Dating during the inbetween phase

[Bari Jo]

Hello, sorry for the second topic posting.  This one has been skirted a couple times in the forum with no real resolution I can find.  It's really starting to bug me too.

I'd like to hear your stories and advice on dating while transitioning.  I'm asking mainly because a girl has needs, sometimes not physical, but just closeness with another.  I do like men, but as I'm not presenting as female yet, I am not comfortable with a manly profile looking for a straight man.  I've tried dating gay men, but they are interested in all the things I hate about myself.  Besides if they knew I was transitioning it would be over immediately.

How do you girls deal with the awkward inbetween phase?  Or how have you?  Can you recommend sites that overlook this, or how to get out there to attract the right kind of possible mate?

I'm lucky that hrt has almost completely removed the sexual drive.  However, it hasn't removed my need for closeness and companionship.  I hope the advice isn't, wait it out.

Confused here.

Bari Jo

[kat69]

Bari Jo,

     I'd love to be able to provide you feedback or advice, but this is one area I haven't solved yet.  I too like men, and in my earlier incarnation had relations with gay men.  Some of my friends have been able to maintain a bit of their ability and their willingness to interact with gay men.  I personally have lost my sexual desires right now, and much like you I would rather have an emotional/romantic relationship than a sexual one. 

     It's definitely a balancing act.  I'm sure I could find men out there who would desire me because I'm transgender and am still "in between".  These men aren't typically gay, so I could get some fulfillment, but I'd have to get past the fact that they would want me more for my male parts than my femininity. 

[StacyRenee]

I know what you're going through. I'm in the same boat. I'm bisexual, open to the idea of being pansexual. Women just don't seem interested in trans women. With men, it's hard to tell if they are straight but have a fetish, bisexual and don't care what parts their partner has, or just plain horny and just want sex.

Not knowing you're situation, I can only comment on my experiences. Most men that have approached me (online only at this point) have only been interested in sex. They don't want to be outed or embarrassed to be seen with a trans woman. Those are not boyfriend material. If you want a relationship, they should be willing to meet you in a public setting for the first few dates. Besides, that's only smart for your own safety.

I haven't been actively searching lately, as I've been focusing on my transition. I've tried several dating apps, but don't know what changes they've made in the last year. You might try those that allow you to choose transgender as an option.

If you're full time and don't mind the bar scene, you could try a gay bar in hopes of finding a bi guy. Going in groups is your safest bet there.

Finding a straight cis man that is totally okay with you being transgender in transition would be a needle in a haystack. Well I don't know if anything I've said will help you out. Just thought I'd give you my experiences with men over the past 10 years.

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[Megan.]

Sorry,  no answer here either. Maybe there is demand for me to develop a niche dating site??
I'd love to have someone to hold me. My poor kids are getting cuddled to bits!

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[Julia1996]

I dated during the inbetween stage. I say dated but actually more like hooked up with. I did it with gay or bisexual guys and one confused guy. Even with gay guys my boy parts where off limits. It's possible to hook up with a guy who isn't interested in your boy parts. The guys I was attracted to were masculine gay guys. They didn't care if I didn't let them mess with my boy parts as long as they got oral from me and I let them do anal on me. There are gay and bi guys who don't want to do oral and totally don't want anyone doing anal on them.

There are also gay and bi guys who don't care if you present on the female side. I dressed very gender neutral leaning to female, wore makeup and blue nail polish. The guys I hooked up with never cared. So it's very possible to find guys who will want to hook up with you. Just remember not to get really attached to them. Sooner or later you won't be able to hide the fact you're trans and the guy will end it. I made the mistake of getting a little too attached. When my breasts started to develop he noticed it. That and my lack of facial and body hair was enough for him to realize I was trans and he totally dumped me. So just make sure to keep in mind that gay guys will dump you when they find out your trans. Once you start to develop female features it might be possible for a bi sexual guy to still be interested.

I totally get that you have needs. A lot of transwomen wait until SRS before they start to hook up with guys. I totally respect that but I couldn't. I was a horny 16 year old. After starting hrt definitely killed a lot of the sexual desire but I then just wanted to be intimate with a guy just for the physical closeness,  kissing, etc. After writing all this I just realized I don't know if your into guys or women or both. I can't share anything about dating or hooking up with women because I've never been attracted to women.

I hope this helps. If you do hook up with a guy and it's your first time with a male I can pm you with some advice on making it hurt much less your first time. It's a little too graphic for the forum.

[Bari Jo]

Quick note of thanks.  I'll ready through and reply later.  I've been on set since 3 am so no tike to read thru yet.

Bari Jo

[VeronicaLynn]

You could try a site that allows no profile picture, or you could just use some blurry far away picture of you in girl presentation.

You aren't going to get as many messages as you would with a good picture, but still some.

YRMV, as I only date women and non-binary people. The thing I don't like is I still feel like I have to act like the guy and be the one that makes the initial contact and be the one asking for the first date, though I guess someone has to in lesbian relationships or they'll never go anywhere. If you are wanting to date men, that shouldn't be a problem.

StacyRenee: Some women are interested in trans women, just not most, because they don't know how awesome we are.

[Bari Jo]

Thanks everybody.  I'm finally off and can answer.  Yes, I am into men.  I have dated both men and women in the past.  With women I never felt complete since I always fantasized I was the woman.  With gay men, they liked me as a man, and that always made me uncomfortable even sad no matter how good the sex was, and sometimes it was very good.  Julia, I'm good on the anal front.  I could probably teach a course in it myself.  Im not good on the dating front though.  My experience with men, is only gay men, and I was the booty call, sometimes the regular, sometimes one night stands.  I've had a profile or two on the usual sites.  I totally haven't thought of hunting after bi men.  I cannot date gay men any more, since, well breast bumps, plus I felt shame doing it.  Not because I don't like gay people, but because I felt I had to hide myself just to be with them.  Bi and cis will be my targets.

I really want to thank everybody for your answers.  This makes me feel supported like I'm getting a big hug.

Bari Jo

[RobynD]

I never really have considered myself in between per se, but certainly anticipated dating as the transition unfolded. I totally understand your frustration and thoughts.

Always pansexual, my attraction to men increased with HRT and ultimately started dating a guy about 10 months ago, which was only about a year into HRT etc. By then though, i had fully socially transitioned, adopted my new name etc.

Bi men are definitely an option, but don't count out straight men who see the beauty in the woman that you are becoming and admire that etc. My bf is straight and mentioned pretty early on that he saw me as nothing but 100% woman.

The one other thing that comes to mind, is because of the understandable frustration with dating apps and sites and profiles and all of that. People dated long before all of those things existed, so don't forget activities where you meet guys, guys introduced through friends, events, clubs etc and even actively seek out referrals from people who know single guys.

[JoanneW]

I dated during the inbetween stage. I say dated but actually more like hooked up with. I did it with gay or bisexual guys and one confused guy. Even with gay guys my boy parts where off limits. It's possible to hook up with a guy who isn't interested in your boy parts. The guys I was attracted to were masculine gay guys. They didn't care if I didn't let them mess with my boy parts as long as they got oral from me and I let them do anal on me. There are gay and bi guys who don't want to do oral and totally don't want anyone doing anal on them.

There are also gay and bi guys who don't care if you present on the female side. I dressed very gender neutral leaning to female, wore makeup and blue nail polish. The guys I hooked up with never cared. So it's very possible to find guys who will want to hook up with you. Just remember not to get really attached to them. Sooner or later you won't be able to hide the fact you're trans and the guy will end it. I made the mistake of getting a little too attached. When my breasts started to develop he noticed it. That and my lack of facial and body hair was enough for him to realize I was trans and he totally dumped me. So just make sure to keep in mind that gay guys will dump you when they find out your trans. Once you start to develop female features it might be possible for a bi sexual guy to still be interested.

I totally get that you have needs. A lot of transwomen wait until SRS before they start to hook up with guys. I totally respect that but I couldn't. I was a horny 16 year old. After starting hrt definitely killed a lot of the sexual desire but I then just wanted to be intimate with a guy just for the physical closeness,  kissing, etc. After writing all this I just realized I don't know if your into guys or women or both. I can't share anything about dating or hooking up with women because I've never been attracted to women.

I hope this helps. If you do hook up with a guy and it's your first time with a male I can pm you with some advice on making it hurt much less your first time. It's a little too graphic for the forum.

Wow, just wow. You make this forum what it is. Amazing woman.

[Lady Lisandra]

I started dating my actual partner about half year after starting HRT. I was completely honest about myself and told her I was transitioning. She had dated other trans people before, so she had no problem with that. In fact she helped me a lot during my transition. I guess I was lucky and found the right person.

Unless you want just sex, I'd say you have to be honest. There's no point in lying, your potential partner has to know eventually. Just hunt for everything. Cis people, hetero, homo or bi have all the same probability in being interested in a long-term relationship with you. Yes, even bi. If you want a higher chance, look for pansexuals. None of them will care about your genitals nor you male/female appearance (my girlfriend is pan).

Regarding dating sites, take a look at OkCupid. It's very gay/trans/pansexual friendly. It's also good for finding friends.

All I tell you is from my experience, yours might differ.

[JennyBear]

I dated during the inbetween stage. I say dated but actually more like hooked up with. I did it with gay or bisexual guys and one confused guy. Even with gay guys my boy parts where off limits. It's possible to hook up with a guy who isn't interested in your boy parts. The guys I was attracted to were masculine gay guys. They didn't care if I didn't let them mess with my boy parts as long as they got oral from me and I let them do anal on me. There are gay and bi guys who don't want to do oral and totally don't want anyone doing anal on them.

There are also gay and bi guys who don't care if you present on the female side. I dressed very gender neutral leaning to female, wore makeup and blue nail polish. The guys I hooked up with never cared. So it's very possible to find guys who will want to hook up with you. Just remember not to get really attached to them. Sooner or later you won't be able to hide the fact you're trans and the guy will end it. I made the mistake of getting a little too attached. When my breasts started to develop he noticed it. That and my lack of facial and body hair was enough for him to realize I was trans and he totally dumped me. So just make sure to keep in mind that gay guys will dump you when they find out your trans. Once you start to develop female features it might be possible for a bi sexual guy to still be interested.

I totally get that you have needs. A lot of transwomen wait until SRS before they start to hook up with guys. I totally respect that but I couldn't. I was a horny 16 year old. After starting hrt definitely killed a lot of the sexual desire but I then just wanted to be intimate with a guy just for the physical closeness,  kissing, etc. After writing all this I just realized I don't know if your into guys or women or both. I can't share anything about dating or hooking up with women because I've never been attracted to women.

I hope this helps. If you do hook up with a guy and it's your first time with a male I can pm you with some advice on making it hurt much less your first time. It's a little too graphic for the forum.

    Great post, totally agree with everything in it. Reminds me of my own adventures.

    Being extremely confused as I came to terms with my trans issues I tried just about everything to make sure, even tried guys once. That just confirmed for me that yep, I'm a lesbian transwoman. (Found out I kinda like receiving anal though, hopefully that wasn't TMI.)

    Bisexuals of both genders tend to prefer that you are physically one or the other, not both/neither. It's rare to find one that can see you as the gender you're becoming without being put off by current physical status. Pansexuals on the other hand, including those that initially identify as bi, don't really care, they look for the person within. Girls tend to be more understanding of what a transwomen is going through if you explain it in terms where they can visualize themselves stuck in that situation.

    I'm still currently at the "In Between" phase, and have been since 2002, partially due to a temporary 8 year detransition period, (long story.) I met my current wife online as friends originally, way back when Yahoo Chat was a thing. It was my transgender status that initially got her interested in the first place. But it definitely helped that dating wise, we were both on the same page. She's been with me since the first transition attempt, through the detransition, and on through the present. But I know I got lucky there, no matter how much she professes the opposite is true.

    It really depends on  what you're looking for in dating. Is it simple companionship and affection? Sex? Casual Dating? or something much more concrete and long term. If you're looking for Mr/Mrs right, you have to be upfront about being transgender from the get go. Yeah, you might get more initial rejection, but it hurts a lot less than a break up after several months or years. Basic companionship and affection can be gained through a really good BFF. If you need that and sexual gratification, but not a relationship, by all means only reveal what you have to without intentionally deceiving anyone. If it's just a fling or a one night stand, it doen't matter what you are becoming, only what you portray yourself as for that short period of time. At any rate, be careful and stay true to yourself. I don't want one of my sisters here to end up hurt, whether physically or emotionally. Stay Safe and Strong.

HUGS!

[Sophia Sage]

I had to give up on dating during transition, as I realized what I really needed was heterosexual sex with a man, and that wasn't going to happen until after everything was said and done.  Mostly, though, I was driven by dysphoria -- I just couldn't be close with anyone until I was properly gendered.

That said, I did find solace in the trans community.  Not sex, but close friendships I could count on for companionship and understanding and to drive away the loneliness. 

[Jenny94]

Bisexuals of both genders tend to prefer that you are physically one or the other, not both/neither. It's rare to find one that can see you as the gender you're becoming without being put off by current physical status. Pansexuals on the other hand, including those that initially identify as bi, don't really care, they look for the person within. Girls tend to be more understanding of what a transwomen is going through if you explain it in terms where they can visualize themselves stuck in that situation.

Right! I mean, who's bi and who's pan is kind of academic a lot of the time....my personal plan is to go along to bisexual meet ups where I am, and to find someone who will be attracted to me as a woman.

J x

[Charlie Nicki]

I am in the in between stage as well and feels like I'll stay here for a while. I was wondering the same a couple of months ago Bari Jo, but I realized that at the moment I'm happy being single and free. Dealing with transition is a lot, so also having to deal with a cis man's expectations is something I don't really want to do at the moment. And I also don't really believe it's possible to find some sort of pan/bisexual guy who can be attracted to me as I look right now and also as a full woman. It's like looking for a unicorn.


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