Anyone remember how I was having a massive identity crisis a couple years ago and was freaking out over whether I was a cis guy or a trans girl? And how it ultimately kind of evaporated?
Well, it turns out things worked themselves out in a way I wasn't really expecting. No matter how much I tried to hide it, I wasn't truly happy with my decision. I still wanted to be a girl just as I had since I was a teenager, and since I still knew I didn't want to leave being a guy behind forever, I just chose to repress my female side.
Well, arguments kept flaring up, things kept getting worse and worse, but something out of left field started to calm everything down. My wife and I both agreed that I was not exactly 100% guy, but we were both unprepared for what happened next.
We had planned to go to a costume party hosted by a local LGBT gaming group with me dressed as a girl for months beforehand, but she did such a good job that my confidence really built up. We spent the following day out around town with me presenting female and had a blast! The anxiety and frustration were largely gone and I felt happier than I had in a long time. I was much more outgoing, I spent more time enjoying myself and less time worrying about everything. I was just being me in a whole new way and I didn't care what everyone around me felt. Nobody said anything bad; I got a few dirty looks at times but I brushed them off. When I had to use the bathroom, I went straight to the women's room without hesitation and had no problems there. My wife and I got called "ladies" three times. All in all, it was a very exciting and very empowering experience for me.
What freed me up like this wasn't hard to explain. Before I had felt trapped in either one box or another. Guy or girl, can't be both and have to pick one eventually. The slightest step toward the other end of the gender spectrum inevitably means going all the way in time. Except it doesn't have to. I never had wanted to transition all the way from male to female; what I had wanted all along was the freedom to be either one as I desired.
I really have to thank my wife all along for this, she helped me so much with sorting out my feelings and building my confidence, not to mention my appearance was largely her doing.
So here's the conclusion: I'm genderfluid. I'm a guy sometimes and a girl sometimes and I am happy being that way. I'll continue to switch my gender expression as I desire and not worry about what it makes me in the end. As for doing anything medical, I have no need of it. I really prefer keeping my genitals the way they are, so no SRS in the future at all. HRT would be unnecessary as well; my body is pretty naturally androgynous and as such there's little to be gained there.
