I'm just mad.

[Rebecca W]

I'm just mad. Because I don't know what else to do with this energy. It's directed outward, but has no real, logical direction, so I just keep pointing it back at myself. I stumbled upon my first girlfriends facebook tonight. She's beautiful, married, wealthy and well traveled. She seems to have it all at 22. And here I am, at 24, drunk, alone, bored and borderline depressed at 2AM thinking about what could have been. If only I had been born straight or cis. But I also know I can't sit here just WISHING that I had been born those, which is why I've started HRT. I want a happy me, and I'm taking steps to make that happen, but still. Some people just seem to have it all. I haven't given up, but it's ridiculous how hard my path seems to be, and how almost anyone who is cis doesn't understand how difficult being trans really can be. Every frickin day is a new taxing experience. I'm done being called sir, but I'm also not ready to come out as trans and ask people call me female pronouns. That's not an experience most people have to put up with or go through.

This isn't going anywhere. I'm just mad and needed to type. Thank you for reading.

[Shambles]

Let it out, its easy to get jelous at suff like this but as you get older, like me (35) you start to reconise life isnt fair bit what we all need to do is work with what we have. Sure theres always someone else you can envy but theres alot of people who would envy you.....

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Rebecca,

We've all been there. But just keep in mind that social media is meant to portray the good things about your life, that's how people use it. So everybody's lives seem perfect and better than yours. They're not, it's all an illusion.

[DawnOday]

I've had a similar situation. I married my beautiful girlfriend of four years. We had a wonderful relationship but we only saw each other a couple times a week so she had no idea what was going on the rest of the week. I have been fighting this need to dress up since I was very young, but I thought I could control it. Well, I could not. Once we married, I would still dress up as she was at work. I made the mistake of dressing up on Halloween, with too much enthusiasm. For forty years I could not figure out what had occurred to make her leave. In the meantime she married a Doctor. She is a nurse. They live in a million dollar house in Colorado Springs. She can afford to fly to California twice a month to visit family. Their children have jobs in the medical field. She plays tennis at Broadmore where the Olympians practice. Finding out from my therapist that I am transgender and wanted to undermine our relationship has led me to begin HRT. All the negative vibes I have had for all these years are now gone and I am as happy as I have ever been. I did remarry, and my present wife has been with me for 35 years. She has known since the beginning that I dress up, but being transgender was new to her. Luckily she loves me for me and I am so blessed because of it. I went from being married to a sex partner to being married to a life partner.