Advice for my daughter

[Kailuamom]

Hi ladies -

My daughter I will be 18 in December. And I have a few areas she really needs advise of those who have gone before her - so thank you in advance!

She started HRT in June. She's just starting to get breast tissue and I need to get your advise about bras. First, let me say, she's not a particularly girly girl, so she's not all that into overly feminine lingered (haha, she's my girl, I'm not either) and isn't interested in prosthetics. She's also big, with a barrel chest - what would you suggest for beginner bras? She won't fit typical woman sizes and plus sizes that would fit her chest would have way too big a cup size.

I'd like to help her with her legal issues before she turns 18, so I can do some parts for her (paperwork and self advocacy are not sting suits) she's trying to pick a legal name, and keeps going toward an androgynous name for safety's sake. She doesn't want to get beat up by outing herself as trans by using a feminine name before she passes 100%. I have to say, that she gets appropriately gendered about 1/2 the time even when she hasn't shaved in a week (and she has big stubble). She's very depressed and shaving makes her dysphoric, so she doesn't want to have to shave to leave the house. She currently has a name that can be male or female, so I think she should change her name to a name that is female but can be shortened to be androgynous - so once she's full time, she can use a feminine name and her name will give a gender clue for people. What do you think - or should I encourage her to wait.

As a grown up with credit and job history, I'd like her to build that stuff with a feminine name so in 15 years, she won't be outed by her credit history.

Also - laser hair removal was painful for her, so she quit. She seriously needs to do removal if shaving makes her depressed. I'm paying for it for now, but I won't be there forever. What are your thoughts?

She's really beautiful - I feel so bad that all of the girl training moms give their girls was missed, so I'm trying to give it all at once - which may not be fabulous.

[Roll]

I am at the beginning of everything myself so unfortunately have no real advice to offer, but I just very much wanted to say that you are amazing for supporting your daughter like that!

[Megan.]

Firstly,  it sounds like your daughter has a wonderful mum,  so thank you!
I don't know where you live,  but these are my daily wear:

http://www.marksandspencer.com/padded-full-cup-t-shirt-bra/p/p60086594?prevPage=plp&pdpredirect

They are quite plain,  smooth under t-shirts,  and seriously comfortable,  I love them!

I'm 4 months on HRT,  wear a 40B, and just about fill it with a pair of small 'fillets'. I feel it gives me a good shape without being too booby.

On the hair removal,  it's not fun[emoji853]. There are options for pain relief and numbing,  again these vary on where you are, and the recommendation of the person doing the removal. There is quite a bit of good advice already on the site if you a search around.

Megan. X

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[Lady Lisandra]

She could try a sports bra. They'll definitely fit her chest and breasts as they develope. If you want a more regular bra, buy the smalles ones and add a bra extension to it. That way works for me and I also have a huge chest.

About hair removal, I don't think there's a permanent/semi permanent that doesn't involve pain.... She'll have to put up with it.

[KathyLauren]

Good for you for supporting your daughter!

If she is still presenting as male, I would recommend an unpadded sports bra.  It can be concealed under an undershirt, but still protects the tender developing tissue.

If she finds shaving dysphoric then she needs to start on facial hair removal as soon as possible.  Yes, laser is painful, but the alternative, electrolysis, is worse.  Did she use any form of pain management when she tried laser?  I definitely recommend not trying to do it "cold turkey"!  My beard is mostly white, so laser is of limited use to me: I am stuck with electrolysis.

For a legal name, she should choose one that she likes, whether it can be androgynous or not.  It is something that she will likely have for her entire life.  She can continue to use her old name informally even if her legal name has been changed.  Alternatively, she can use her new name informally even if it has not yet been changed.  In most places, a person can use any name they choose, without any paperwork, as long as it is not for fraudulent purposes.

[Jailyn]

Well, what a good mom!!!!! I am in agreeance with Ms. Lisandra. I am barrel chested as well like you describe. I wear a 40-42 band size and all they cups assume you have huge breasts to be having that large of a band. I have found a few that don't fit the mold, but I have to go down in band size and larger cups. I am relying on sports bras myself that ae a little more loose so not the tight workout ones. As for hair removal laser or electrolysis is the best and permanent ways to get rid of it. I am doing laser myself and can understand the pain not being bearable. Now I have heard you can take ibuprofen or acetaminophen for the pain before had and it helps from others I have talked to. I don't do this myself because I have a high pain threshold as long as I am not sick or seeing my blood (lol).

As for the name it needs to be something she likes and wants for herself. She can go androgynous or not. As long as she is comfortable and happy with it, then roll with it. If this is the name she is to live with the rest of her life, it has to be her choice. You can always give your motherly advice and well she will do with as she see's fit. I don't think she needs to leave the overly feminine names off the table just because of the "passibility" factor. She needs not to stress about passing or not, this makes our expectations as transgenders very high. Initially starting transition you don't need to stress about it at first, be patient and keep supporting her!!! Good luck!!!!

[Allie24]

Omg I wish my mom was like you I did all this stuff by myself.

Idk how wide your daughter's upper torso region is... if you're not sure if her bandwidth will be available in stores you can always look into custom bras which I'm sure can be bought somewhere.

Your safest bet is going a cupsize down from your size and then pairing that with the proper bandwidth whatever that may be.

And as far as her face goes, maybe she could try waxing (if she can stand the pain of THAT) or epillating (also painful I hear).

Honestly, she may just have to deal with the fact that unless she can do either of those or laser, shaving is her only option. If it helps, though, she can use a leg razor and no cream (just as long as she moisturizes after). I used to be dysphoric about shaving myself, but that went away with time as I started to pass 100% of the time.

(I transitioned at 20, so I understand a little bit of where she's at).

You're awesome though! She's lucky to have you supporting her!

[Kailuamom]

Thanks so much for the kind words and advice.  I hadn't heard of extenders before. I don't want a sports bra that will squish them 😄, so good to know they have other types. Never thought of custom - do they cost big $$?

What she says about the name is that she is worried about safety. I'm super supportive of doing what you want forever and not limiting yourself due to fears (I don't care about androgynous- I'm just worried she won't like the name as an adult.) But, I get the fear and want to honor where she is.

[Megan.]

Is there a feminine name with an androgynous shortened version  that she could use?

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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I saw you moving around the site a week or two ago but you only had one post and it was so long ago. Now that you are here, for bras, I would suggest looking at Hanes as they have different brands and they stock some pretty large sizes. I have been buying form them from before the internet was around and it's a good place to shop for undergarments.

Hair removal is painful however I had electrolysis (around 200 hours) without pain medication and I would concentrate on something to distract myself from what was going on. Today, people use over the counter medication as well as some prescription medication to help deal with the pain. You might look at Hair Removal and see what some of the others recommend.

I think name changes should be made when you have a name you really like. It's a hassle doing it so it's best to do it only once. The big problem will be the gender marker as in some locations it can't be altered without surgery. The work involved in altering the gender marker is almost as much as changing your name and that's a good reason to do both at once if you can.

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[Lady Lisandra]

What she says about the name is that she is worried about safety. I'm super supportive of doing what you want forever and not limiting yourself due to fears (I don't care about androgynous- I'm just worried she won't like the name as an adult.) But, I get the fear and want to honor where she is.

Choosing your own name is a big responsability. But, remember that a los of people hate their name.

Also, I buy my bra extensions at notion stores. They have several types, so bring the bra with you so you get the correct one.

[Kailuamom]

Thanks for the info about Hanes - I will look into them (I have some Hanes bras). I have actually been lurking here since she came out 6/2017, so have done lots of reading on the site. I am now ready to ask for help from real people, so thank you 🙏🏼  With respect to the hair removal, I think I'm asking more about the dysphoria impact of making change and how people handled it.

My girl is super shy, so isn't out meeting other trans girls irl, especially women who are further along. I'm thrilled for a place to go to get a sense of experience and personal stories.

Funny you should mention the gender marker - that's actually my biggest concern. I want to do that now before our current politics change things. As you said best to do both at once. I don't want to be pushy, but I can't stand the idea of the government suddenly throwing obstacles that don't exist now. We have all of the paperwork from her doctors, so I'd feel better if we were in process.

That said, this is her journey. I'm just here to help.

[tgchar21]

If the name she's planning on changing it to is what she'd truly like to live with for the rest of her life, I say at her age change it ASAP. Like you suggested it will ensure that all of her credit history, etc. would be under the right-gender name and make it less likely that she'd need to out herself later on when doing a credit or background check.

The point about waiting to do it at the same time as the gender marker if she can't change that right now - If this was for someone transitioning well into adulthood (when there would not really be any benefits of easier stealth down the line by changing the name sooner) I'd suggest the same, but at her age I think it's more important to keep her birth name off of as many "adult" records as possible than to save the hassle of doing the gender marker change separately (and most of those reports do not list gender specifically).

If she's in doubt of the chosen name, then I would suggest waiting until a "final" decision has been made.

[Dena]

If I have it correct, there are only three states where you can't alter the gender marker on your birth certificate. As this is something determined at the state level, federal law isn't going to alter this and I doubt that they would if they could. This has been true as far back as when I had my surgery 35 years go. Some states allow you to alter your gender marker before surgery however I had to do it after surgery.

As for your girl, she is welcome to join the site. We have a few active poster near her age and age isn't much of a restriction here. If you feel you have something to say, join in the conversation regardless of your age. I give advice to those who are much younger than me and I learn about the new procedures from those who are much younger than me. As I am near the upper end of the age range on the site, the older members are at the most 10 years older than me so our experiences are pretty much the same.

When I saw you on the site, from your name I suspected you were an SO. I checked your join date and your posting history but there wasn't enough information for me to confirm that you were a SO. When your thread turned up today, I was definitely interested in checking it out.

The newer members often talk about their dysphoria and how they deal with it. I haven't felt it for many years and I only post about it when the information is useful to a site member. I feel this site is for them and I am only here to make their life better. To reach that goal, I provide anything I can if it will help them.

[Kailuamom]

We live in California where she can change her gender marker prior to any surgery. Based on the federal political environment, I am worried that the Feds could "define" how and when someone can change their marker, and can imagine they may not be as liberal in interpretation as CA. 

We have talked about changing her name to the gender neutral nickname she uses now, which she would likely want to change from, but having this on record won't out her.

I hope she will live in a world where that won't matter. But, just for today, I need to protect her based on today's reality.

[Dena]

It can be more complex than that. I was born in Wisconsin, transitioned in California but now live in Arizona. I needed to see a judge in Arizona and then send the correct paper work to Wisconsin. Fortunately Wisconsin was easy to deal with once I had the right paper work but untangling the difference in laws between the two states was a bit messy. In the end, I needed the judge to fill out Wisconsin's form and then I mailed it back to Wisconsin. I changed both name and gender at the same time but I would have to repeat this procedure if I were to do them separately. Fortunately I think California has some of the easer laws on this point but when I was in California there was a publish requirement for name changes.

[DawnOday]

Also - laser hair removal was painful for her, so she quit. She seriously needs to do removal if shaving makes her depressed. I'm paying for it for now, but I won't be there forever. What are your thoughts?

Have your doctor get you a prescription for 2.5% lidocaine and 2.5% prilocaine or EMLA. put it on in multiple layers and then cover with saran wrap about an hour - hour 1/2 before the appointment. Leave the wrap on to keep in moist.  This should make it a lot less painful. Luckily unless she has dark hair the Laser will do the job but will have to be maintained. Electrology is harder, takes larger, it is one hair at a time but it kills the hair.