Hey Tasha,
My story is maybe a little different than most. I think that most people thought that I was a straight male before transition. Could be they were mistaken. I didn't date at all until after 16 and by that time I had already gone through so much grief about my gender ( institutionalized, "therapy" you are a boy, get over it ) that I was fully prepared to be whatever they wanted me to be. I hated myself and the world. There were all of these hormones in my ridiculous teenage body however and something had to be done. At first it was, if not easy, at least not too difficult to be with girls. By the time that I was 18 hormones just were not enough anymore. Feeling like I was a girl or wanting to be a girl was not the same as wanting to be with one. I actually began to resent them. Not because they were female and I was not, though I did cry myself to sleep over that a time or two, but because they couldn't let it just be friends. By then I knew the male rules but I never understood at all why boys WANTED to do the things they did. It was so nice to be with people who I understood and who understood me, but they could never leave it alone, had to have more. At 18 though I knew that no matter how horny I got, it was not going to end well. I was so mean to them. The self hatred, frustration, and then being pushed into it. I said the most awful things. So I resented them, hated myself and in 1989 at the age of 19 I joined the army.
I never let myself be attracted to men but there were some times when I didn't consult myself and before I knew it I was thinking thoughts about them that I knew my grandma would NOT approve of. So I would drink my self hatred down to manageable and try to move on. Any women were just to keep everyone thinking that I was normal, again I was not nice. If there is a purgatory I am going to have a ton of brutal comments to answer for.
By the mid 90's intimate relationships were just something that I knew for me were not possible. I was back in the US, out of the army and dying inside. By that time normal was was just an impossible dream and I prayed every night to let me wake up a girl or let it end. Out of nowhere God threw me a bone, I met my best friend. So easy to be with and she didn't push. It took a while to try for intimacy and it wasn't easy and didn't always work out but she was patient. I had found my lifeline, my chance at normal. We were together for many years and are still best friends it had gotten to the point where I could not in any way be what she needed sexually though.
Now? Well, I have no male friends really, except my boyfriend. It surprised me how easy it was to let them go. Or maybe just being myself, things just naturally went to where they should have been all along. There is no animosity between us, just an acceptance that we are different. That and some them learning that just because I happen to like men does NOT mean I want to orally service my "buddies". Sheesh!
My circle of female friends is slowly getting larger and more close knit.
I have no problem ignoring advances, from men or women, that I don't want. I mean, we are all good but, no.
Interactions with people of both genders are as right now as they had been wrong my whole life.
So, was I straight before? Probably not. Straight curious or even straight hopeful would maybe be more accurate.
Now? A lot of my family have said that I am gay. I think at the beginning many people thought that I was. My guess is that fewer and fewer remember the guy they thought that I was. It has to be difficult for people to see a boy now I can barely see the remnants. So most people consider me straight. I know that I do..... finally.
Michelle
