Holding pattern

[Chloe2017]

Hello,

I posted an intro already, so I thought i'd pop my head in here to talk a bit more. I am having a hard time feeling comfortable in my man clothes, going to work, heading out socially or just to the shops where I am not able to be Chloe. I am not passable as i am, so not ready to go part-time, and a fair way off full-time Chloe unfortunately.

Yesterday I had something odd happen. Man clothes all through the week, and again on Saturday morning just to get shopping and social engagements done. We were preparing to visit my Wifes family, with whom I am Chloe, but I felt like my man clothes were dragging me down to the point where I believed that there was just no point in changing and being myself. My wife got angry at that, and rightly so, I was being foolish. I ended up changing "to spite her" ready to just get the day over with, but as soon as I was finished dressing I felt a tremendous calm, and happiness. I never believed clothes had such a dramatic effect. I have worn feminine articles beneath my man clothes, but it's just not the same feeling. What should I do to feel a little more comfortable when i have to wear my man clothes?

Also, my Wife is looking to talk to other partners of transgender women. She a bit stressed about the future, our children, and potential discrimination and harassment that we might endure later on when I am more public. Is the Significant others board in here a good place for me to direct her? Where else should we be looking? She is a wonderful person, incredibly supportive, and we love each other very much, so any advice we can get would be greatly appreciated.


Regards,
Chloe

[Chloe2017]

No pressure folks, but seriously i haven't had any responses in over 24 hours, and am feeling a little isolated, if this post is on the wrong board, please redirect me, but i would like some advice.

Regards,
Chloe

[Dena]

The post is in the correct areas but it's difficult to answer your questions. The SO board is a good place for your wife to explore. The staff allows SOs on the SO board to the freedom to express themselves freely and we will protect them from attacks. Sadly the board isn't as active as we would like but there are SOs who drop by from time to time.

It's difficult for us to know what will make you feel comfortable. Many people underdress wearing feminine underwear or leggings. Some use clear nail polish or colored polish on their toes. Others may wear feminine jeans and tops that are unisex. We can't tell how far you are willing to go.

[bobbisue]

    Hi Chloe I am not quite sure why some posts get huge responces and others not so much I have been away for the weekend I am just starting to go out in the world as myself I went shoe shopping in the city and carried my purse the first time for this the next day I went shopping at costco and walmart as myself then a fund raiser in my home town tomorrow I must go to the hospital and have the bandages removed from my surgery I dread having to get into male clothes for this , last weekend it took me half an hour just to put on a t-shirt and jeans to go to the store and then it really sucked the life out of me for hours after yet other times i can don mens clothing with no problems it may be due to how confident we feel in ourselfs at the time i have no answer but be thankful for your wife and others who support you and know it gets better

   bobbisue

[Amoré]

If I think back to early transition I can relate to what you are saying. The calm that female clothes brings. I think it is because it is feminine and we connect with it better. I hated going to work in male clothing and I just went because my work forced me too. When I get home off with the male clothes on with the makeup a pair of jeans and a nice blouse. I could not stand being in male clothes eventually. They tried to force me wearing traditional male clothes and threatened firing me because I dressed androgynous. They eventually just gave up and let me dress female because my boss told management that I look like a woman in male clothes.

For me feeling more comfortable was dressing androgynous.

I used to wear woman articles under my male clothes but that didn't help much.

My ex didn't tell me on what site she looked for support but it was not very positive support. It ended up having an even bigger negative effect on the relationship. So I would say susans is a good place but it would not maybe make it a safe place for you anymore because she would read your posts if she doesn't know you are on susans already.

[Annushka]

Hi, Chloe. (that's a beautiful name!)
I know exactly what you mean.
I am not out, just for my wife, parents and sister, but even for them I don't dress as a girl, because I am respecting my heterosexual wife's wishes. But I really can't use guys clothes anymore. It really hurts.

I've been changing my clothing slowly as far as it was accepted by my wife.
Nowadays, I use to wear girls' skinny jeans all the time. They make the legs look really beautiful and give me a great female feeling.

I've been using X-Lash or Nanolash for some time, to make eyelashes grow. It really works and the result is amazing! I'd definitely recommend that! I also like to use transparent mascara on my eyelashes... the effect is very subtle but works for me.

I have hair between medium male and short female, both ears pierced and I am also all the time using girls' accessories, like bracelets and something. 
About shirts, I mostly use girls' but not 100% girly, like female polos, short sleeved shirts and something...

So I guess I am more like Amoré mentioned she did in her beginning, being androgynous, but with tendency to female.
But, despite of that, I socially behave as a man would.  I think people who stares at me should say: "this is a definitely a gay guy", "this guy is weird" or maybe "this is an authentic guy"... but "guy, guy, guy"... I have to accept that for the moment.

But being on hormones and using girls' things definitely give a feminine aspect that for the moment works for me. Many of my child students use to ask me "are you a boy or a girl?" when we meet for the first time (blessed kids!).

So, based on my experience, I'd say you could try skinny jeans (if you are comfortable with that. Nowadays many guys use it so it is not a big deal unless you don't feel fine with that).
I'd also suggest you trying some eyelash growth serum and then trying transparent mascara. It gives a boost to the femininity of the eyes, but it is not really noticeable. You may look just like a guy with beautiful long eyelashes.

Maybe pink accessories (if you like the color) or other typical female thing like necklace could help you.

If you don't have it already, and it is not gonna be a professional problem for you, you may think about piercing maybe just one ear.

In the end, I believe it is about trying what works for you. But please for the sake of your marriage, talk to your wife about and before any changes. Go SLOW, give her time to psychologically adjust to your changes. For me, it has been working so far...

Hope something I said may help you! Best wishes!!!

[Amoré]

I just didn't care and wore makeup anyway. So I looked more like an androgynous girl than a guy. I even wore concealer and some mascara as a guy. Yes people stare and it made my ex very uncomfortable but I didn't care I was a real feminine guy anyway. I had to do this things to cope with my dysphoria.

I understand the need to go at your wife's pace also because it is a transition also for her. But for me I was take me as I am because you don't have much of a choice. She knew me as a feminine guy and that I was different from other men so she coped with it until a point where she was looking at other men and just wanted a normal manly man. I couldn't be that person. I wore nail polish and so on. For her all of this got too much and when I said I am transitioning I can't take this anymore staying a guy for her and my dad she left me.

So although I had to be a guy I was really feminine and that is just who I was. I couldn't go against my own nature and people did stare and other men did make fun of me. But I didn't care because it was just who I was.

[Chloe2017]

Thank you for sharing.
Oddly enough my wife is really encouraging. She wants me to be more visibly feminine around her and where I am comfortable, as it helps her to see how I envision myself. We know I don't look feminine so much but we both are looking at options for me in early transition, and for my wife to cope with the changes we will both face.

I'm not sure yet about growing my eyelashes, but clear polish, and toe nails might be worth looking at. I would love to try on some skinny jeans. Not sure if they'll suit my figure, but I definitely need to look at feminine androgynous style clothing. I hope to get my ears pierced when my hair grows enough to make it less obvious.

I am grateful just knowing I'm not the only one who had an awkward time with the prospect of going out in man clothes, after knowing the calm and happiness of women's clothing.

Annushka, Thank you so much for complementing my chosen name. My wife helped me choose it also. Names are funny things. We looked at it like choosing a child's name, names we like etc. But the name Chloe struck both of us when we saw it, and it really feels like my name. Especially more than my birth name. I've never heard the name Annushka before, where is it from?


Regards,
Chloe

[Amoré]

You sound like you have a pretty amazing wife.

[Chloe2017]

You sound like you have a pretty amazing wife.

Amoré, I think i do. But time tells with all things, We've been married nearly 6 years and together for 11. This is our biggest trial, but we believe that openness and honesty will get us through always. That might sound naive, but again time will tell.


Chloe

[Annushka]

Yeah, Amoré is right, Chloe. You surely have a wonderful wife!!! One more reason to include her in every decision you take.
And it is really touching to see the way you talk about her!! I really hope you two cope this hard trial and come out of it more strong as a couple than ever!!

My wife is also supportive, but at some point. She only supports me because she knows it makes me happy. Even though it makes her unhappy... She really doesn't want to see my as a girl and never asked my name, so I never told her. But on the other hand she even gifts me girls' t-shirts and accessories. And I'm the main beneficiary when she gives away clothes, purses and things she doesn't want anymore. 


Actually, my name is Anna. Annushka (Аннушка) is just a familiar Russian "short-form" of Anna. (btw, I'm not Russian).


Amoré... I really admire your determination! I wish I could be more like you, but I'm still scared to death about harassment and job issues. 
Did you work during your transition??