My ex is changing

[Amoré]

Yesterday after rewriting about 4 emails and trying to send it to her after I wanted to tell my ex about how I disagree with her lifestyle and how she is raising my child I could not send the email. My fiance decided to call her and chat to her about everything.

The conversation was positive and she agreed that living situation is not ideal. But what really struck me is that instead of wanting to raise my child on her own and pushing our help away she actually wanted us to help. She wanted us to move closer so we can spend more time with my child and have my child sleep over also on week days. Another thing that struck me was that she all of a sudden became pro transition. She is supportive and even want to teach my child that I am momsy Amore now. She said papa is confusing her now because she relates that to males and I am not a man. After opposing my whole transition for so long she had a shift and now she is supportive.

I guess it is after I told her in an email that I am sorry for wasting 10 years of her life.

I realized that my ex is actually emotionally in trouble and I don't think she is dealing with the past in a very good way. It is worrying sometimes.I do care that she is doing okay because my child is staying with her.

I really don't know where all this is coming from all of a sudden.

I really don't understand how people can be friends with their ex after divorce and transition. I don't have a lucky situation like that. We find each others company awkward. We only discuss our child and that is it. I don't mind being a friend but she is the one with the problem still.

[Chloe2017]

I guess it is after I told her in an email that I am sorry for wasting 10 years of her life.

Amoré,
I don't know your ex but that right there will open a flood gate. No doubt she's been re-evaluating everything, it's great that she wants a closer connection with you especially for your childs sake. I hope that you can help her to move through those feelings.


Regards,
Chloe

[Amoré]

Amoré,
I don't know your ex but that right there will open a flood gate. No doubt she's been re-evaluating everything, it's great that she wants a closer connection with you especially for your childs sake. I hope that you can help her to move through those feelings.


Regards,
Chloe

I don't exactly desire a closer connection with her. I want to keep her at a distance I would maybe invite her in for a cup of coffee one day but that is far far away.Seeing that I am engaged and don't want her part of my new life. She would always be part of it in a way as we share a child. The idea is to have a closer connection with my child actually and I believe her being supportive would allow that in the future where she grows older that she isn't embarrassed about me and so on.

[Chloe2017]

Of course. I wasn't meaning you'd be besties or anything but just that maybe you could help her heal a little, and that you can both be less awkward when it comes to your child. Sorry if i didn't word that right.

[Amoré]

Of course. I wasn't meaning you'd be besties or anything but just that maybe you could help her heal a little, and that you can both be less awkward when it comes to your child. Sorry if i didn't word that right.

No problem. It would help if it could be less awkward I have my child Christmas this year and thought of inviting her over for dinner because she won't see her child on that day.

[Dena]

There is something that you might not be seeing. It's possible your child's total acceptance of you is teaching your ex that you aren't a bad person and have both their interests at heart. Sometimes in a divorce, one partners will attempt to poison a child against another parent. Your wife may realize that you haven't done that and have only the best interest of your child at heart.

Sounds to me like in the limited amount of time you have had with your child, you have been an excellent parent. Continue the good work and I hope you will continue to be rewarded for your efforts.

[Paige]

Hi Amoré,

I hope this continues and allows you more time with your child.  Being mature and caring has worked well for you. I would just stay the course and take it day to day.  You never know, you and your ex may someday be able to get past the past.  This would probably be very helpful for your child.  Hopefully your ex continues this course.

Take care,
Paige

[Amoré]

There is something that you might not be seeing. It's possible your child's total acceptance of you is teaching your ex that you aren't a bad person and have both their interests at heart. Sometimes in a divorce, one partners will attempt to poison a child against another parent. Your wife may realize that you haven't done that and have only the best interest of your child at heart.

Sounds to me like in the limited amount of time you have had with your child, you have been an excellent parent. Continue the good work and I hope you will continue to be rewarded for your efforts.

I was afraid of poisoning. But it doesn't seem to be the case. She seems really to have good intentions of creating a strong bond between me and my child. The only thing we must work on is the interactions between me and her mother as they are very awkward and if we find our self in the same room it is a dead silence. I don't know how to break the pattern of me having absolutely nothing to say to her.

[Dena]

Make a list of safe small talk. The weather, dinner, hows work, how is your daughter doing in school, your daughters friends or ask her how her day is gong. People do this all the time in a social environment where they meet somebody they may never see again and sometimes they don't even care about the answer. If you start talking, the conversation might move to something more important. If nothing else, your daughter will see that you are both civil to each other and will feel comfortable when she is around both of you.

[MistressStevie]

Civilized relations with an ex are valuable and worth cultivating.  Makes co-parenting much easier.   

If it costs a bit of time, effort, and uncomfort, that is trivial compared to the benefits.