After five years of hard work, I have my first HRT appointment in three days. Somehow, I feel a bit numb. That may be my own built in coping mechanism. That might sound like I have an underlying fear, but it's not that. I think it may be due to my dark past concerning bigoted healthcare towards me.
That coping mechanism is working now that I think about it. Being shamed into conversion therapy as a pre teen. My body was different from the other boys as a pre teen, and on. I was taken to the doctor to be treated for gynecomastia, I got all the body shaming that went with it. Not that I had any control over it. Doctors telling me it was pathology that made me different physically, and mentally. General malpractice for good measure. Needless to say, I don't have much trust in doctors. I realize not all of them are the same. Especially where I will be going on the 11th.
In that time where I explored all avenues, and options; how they influenced each other to create a real, stable platform so that I could sustain them. Four of those years led to dead ends, and I was loosing hope. For me, loosing hope makes those last bits of remaining hope turn into steel. There are always other options, and it may take a little time to attain them. And it did.
I also took a little time to regroup. Time to regain bearing after having been fired from my job for being transgender, except that wasn't the word used by them. That is a different story altogether.
I'm actually sitting here right now, planning my itinerary for the drive from a small town in north Idaho, to Renton Washington. Pausing time to time searching my feelings. I've never been an overly proud person, but I feel a hint of something. Whatever it is, it's better than butterflies. Those will be coming when I cross the threshold into my doctor's office. Fasting ahead of time won't be much help -for the lab work.
I've crossed a lot of lines during my life. Most of them for the benefit of others. This new one is different in so many ways. In one way, I feel like I am making a dedication, or even a declaration to myself for a better life. Something much needed. It simply feels right. Right is good for a change. And hopefully a long lasting one.
Challenges will come, but only for the betterment of a new beginning.
