State of mind is a big influence for me. How I choose to perceive life as it happens, while making significant changes.
This month, on the 11th is my first HRT appointment. I tried to come up with the words to describe just how important this is to me. It's hard to describe that feeling I have, a feeling that has been with me as long as I can remember. How it changed from an impossible longing, to a possible future. To become as whole a human being as I need to be.
As I start my new life, I can't help but think of the long road that led me here. Isolation from an early age, from the rest of the world creates a skewed reality. Something like a very narrow viewspace to life your life, like having blinders on. Living like that made me numb to how I felt as a person, and I became a drone to the whims of those around me. Somehow, I lived a life of opposites. Somehow, I felt that if I couldn't be true to my gender identity, it would be easier to be what I was expected to be. Maybe part of the reason it took so long was because I was afraid of a lot of things.
Being different in North Idaho is not conducive to a fruitful life. I learned that from bullying, beatings, and worse. Later on in life I experienced constant hostile work environments, and discrimination. Even fired a few times because they can do that here. It seemed like the more I had to struggle, my own stubbornness became just as strong.
Why not just leave? I struggled with that notion for years. I worked so hard for what I had made for myself that packing up and leaving felt like I was running away from a faceless bully. Not only that, but I would be leaving my mother that depends on me. Care giving became my first responsibility that I was unprepared for in the beginning. After all, I had just begun my own life of independence. I don't see it as a burden though, I feel like I'm needed, and that is good feeling to have.
I would be lying if I said moving where I could live peacefully didn't cross my mind on a daily basis. My home in Idaho is in the mountains. Many miles from civilization other than hardcore small town folk. Finding work is difficult without an "in," let alone being a trans woman -but still possible. If it wasn't, I would have no choice but to leave. For three years, I've created options that can get me what I need. Just the basics.
And now. I can't help but imagine what is ahead of me. I'm here at home, watching the snow fall. Almost four inches of accumulation so far. Looking from the same window, at the same street light illuminating the Snowflakes in that same hypnotic way as it has done since childhood. But things are different now. I'm going to become as much of the woman as I have always been, and a new life is as inevitable as the coming winter.
Something has been bothering me. Two words that have profound meaning, and also feeling of uncertainty.
Full Time.
I'll never have that where I call home. I think that is where a good therapist will come into play. I've always been able to find ways of coping. Even some of my supportive peers have told me that sacrifice is part of life. I understand that, but that is a general term. I know from my own personal feelings that I shouldn't have to keep hiding after beginning my transition, and its progression. Putting limits on that is counter to what I'm doing for personal growth, and fulfillment.
I find solace knowing that I can do what I can. I've done that already. Four years ago, I thought it was impossible to be where I am right now, but I am. A big part of that comes from places just like this one. And now this site is my second home. Where at anytime I feel those two words without anxiety.
I hope I made sense. I tend to write how I feel in the moment.
