A great question

[MaryT]

Is this all just a matter of intensity and timing? I understand that those in their 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's can be just as driven and desperate to transition but I have a hard time understanding if a person feels so strongly about this, enough to throw away wives, family, careers and security, what mental machinations were involved that allowed them to live with it for so long? How can some people repress and ignore something that to me was as fundamental and important as breathing? For someone like me, no amount of parental or societal pressure, bullying, beating or ostracization could make me be anything other than myself. I did not know how to be anything else and why should I even have had to? Maybe I was just really stubborn or not too smart? Maybe I was just too weak to resist or simply selfish?

IGNORE IT?  When I was about 20 I was sent to a psychiatrist.  It wasn't to find out whether I could have a sex change, but to decide whether cross-dressing, etc., was enough to have me "put away".  The psychiatrist decided that I was a homosexual but that wasn't enough to put me in a mental hospital.  (I have never had sex witha man, by the way, but it is true that I would have liked to, in a passive way.)  I was living in South Africa at the time and there were still laws targeting homosexuals.  I remember reading about a police raid, on a cross-dressing beauty competition, on private property.  That was considered a gathering of more than two homosexuals and therefore a crime.  When I cross-dressed publicly and people she knew recognised me, my mother said that she despised me.  I loved my parents and cared for them in old age.  The only trans person I even read about who lived full time as a woman in South Africa, was working in sheltered employment for the mentally deficient.  She was lucky.  She was chosen for an experimental technique in sex change surgery, hence the magazine article.

Yes, I did resist the desire to kill myself, AND NOW I HAVE TO JUSTIFY IT?

[mm]

CarlyMcx, sounds like you finally found yourself and making headway; too bad it took you so long to get to transition.  Are you still planning on getting an orch soon?

[Allie24]

Whatever happened to the "gender spectrum"? Doesn't the very existence of this model imply that dysphoria affects different people at different levels of intensity?

[Lisa_K]

Whatever happened to the "gender spectrum"? Doesn't the very existence of this model imply that dysphoria affects different people at different levels of intensity?

I have a come back for this but know better than to post it. As you mentioned in your other thread... "treacherous waters".

[Dani2118]

Early transitioners long ago are a miracle of circumstances. A parent here, a near death there or a magazine article or TV show for another. A tip, or many, in the right direction and that was enough. Some times it's not. Some times it's in the wrong direction, or worse it's slammed home. For those of you that are too young to remember a time with out the internet information was scattered if it existed at all. Let's face it, not that much is known even now as to why we are as we are. 40, 50, 60yrs. ago, almost nothing. In 1965 me and my sister heard a woman on a Soap say she was 'pregnant'. We asked our mom what 'pregnant' meant. She about had a brain hemorrhage, but to her credit she told us. The simple act of having a baby was that taboo! In the south where I was if you were sexually different in any way, you were better off dead. This was laid on us from an early age in very subtle ways because you didn't openly speak about such things. This was the world I was born into. When I was about 5 was about when it was becoming apparent that boys and girls weren't the same, and I'm not talking about between the legs. I've been a girl since before I knew what one was. I liked playing with my sister and didn't realize until recently how much we played like two little girls instead of bro. and sis. When I was 6 I got my first wake up call when one of the boys I was running around with started calling another boy a 'sissy boy'. For three days they ragged on him mercilessly, in my head I thought 'if they only knew me, I would Never get any peace'. That was the day I learned to hide. That has been my cage until this year. My parents blew up along the way but stayed married until I was 20, I'll never know why!?! I didn't trust them, school became a horror[same old story], puberty. Good ole puberty. When I found out what it was going to do to me, I did what a lot [most?] of us do, I prayed to Please God let me wake up with the right parts down there. Obviously that didn't happen.{WARNING: Moderators May Not Like This Part.} I knew enough to know He was perfectly capable of doing it but did not. {I'm putting this here because this really happened to me. Believe what you will, this is my actual experience} For 2 weeks I thought about ways around my 'problem', there were none that I knew of. I decided to blow the back of my head off with my dad's pistol and go have a little talk with God and ask Him why??? The night before my last morning here I slept very well, until I woke up from a dead sleep and was shown the next 18yrs of my life in my head like a movie. And He said 'I'll be with you'. He's had to do it a couple of more times to keep me here. There was only one time when transition was possible. In 1978 my best friend and I were inseparable and I realized one night just how much I loved him and wanted to be his wife and not just a friend. My mother also knew something was going on, she thought I was Gay. Now, I wish I had told them about me, but I was so afraid of rejection that I didn't. Stupid me!!! I've now lived in a male exile for 39yrs. until this past July when I did my nails for the first time! Some of you wonder how we can live as men, especially for long. Like anything else, one day at a time. It took me  15yrs to learn to act like a man well enough to fit in and it sucked even then. I didn't realize until I was doing it but I learned to act like a lady from my mom when I was a teen. I was her shadow then and it's made transition much easier than it is for someone that discovers their TG later in life. It's truly a whole new world today, information everywhere. If I had a time machine I would go back and rescue myself but we only get one life and if we it we screw it up...

[Complete]

Early transitioners long ago are a miracle of circumstances. A parent here, a near death there or a magazine article or TV show for another. A tip, or many, in the right direction and that was enough. Some times it's not. Some times it's in the wrong direction, or worse it's slammed home. For those of you that are too young to remember a time with out the internet information was scattered if it existed at all. Let's face it, not that much is known even now as to why we are as we are. 40, 50, 60yrs. ago, almost nothing. In 1965 me and my sister heard a woman on a Soap say she was 'pregnant'. We asked our mom what 'pregnant' meant. She about had a brain hemorrhage, but to her credit she told us. The simple act of having a baby was that taboo! In the south where I was if you were sexually different in any way, you were better off dead. This was laid on us from an early age in very subtle ways because you didn't openly speak about such things. This was the world I was born into. When I was about 5 was about when it was becoming apparent that boys and girls weren't the same, and I'm not talking about between the legs. I've been a girl since before I knew what one was. I liked playing with my sister and didn't realize until recently how much we played like two little girls instead of bro. and sis. When I was 6 I got my first wake up call when one of the boys I was running around with started calling another boy a 'sissy boy'. For three days they ragged on him mercilessly, in my head I thought 'if they only knew me, I would Never get any peace'. That was the day I learned to hide. That has been my cage until this year. My parents blew up along the way but stayed married until I was 20, I'll never know why!?! I didn't trust them, school became a horror[same old story], puberty. Good ole puberty. When I found out what it was going to do to me, I did what a lot [most?] of us do, I prayed to Please God let me wake up with the right parts down there. Obviously that didn't happen.{WARNING: Moderators May Not Like This Part.} I knew enough to know He was perfectly capable of doing it but did not. {I'm putting this here because this really happened to me. Believe what you will, this is my actual experience} For 2 weeks I thought about ways around my 'problem', there were none that I knew of. I decided to blow the back of my head off with my dad's pistol and go have a little talk with God and ask Him why??? The night before my last morning here I slept very well, until I woke up from a dead sleep and was shown the next 18yrs of my life in my head like a movie. And He said 'I'll be with you'. He's had to do it a couple of more times to keep me here. There was only one time when transition was possible. In 1978 my best friend and I were inseparable and I realized one night just how much I loved him and wanted to be his wife and not just a friend. My mother also knew something was going on, she thought I was Gay. Now, I wish I had told them about me, but I was so afraid of rejection that I didn't. Stupid me!!! I've now lived in a male exile for 39yrs. until this past July when I did my nails for the first time! Some of you wonder how we can live as men, especially for long. Like anything else, one day at a time. It took me  15yrs to learn to act like a man well enough to fit in and it sucked even then. I didn't realize until I was doing it but I learned to act like a lady from my mom when I was a teen. I was her shadow then and it's made transition much easier than it is for someone that discovers their TG later in life. It's truly a whole new world today, information everywhere. If I had a time machine I would go back and rescue myself but we only get one life and if we it we screw it up...

Wow!  "...a miracle of circumstance."

I will second that!

[Amoré]

By the time I reached my teens, I was suicidal regardless of what anyone thinks. I was small, had long, pretty blonde hair well below my shoulders and was feminine

At least in your country you are allowed to have long hair in school as boys in South Africa you have to cut your hair short and wear a school uniform.Boys wear pants girls wear dresses. There is no way of expressing yourself in our schools. I always had long hair because it felt right until I went to school then I had to cut it off. It was one of the worst days for me cutting my hair off to be able to be accepted into school. We where not allowed to wear hair gel even because that is rebellious. Schools in South Africa is very strict on gender norms.

[Deborah]

I was never allowed to have long hair.  My haircut was dictated to me by my parents with no choice of mine involved.  Then when I was 13 and my parents found me out they sent me 2000 miles away to an all male military school in the Deep South.  No choice of haircut was allowed there either.

Beyond the haircut I had two choices at that point.  Adapt and make the best of my situation or not adapt and . . . I don't know where that would have led.

So I adapted, refused to be bullied from the first day, and excelled in everything I did there by being hard headed and refusing to accept second place.

As for available information, there were no computers, no internet, little contact with the outside world, and for me no TV for the majority of the year from 1973 until 1983.  The only way I discovered the word trans and found I wasn't the only one was from Hustler magazine in 1975.

People on both sides of this should be slow to judge the other side.  None of us have walked in the other's shoes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lisa_K]

At least in your country you are allowed to have long hair in school as boys in South Africa you have to cut your hair short and wear a school uniform....

That's awful. I've told my "hair" story before but it was always a problem. In the 7th grade (1967), school wasn't even going to let me in because it was too long until my folks showed up at the school board with their lawyer and threatened to sue. My folks met with the high school before I started and told them not to even bother. By the time I graduated, my hair was almost to my waist. I would not have done well with uniforms. At. All.

THIS IS NOT ME! But it's remarkably dang close to what I looked in about the 8th/9th grade, to give you an idea.



It's the actress Peggy Lipton as a teenager who grew up to play Julie Barnes on The Mod Squad. (below) She was my idol and who I wanted to grow up to be. I came pretty darned close! Not quite as pretty but I looked a LOT like her in my early 20's.



For being an old lady, (almost 63) I still have fairly longish blonde hair. It's always been important to me.

[Allie24]

I had wanted my hair long in high school. My parents only let me grow it to about this length (seen below).

When I asked them if I could experiment with makeup, they said no. However, they bought me girl's jeans to wear to school when I asked...

https://i.imgur.com/jA0ckH7.jpg
(Me Age 14)

My entire high school career I attempted to find ways to sneak all my "gender-bending" behind their backs. However I couldn't apply eyeliner properly and whenever I did it at school I would wash it off because I was afraid I get made fun of for how bad it was. I also stole my mom's clip-in blond extensions, cut them, and clipped them into my own hair to look like I had bleached streaks in it; I pierced my own ear for a day; I used a pink highlighter to color pinks streaks in my hair; I wore my sister's t-shirts to school because they were form-fitting and I like them; I shaved my legs. Living in a Blue State really made a difference. I was never bullied severely for any of this behavior. My only worry was my parents, and after a particularly bad incident at school, they forced me to convert to Christianity and threw out all of my stuff that had a "demonic" influence on me, however, even then allowed me to dress as flamboyantly as I did in the past (I had these atrocious green pants that I adored). It wasn't until age 18 when my manner of dressing conflicted with my sexuality (which was bisexual-wanting-to-be-straight-because-my-parents-said-so)... people got the "wrong idea" from it. That was the only time I stopped, and it lasted two years until I met my current partner.

I've always wondered if I could have lasted longer than those two years... probably not :/

[Julia1996]

I had wanted my hair long in high school. My parents only let me grow it to about this length (seen below).

When I asked them if I could experiment with makeup, they said no. However, they bought me girl's jeans to wear to school when I asked...

https://i.imgur.com/jA0ckH7.jpg
(Me Age 14)

My entire high school career I attempted to find ways to sneak all my "gender-bending" behind their backs. However I couldn't apply eyeliner properly and whenever I did it at school I would wash it off because I was afraid I get made fun of for how bad it was. I also stole my mom's clip-in blond extensions, cut them, and clipped them into my own hair to look like I had bleached streaks in it; I pierced my own ear for a day; I used a pink highlighter to color pinks streaks in my hair; I wore my sister's t-shirts to school because they were form-fitting and I like them; I shaved my legs. Living in a Blue State really made a difference. I was never bullied severely for any of this behavior. My only worry was my parents, and after a particularly bad incident at school, they forced me to convert to Christianity and threw out all of my stuff that had a "demonic" influence on me, however, even then allowed me to dress as flamboyantly as I did in the past (I had these atrocious green pants that I adored). It wasn't until age 18 when my manner of dressing conflicted with my sexuality (which was bisexual-wanting-to-be-straight-because-my-parents-said-so)... people got the "wrong idea" from it. That was the only time I stopped, and it lasted two years until I met my current partner.

I've always wondered if I could have lasted longer than those two years... probably not :/

I have to say you were very feminine looking at 14. But then I saw your grown up before and after pictures and you looked female even in your before pictures.

I used to wear gender neutral stuff but I always had girl colors. Pink, purple, etc. I had talked my dad into letting me wear eyebrow pencil and mascara by telling him it made me look more normal. Not really a lie though. With good makeup I can almost pass for a non albino person who's just really pale. I also wore black, blue and green nail polish. The funny thing was that as tolerant as my dad was with the makeup and nail polish he totally wouldn't let me wear actual female clothes. It was his last hold out I guess. He was insistent about it so I never pushed him with the clothes issue. I had long hair since my dad gave up trying to take me for haircuts when I was about 8. I wanted really long hair but I was only allowed to have it shoulder length. Since I refused to go to a barber shop or salon he would chase me down and cut an inch or so off of it himself when it started to get past my shoulders .My mom on the other hand complained about my hair constantly.  She was always threatening to cut it herself. Finally my dad told her to get over it and that if she cut my hair he would cut hers. My dad doesn't make false threats so she dropped it.

It's interesting but also sad to read everyone's experiences with trying to express their true gender before transition.

[Another Nikki]

One of the things I liked about Susan's is that it seemed to be free of the conflict of
->-bleeped-<-r than thou, young vs old transitioners or my misery is greater than your misery.  I hope it's not devolving.  For most everyone spending time in this forum, there's some level of angst in their lives, and certainly some suffer much more than others.  I've been very fortunate, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm mid 40's.  I asked my therapist, who has been in practice for many years, why now?  Why was I able to compartmentalize and function pretty well for so long.  Her take was like a steam or pressure cooker, the hiding, denial and anxiety continue to build over the years until one has to deal with it.  She said 40 is a pretty common age to start dealing with it.

Peace.

[Julia1996]

One of the things I liked about Susan's is that it seemed to be free of the conflict of
->-bleeped-<-r than thou, young vs old transitioners or my misery is greater than your misery.  I hope it's not devolving.  For most everyone spending time in this forum, there's some level of angst in their lives, and certainly some suffer much more than others.  I've been very fortunate, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm mid 40's.  I asked my therapist, who has been in practice for many years, why now?  Why was I able to compartmentalize and function pretty well for so long.  Her take was like a steam or pressure cooker, the hiding, denial and anxiety continue to build over the years until one has to deal with it.  She said 40 is a pretty common age to start dealing with it.

Peace.

I would never minimize anyone's struggles. We are all trans and we all suffer for it. No one is more trans than anyone else. We just all suffer different levels of dysphoria. Without a doubt there are people here who have suffered far more than I have. I've been extremely lucky and I know that. I just share my experiences with everyone, both good and bad. I never mean to imply I'm more trans or better than anyone else. If anyone has taken anything I've written that way I totally never meant it that way. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with anything I have written.

[zirconia]

I've thought about this for a while, but haven't reached an answer.

The only tentative thing I can think of is that I trusted my parents to be right to such an extent that anything they said must be the truth. Since they told me I was a boy I must be. Even so, as I mentioned elsewhere, I didn't like it and becoming a man horrified me. The only thing I thought might save me was magic—which I didn't seriously believe was an option, but wistfully hoped I would encounter. The only other option I saw was to remain a child. That made me a bit obsessed about Peter Pan. But of course that also entailed magic.

When my body began to react to testosterone I tried with all my might to shut the effects out. Male sexual urges disgusted me. I was horrified enough that I thought about killing myself to prevent succumbing to them.

One memory that in a strange way illustrates my trust in my parents omniscience and benevolence is an incident that occurred when a TV crew was filming at our house. My father came to me in front of them and furiously berated me about smoking in my room. I knew I hadn't, so I immediately assumed that he didn't want to directly confront the strangers who were using it as a dressing room, but to obliquely tell them they shouldn't smoke in our home. I only later realized he did in fact think that I had done so.

Had I not trusted my parents to the extent I did things might have been different. What strikes me now is that I did smoke after the incident, although not at home. Had I seen them as fallible earlier I might have fought and rebelled regarding other things as well.

[Allie24]

I have to say you were very feminine looking at 14. But then I saw your grown up before and after pictures and you looked female even in your before pictures.

I used to wear gender neutral stuff but I always had girl colors. Pink, purple, etc. I had talked my dad into letting me wear eyebrow pencil and mascara by telling him it made me look more normal. Not really a lie though. With good makeup I can almost pass for a non albino person who's just really pale. I also wore black, blue and green nail polish. The funny thing was that as tolerant as my dad was with the makeup and nail polish he totally wouldn't let me wear actual female clothes. It was his last hold out I guess. He was insistent about it so I never pushed him with the clothes issue. I had long hair since my dad gave up trying to take me for haircuts when I was about 8. I wanted really long hair but I was only allowed to have it shoulder length. Since I refused to go to a barber shop or salon he would chase me down and cut an inch or so off of it himself when it started to get past my shoulders .My mom on the other hand complained about my hair constantly.  She was always threatening to cut it herself. Finally my dad told her to get over it and that if she cut my hair he would cut hers. My dad doesn't make false threats so she dropped it.

It's interesting but also sad to read everyone's experiences with trying to express their true gender before transition.

Lol I had bad acne senior year of high school and my mom let me wear foundation to cover it up (*gasp* even when we went to church.

The whole claiming to do it to look normal thing reminded me of that! XD

Like the girls' jeans, it was the only other instance where, for some reason, it was ok...

[Sarah_P]

When I was 10 or 11, my mother, a woman that I trusted & loved, who had never done anything but spoil me rotten (she worked at a toy store!), tried to murder me & my sister. She was supposedly going to take her own life afterwards, but (thankfully!!) she didn't give us a big enough dose of whatever it was, and drove us (unconscious) back home, where the police arrested her & we were rushed to the hospital.
I somehow convinced myself for the next 25 or so years that she was just trying to kidnap us and take us away somewhere, but I knew the truth in the back of my mind (a year or so ago I fully realized the truth, which led me to where I am now, after a stop at my lowest low I've ever been). I didn't realize it until recently just how much this has affected my life (my father tried to take us to a psychiatrist years later, but I refused to talk to him at all).
This led me to have a distrust & even dislike for women, and yet I started cross-dressing in private at the age of 15. I utterly hated myself for it. I had no real interest in dating women, and society told me that it was wrong to date men (plus I was never comfortable with the idea of me having sex with a man AS a man). So I've lived alone in self-loathing for most of my life. Plus, there just wasn't any resources to finding out about transgender matters. The only thing I knew about it growing up was as a bad joke in sitcoms or movies.

Fear and self-loathing kept me from accepting who I am until the age of 42. I told myself I was stronger than these urgings, but didn't realize that I would truly be stronger by accepting them. I realized I was trans around 10 years ago, but just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it, at least until I tried to take my own life. I had already decided I didn't want to hit 50, but I just couldn't take the pain anymore. When I couldn't manage to do it (thankfully I have a real problem swallowing pills!), I said to myself 'hey, why not give this being a girl thing a try first?'.

So I started this year trying to kill myself, and I'm ending it the happiest I've ever been my entire life.

[DawnOday]

When I was 10 or 11, my mother, a woman that I trusted & loved, who had never done anything but spoil me rotten (she worked at a toy store!), tried to murder me & my sister. She was supposedly going to take her own life afterwards, but (thankfully!!) she didn't give us a big enough dose of whatever it was, and drove us (unconscious) back home, where the police arrested her & we were rushed to the hospital.
I somehow convinced myself for the next 25 or so years that she was just trying to kidnap us and take us away somewhere, but I knew the truth in the back of my mind (a year or so ago I fully realized the truth, which led me to where I am now, after a stop at my lowest low I've ever been). I didn't realize it until recently just how much this has affected my life (my father tried to take us to a psychiatrist years later, but I refused to talk to him at all).
This led me to have a distrust & even dislike for women, and yet I started cross-dressing in private at the age of 15. I utterly hated myself for it. I had no real interest in dating women, and society told me that it was wrong to date men (plus I was never comfortable with the idea of me having sex with a man AS a man). So I've lived alone in self-loathing for most of my life. Plus, there just wasn't any resources to finding out about transgender matters. The only thing I knew about it growing up was as a bad joke in sitcoms or movies.

Fear and self-loathing kept me from accepting who I am until the age of 42. I told myself I was stronger than these urgings, but didn't realize that I would truly be stronger by accepting them. I realized I was trans around 10 years ago, but just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it, at least until I tried to take my own life. I had already decided I didn't want to hit 50, but I just couldn't take the pain anymore. When I couldn't manage to do it (thankfully I have a real problem swallowing pills!), I said to myself 'hey, why not give this being a girl thing a try first?'.

So I started this year trying to kill myself, and I'm ending it the happiest I've ever been my entire life.

Congratulations on becoming yourself. Now, go live life to the fullest. The Phoenix rises.

[Allie24]

Why don't we all look at it like this. Let's say that being trans is like having a cold...

Colds affect everyone's body differently. Some might get sniffles, others might have to be hospitalized. Sometimes the symptoms are mild and come in the form of a mild cough and sore throat and are easily ignored. Years can go by without the person ever going to the doctor to get a check up, and then one day they do and they're told they have a cold and this time it's very serious, and they're like, "But wait, I've seen people go to the hospital from the cold, why didn't that happen to me?" The doctor tells them that the bug gets some people quick and they fall down within days, and for others it's insidious and grows inside them over a long period of time.

We've all got colds. Some have worse colds than others. We can't call someone who got a cold and collapsed immediately weak. They're body was not built to withstand it. Nor can we say that someone who didn't get a checkup immediately was crazy or foolish, because the cold didn't affect them as extremely and they were able to tolerate it for longer. As the OP said, we're all different, and there is really nothing at all wrong with that. It is the way of nature.

[Another Nikki]

amen, namaste, shalom, etc. 

[DawnOday]

When I first discovered I was different, about the only example I could relate to was Christine Jorgensen. In the 70's there was tennis player, Rene Richards and in the 80's I finally had someone I could relate to. Caroline Cossey. I now know there were many more out there but at the time transwomen were determined to be the kinky sexual pickups in back ally's. In today's environment even on this site there are thousands of peers. I finally discovered I was not alone and it was the greatest feeling ever. Since I began checking things out a little over a year ago, some of the people who influenced me with their courage like Jazz Jennings, Carmen Carrera, Laverne Cox, Candis Cayne, and my new friends at Ingersoll Gender Center. Then I went to Gender Odyssey in Seattle and witnessed 1700 other people just like me. Overall the best 4 days of my life, outside the birth of my children. Now working on my 15th month of HRT. I am a much different person than I was when I started. Stress is almost non existent. I am able to love again and no it is not about sex. I was so ashamed, I could not even treat my wife of 35 years with the love she deserved. She is even showing signs of being truly accepting. Yes she had said she understood, but really didn't. Lastly, all the wonderful people here on Susan's, with their stories of pain, suffering and overcoming all the nasty stuff having to do with knowing you are someone else. I am so glad I am going to live out the last years of my life as someone I can finally acknowledge, is closer to the real me than anything that existed before.