Fear of coming out

[Sasha Rose]

Just about everyone has come out to someone before, right? It's all part of living an authentic life. No disclosure means no closure, right? So I'm sure someone here can relate, or has some advice. If nothing else, it makes me feel better to finally unload in a safe environment.

So, I came out to my family (more like, two family members, my mom and sister) almost five years ago. Looking back, it was so silly, and I'm embarrassed every time I think about it. In one of my "got to prove how masculine I am" moments, I ironically was belittling transgender people on the show "Taboo." It was so immature, and I still don't understand why I did it.

But as the show progressed, and I heard them talking about transgender people, I unthinkingly jumped to their defense. It was during that conversation, when they asked how I know they aren't just "confused" people, that I just...just said "because I am one." My cheeks burned for what felt like hours as they just stared at me. But it was an opening. It was my way of coming out.

I had hoped to be real and honest from then on out with everyone, but...I couldn't. I couldn't go though with changing my life. So I buried it again.

Now I'm in a strange place. I've met new people, become part of a faith that condemns us as abominable, and have created social bonds that would be absolutely obliterated if I came out now. Again. Even my own mother, who knows and was though very upset) accepted it at first, wouldn't accept it if I actually decided to g through with it now, because so much has changed.

I know, really, in the end, I'm the only one who can decide what I ultimately do, but I don't have any idea what to do now. I know there's no easy answers. I'm single, and that saves me the trouble to explaining things to a spouse. But I have a family that absolutely detests "queers" and.....other nasty words they use to describe anyone not part of the "norm."

What am I supposed to do? How can I transition if I don't tell everyone who I really am inside? And how can I tell people who'll look at me with disgust? Most of all, how can I tell everyone how I really feel, when it's against the religious codes of my faith? People have come to depend on me, and younger kids are watching me. Even if the little buggers don't respect me  But it's not exactly honest when bottling up my feelings causes me to harbor secret emotional swings anyway...

I'll take any, any advice. And sorry it's so long winded! I just...thought maybe more details would help explain my individual situation. Thank you so much, if nothing else, for your time, everyone! <3

[LizK]

Now I'm in a strange place. I've met new people, become part of a faith that condemns us as abominable, and have created social bonds that would be absolutely obliterated if I came out now. Again. Even my own mother, who knows and was though very upset) accepted it at first, wouldn't accept it if I actually decided to g through with it now, because so much has changed.

I know, really, in the end, I'm the only one who can decide what I ultimately do, but I don't have any idea what to do now. I know there's no easy answers. I'm single, and that saves me the trouble to explaining things to a spouse. But I have a family that absolutely detests "queers" and.....other nasty words they use to describe anyone not part of the "norm."

What am I supposed to do? How can I transition if I don't tell everyone who I really am inside? And how can I tell people who'll look at me with disgust? Most of all, how can I tell everyone how I really feel, when it's against the religious codes of my faith? People have come to depend on me, and younger kids are watching me. Even if the little buggers don't respect me  But it's not exactly honest when bottling up my feelings causes me to harbor secret emotional swings anyway....

So from what you have said you have joined a religious group that thinks you as a trans person an abomination? Can I ask why you would continue to even be with them instead of looking for a far more accepting group? Trans people are not even mentioned in the bible however many religions have interpretations that think it does. But will not adhere to other teachings that do not suit their particular agenda.

If you wish to stay in that religion then you will have to accept the teachings or be ostracized worse when you transition if they are still really against your transition they may want to try and "heal" you with conversion therapy.

Best practice science is fairly straight forward on trans people and it is not overly difficult to follow. The treatments are well established in many countries.

At the end of the day you are going to need to make a choice over your o         wn happiness. If you are happy to stay as a non transitioning then maybe that is what you need to do. It depends on what you see as important. It doesn't sound like a happy combination...you transitioning with the religious group you are part of.

Just my few cents worth on the topic.

[JoanneB]

A little putting the cart before the horse are we?

Me, I see absolutely no reason whatsoever to tell anyone anything just because I feel I am TG. Yes, if you feel it, you are. That's an easy one. If the "Where on the spectrum?" question, one that is often difficult to answer, is difficult for you to answer, then Why tell? There is an almost infinite universe in the world between cis-female and cis-male. Many involve only "Transitioning", or Changing things about yourself on the inside. How you see and think of yourself. Trying to lessen, or even put an end to the Shame & Guilt that has run your life. And so much more that all to most of the world will see is a nicer person.

If your particular flavor of GD was so severe, that it rules your life, that you cannot imagine living another day as you are... well you wouldn't be all that worried about telling. What you need to do to wake up tomorrow is obvious. Oh... that is if suicide is not a viable alternative. Me, I like the Do-Over option. In this case, then your "Coming Out" will be a lot more then just words. In a few days or less they will see a whole new you.

I've been battling the Trans-Beast all my life. 8 years ago I needed to take it on for real, yet after 2 utter fail transition experiments in my early 20's a third one was not in my future. I found an amazing support group. I was floored during and after my first meeting. By the third I knew I needed to be there. Eventually I found a TG friendly therapist (rural area). I started HRT, put in a ton of hard work and tears in healing myself from the inside. My life started to take many turns for the better.

The only people, outside those in my support group, that knew of my "active" status were my wife and therapist. Yes, I know the "You are only as sick as your secrets..." I am also a realist. So is my wife. We both agreed that telling even my sister will do what? Strain an already dysfunctional tenuous family relationship? To what end? It's not like next month her little brother is now her big sister.

Today, some 8 years later, HRT well kicked in  , A few years of living part-time as female, I still live and work primarily as male. My sister does know now, but up untill my fight with insurance did anyone outside of medical providers knows of my status. I did break down when I was in Social Justice Warrior mode to tell the head of HR about the companies "Transgender Exclusion" in our health plan, contrary to all the glowing management "Polices" proclaiming the usual anti this, anti that World Class supra-national firms have.

[Sasha Rose]

Thanks for the wisdom. I almost didn't post this topic because I felt it was stupid to ask others their opinions on what was going to ultimately be something only I could decide. But I'm so glad I did. I absolutely needed to hear some hard lines about this big decision of mine. If nothing else, it's forcing me to consider my desires and convictions, and the reality of whether I'm serious about what I want to do.

Especially since I've been through the depressed and suicidal phases and never want to go back there again, I am genuinely grateful for every response.

[KathyLauren]

The bottom line is: What do you have to do to be comfortable with yourself?  I can't answer that; only you can.

Not every trans person needs to transition.  Many do, perhaps most, but some find relief with low-dose hormones.  Just an option to consider.

If you need to transition, then you need to transition.  You will lose some associates along the way.  I won't call them friends, because if they were friends you wouldn't lose them.  Some of those people may be family.  That is unfortunate, and it hurts a lot.  But sometimes family can surprise us for the better.

I could never be a part of a religion that believed that I was an abomination.  So I have to wonder why you associate with them.  Do you share that particular belief?  Are there other denominations that might provide what you want in a faith that don't include that belief?

These are all questions that you will have to investigate.  The best way to do so is to see a gender therapist.

[Tommie_9]

Hello Sasha,

I'm not offering advice, and I apologize for the lengthy reply, but since you used a strong word like "fear," I felt I had to share my own individual experience. This is a virtual support group, after all. Disclosing is the most fearful and biggest decision I ever had to make in my life. Bigger than choosing a partner and getting married. You may be feeling the same way, so my heart goes out to you. We all have unique backgrounds and life situations. There is no right or wrong way to live as your authentic self.

The first person I disclosed to was my significant other. It's hard for her, but she loves me, and our marriage will survive. I learned from a supportive sister-in-law that the family was questioning each other and talking about me. They suspected I was either gay or transitioning. I felt forced to disclose to my siblings. There was mixed reaction, and I only have one brother out of my three siblings who really supports me. The others keep their distance now. My parents are deceased. I have no children.

To protect my wife from the fallout of disclosing to her conservative fundamentalist Christian family, I don't plan to disclose to them and hope it isn't disclosed by accident for her sake. I personally would disclose to them and let the chips fall where they may, but that would create a terrible situation for her. They would probably urge her to get a divorce. I lost one of my long-time friends who found out by accident. I haven't disclosed to my other best friend yet, although I wear earrings, and express androgynously when I'm with him. I think he thinks I'm gay, and I'm fine with that for now. My other long-time friend, my former college roommate, is rather backward thinking, so I don't plan to disclose to him right away. I plan to disclose to all of them eventually, but I'm being patient and waiting for whatever I feel is the right time.

I see a gender therapist, who is a tremendous help as I continue my journey. And it is a journey. I have a codependent personality, so I'm resolving that. I've stopped demanding or expecting positive support from people I disclose to. I have to let them go and rebuild my new life with a new environment and positive supporting people. One of the most important things I've done is find a church that advocates for social justice and LGBTQ equality. I live in a larger metro area, so these churches exist. I couldn't bear staying in an environment where I'm considered an abomination, and yes, I've been called that. I'm removing those people from my life and not trying to change them. My spiritual life is extremely important to me, and I'm starting to make new friends.

The bottom line is that I can't live in the shadows any more. It's just not an option for me from a mental health standpoint. I did this my whole life and it was just too emotionally damaging to not live life as my authentic self. The alternative was finality to end the pain. My father committed suicide on August 13 to end his pain. This was my big turning point. I'm in middle age, and I felt time was running out to find a way to love myself and enjoy the rest of my life. I need a social and spiritual life where I'm appreciated, not condemned. I need to be surrounded by positive people who support me, not just tolerate me.

In spite of the rejection, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm gradually building a brand new life. It's a slow process, but making the effort to grow is a very fulfilling feeling. I'm not rushing things, and taking a measured approach as I progress is working. The most important thing to me is to do whatever it takes to find happiness and peace. I know others have much more challenging life circumstances and find it hard to deal with loss. I'm very fortunate in many ways with my life situation. It isn't typical, but I thought there might be some things in there you could relate to. I wish you all the best as you determine what's right for you.

[Kendra]

Hi Sasha,

I admire you for having the courage to do what you have already done.  And for weighing your options and planning your next move.

Steve Jobs made the following statement during a commencement speech he gave at Stanford:
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."

Something to consider.