Wavering

[MollyPants]

Hiya

So I have my first appointment with the gender clinic next week and I have had a big surge of guilt and doubt. I just wondered is this normal? I'm sort of full time at home and when I get to dress it feels like this is what I'm supposed to be but when I have to present male the guilt creeps in.

X

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[Charlotte F]

I think this is pretty normal.  Certainly for me I had years (decades) of doubt and I still have occasions when I really wonder what I'm doing.  That said, these doubts are fleeting and decrease the more I discuss my doubts & fears and with each step I take

If you aren't already seeing a gender therapist, I'd really recommend going to one.  It can really help you work things out fully in your own head

As for the gender clinic, you should remember you don't need to do anything until it feels right for you.  The speed at which you transition is entirely up to you regardless of what any doctor advises

Whether you go can only be your choice but personally speaking, if it's a UK clinic, I'd go anyway because the wait for another could be a year or two.  Afterwards you can then think about what has happened and what your options are.  You never know it might help get rid of some of those doubts.  If it doesn't feel right, you can just stay as you are until you feel more confident in how you want to move forward

[MollyPants]

Thank you for the advice. I was going to a gender therapist. But this sort of stopped when I came out to my partner.

I'm actually quite excited to start sorting my life out. But I think this is where some of the guilt and fear stems from.

X

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[Daisy Jane]

I think it's pretty common. I've been on hormones for 18 months, and occasionally my anxiety still gets the best of me. I start thinking "OMG! What if this was all a big mistake!" Then I may catch a glimpse of myself walking by a car window and see the reflection of a woman. It feels thrilling to see the transformation, and I feel grounded once again.

[Marcieelizabeth]

I think feeling guilty and wanting to stop, or run away are very common. for decades I felt like wearing women's clothes felt right, but felt so guilty I often  threw out what I had, then had to start again!   For me it was the realization that it was not just the clothes but that I was a woman, always have been that tipped the scales so I could proceed,and begin transition.  Before that I was sure I was a straight male, and that those feelings were just fetish, related to being sexually excited rather than who I was. Now I know I still feel regret at what this transition is or may do to those I care about and love, but I do not regret or feel ashamed about being who I am. 

Starting out I think this is not only frequent to feel as you do, but necessary to get trough the early stage of doubting if it is real!

Love and hugs, Marcie

[HappyMoni]

Nerves are normal. Part of you is probably arguing for the safe, status quo. Moving forward is scary. I do remember that I considered being out in public and being perceived by others as my true gender as a test. I thought I would be so embarrassed. It turned out that I loved it. It told me a lot about myself. Pay attention to whether it is a good feeling and try to weed out the fear. Fear can fool you. It drives so many of us away from what could be a good thing for ours lives. If you do something and it feels really wrong, then  maybe ya gotta think it through some.
Moni

[rmaddy]

If you don't occasionally ask yourself what the hell you are doing during transition, you probably aren't a very curious individual.  Doubt can be unsettling, but equally educational.  It is your inner voice, broken to the surface.

[MollyPants]

A lot of this sounds very familiar! I feel so much more natural as a female and when I get to dress my nerves largely disappear. Leaving the status quo is always going to be scary and terrifying. But equally I really don't want to be a what I am now forever.

Thanks for all the support x

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[MollyPants]

Heya

So yesterday I think went well (or as well as it could go), the psychiatrist diagnosed me and is referring me onwards. Now begins the long wait in the NHS. As frustrating as it is I do think it's going to give me an opportunity to reflect on things and figure how far I need to go to be at peace with myself.

Molly x

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[Charlotte F]

Well done Molly - that sounds like a huge step to take.  I hope it wasn't too painful

Charlotte