The more I try to understand male behavior the less I do.

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. I've said in other posts that I totally don't understand male behavior and when I think I've pretty much seen all of it I find out even more. Male behavior is weird, no doubt about that. But some of it's just totally stupid! I wrote a thread about my brother car surfing and dislocating his shoulder. Apparently if his friends dare him to do something he's obligated as a guy to do it no matter how totally stupid it is. But I'm discovering even more stupid guy rules.

My brother has blonde hair naturally. Its not super light but its a honey color. He has me dye it light brown. His reason, because blonde hair makes a guy look gay. Wait,  what?? I didn't know there are were " gay" hair colors. I told him he looks better with his natural color and he told me that was the problem because his friends tease him and call him "pretty boy" when his hair is blonde. This is one of the most totally stupid things I've ever heard! I will admit that Tyler is very handsome but not in a "pretty" or feminine way. So...you can't look too good or you're a pretty boy or ->-bleeped-<-. Who makes these dumbass rules?!!! SO STUPID!

I found Charmed on Netflix and started watching it. My brother watched it with me once and he liked it and started watching it with me. But he asked me not to mention it around his friends. When I asked him why he said because Charmed was totally a " chick show" and he didn't want them to know he watched it. Why? Is Charmed only a female or "gay" show?? Who says? We have 2 cats and they really like Tyler and sit in his lap quite a bit. But I noticed that when his friends were there he wouldn't let either of them on his lap. When I asked him why , he said he didn't want his friends to see him with a cat in his lap. He said a guy with cats looked gay. Really?? Since when?? I didn't know someone's choice in pets made them turn gay.

Once recently this guy my brother totally doesn't like told him he had a big mouth. That's not what I would consider a super insult but my brother told him why didn't he come close it for him then  and got right in the guys face. I mean literally nose to nose! I pictured a bad brawl breaking out but they just exchanged insults and stared at each other for a minute and then they both walked away. I asked my brother why on earth he wanted to fight that guy. He told me  neither of them intended to fight each other. I told him he could have fooled me. I asked why he got in the guys face then. He told me he couldn't just walk away or he would look like a pussy and that if that guy had backed down then he would have looked like a pussy. That's just insanity! 

I didn't know being a guy was so much work! Who the hell makes these guy rules?? The total stupidity boggles my mind. Evidently looking gay or feminine among straight Cis guys is a fear they all seem to share. It's very sad really.

[SailorMars1994]

HAHAHAA, sorry but I get your point. The past while , all of 2017 atleast (and before) since I have been coming to terms with my own womanhood I find thinks like males being humiliated for even just vaguely enjoying something feminine a bit off putting . As you recall from my post last night I was a very insecure girl growing up, but I did have a lot of female-related things that I enjoyed but pretended not to. I recall around January 2010, long before I came out my then ex saw that I had the spice girls movie, spice world and yes I watched it quite a bit. I knew I loved it but had to play the male card so I just told her not to tell anyone. It was a show, like when she showed me the movie the notebook, i loved it but had to protect that fake ego. This was around the same time (jan/feb 2010) that I did tell her I was conflicted about my gender for quite some time however....

I suspect that even if you brother is not trans as it turned out that I was, he still has insecurties about just living as a human being with a spectrum of likes nott o be ashamed about.

Love ya girl

[AnonyMs]

I think that's a very specific type of male behavior. I don't know any men who behave like that. It sounds either very cultural or he's insecure, maybe both.

[AnonyMs]

Maybe immature. What does your father do?

[Tammy Jade]

Hi everyone. I've said in other posts that I totally don't understand male behavior and when I think I've pretty much seen all of it I find out even more. Male behavior is weird, no doubt about that. But some of it's just totally stupid! I wrote a thread about my brother car surfing and dislocating his shoulder. Apparently if his friends dare him to do something he's obligated as a guy to do it no matter how totally stupid it is. But I'm discovering even more stupid guy rules.

My brother has blonde hair naturally. Its not super light but its a honey color. He has me dye it light brown. His reason, because blonde hair makes a guy look gay. Wait,  what?? I didn't know there are were " gay" hair colors. I told him he looks better with his natural color and he told me that was the problem because his friends tease him and call him "pretty boy" when his hair is blonde. This is one of the most totally stupid things I've ever heard! I will admit that Tyler is very handsome but not in a "pretty" or feminine way. So...you can't look too good or you're a pretty boy or ->-bleeped-<-. Who makes these dumbass rules?!!! SO STUPID!

I found Charmed on Netflix and started watching it. My brother watched it with me once and he liked it and started watching it with me. But he asked me not to mention it around his friends. When I asked him why he said because Charmed was totally a " chick show" and he didn't want them to know he watched it. Why? Is Charmed only a female or "gay" show?? Who says? We have 2 cats and they really like Tyler and sit in his lap quite a bit. But I noticed that when his friends were there he wouldn't let either of them on his lap. When I asked him why , he said he didn't want his friends to see him with a cat in his lap. He said a guy with cats looked gay. Really?? Since when?? I didn't know someone's choice in pets made them turn gay.

Once recently this guy my brother totally doesn't like told him he had a big mouth. That's not what I would consider a super insult but my brother told him why didn't he come close it for him then  and got right in the guys face. I mean literally nose to nose! I pictured a bad brawl breaking out but they just exchanged insults and stared at each other for a minute and then they both walked away. I asked my brother why on earth he wanted to fight that guy. He told me  neither of them intended to fight each other. I told him he could have fooled me. I asked why he got in the guys face then. He told me he couldn't just walk away or he would look like a pussy and that if that guy had backed down then he would have looked like a pussy. That's just insanity! 

I didn't know being a guy was so much work! Who the hell makes these guy rules?? The total stupidity boggles my mind. Evidently looking gay or feminine among straight Cis guys is a fear they all seem to share. It's very sad really.

It sounds like what I remember of high school.

I never understood stood all the rules either. I loved Charmed, and other girl shows. I have blond hair with blue eyes, didn't do sport. I had no hope... I was always called "girl" "pussy" "gay"

Admittedly it would seem they were correct but at the time I still incorrectly thought I was meant to be a guy. There are so many stupid rules.. Like you can only cross you legs by putting ur ankle on ur knee.. crossing you ankles or crossing your knees apparently is not allowed. It just seemed so hard..

I completely agree a lot of them are stupid but guy will be guys.. if it's any consolation the rules tend to be less important and stupid as u get older..

-Mara


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[Angela Drakken]

Hi everyone. I've said in other posts that I totally don't understand male behavior and when I think I've pretty much seen all of it I find out even more. Male behavior is weird, no doubt about that. But some of it's just totally stupid! I wrote a thread about my brother car surfing and dislocating his shoulder. Apparently if his friends dare him to do something he's obligated as a guy to do it no matter how totally stupid it is. But I'm discovering even more stupid guy rules.

My brother has blonde hair naturally. Its not super light but its a honey color. He has me dye it light brown. His reason, because blonde hair makes a guy look gay. Wait,  what?? I didn't know there are were " gay" hair colors. I told him he looks better with his natural color and he told me that was the problem because his friends tease him and call him "pretty boy" when his hair is blonde. This is one of the most totally stupid things I've ever heard! I will admit that Tyler is very handsome but not in a "pretty" or feminine way. So...you can't look too good or you're a pretty boy or ->-bleeped-<-. Who makes these dumbass rules?!!! SO STUPID!

I found Charmed on Netflix and started watching it. My brother watched it with me once and he liked it and started watching it with me. But he asked me not to mention it around his friends. When I asked him why he said because Charmed was totally a " chick show" and he didn't want them to know he watched it. Why? Is Charmed only a female or "gay" show?? Who says? We have 2 cats and they really like Tyler and sit in his lap quite a bit. But I noticed that when his friends were there he wouldn't let either of them on his lap. When I asked him why , he said he didn't want his friends to see him with a cat in his lap. He said a guy with cats looked gay. Really?? Since when?? I didn't know someone's choice in pets made them turn gay.

Once recently this guy my brother totally doesn't like told him he had a big mouth. That's not what I would consider a super insult but my brother told him why didn't he come close it for him then  and got right in the guys face. I mean literally nose to nose! I pictured a bad brawl breaking out but they just exchanged insults and stared at each other for a minute and then they both walked away. I asked my brother why on earth he wanted to fight that guy. He told me  neither of them intended to fight each other. I told him he could have fooled me. I asked why he got in the guys face then. He told me he couldn't just walk away or he would look like a pussy and that if that guy had backed down then he would have looked like a pussy. That's just insanity! 

I didn't know being a guy was so much work! Who the hell makes these guy rules?? The total stupidity boggles my mind. Evidently looking gay or feminine among straight Cis guys is a fear they all seem to share. It's very sad really.

Its a lot worse when you find most of your cis female friends believe the same nonsense. It was super cool to be the 'gay' male friend. When they find out you're attracted to women despite your perpetuating literally every 'gay/trans stereotype' and they suddenly stop returning your calls is pretty legit.

I dont understand it either but I do know that its deeply sewn into the very fabric of the social world male or female. Rigid gender stereotypes are pervaisive and strange no matter who you talk to. Just a few months or so back at work one of the male labourers commented that there 'arent very many female carpenters.' (Regarding me. This story is humorous to me because I was not 'out' yet at work and he gendered me correctly.)

I simply replied; 'No, no you don't.' In ten years I havent seen very many of us either. Like theres some rule against women doing hard and heavy jobs with good pay and benefits? *shrug.* Its not like the jobs arent there. We're literally BEGGING for tradesfolk. Or hell even changing our own tire. I cant pull over at the side of the road without some knight in shining armor coming to do the heavy lifting for me..? As if Im not supposed to?

Worse still, Im sure plenty of women are happy to be waited on. Le sigh


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[Gertrude]

Try taking testosterone for a month or two with dosages sufficient to bring your levels up around 900 and you'll understand a lot.


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[RobynD]

They say masculinity is fragile, but that is sort of dismissive. Still, i totally get what you mean. I see elements of all those types of behaviors all the time. Some of it is maturity level, some of it is actually socioeconomic strata. It's by no means universal though and there are plenty of guys that are just themselves and don't care about their image in front of others, when their selves seem to conflict with a few things.

I believe the heteronormative and restricted culture does an unfair number on guys that encourages many to be what they don't want to be, or hide parts of themselves. That is sad.

For a great example of masculinity, i would name my boyfriend. He is masculine in looks, his work is traditionally masculine, they way he carries himself is that too. He has lots of guy friends. He is a feminist too, an ally of LGTB+ people and a cultural progressive. I'm biased of course, but i think all of that is wonderful.

[MaryT]

Wow, your posts are popular! When I started writing this, there was only one reply.

Young guys are stupid in that way but fortunately, most of them grow out of it.  When I was a teenager, it seemed that I was being endlessly beaten up by other teenagers, but so far I've never been punched by a grown man.  Tyler and his adversary did not come to blows but it could have happened and probably will if he often gets into that situation.  Most adult males will walk away from potential fist fights, and not because they are cowards.  They realise that there are people who depend on them to get home in one piece.  Also, they no longer feel the need to prove that they are men.

I love Charmed.  I don't think that Tyler is unmanly for liking it but I expect that more women than men like it.  As a child, I read girls' comics when I could but mostly had to make do with boys' comics.  Girls' comics certainly had more stories about ghosts, fantasy and magic than boys' comics.  Even as adults, I think that men are more likely to prefer gory horror movies, whereas women prefer spooky or magical horror movies like The Craft.

[Julia1996]

Maybe immature. What does your father do?

My dad is a cop. Before that he was a marine.

[Julia1996]

Maybe immature. What does your father do?

He's not immature generally but this type of behavior is common among his friends too so when he's around them it gets worse.

[AnonyMs]

My dad is a cop. Before that he was a marine.

I meant how's his behavior? Totally different I expect, because I'm sure he doesn't lack any confidence or maturity.

[The Flying Lemur]

Restrictive gender roles do a number on everybody.  Like the thing where women are told that if they're not the youngest, thinnest, and prettiest woman in the room, there's something wrong with them and they should feel bad about themselves.  Or worse, feel bad about all the other women around, too.  So much self-hate and social drama comes from that.  I never got why I'm supposed to smile and not take up physical space, either.  It's like I'm supposed to be happy about apologizing for existing.

Ugh.  Don't get me started.

We'd all be a hell of a lot happier if we could just be ourselves, without thinking we have to impress other people with how well we fit into a gendered box.   

[elkie-t]

Your brother seems a bit insecure, I know many guys who would just break any of those rules and give no thought about it.

I think he feels the need to prove his 100% man because of your past. But maybe I'm wrong


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[Julia1996]

Try taking testosterone for a month or two with dosages sufficient to bring your levels up around 900 and you'll understand a lot.


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Before I started hrt my T levels were normal for a 16 year old. But I was never aggressive. Maybe it's his age. He's 21. My dad isn't quite as bad.

[Devlyn]

So it sounds like you aren't distinguishing between immaturity and masculinity, which is a real disservice to men, don't you think?

Hugs, Devlyn

[Julia1996]

I meant how's his behavior? Totally different I expect, because I'm sure he doesn't lack any confidence or maturity.

Oh ok. My dad is totally different. He doesn't care so much about the guy rules. Titanic was one of his favorite movies. His friends were teasing him about it once and he totally wasn't bothered by it. He just told them to grow up. My dad also doesn't approve of fighting much. He always told my brother to defend himself if someone started something but not to ever throw the first punch. Actually my brother got punished a few times for fighting.

[MaryT]

My dad also doesn't approve of fighting much. He always told my brother to defend himself if someone started something but not to ever throw the first punch.

That's okay as long as he dodges the first punch.  One punch can sometimes do a lot of damage.

[amberwaves]

This sort of behavior is sadly quite prevalent.  It's not directly the result of testosterone, though that does exacerbate it.  Boys are often thrust into a society and culture that is hyper competitive.  Much of this behavior acts as a way of sorting out the pecking order.

The complete discounting of anything even remotely feminine is a sad result of what is typically referred to as toxic masculinity.  It is in many ways harmful to those engaging in it.  It preys upon insecurity of being outcast from the group or culture.  Not all men/boys are inclined to play along and typically this behavior fades somewhat as you get older.  For many they have learned to see anything feminine as shameful and feel strongly the need to hide it from others.  It's a show.

It does sound like your brother has some pretty crappy friends.  He has historically been the target of this sort of predatory thing by his association with you.  Some of his behavior is a way to overcompensate by being overly aggressive/macho thereby leaving no room for people to question his masculinity.  I am by no means implying your brother is anything but masculine, merely that he has insecurities about it with regard to how he shows it to society.  Though blonde hair being gay is certainly a new one.  More likely others are jealous and masking it with the easiest available insult for young men.  We sometimes forget that cis-gendered folk can still have issues with gender and presentation.  It's not because they feel the need to be the other, but that they are holding themselves up to a false, unspoken, and unachievable ideal of man/woman.

FWIW I lived through a lot of this type of toxic behavior.  Some I participated in willingly and others I just didn't care.  No one sets the rules they are a societal byproduct.  The trick as demonstrated by your father is to have the confidence to not cave to the petty thoughts and insults of others.  This saps the power out of the social bullies and in most cases leads to begrudging respect from others.

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[MaryT]

Crikey, in the UK if you are a male who has hair that isn't black, dark brown or very light blonde, then you are ginger.
That's a bad thing. (Well it isn't REALLY but it's a reason to get picked on here)

This is typical male 20-40 age behaviour.

Course, people will refute me, but this has been my case for my entire life.
I have a light brown hair naturally, which forces me into the ginger thing.

I have dark (and greying) hair but I've encountered the prejudice against "ginger" hair.  It doesn't help that "ginger" is also rhyming slang for gay people, either.