Finally Here.

[Alexa Ares]

Hello everyone.
Finally I have come to a point of self recognition and am Working towards full self acceptance that I am What I am,  a Transgender woman.

I have browsed this site for over 3 years, looking for answers as to why I am how I am. After recognition, why I am Trans isn't really that important.
What matters more is what I do now.

I'm writing this so I can feel part of something. I am actually a private person. I built a outward persona of being a arrogant male so to cope with life better. Im sure some of you can relate.

What would be nice for me, is to talk to people like myself. A therapist can't do that.

I am 37, 4 children and have a lovely wife who is surprisingly supportive. It is early days for us. We want to work as a couple.

I am attracted to both women and men. I have had lots of interactions with other transwomen before coming to see who I am.

I want to be a good transwoman and not selfish and vain.
It is hard, as the discomfort of how I look and how society sees me.
I am basically very male, and muscular. I am OK with muscle. As part of coming to accept myself is that not everything I have done for the last 37 years is a construct.  There are some very good things in my life and going to the gym is one of them.
My face though...screams male.
How do some of you cope with this aspect,  Ie looking in the mirror at the face and seeing the man that contradicts who you really are?

Some accounts of life from trans women who are married to women would be grest to hear. Good or bad I would like to hear people's experiences.

I have so much to learn.
Already my wife has had to point out that I need to let go of some of my Male privilege as I am not Male. Coming to accept that has consequences.

For me, it came to accept myself or kill myself, slowly or rapidly. I do not choose to be trans however I do choose now to try to be a good transwoman who can be a decent husband and parent while not neglecting my own needs.

Thanks for reading all this.

Alexa.

[Kendra]

Hello Alexa, welcome to Susan's!

You are very perceptive, and so fortunate to have an understanding wife and a stable family. 

I am MtF, also in the process of learning but one thing I have realized is - although physical appearance is a factor it isn't as important as I had previously assumed.  Voice and mannerisms are also important in interacting with others and require time and practice to develop.  There is the gender spectrum for all these factors that make up our identity and presentation.  I'm glad it's a spectrum - that helps let us merge into our destination instead of having to make a radical shift all at once.

I didn't see a gender therapist until this summer and wish I had much earlier - doing so would have answered questions I didn't even know I had.  One thing I did do early was tackle facial stubble with full-on electrolysis, very glad I did that.  I initially thought it was just to avoid shaving but beard removal did so much more for me, as every thick hair root is a little crater with stuff inside.  After a couple hundred hours my skin is so much smoother, lighter and feels like it was supposed to all along.

As a new member I'll add information we provide to help with navigation and guidelines - here it is:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Alexa, great to see you finally joined Susan's.  See you around!

Kendra

[V M]

Hi Alexa 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Alexa Ares]

Hello Kendra and V M, thanks for the messages.

I know I have a long road ahead of me. Being Trans is not a easy path in life. I am sure given time, I will see alot of upsides to the person I really am - it is just a process.

What is difficult is the idea of where am I headed. I love my wife, we have a very good sex life, and I love being in my childrens life full time. My wife had to give up some things in life to even be with me in the first place. Shes an amazing woman.

What I can see causing a major issue is the desire on my part to live authentically. Ie as a out to the world full time trans woman. My Wife says she will always need to see her husband, and I need to see woman, when I look in the mirror.
I cannot honestly say what will be enough in terms of physical and presentation changes. As you rightly say Kendra, voice and mannerisms, are very important. It is easy for non trans people to say a voice is not genuine, but While understanding this to a point, I feel my current voice dosent represent ME, and the idea of having it forever more is not comfortable for me.
Right now, she IS supportive of hair removal and given my dark hair / fair skin, I am starting on laser with a view to do what it can ahead of Electrolysis.....I do have a strong beard, so its not going to go anywhere fast unless Im really lucky.
She also supports some Lipo, and possibly a hair transplant (minimal hair loss but some none the less).
I would like lipo and fat transfer, (I have love handles even when very lean) to get more hips and bum.
My Wife is a curvy bombshell, and while I would not aspire to be as voluptous as her, I would like more of the curves than I have right now....

I am 160 lbs at 5ft 5.5in and muscular, I would love to have a more feminine body shape if possible, yet I know hormones, will be a big issue for my Wife, and for me would mean to let go of something big, in terms of physical strength - while I am uncomfortable with the testosterone levels , I also see how it creates a shield to the world, and I live in a rough part of a Big City, and the need to appear physical FEELs real to me.  And the need to protect my children, and the fear of losing my Wife romantically.

Basically, as with some other Trans Women, who did not want to accept who they are, I have built a life where to be Trans is going to be hard. There are some upsides, as my children, I love them, and my wife is great too.
However, there is that part of me, that feels, I will never really be able to be myself to the fullest. - I feel this thought is selfish, yet I have it alot.

Advice?
Experiences?

[Kendra]

I think sometimes the best decision is to not decide.  The reason I say this one thing with transition may lead to another detail or decision, and trying to bunch up all decisions at once might not be the best.

My therapist asked at our first meeting if had decided on GRS.  I answered no, I wanted to see how HRT might change my perception and physical characteristics.  I think being undecided at the time was a good decision.  After three months on HRT, now I'm certain and have an evaluation for GRS in Arizona November 1 with Dr. Ley.

Two years earlier when I was starting electrolysis I had decided against HRT.  If I could roll the clock back I should have been undecided instead of deciding no at the time.  My earlier decision set me back as I stopped weighing the advantages and disadvantages of HRT - I didn't change my mind until my own situation became pretty obvious.

I think you have already made the most important overall decision but are now faced with important details.  I have been learning to avoid the pressure of deciding everything at once.  The best road trips involve a few detours and adjustments, all fine if you get to the destination you choose.

[Alexa Ares]

Hi Kendra

I appreciate the advice. I agree it's best to not set anything in stone right now. I remember reading Renee Recession saying she was always looking for the least she could do to feel okay. I can relate to that in terms of a goal.
I do feel there will be a need for significant physical change, time will tell on this. I've been seeing a counsellor for a while And discuss myself fairly openly with my wife.

What's hard for me is to balance my needs with those of my wife's.  She needs to be okay with my changes for our marriage to work, And I would feel losing my wife so to be myself is a tough tough blow.... And could tip me over to being self destructive in a major way.

I want to express my femininity,  I need to do so. I also need to make everything okay with my wife, and transition in terms of work.  My present career is hypermasculine so I will have to find something else to do which is Likely to be less lucrative.

There is clearly a price to being authentic. I would think, TS with stories like myself are not everyone's cup of tea, as I don't have the most positive things to say about how I see life will be, just I need to be the best person I can be given my authentic self.

I sure did make it hard for myself to come out and created a messy situation. Such Is life!
Apparently I am a tough person according to my wife and this is not a bad thing per se.

Thanks for the support.