Hello Everyone,
This is the first time I've ever signed up to a trans forum before, even though I've always felt like this, and I've always known, as far back as I can remember. Was obsessed with my mom's friend's breasts when I was 6, very cringey I know, but when she told me I'd have my own one day I replied with a statement that is still true almost 20 years later, which should probably be my motto..."I don't want my own boobs, I just want to play with other peoples". When they ask you what you want to be when you grow up in school I didn't say nurse, or fireman, I said I want to be a boy called Craig. They were right, it was just a phase, I've proper gone off the name Craig since then.
So I'll soon be changing my name to Frazer with Jason as a middle name. I'm 25 years old next month, I live in the south of England but grew up in the midlands. I came out as a lesbian when I was 16 or 17, funny how that never felt scary at all, unlike this. I like to keep people at a distance, don't like them to see what's really going on. So that's why it's been easy for me to play the confident lesbian, because it's a mask to hide behind in reality. It lets me be a fraction of myself enough to not drive me insane while still feeling guarded and safe. I would have come out sooner, probably first as lesbian then as trans not long after I imagine, but unfortunately from 9-16 I attended a girl's school. At first I couldn't fit in at all, I used to have so much confidence in who I was before, but in that environment, in those days at least, they break that spirit. The teachers, the kids, everything about those institutions crushes people like us. The only way to survive is to repress everything and try and forget who you are, to just go numb. I went too numb though, after I went to college, and I had completely lost the ability to even speak to normal teenagers. So for two years I didn't. Unable to speak to anyone I tried to be invisible, by trying to look girly and inconspicuous, although really I looked like the world's most awkward and uncomfortable drag queen. I had only 2 friends from my old school, fortunately 6 months before I went to university one of them introduced me to a new group of friends. And thank god she did, because it felt like I was preserved in a block of ice that was finally thawing out. I remembered how to socialise and make new friends, how to talk to normal people again. It reminded me that people could genuinely like me for who I am. This was just what I needed before going to university, which to my relief, was very different. I made a large group of open minded friends very quickly, and slowly I began to shed away these protective layers of girlyness I had been hiding myself in, my wardrobe changed, I took out my earrings, stopped my rubbish attempts at make up, cut my hair shorter and shorter. It was a long gradual process that continued beyond graduation. It's taken almost 7 years to completely undo 7 years of damage.
I first started coming out to people about 3 years ago, my best friend, I couldn't stand the way he treated me like a woman, the butch lesbian mask didn't seem to work on him as well as it did on everybody else. Used to crush me How he'd call complete strangers Man and Mate but couldn't afford me his best friend the same basic respect. It took a while for him to completely get it, but he did. Unfortunately he moved back home up north shortly after graduation, although he visits now and then. I only hinted at it with the local friends I made in the following years. Wasn't until January this year when I got a message out of the blue from an old friend. A fresher I befriended in my second year I'd met at the LGBT Society I co-organised. At the time I thought this friend was a bisexual guy, years later she messaged me saying she was transitioning to be a woman and how I'd been a huge influence and brought her out of her shell and given her the confidence to begin transitioning. I was amazed how I could have had this effect on someone else but be such a coward about it myself. I felt like such a hypocrite. The last few years I'd be putting it off because I wanted to be financially independent with my own business first. But that's no mean feat with constant dysphoria, it's why I've never tried at anything a day in my life. Not too bad, all considered then really, but miles off what I could be if I cared. But there's no point in painting your masterpiece when some kid's scribbled all over your page before you've even started. It was then that I realised, this will always be the case, all I do is survive. The strongest coward you'll ever meet. It was this old friend in the end, who made me see that, who actually inspired me to come out of my shell and take the plunge.
It's felt so good these last few months, to finally set down this weight I've been carrying round my whole life. I came out to my bisexual girlfriend, she encouraged me to take the steps I'd wanted to take for so long. I saw a doctor, got my referal, now waiting 12 months until my first GIC consultation. I've already had a guys haircut for the last few years, and worn completely male clothing and boxers, but I stopped shaving my legs, started working out regularly, my biceps have increased by an inch and a half already, I've come out to all my close friends now, and all have been super supportive like I couldn't have imagined, especially the one I was most worried about, he's even offered to be a sperm donor for me should my future partner want one, which is a nice gesture. I came out to my dad this weekend, we stayed up drinking in his van till 4 in the morning, which is very out of character, but it was the first time he's ever said he's proud of me and truly meant it. The only worry is my man-hating mother, I'm currently writing her a letter as I know she won't listen, but can't interrupt or escape the written word. Growing up being constantly told how evil men are wasn't the best environment to come home to from a soul crushing day of being shaped and moulded into a prim and proper lady. But hopefully she'll accept it, if not then I'm free at least, if she can't accept her son she shall have no daughter. Got a year of waiting though now, so we shall see. Just hoping Kim Jong un can hold off nuking the planet until then at least. fingers crossed.
Sorry this was so long, but that's my story, and I look forward to getting to know people on here.
