Wifes Concerns

[Izzy Grace]

I'm considering going on HRT maybe just for a couple of months. The gender therapist feels its worth trying.

My wife's biggest worry is that I will now be a straight female or completely change. She has trouble viewing the separate parts of gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, sexual attraction and romantic attraction outside of gay/straight as not necessarily influencing each other, but she is trying.

Having said that and having read a lot now, I can't make promises if there's no way to know if I will want men.

However.... I really, really dont see that happening. I experimented with male/male sexuality enough in my youth to know it just never took for me. I just dont see any repression there as I could have continued with it but I didnt want to. There were several boys in my neighborhood who were gay and the alienating thing was that I didnt fit in with anyone straight or gay. Why was I so weird?

All of these events and feelings concerning feeling more like a girl and wanting to be a girl were weird even to those kids and right around then alot of things happened revolving around those feelings and my femininity led to the bulk of my repression as I aged.

It's a whole tale, my youth, anyway...

It didnt help that in her research (in particularly MtF accounts) according to the stats we saw, at least some significant portion of people flip orientation but without any clear or predictable reason as to why.

Would I know from say 2-3 months of HRT?

[rmaddy]

Usually I put YMMV on the bottom, but I think I'll lead with it this time: 

YMMV

I doubt it.  I don't personally think HRT changes sexual orientation so much as it tends to liberate people to express appetites which had previously been suppressed.  I also don't think HRT causes substantive changes in topical thinking (i.e on ideas, concepts, preferences) until much later.  Most of the HRT euphoria reported here is actually happiness arising from embarking on a new journey.  Hormones don't really do euphoria, either in males or females.

[LizK]

.........  I don't personally think HRT changes sexual orientation so much as it tends to liberate people to express appetites which had previously been suppressed.  I also don't think HRT causes substantive changes in topical thinking (i.e on ideas, concepts, preferences) until much later.  ......

I agree, I always knew what I wanted...just not how to achieve it.

[JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

Elizabeth puts it really well. I, too, always knew I wanted to be a hetero female. I tried a lot of things to "fix" myself, including getting married to a woman... I realized that was over when the only way I could "maintain" during sex was to close my eyes & imagine I was her... I deeply regret causing her so much grief... Anyway, I think if you're actually attracted to women, specifically your wife, I don't see that changing...

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[Dena]

Flipping sexual preference happens however some estimates on the general population put bisexuality at about a third of the population. These numbers probably apply to the transgender population so that third could possibly be more comfortable switching sexual preference with gender. In addition, there are those who force ourselves into a heterosexual  relationship in an attempt to live a "normal" life.

As you have already experimented with homosexuality and discovered you weren't comfortable in that type of relationship, I would say there is a very high probability that your sexual desire is towards females and even after transitioning you will remain strongly attracted to your wife.

[ainsley]

...Would I know from say 2-3 months of HRT?...

I would say no.  Not long enough, nor is is complemented with living in the gender you identify with.  You might get inklings about what you are open to, but you would not know in a few months.  Like the others have said, I, too, felt that I knew my sexual orientation before and it has remained the same after transition.  I think that is your biggest clue, but that, too, can change.  Everyone is different and your orientation is not dictated by any clinical standard or results from a sample of trans* experiences.

[Izzy Grace]

I doubt it.  I don't personally think HRT changes sexual orientation so much as it tends to liberate people to express appetites which had previously been suppressed.  I also don't think HRT causes substantive changes in topical thinking (i.e on ideas, concepts, preferences) until much later.  Most of the HRT euphoria reported here is actually happiness arising from embarking on a new journey.  Hormones don't really do euphoria, either in males or females.

I dont either. I really asked in the sense of HRT helping lift that repression, but realize now that's all dependent on me and the work I'm doing in therapy. I expressed this exact information to her, but hats her concern, that I repressed it.

I just want to be able to put her mind at rest.

For me personally, I find the excellent manner in which you have all put this into words pretty confirming. Anythings possible psychologically though, and I'm prepared to be an authentic me whatever it may mean. Its the difference between this and something no longer sustainable that I regret ever sustaining to begin with... but... I love that part of my life and I dont want it to change and I want to be able to tell her it wont...

I have to accept this is a possibility, however remote I might think, and decide how to navigate everything.

I appreciate this, thank you.

[KathyLauren]

When I came out to my wife, she expressed the same concern: that I would suddenly be attracted to men.  I was fairly sure that wouldn't happen (I find men generally repulsive), but my answer to her was that it wouldn't matter.  I was then (and still am) attracted to women, but I have never cheated on her with other women.  If I was attracted to men, I wouldn't cheat on her with them.  I married her for the person she is.  My committment to her is firm.

[Izzy Grace]

When I came out to my wife, she expressed the same concern: that I would suddenly be attracted to men.  I was fairly sure that wouldn't happen (I find men generally repulsive), but my answer to her was that it wouldn't matter.  I was then (and still am) attracted to women, but I have never cheated on her with other women.  If I was attracted to men, I wouldn't cheat on her with them.  I married her for the person she is.  My committment to her is firm.

This is exactly how I feel. I think I should really just say whats in my heart.

God, the worst part about repression, at least how my mind went about it anyway, is the totality with which it was driven by fear and covered up so much of me that now I have to work so hard just to be and get back to being authentic. It's made worse by how I can still remember being authentic at one point so clearly. I wasn't worried about my every word and action giving me away and therefore causing me pain and possibly damage.

Sometimes I wonder if I can ever get all the way back or if some parts of me, no matter how minuscule or not seemingly so relevant,  have been completely overwritten and I will never get back. This thought really, really bothers me. That and feeling kind of like I dont know who I am anymore. Am I a stranger who never should have been?

Anyway, thats getting off subject for this thread maybe.

[Jessica]

Flipping sexual preference happens however some estimates on the general population put bisexuality at about a third of the population. These numbers probably apply to the transgender population so that third could possibly be more comfortable switching sexual preference with gender. In addition, there are those who force ourselves into a heterosexual  relationship in an attempt to live a "normal" life.

As you have already experimented with homosexuality and discovered you weren't comfortable in that type of relationship, I would say there is a very high probability that your sexual desire is towards females and even after transitioning you will remain strongly attracted to your wife.

I for years thought I must be bisexual. And I struggled with that thought.  I enjoyed being with men and women, but whenever I was with a man it didn't feel right.  It felt right to be with a man, it was the sex (which actually felt amazing).  For myself it felt wrong that he wasn't in my vagina.  After that I became convinced there was more to it all and headed down this road we all are somehow on.  So I'm not gay, I'm a woman.
Hugs, Jessica 💁

[Ajessica250]

Initially my wife was concerned that with my transitioning I was changing her sexuality. After further reflection once I started HRT my wife came to the conclusion that her and I are both bi-sexual and transitioning will not change who I am to her. I am fortunate to have such a great supporting wife, including her in the process is important. Always extend an invitation for her to join you at any Dr. appointments you may have. If you include her in all aspects of your transitioning, you will never find a better friend to go through this journey with.

[Izzy Grace]

I for years thought I must be bisexual. And I struggled with that thought.  I enjoyed being with men and women, but whenever I was with a man it didn't feel right.  It felt right to be with a man, it was the sex (which actually felt amazing).  For myself it felt wrong that he wasn't in my vagina.  After that I became convinced there was more to it all and headed down this road we all are somehow on.  So I'm not gay, I'm a woman.
Hugs, Jessica 💁

Whoa, I never thought of it like that. I saw my therapist today and there is no stopping this train so, we're just going to have to see what comes from this eventually

Initially my wife was concerned that with my transitioning I was changing her sexuality. After further reflection once I started HRT my wife came to the conclusion that her and I are both bi-sexual and transitioning will not change who I am to her. I am fortunate to have such a great supporting wife, including her in the process is important. Always extend an invitation for her to join you at any Dr. appointments you may have. If you include her in all aspects of your transitioning, you will never find a better friend to go through this journey with.

Indeed! I told her that she was welcome in everything and so far its everything. She wants to be there and I am happy to have her and I told her I would delay HRT if she's feeling uncomfortable and needs more time to wrap her head around it.

My therapist made a face when I told her some places need a letter. She told me to try as many things as I can, its the only way I will know who I am and I told her the little bit under my picture about not knowing who I am until I stop being who I am not and she said she thought that was just fine.