Change of plans early coming out to sister?

[Bari Jo]

Okay, now I'm just mad.  Here I am losing weight, been on HRT for three months, and growing out my hair.  I meet my sister and dad for dinner, and they comment on my weight loss, and how my face is thinner, even noticing I'm growing out my hair.  This is all good and planting seeds to coming out.  Then my sister says I need to change my hairstyle since I look like Javier bardem in No Country For Old Men.  Might as well say I look like Danny de Vito or something.  That has got to be the most unflattering comment ever.  I didn't cry, but I was plenty mad.  Now I don't even want to open up to her.

Barry Jo aka Anger Ball

[JennyBear]

Okay, now I'm just mad.  Here I am losing weight, been on HRT for three months, and growing out my hair.  I meet my sister and dad for dinner, and they comment on my weight loss, and how my face is thinner, even noticing I'm growing out my hair.  This is all good and planting seeds to coming out.  Then my sister says I need to change my hairstyle since I look like Javier bardem in No Country For Old Men.  Might as well say I look like Danny de Vito or something.  That has got to be the most unflattering comment ever.  I didn't cry, but I was plenty mad.  Now I don't even want to open up to her.

Barry Jo aka Anger Ball

    Slow down girl. While I'm not gonna argue the fact that her comment could have been worded better, maybe it was her way of saying you could do with a more obviously feminine hairstyle. But as I'm getting you're not out to the rents yet either, she had to do it in code. Could always call her and at some point in the convo ask her what she meant by it. Of course you can't tell her why it bothered you without letting the cat out of the bag. It could have also been another instance of well intentioned ribbing to prod you in the direction of telling her point blank. She wouldn't intentionally wanted to hurt you like that and yet have bought you the doll. You are gonna want her to give you the benefit of the doubt here in a couple weeks, so she deserves the same. Stay Safe and Good Luck.

HUGS!

[Bari Jo]

No, I'm not out to the parents.  I really only wanted the support of my sister.  Although my parents support will probably be a given, it didn't mean as much to me.  Maybe by your logic, I should ask for hairstyle suggestions in a couple weeks, give examples and slip in my face app avatar.  Maybe that's a way to go.  Still though kinda seething.  It didn't seem constructive, but then I've felt vulnerable for over a week now.  Most comments feel negative to me ATM.

Bari Jo

[Megan.]

The comments are being given out of context, expectations for presentation are way different between the binary genders, try to cut her some slack. When you come out to her, if you remind her what she said, I'm sure she'll feel very bad for saying it. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[JennyBear]

No, I'm not out to the parents.  I really only wanted the support of my sister.  Although my parents support will probably be a given, it didn't mean as much to me.  Maybe by your logic, I should ask for hairstyle suggestions in a couple weeks, give examples and slip in my face app avatar.  Maybe that's a way to go.  Still though kinda seething.  It didn't seem constructive, but then I've felt vulnerable for over a week now.  Most comments feel negative to me ATM.

Bari Jo

   Then that's definitely something to keep in mind with the person whose opinion and support you care about most. You have every right to feel hurt and be "Seething," after all I agreed that the remark was worded insensitively. Until you tell her your whole truth, she may not understand just why that comment came across as it did. Who knows? She may have thought about it later and is currently beating herself up with guilt over it. As to what you both feel comfortable about discussing after the big reveal, I'm not even gonna try and predict. I'd just play it by ear at that point. She might bring up fashion and beauty, the current political landscape, your immediate and long term plans for the future, rehash your shared past, or even ask whether you like boys, girls, or both, and then dish on celebs of the ones you say until you both end up in a giggle fest over hot cocoa or tea. Just remember, we all say things that come out wrong sometimes, and we don't always notice it or its effects. I really feel for the current time frame you have to wait and agonize details and "what ifs" until the reveal actually happens. I've got something similar in topic and magnitude occurring on the 27th of this month. I'm at once increasingly excited, anxious, scared s#!tless, and emotional to full on crying jags about it. I'm just lucky that I have people around me to get me through it. Hopefully in two weeks you will too.

HUGS!

[Bari Jo]

This is so very hard and emotionally taxing.  As you can see by the time I'm typing this I'm losing sleep over it too.  I believe you all are right.  She is treating me as binary, even if she's had suspicions.  Ill still come out and tell her the whole of it.  I'm hoping by then I won't be seething and feel I have a chip on my shoulder while doing it.

Bari Jo

[Cindy]

Can I just mention one tiny detail about your sisters response and your expectations?

You have known you are female for quite some time. She doesn't know yet.

She is not going to respond to her sister in a feminine manner until she has met her.

My sister was also 2 years older than I. She was the same. Once I came out it was all done within a heart beat or a FaceBook post (whatever)
But until I came out to her I was her little brother.

[Bari Jo]

Thanks Cindy, yes we are coming at this from two different understandings.  I need to keep that in mind during my roller coaster of experiences.  That does take some of the edge off.  now hopefully sleep.

Bari Jo

[steph2.0]

Thanks Cindy, yes we are coming at this from two different understandings.  I need to keep that in mind during my roller coaster of experiences.  That does take some of the edge off.  now hopefully sleep.

Bari Jo,

Please stop beating yourself (and your sister) up. It's not as bad as you think. I'll bet you coffee and a donut that things will flip-flop in an instant when you tell her. Right now, even if she has suspicions, you're her brother, with all of the societal assumptions that carries. When you tell her, you will instantly be her sister, and those assumptions will completely change.

I came out to my mom and sister back in August and hit the same kind of thing. I posted this story back then in another thread, so I'll summarize it here: I flew 1200 miles for my mom's surprise 80th birthday party (yeah, I'm old). My sister is 11 months younger than me, and during the planning for the party she consistently referred to me as "big brother." My wife and I stayed at her house so mom wouldn't know we'd be there. The day after the party I'd be telling her and my sister about my transition.

I realized how strong the assumptions about her "brother" were when we found out that I'd forgotten my toothbrush. She went through her collection, and insisted that I needed the blue one, not the pink one, because it was a "boy brush." This is just what you went through with the hair comment. I was already nervous, and this sent my anxiety through the roof.

Two days later we took mom and sis to a park in my old home town and I broke the news. I was shaking and crying and way over-explaining everything when suddenly my sister grabbed me in a huge hug and said in my ear, "I always wanted a sister!" (Mom was really cool, too.)

I told her later that I'd planned to have my bags packed so we could get out of her house fast if needed. She was insulted that I had felt that way. The coolest thing, though, happened when we got back to her house. When my mom got remarried after my dad died long ago, she gave her original wedding ring to my sister, who'd intended to give it to her daughter (my niece). She called me into her room and gave it to me, saying that maybe her new sister might want it instead.

We were never particularly close in the past. Growing up we'd fight like cats and dogs, and we don't have many interests in common. It sounds like you and your sister are already much closer than we were. But the ties are so much stronger for my sister and I now. She gives me advice on clothes and makeup, and even sent this in an email about a month later:

It will be a hard habit to break, but I hope it's ok if I start thinking about you as my sister and "her" and "she".

Seriously, is it ok? Happy happy!

I think this is what you have to look forward to, Bari Jo. Another hint: at the wedding, let your new happiness of transitioning show through. Smile as much as you want to, allow your loving nature to be seen. People will notice this new shine, and when you tell your sister you can refer to it, and let her know that your transitioning is the reason for your joy. Believe me, knowing you are happy will make her happy, too.

You'll be fine.

Stephanie

[Julia1996]

If anyone else had said that to you I would understand your being offended but since it's your sister who said it I wouldn't take it seriously. I doubt she really meant it. Brothers and sisters say all kinds of dumb crap to each other that they don't mean. I tell my brother he's ugly enough to make an onion cry. He tells me I'm ugly enough to sour milk if I look directly at it. I know what your sister said upset you but you're not out to her yet. Comparing you to any male hurts your feelings I know, but she didn't mean it like that. If she knew you were trans then it would have been a huge insult but she doesn't know yet. Because she doesn't know her comment was probably her way of saying you need a haircut. I'm sorry her comment hurt you so much but I totally don't think she intended it to hurt you.

[Bari Jo]

I hope you are both right.  I'll try to stop my anxiety about this and just live till I come out to her.  I like the idea of letting my happiness shine through at the wedding.  I'll see if I can do that!

Bari Jo

[Roll]

Yeah, I second the sibling relationship thing may lead her to say things that might seem insensitive when they aren't meant to be. I sort of do it to my sister all the time. And in turn, she has said a few things that, not knowing my situation, have definitely hit me a little harder than they should, but she meant nothing bad by those things. With siblings in particular there is just an extra layer of filtering missing I think.

[Bari Jo]

Today my sister worked in my gallery doing renovations for me while I was at the day job.  Maybe she felt bad, I don't know, still the anger is lessening.  I can't wait to finally come out to her and just get this episode of the journey over with.

Bari Jo

[JennyBear]

Today my sister worked in my gallery doing renovations for me while I was at the day job.  Maybe she felt bad, I don't know, still the anger is lessening.  I can't wait to finally come out to her and just get this episode of the journey over with.

Bari Jo

    Anything new on that front for an update?

HUGS!

[Bari Jo]

There's been a little.  I've rewritten the letter a number of times.  I'm over crying I think.

She had her wedding on Saturday night.  I walked her down the aisle and was the ring bearer.  I've been trying to drop hints.  For instance in a picture from the wedding I commented that it always looks like I'm wearing mascara, I should just start doing it.  It was a day of the dead wedding too, and I had my face painted just like the doll she gave me.  I know I said I'd wear a mask, but everybody in the wedding party already had their face painted, so had to fit in.  I did not get my hair cut for the wedding Even though she wanted me to, based on her old comment about my hair.  I told her I'm growing it out and wearing a hat anyway at the wedding.  I've not had longer hair in decades.

Based on another lady's comment here, I told her I was doing smile exercises since I've been having trouble smiling.  Makes her wonder why I'm sure.

I've told her and my parents I'm in process of having my beard removed.  I was asked if it's painful, and how long it'll take, that's about it.

One night I forgo a dinner with the family to have one with two of my electrologists.  I have 3, btw.  For some reason I've hit it off with mine and we do things socially.  They don't hang out with their other clients.  The family didnt question it.

She's not having her stuff moved in till the 4th now, and I leave overseas on the 4th for two weeks, so I might have to wait till I get back.

I think that's about it.  I'd really like to do this before my trip, but she will be living with me all Nov, so I will have opportunities after if need be.

Bari Jo