Transgender Orientation meeting, excited and scared

[VaxSpyder]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting.

Three months ago transitioning seemed like an impossible dream that would never be realized.  Tomorrow I am going to a group "Transgender Orientation" meeting to learn about Kaiser Permanente's transgender services program - what they offer, the process, etc. I'm very excited because it's another step.

But I'm also very nervous and self conscious because I still look 100% male and I can't go in female clothes because I'm going directly from work. 

My biggest fear is that I'll be told I'm not really transgender because I don't fit the classic narrative.  But I guses a lot of others have been so deep in the closer that it's hard breaking male habits right?

I know I want to be a woman.  I know I will be happier and more fully alive as a woman.  I'm just scared that I don't have the courage or patience or perserverence to see it through.

Anyone else have similar feelings or exoeriences?

[Christy Lee]

Good Luck

[gwencook]

Hey,
Welcome to Susan's hope you enjoy your time here.
Firstly, congrats on getting to that next step, im really happy for you. I'll be honest i sort of have the same worry for when i go about my first appointment for starting hrt (hopefully end of next month). All I can say is that from reading posts from other users, I dont think it will be a problem. 1) transgender is a massive spectrum and everyone is at completely different points, and 2) i have seen many users mentioning about how they need to have meeting with people in HR in order to let them know about developments.
All i can really say in my opinion is dont worry about it, from how youve described its only a meeting and not the actual start of hormones yet (not fully sure if this is true) but either way youll be fine and just embrace who you are
Good luck,
Much love

[VaxSpyder]

Hi thanks for replying Gwen.

I guess I'm not really ready to start hormones.  Everything is happening really fast and I need to be as certain as I can that I'm making the right decision.  But I don't know I guess I'm afraid if I say I want to wait it will be taken as a sign if doubt and proof that I'm not really transgender.  Or maybe this is a problem I'm just cooking up in my own head.  I know this - if I could snap my fingers and become a woman, I would.  I'm just scared because I have a long history of choosing a life goal for myself and then giving up at the first obstacle.

[gwencook]

if I could snap my fingers and become a woman, I would. This is very same thing i said to my therapist in the very first session. My therapist said for me to close my eyes and focus on my breathing for a few minutes and the very first answer that pops into my head say it. She then asked "if i could grant you one wish what would it be?" and my instant response was "to become a woman". At the time I had come out to a very few trusted friends and i went to the meeting presenting as male and because im also working and trying to hide i hadn't shaved for about two weeks (hated it but it was for my safety). The only thing that could have even hinted at me being female was that my hair was a bit longer then a males would be but even then it wasnt by much.
With waiting for hormones until your ready id highly agree. Think of it this way, if it helps, the group (or individual - im not overly sure which your implying) is truly there to help transgender people in any way they will be accepting of your decisions. You cant force someone to do or be something that they are not and to do otherwise would be extremely bad and id recommend not going back to them if that happens.
In regards to giving up at the first obstacle, there can be a lot of driving forces as to why you chose to give up. Obviously, i dont know your personality, life choices, or circumstances but as a psychologist and human just remember: we are not defined by our past!! just because you may have given up previously doesnt mean you will again.
Much love

[AlexisH590]

Congrats! Any new steps are scary, but I'm sure it will be great! You've got this, girl!!!

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[VaxSpyder]

I read so many personal stories about women and men who are deeply distressed to have been born in the wring gender.  I don't feel this way.  I don't HATE being male but I hate NOT being female.  Does that make sense?  I'm obsessed with the fear that the person saying yea or nay won't understand the distinction.

[VaxSpyder]

Ps: Hello Alexis and thank you.

[Toni]

I think you'll find the meeting more informational than anything, they just want to meet you and tell you about what they can offer under your insurance plan. They likely won't deny you or approve much of anything at this point. You have a long way to go and plenty of discussions with professionals that will help you choose the correct path for you before anything big will happen.  They won't judge you at all at this meeting, go in any guise that you choose, because they know you're just starting out and most all of us start at the beginning.  Go find out what you can, and be glad you have someone that will help, financially, because there are a lot that don't have that luxury.  Toni

[DawnOday]

I am currently under treatment by Kaiser. Don't worry about not dressing for the meeting it's not important. Here is what service they have given me. I went to see a gender therapist and by the third meeting I got my letter for continuing gender services. At that point they assigned a social worker to help with referrals, changing ID. I was assigned a gender issue knowledgeable, physician. I was assigned a Speech Therapist and culture coach, whom I just love. I get my labs. I have been offered an orchiectomy. Michelle_P can tell you about the surgeries as she is currently undergoing GRS. Beyond Kaiser there are support groups. Here in Seattle, Ingersoll Gender Center has operated for over 40 years and they have programs on Wednesday and Saturday. When I started I didn't know any other transgendered people until I met Chris just before starting HRT. The support groups help in assimilating, as you will discover people with the same issues as you. This is especially important if you have spent any time wondering if you are all alone

[rmaddy]

My biggest fear is that I'll be told I'm not really transgender because I don't fit the classic narrative.  But I guses a lot of others have been so deep in the closer that it's hard breaking male habits right?

What classic narrative?  No two snowflakes are alike.  You're going to do fine.  The whole point of the program is to figure out who you are and how to meet your needs.

[tgirlamg]

Vax!!!!

Welcome aboard and fear not... you are exactly where you should be in the process... asking questions and moving towards answers...exercise complete honesty with yourself and the direction you need to go in your life will reveal itself... enjoy exploring things with the group and please make use of the vast experience here on the forum as you see fit... we are here to help!

All will be well

Onward we go!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

PS... You may want to read the description here of group 3 individuals... Just more food for thought...

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

[Laurie]

Hi Vax,

I'm Laurie. I'm not sure if I have said hi to you before or not so I just did, just in case. Not trans or not trans enough... hmmm Where have I heard that before. I know I thought it around a year ago as I went to an initial mental health meeting to see if I was sane enough or at least not homicidal before being referred to my gender therapist. The appointment with him was also another cause of angst for me. By then two medical professionals had agreed with me that I was indeed trans. My GP, the first shrink that did the assessment, and then my gender therapist all think so and wow so do I. Funny how that works.
  There is sort of an axiom around here that if you are questioning your gender you are likely transgender. Why? Because a cis person never questions their gender. It never enters their mind to think about if they are a different gender because they just know, it's a given, a fact.
  If you are not sure yourself  then you will be figuring that out with a gender therapist. That's one of the things they are good for..helping us with our gender issue and then some if necessary.
  Go to the meeting and learn what they can do for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Jessica]

The first group meeting at the transgender center in Oakland with Kaiser, I went in guy mode.  It was no problem.  The were some dressed as I was and others dressed as women.  If you know you should be there , even just to find out information, own it.  Be who you are at the moment.  Dress how your comfortable.  At my center there is a gender free dressing area that you can change in.

Good luck! Jess

[CarlyMcx]

Kaiser gender orientation is nothing to worry about.  I've been with Kaiser in Southern California for two years and I can assure you that it is a totally friendly and accepting environment.

Orientation is like a class where you will be taught how the gender transition process works at Kaiser.  No one there will judge you or evaluate you.

After orientation, you will be assigned an individual therapist and a support group.

But don't worry about being told you are not trans.  That won't happen.

And don't worry about being dressed male and announcing a female name and pronouns.  It happens all the time at Kaiser and is never a problem.

And if you really want to present female at Kaiser, just bring a gym bag and make the change in one of the all gender restrooms.  I've done that before.  One time I even made the change in group.  I stripped off a business suit, was wearing leggings and a body con tank underneath.  Pulled on a skirt, changed shoes, put on a blouse and done.

Don't worry.  All will be fine.

[Roll]

I read so many personal stories about women and men who are deeply distressed to have been born in the wring gender.  I don't feel this way.  I don't HATE being male but I hate NOT being female.  Does that make sense?  I'm obsessed with the fear that the person saying yea or nay won't understand the distinction.

Oh sweetie, that is one of the most common narratives on this site. I never "hated" being male and didn't have extreme dysphoria I recognized. It is about feeling that I want to be and will be happier as female. Unfortunately, a lot of us have been somewhat misled by media depictions in reality TV or the more sensational stories. But think about it from a logic perspective: You don't have to hate being a guy to really be a girl, anymore than you have to hate spaghetti to really want pizza.

[VaxSpyder]

Hi everyone, thank you for the reassurance and support.  I feel truly grateful to be in a place that is so encouraging.

I went to my orientation meeting and like Carly said it was no big deal.  I went in generic male clothing but I actually found myself speaking and acting more feminine than I normally feel comfortable with because I knew it was a safe place.

Now I wait for my "gender assessment" before starting the real work but I want to start going to support groups as soon as I can.

Roll I really like what you said about being misled by media depictions because I agree that people often lump as trans people together with good intentions but can lead to feelings of isolation for individuals.

[lexxy]

Thats great to hear! So glad it went well. I was curious to learn how it went first hand so thanks for the update.

[DawnOday]

Whoopie.  You're on your way. The first step is the hardest. It gets lots easier from here. It's like an adventure you  never want to end. You can hardly wait to see what's around the next bend.  Oh yeah, one of the first things they asked me was what name I want to go under. It is now on my chart and everyone knows me as Dawn. She Her