are more than our gender.  You can pop a ton of pills, and you will still be you, you may feel more comfortable with yourself, you may feel less comfortable with yourself, but in the end there is no running away from yourself, you will always be you.

You proceed in life in a manner that makes you happiest, you proceed in a manner that you want.  You can conform to everyone else, or you can live life in your own way.

I've been where you are now, I've thought the same things.  I will never be biologically woman, I'll never have the experiences women have had since birth.. .. .. but wtf is a woman vs a man to begin with?  Is there some set standard to women, do they all think alike, are they are all carbon clones of one another?  Are all men alike? 

Certainly, I'll never be a "woman", for that matter I'll never be a "man".  I'll never be taken seriously under either gender, so I may as well go with what makes me feel most comfortable, and the happiest.  I am more feminine, I would feel more comfortable presenting myself that way, and although I may never be considered a woman by many people, it is how I want to be.

In the end, I will always be myself.  Not a woman, not a man, not my job, not my skin color, I am an individual, and I will pursue my life in that fashion.  I am done trying to conform, it is a pointless pursuit for me, it has no benefit, so I will live life among those who will accept me for me, and what makes me happy.

I've spent most of my life trying to please others, and trust me sweetheart, a lot of those people you spend your life trying to appease, will not change themselves one bit, to accommodate you.  Yet here you are, completely changing everything about yourself to accommodate them.  It is cruel, and you owe it to yourself to be yourself, whatever that may be. Surely, you can sacrifice a bit of yourself for others, but not toward those who would rather you not exist at all, if you do not fit their mold.

Dust your shoes off, and walk on, cause you owe it to yourself to be happy.  Be that whatever gender you identify as..

[Tamika Olivia]

Dear, you've been infected with some virulent internalized transphobia, and I'm so sorry for the pain it is causing you. I hope you can find your way to healing.

I'd like to address a couple of points, and while I'm not sure I'll be able to chip the walls you're trapped in right now, I hope to at least provide some food for thought (mistress of the mixed metaphor).

The first point is this notion that you have that you will lose your partner, your family, and your financial stability. Now, I'm doing this from memory, because I can't reference your initial post right now, but you said that your spouse is supportive and willing to stay with you as you transition. You should trust her, trust that she is telling the truth to the best of her ability.

As to your family, you don't know you'll lose them either. You can't know, because I couldn't. My dad had nothing but poison to say for trans people all my life. Now he calls me his daughter. Bigotry thrives on abstraction. You may lose them, or they may gain the true you. Either is better than the lie. The same holds true for employment. To a less emotional degree.

The second point is on this absurd notion that you can't be an authentic woman. You already are an authentic woman. Everyone who is a woman, be they cis or trans is an authentic woman. I know this, because I know who Michelle Obama and Marie Antoinette are. Both of these humans had vastly different lives, more different than yours and any average modern cis girl's could ever be, and yet you would not hesitate in calling both women. That's because intuitively you would recognize that there is no universal experience of womanhood, there are only generalities and commonalities, all with qualifiers and exceptions.

Yes, you will never know what it's like to be a cis woman.  A cis woman will never know what it's like to be trans. A woman born in Okinawa will not know what it's like to be born in Oklahoma City. Just as you wouldn't say that women born in Oklahoma are more authentic than those born in Okinawa, you should not say that those born cis are more authentic than those born trans. That you do say that, and that many others would agree, is not truth or your fault. It's just the mindscrew pulled by a society that devalues trans people.

Love yourself, trust those you've surrounded yourself with, and don't let a society that devalues you gaslight you into devaluing yourself.

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