Can't transition even if I wanted to. RAGE!!!

[taenerys]

Hi all! First time poster.... hope I put this in the right spot!

Just looking for resources/support/fistbumps from fellow people who can't transition for medical reasons. (I don't really want to go into all of that but suffice it to say that there are many).

I have been trying very, very hard to be like, "I'M NONBINARY!!!! YES!! That's it!". But in my soul, deep down in the little twisted recesses of my mind, I know I was meant to be male.

What could help me in this case? Doing things to lower my dysphoria? What do you do?

I should also mention that I am AFAB and married, and my husband is super accepting of my nonbinary self. He would not be romantically accepting of male me. This sounds like an obvious "you do you, and if it doesn't include him, so be it" kinda thing, but I'd be gutted if I left him. He's my person. And it's not like it's an option anyway. But I still kind of feel like I'm lying to him or myself or something. I guess I could do things like present as really male, bind, pack, all that stuff. But then my marriage would be in jeopardy. I'm willing, I think, to accept being very neutral but male leaning as long as it keeps me with my husband.

Any input you could provide would be greatly appreciated I will be seeing a therapist about this eventually. It's just a matter of the FREAKING waiting list... you know how it is. LOL

[Megan.]

Hi and welcome!

I'm Megan a MTF transwoman.

Firstly, thank you for posting and sharing your story. It is difficult for those of us who find ourselves trying to balance our internal feelings against those of a partner or spouse. Compromise is always the best option if one can be found, and that seems to be what you'd like to find if possible.

Depending on where you live, women do have quite a degree of flexibility these days in presenting quite masculine. Experimenting with your presentation and what your husband does and doesn't find acceptable might help.

Getting to a therapist to talk through your feelings is certainly a good idea, and something that has been of huge use to me.

If you'd like to, you can post on our Introductions thread so we can know a little more about you.


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[MeTony]

Hi! Welcome!

I recently told my husband since 19 years, that I am FTM. I prepared for the worst and got the next best. He was not angry or sad, he did not throw me out. What happened? He wanted to know more! He has been reading about ->-bleeped-<- himself and keep asking me questions. I answer them honestly.

He is not gay or bisexual. He has come to the conclusion that if I become Tony, our romantic relationship will be over. He can't imagine kissing Tony. But our FRIENDSHIP won't be crushed because of this.

The next best thing. We'll still be friends.

I was in agony, wanting to tell him. One week ago, I finally did. I was so nervous. And I thought, JUST DO IT! 

I have been thinking for 10 years. I felt it was time. Time for me to be myself. I've known for 40 years that I'm a guy. But 10 years ago I found out I could do something about it.

What I'm trying to say is your husband might react well...or not. It is all up to you when you are fed up with being called a woman, what do you do then? Taking steps to become yourself or continue to be unhappy?

I was getting depressed over and over. My psychiatrist thought I was bipolar. But after coming out to people, I have no depressed feelings. This is my chosen path and there is no turning back.


Tony

[Denise]

My soon-to-be-ex told that she couldn't be married to a woman.  So I knew transitioning meant the end (32 years). I was devastated a wreck.  I remember crying like a baby a number of times sobbing I screwed up the best thing in my life.

I stopped hrt and almost killed myself.  She agreed that I didn't have a choice.  Over the next 15 months we grew apart and the pending divorce is okay with both of us. 

I know I'm happier and I think she is too.  You just never know.  We're still friends and get together when possible.

The one thing I realized was that I was scared.  After having someone to fall back on, a constant support net was comforting.  But at what cost?  Transition for me has saved my life in so many ways not just the life/death way but mentally as well.  I never realized how poorly I felt about my previous presentation.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[Kylo]

It was supposed to be the end of my "straight" relationship as well. Now it's clearly some kind of bromance and contented living situation and that's fine by me. You just never really know, even with the 'rigidly' straight ones.

[Christine H]

I am new here, too. Coming from the opposite side. Not out at all, except to my therapist. ***big attention***, spend time with a therapist. My evolution in 3 months has been amazing. I kept cross-dressing in the closet for 50 years. Finally allowed myself to experience me without the shame and stigma - amazing relief and freedom. I'm not sure where this journey goes (importantly, there is not a destination/end point), but I am now open to the ride.

Best wishes for your ride,

Chris