Quote from: HappyMoni on October 13, 2017, 06:05:03 PM
Bari Jo,
I am a bit late to your thread, but am very happy that you are finding your path. Perhaps I am a stranger to you but I had a few thoughts for you to think about. I came out in multiple ways about two years ago. For the people I was closest to, I came out in person. This was to my sons. I am thinking that you are probably terrified to tell your sister. I was in my case. I wanted to give my kids a heads up before we talked, so I wrote them a little note and let them read it. It really emphasized the thing you said above. "You are the one person I desperately want and need support from." I told them that we needed to sit down and talk about something very important to me. The thing is, I am terrified that it could cause me to lose you. I said that it was no longer a choice, that I had to do this. I hope you will listen and give what I say a chance. I then listed a few things that it wasn't, such as me sick or dying, going to jail, etc. I wanted them to be ready to listen and I thought it good that they worried a little but not too much. I asked that they not ask questions until we got to the place where we would talk. To me this was a way to break the ice on a momentous conversation. (You might hand such a note to her at the end of dinner with the idea of talking when you get home for example.) When I did tell them that I was trans, I set it up with history first. I wanted to give the context of where this was all coming from. Let's face it, as soon as you say, "I am trans."or "I am wrestling with gender identity issues." no one hears anything else that is said. I came out in front of 90 coworkers and many said that after I said that, they heard nothing else. One more thing, I did not hold back telling my kids how much I had tried to run from myself, how much anguish it had caused me. I wanted to let them know what the stakes were for me. I also thought that the details of transition could come later. It was too much to tell and to soon for them to think specifics. It's funny that my son later joked that he was glad it wasn't something really weird like me changing political parties or something. They both were fine with me thankfully. I asked if I handled it okay and they said it was done very well. I have no stake in how you handle things, but I thought I would offer up my experience as a reference. I so wish you good luck. It felt wonderful to me to unload a secret I had carried for over 50 years. I hope you experience this as well.
Moni
"Came out" to my kids last spring, as I was just starting to re-transition. Currently they're 12 (twins.) Fortunately wife had them watch the Caitlyn Jenner thing a few weeks prior, so they already had a (very) general idea what being transwoman is. After a decently gourmet homemade dinner (Chicken Spinach Alfredo over Veggie Rotini,) and the dishes were cleared away, we all gathered back around the table with us both saying we have something very important to talk to you two about. We told them it wasn't necessarily anything bad, like divorce, or losing our apartment or anything (we struggle paycheck to paycheck,) to alleviate their fears first. Then we led in with hints and clues to get them thinking about the issue, like peculiarities about my personality, how my wife is the more dominant one in our relationship, and reminding them of the Caitlyn Jenner thing. It clicked and my daughter figured it out. Had to give my son the answer to the riddle, lol. I then tearfully told them about what life for me had been like, including that analogy I told you about. (Daughter understood instantly, love her to death.) I then showed them a pic of me from 11 years prior, during my first attempt at transition, asked them what they thought, and explained why we stopped and waited so long, which was mostly for their sakes. We let them ask questions, nothing was off limits. They asked about GRS, so we told them the basics of what happens. Naturally daughter was wowed and son instantly moved to cover his groin. Once they ran out of curiosities we asked each how they felt about it, letting them know that any response, including a negative one was ok, as long as it was the truth. Daughter replied first, saying she thinks its kinda cool, and that if nothing else there will be one more member of the family on "team girl," then turned to her brother and said "sorry, you're kinda outnumbered now." He just laughed and said ok, then said that it doesn't bother him, whatever makes us happy. They asked how they should refer to me. We went with practicality and safety first. We said to make things easier on them they could either call me Jenny or mommy Jenny to avoid confusion, but that until I was full time again, we had to go with daddy outside the house for safety. (We live in a bad neighborhood.) We had them just basically go by how I was dressed, male reference in drab, and vice versa.
Initially things were kinda awkward between us, especially when it came to hugs. Our daughter adjusted first, son came around later, but then pubescent boys often start to avoid mom hugs. No issues with affection now, I'm happy to report.
In May I received the first gift that actually made me cry, and cry hard. Without suggestion or provocation on May 14th my daughter came up to me and said Happy Mother's day, and gave me the biggest hug. Her brother followed suit. Now that I'm basically full time, and there are no more "daddy" references, things between the four of us are pretty good. Heck, even though he doesn't really care for it as it's kinda the opposite of dinosaurs and cars, my son will occasionally watch My Little Pony with me to spend time together. Going together with my daughter to the mall and salon on a "Mother Daughter Day," was glorious. We both got highlights and trims, she got her first professional bra fitting at Victoria's Secret, got her ears pierced at Claires, and then we power shopped.
As I'm currently in the stay at home mom and housewife role (which I love,) it's helped to normalize the transition for them. They get to see the real me. They love the fact that I'm happier and less short tempered, and have affirmed that if it was their decision, they'd rather have this me than the old grumpy one.
I had spent close to 12 years agonizing about how they'd take it, whether it would put up walls, and whether it would affect them negatively growing up. We've had them talk to a therapist twice now, once last June, and again last month, to make sure there aren't any issues that they are too apprehensive to tell us. No problems there either. Now to them, we're just a happy family and they have two Mom's, one of whom has led a rather unique life. In short, family members that truly love and care for you, will often surprise you at just how supportive they are and how truly unconditional love can be. All those years of agony and anxiety, and it ended up being no big deal. Bari Jo, I hope your reveal with your sister, and your relationship afterwords goes just as successfully. I'm here if you need me.
HUGS!
