I'm going to try to write freely about how I feel. Coming to terms, and learning how to make changes. I really don't want to come across as whining, or feeling sorry for myself. Lamenting maybe, because that is how I feel at times.
I should feel very happy, and I do most of the time. Being able to finally transition has become the biggest win of my life so far. I'm happy, and grateful for the opportunity to begin. I've come to realize though, that with each gain in life, there is often loss. Some kind of cosmic balance maybe, or just human nature revealed. I will transion as much as can afford. HRT only for the foreseeable future. I can sustain my HRT.
Transitioning for me is a personal growth journey. Coming into my own after 38 years. With that comes isolation. I don't have a local support group where I feel accepted for who I am. I've had unfortunate negative experiences with the nearest lgbt support community. I don't have the courage to be judged again by the very (nearest local) lgbt community again for no being passable enough for them, or kissing the asses of those in charge. After all the struggles I've endured, my pride won't allow groveling for support.
It's not just that though. I've been rejected by family. I just started to engage with my fathers side of my family. Learning new things about my Native American ancestry I never knew. Learning more about the missing pieces of me. They discovered my transgender identity, and have shut me out. If I had known them enough to create a real bond, that would have hurt me -but as that may be, it still hurts. The brother I grew up with actually threatened me when I came out to him. I wasn't shocked by the threat made at me more than the realization that such a thing implies I mean little to him. At first I felt like I had little value as a person having family react this way, but their views are their own, and that is on them, not me. My mother does accept me completely. I'm so glad I have that bond intact.
There are ways I can adapt to those changes. As time goes on, and I get older, there is something that has been bothering a lot. Now that I'm making myself whole, I feel a need that I never had before for the reason being that before I accepted myself, that need wasn't conceivable.
That need is for companionship. Intimacy. Emotional, and physical. A basic human need that everyone has. Being where I live, I feel that chance to fulfill that need slipping away. Moving to a place where that might be a real option just isn't a option. Not for a long time. I have caregiver responsibilities that keep me where I live now. It's my choice. I'm learning to accept it.
Overall, I know the choices that are leading me to my truth are the right ones. I know life is challenging. Finding a way to overcome hurdles/losses has led me here to this site. Allowing me to express how I feel, right here and now. It is comforting. I know I have nothing to loose here. I appreciate that very much. Being able to say this is how I feel.
