It seems like a bit of a silly question, but it's what I'm asking myself constantly, because the place I'm at in my life, regarding how I feel about transitioning, versus how my partner views it, and my friends... it's completely different, and not in a way you would expect.
I told all my friends today that I want to be stealth right now and not disclose being trans to anyone else. My partner, of course, wanted to know why I feel this way.
I've been looking at what I'm going through like it's some awful disease and, like cancer, or something terrible like that, I just don't want to unload it on people because I think that it's private. I am deathly afraid of being harassed and attacked for it. I don't want to seem like I'm in anyone's face. I just want to go about my life and blend into the woodwork.
My partner sees things differently, though. She believes very strongly in being open about who you are. She's open about her sexuality, our sex life, her past... she is fearless and doesn't care what anyone thinks. She's the opposite of everything I am and that is what draws me to her. I feel like I have to apologize for existing. And it's not just the trans thing... it's everything. I truly want to love everyone and hurt no one, so I'm very harsh towards myself and have very high standards.
I'm not as religious now as I used to be, but the morals that I learned from the Bible have stuck. The Beatitudes and how you're expected to love and treat others... those are beautiful messages that I want to spread. But I'm not perfect. I mess up. I have little tiny holes in my memory and forget things, constantly. Today I lost my car keys and had zero idea where I left them. I searched my entire college campus and had a meltdown because my stupid memory failed me again and I wasn't going to be able to drive myself to the doctor... and my key for work was on that same key ring, so I had to pay work for that... and my parents would have to help me pay to have a new key made and... I beat myself up over it... literally. I'm sure I must have looked crazy, the way I was frantically running around campus and tearing at my hair and hitting my thighs and spewing cuss words at myself...
This has nothing to do with my being trans, but it says something about my personality and why I would feel like I need to alter my narrative so as to appease others. I'm afraid of conservatives, I'm afraid of being mistreated, so I am willing to change how I view myself so that they'll feel better about me. I'll call myself a eunuch, and I'll say nothing about my past.
But my partner, my friends, even my dad, tell a different story. My partner disagrees that my body is male. She doesn't think that my chest is boyish, or that my brow is masculine, or that my genitalia is repulsive and doesn't belong. She doesn't think I have a disease. She has never had a doubt in her mind since I began going through this process that I was female. To her this process has been like forging a sculpture out of marble: the female was in there, just under a lot of other stuff. Even my one religious friend, who is uncomfortable using my pronouns, doesn't see me as being truly male. Even she senses a female presence in some way when I am around.
Yet I still feel this guilt and this anger towards myself and I am afraid to embrace that narrative again. I don't want to be hated because it doesn't make sense that someone would hate me, even though I would never hate them back. It makes no sense for someone like me to do everything in her power to do right by others and bring light into the world and show compassion and love and still be shot down because her past is unconventional. It is heartbreaking to no end.
Everyone on this site seems so proud to be who they are, regardless of their ability to pass or not and I just want to scuttle off into the shadows.
Why is it so hard to see myself the way my loved ones see me?
