Hi everyone,
I'm a 25 years old man and I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 10 for depression, suicidal toughts and attempts and self-mutilation. A few year ago, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I manage functioning in life with help of anti-psychotics and occasional alcohol abuse.
In my last session with my psychiatrist, I kinda told him out of the blue that I was considering transitioning to a woman. He was surprised at first (I never told him anything about it before) but seemed to actually think that it was an interesting idea and he seemed to believe that some of my psychological distress might come from there. He told me to seriously think before deciding to start the process of hormone replacement therapy.
So here I am, thinking about it. The thing is, my story isn't the typical transgender story of a boy who felt since childhood that he was born in the wrong body. It's much more complicated and ambivalent than that (on the other hand, when is it really simple ?) and I was hoping some of you here could tell me if they relate to my story and help me decide if this life changing decision is the right one.
I don't recall having much distress as a child about my native gender. I don't think I expressed the need to wear women clothes as a kid or things like that. On the other hand, I don't remember much about my childhood as I've blocked most of it away after my first depression episode. I remember being bullied a lot at school and some of it certainly was about not fitting it as a boy. I wasn't much into sport, was terrorized about fighting back when the other boys were hitting me and I've always felt closer to girl. On the other hand, I was deeply passionate about video games and liked playing with typical boy toys such as action men, army helicopters etc. Even today, I can't really relate to other males. I feel like at the end, all male talk really ends up about sports, cars and girls, the two first subject being incredibly boring to me and I really don't feel confortable talking about women as objects so that's that.
Now, diging a little deeper, I recall expressing some transgender typical traits that I had shoved with the rest deep into my memory. When I was about 12, I did from time to time put on my sister's clothes. I did not know why i did it (I'm still not sure why) and I was deeply ashamed of it, which explains why I'd forgotten about it until recently. I also recall that at a certain age, I got really fat and at some level, it made me happy to fantasize that I was getting women boobs. Playing with my sister, I also liked impersonating female characters in our games. But it's really in online role playing games that I liked most impersonating women. I liked the way that it changed how other people would talk to me, I could have deep conversations with guy about their feelings and stuff.
Clearly, I don't think I have ever identified as a women in the wrong body, but I've felt since I was about 15 like a boy who really wanted to be a women and have tought lots of times about killing myself because, really, what point is there to live If I never can be what I want to be. I'm also really emotional and empathic to the point that it's embarrassing. I can often feel a big urge to cry because someone is sad on the TV or because of people fighting around me, but it's difficult to separate this from my bipolar disorder that also comes with mood swings.
When it comes to sexual orientation, here's another nugget of confusion. There are women I'm attracted to, and there are women that I find really beautyfull and I'd would like to look like them instead of having sex with them. There are also often guys that I find attractive and charming, but in a weird way, I don't really feel any sexual urge towards them, and gay porn has never aroused me. I did have sex with a boy when I was 18, but it never felt the same as having sex with girls. It was interesting, at most. I really feel like I could be attracted to men, but only if I were a woman. I know that's cliché and some would say that I'm a gay or bi man trying to fool himself but I really think it's not the case. I know some people's sexual orientation change when on hormones and most don't, so I'm not sure what to expect about it.
So, about a few months ago, I've started thinking about transitioning. Why not before? Well, I'm quite ashamed to say how little I knew about the process. I tought that transwomen were basically such as depicted in satiric TV shows, men with breast implants and lots of makeup that live their whole life as monsters and social parias, and I was convinced that I'd rather be unhappy my whole life or kill myself than this. One day, I read about Sasha Hostyn, a transgender professional gamer and was amazed looking at her. I tought she was beautiful and would have never suspected meeting her that she used to be a guy. So I started reading about the subject, watching youtube transwomen and learning about the whole process of hormone therapy, how it reshapes your body in a feminine way and for the first time in my life, I really considered that it might be a step to a happier life. I also bought some makeup and nail polish just to try it (I've also been living alone for the first time in my life for a while so I don't have to be afraid about someone stepping onto me) and found that seeing a more feminine version of myself makes me feel better and less repugnant (I've always hated looking at myself in the mirror).
So, here I am now, with a lot of questions, wandering if transitioning is something I have to do or if it would be a huge mistake. Some days, I feel like I absolutely need to do it and can't wait to start HRT. It makes me feel more optimistic about the future (as opposed to the suicidal toughts I usually have). I've also started growing my hair and lost a lot of weight to get closer to a women's body mass. Other days, I tell myself that I'm just delusional, that I'd never could pass as a decent girl and that suicide would really be my only choice if things go wrong. Those are also the joy of being bipolar and it's really hard to separate sensible life decisions from those induced by humor fluctuations.
Of course, I also have the same fears as most men considering transition. I don't have a very masculine face but it's not as feminine as it used to be until I got 18. I'm pretty big and although I have tiny women hands, I also have ridiculously large feet. What would my coworkers think, my family. What about the voice? I'm a trained singer with a large vocal range, so I believe it wouldn't be too hard to obtain a more feminine voice, but on the other hand I probably wouldn't be able to sing on stage anymore. And most importantly, how do you learn to act and live as a women when you've been a guy for 25 years.
So, I hope I didn't bore you to death with my story (I didn't realize it would be that long). I also hope I won't offend anyone if you believe that my confusion is the result of my bipolar brain just not knowing what's right for me. I was just wondering if people here have had the same kind of experience, and if transition ended up being the right choice for them.
I thank in advance anyone having the courage to read through all of this and hope i havn't made too much mistakes as english is not my native language.
