Hi, first of all I would like to excuse myself if I do not speak correctly or if some sentences seem odd to you, I am not English but I will try to do my best to be as fluid as possible using google translation.
What prevents me from transitioning is that first of all, gender dysphoria literally destroyed my inner be, I take it responsible for my poor condition.
I was 23 at the time (I am now 35), I had had a difficult begin in life, suffered agoraphobia, anxiety attacks with derealisation, violence when I was a child and absence of father among other. My brother was a schizophrenic and way latter he committed suicide, but at this time he was still alive and his disease was affecting me because I wanted him healed, but this would never happens. I was like you know, a Picasso painting, but thanks to my efforts I was about to win the battle against all this >-bleeped-<. I had a German Shepherd at the time which helped me going out and defeat my anxiety and I consequently met a girl which wanted to make her life with me, a pretty blond girl. But while I was seeing the end of the tunnel, dysphoria unveiled itself. It was like a curse, as if someone or something was plotting my destruction. At the beginning, I was not questioning much myself about it, I thought I had discovered the source of all my problems, I was simply in the wrong body and that explained everything. As the time passed, I was feminizing my appearance and she finally told me I was not a man. She left me soon after 3 years and a half and Dysphoria had all the space to develop itself, and that is what it did. It gently isolated me from others, even from my mom from who I was fleeing discussions. I began to buy girls clothes and to look at me in the mirror, more and more, and it became like a vicious circle. I was constantly trying to become more feminine. Is it that the way girls are ?
Whereas I had always seeked out for freedom I had become the subject of a mirror.
"Despite all my efforts to feminize myself, I still look as a man... It is so sad ! My hair line begins to recede. Should I take hormones ? I should take a decision fastly because it's going to be worst and worst..."
Then I began to convince myself I was trans. You know, I was like "I did not like playing football when I was a child" kind of arguments. But it did not work for I am too honest with myself for that.
After that, I began the yoyo of denial (bodybuilding, beard,...) but I never took a firm decision (I mean, irrevocable decision) about me transitioning or not.
My dysphoria, I call it the worm because I see it as something inside me trying to take control of my brain. Who's the real me ? The worm ? Or the guy I was before all this happened ? I don't know. How could this has been hidden from me for so long ?
I think for me transitioning would be an error, because it would trap myself into insatiable search for feminity which would lead me to many surgeries. And all this for what ? My body is altering as time goes, nothing can stop it.
I don't want transitioning because I would just like to have a normal life, because I am tired now and I don't want anymore fighting in my life.
I am not telling trans people doesn't exists, I know trans exists but I think that for me, it is not real gender dysphoria. I think real trans people does not need to convince themselves they are trans.
Regarding Walt Heyer, I have read many articles he wrote and it's clear the reason of him detransitioning was his son had denied him.
