The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)

[zirconia]

My sister has collected for years and her tastes are Waaaaaay darker than mine.  I like my darkness mixed with pixies and humor:)

Hi, Bari Jo
So—should I think of something like Puck in Berserk...?o(｀ω´ )o

[Roll]

So—something like Puck in Berserk?
o(｀ω´ )o

I suppose Berserk does have pixies. Man eating pixies that are actually human children turned into ravenous monsters even!

[zirconia]

Wow, loved reading that Zirconia! I had no idea they were using furigana during the Meiji period, I thought that was another post ww2 adaptation.

Yes, I originally thought so too. The more I learn of Japan's recent history the more interesting and surprising it gets. I've spoken with some really old people who already were adults during the war, and have sometimes been bewildered by the contrast of what they tell with what we were taught in school.

As an example, most accounts say that when Japan as a member of the League of Nations in 1919 proposed that the League agree that all members treat the people of all races and nationalities equally in every way, they only meant that Japan shouldn't be discriminated against. However, I was gently told that all people of the Japan's territories at the time had Japanese nationality, and the government was actually trying to practice what it preached. I at first thought that was just lingering propaganda, but e.g. the Taiwanese movie Kano by Chih-Hsiang Ma seems to support this version.

Anyway, the proposal was rejected and Japan resigned from the League. Had it been accepted, the Pacific War may never have happened, Martin Luther King might not have been assassinated, and we might not have manga or anime...

History can sometimes be quite interesting.

[Roll]

Well now, this is interesting... So I talked about my genetic profile I got back a few days ago already. I just ran it through a service that links the profile to likely genetic conditions. A few I actually already was aware of. But this, this is something else. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but it seems good considering my goals:



Gs151

CYP2C19 Intermediate Metabolizer.
Your body breaks down some medicines at a slightly slower than normal rate (which is represented by gs150). Individuals with gs152 genotypes have even slower metabolism.

anti-epileptics (such as diazepam, phenytoin, and phenobarbitone)
anti-depressants (such as amitriptyline and clomipramine)
anti-platelet drug clopidogrel (Plavix)
anti-ulcer proton pump inhibitors like omeprazole (trade names Losec and Prilosec), esomeprazole (trade name Nexium), and lansoprazole (Prevacid)
hormones (estrogen, progesterone).

Others include increased risk for obesity, type 2 diabetes, auto immune disorders, heart attacks, addiction, etc. Didn't need a genetics test to tell me those, heh, it's pretty well established. A few more interesting ones though...

rs1815739(C;C)
Better performing muscles. Likely sprinter.

rs2070744(T;T)
cardiovascular differences This is found in high frequency male athletes from power sports such as jumpers, throwers, and sprinters.

Gs159
Your CYP1A2 fast metabolizer status means that you are less stimulated by caffeine.  (I've never been affected by caffeine)


All in all, I'm impressed even if it was unnecessary with no real revelations. It matched my family history pretty dead on.

[Bari Jo]

Hi, Bari Jo
So—should I think of something like Puck in Berserk...?o(｀ω´ )o

I have not heard of it, but I'll look into it.  Ellie's description sounds like a lot fun.  I will look into it.

Interesting results on your genes too Ellie.  I want to try now.

Bari Jo

[Roll]

I have not heard of it, but I'll look into it.  Ellie's description sounds like a lot fun.  I will look into it.

Interesting results on your genes too Ellie.  I want to try now.

Bari Jo

Oh god. Going into Berserk blind is one of the most horrific experiences you will ever have.

[Bari Jo]

Oh god. Going into Berserk blind is one of the most horrific experiences you will ever have.

Now, is that like saying, I I double dog dare you to watch?  I will, looking now...



Bari Jo

[Faith]

Oh god. Going into Berserk blind is one of the most horrific experiences you will ever have.

I've been there a few times in my life. controlling it is part of what led me to holding everything in and burying it. 'short-tempered' doesn't begin to describe 'red-eyed berserker'

... ok, sorry for the interruption. Go back to um, whatever the heck it is that y'all are discussing ...

[Roll]

I've been struggling today, over stuff that maybe isn't really a big deal but... it's hitting me hard in a way that I'm not sure I've ever felt sad before. I think I understand the true difference between sadness and melancholy now. And what's truly terrible is I don't feel comfortable bringing up details here because this is a public forum. I am also not ready to breach this topic with family... Every so often I just begin to tear up, but I never start truly crying.

While there is far more to what is really bothering me(the part I don't feel I can state publicly), the bottom line though comes down to wondering if people who have known me for a long time will ever be able to see as simply a girl. Because I truly don't know. Transitioning young... going from teens into an adult switching presented genders, I could see it. But having that adult life (however pathetic it may have been) as a guy just... taints it. Or at least I feel like it does in my case.

What hurts even more is that I am trying to think about it from my own perspective, and if I'm being honest, I just don't know if I could separate my two disparate views of someone else. (Say if a friend I had always known as male were to come out and transition, and I was a person exclusively attracted to women, and then ask me out... would I be able to date them without seeing the guy? That sort of thing. I'd like to think I could, but I just don't know for sure, and my own concerns about myself that are plaguing me at the moment feed into that.)

[VickyS]

What hurts even more is that I am trying to think about it from my own perspective, and if I'm being honest, I just don't know if I could separate my two disparate views of someone else. (Say if a friend I had always known as male were to come out and transition, and I was a person exclusively attracted to women, and then ask me out... would I be able to date them without seeing the guy? That sort of thing. I'd like to think I could, but I just don't know for sure, and my own concerns about myself that are plaguing me at the moment feed into that.)

Well, I have known one transwoman as a guy for about 10 years.  I did not pick up on any signs apart from her growing her hair out.  Then suddenly the revelation was made and I ran a mile.  I just could not deal with it (my own internal issues causing me to panic no doubt).  Then as more time passed I spoke to her a few times and everything was fine.  Now I just see her as her, 'him' doesn't ever cross my mind. Thinking about it, I see them as two separate people.  Not that I would ever plan on dating her for a variety of reasons but if i did theoretically, I would see her and not him as that's a separate person to me. I think I have known her as a transwoman for maybe 8 years now. Hope this helps a little.      I know that's just me and you might be different, but also sexuality can be a little fluid sometimes, especially if love and hormones are in the mix. 

[Sarah_P]

Well, I've had a friend flat out tell me he doesn't think he'll ever truly see me as a woman. We'll see. I'll give him plenty of time to come around, though I'm not sure how problematic it'll be. Plus I had that incident back in November when I got mad at another friend for misgendering me (for the umpteenth time) in public. I know it's just taken him time to understand & accept my changes, but at the time it truly felt like a betrayal, like he didn't really care about my feelings or worse- thought it was a joke.
Yet, I've got a couple other friends that instantly accepted it, and have been very good at gendering me correctly. Whether they truly see me as a woman yet, I can't say. And that's the thing, we can't really control what other people think, we can only hope we can help them understand. It really comes down to the individual person. You'll find people that accept you wholly, and others that don't. The latter ones may stay with you anyway, or you might drift apart. It's the unfortunate price we pay to finally be at peace with &/or find happiness for ourselves. It's the very reason there are many who don't transition because they can't bear to lose a loved one.

Personally, I've barely had anything resembling a life. Few friends, barely any family contact, generally kept to myself (even online). I'm not sure I'd say having been seen as male taints anything, since I never really was, or tried to be (however you go about doing that).

As for the situation you describe, I'd like to think I'd see the other person as whatever their preferred gender. Right now, I can say definitely. If I wasn't trans myself & understood what it's like, I really don't know. I think it's something that just takes time. In some cases (mine included) others notice that their trans friend is so much happier after transitioning, that acceptance comes pretty easily.

Anyway... I don't know if I'm making any sense or just rambling (I've been sick the last few days). Make of it what you will.

[Roll]

Well, I did my first laser today! Went great, even if the travel time really sucked. (3+ hours on the road when I don't do well in cars to begin with.) 15 minutes after paper work, virtually pain free except a few spots. Didn't even tear up.

Another interesting note that I think is kinda cool... So with the DNA test stuff, there is a section that connects you to relatives based on shared DNA. My first cousin is on there, but no one else I actually know. Well, there is one girl I had 1% shared with, potential 3rd cousin, whose biography says she is looking for her birth father, and it looks like I'm one of the highest %s she's had pop up on the service even if just the 1%. Other shared DNA points it to being a link through my dad's side (specifically evidencing his mom's), and my dad actually has good records for the family. I messaged the woman, on the off chance I could help with any information in her search. It's a long shot for sure, but it would be really awesome if I could help her, and I'm excited about the prospect.

[Julia1996]

Well, I did my first laser today! Went great, even if the travel time really sucked. (3+ hours on the road when I don't do well in cars to begin with.) 15 minutes after paper work, virtually pain free except a few spots. Didn't even tear up.

Another interesting note that I think is kinda cool... So with the DNA test stuff, there is a section that connects you to relatives based on shared DNA. My first cousin is on there, but no one else I actually know. Well, there is one girl I had 1% shared with, potential 3rd cousin, whose biography says she is looking for her birth father, and it looks like I'm one of the highest %s she's had pop up on the service even if just the 1%. Other shared DNA points it to being a link through my dad's side (specifically evidencing his mom's), and my dad actually has good records for the family. I messaged the woman, on the off chance I could help with any information in her search. It's a long shot for sure, but it would be really awesome if I could help her, and I'm excited about the prospect.

What information does this genetic testing provide? I've had genetic testing but I never got the interesting results you've had, only that I have a genetic defect that caused my albinism. I had this total dork of a doctor tell that like it was a big news flash when I was 16. I was going to say something smart ass to him but my dad beat me to it. He said " you figured that out huh? I'm so glad you told us, we might never have known otherwise ". It's a little scary to realize some drs are total idiots.

[Sarah_P]

That's really sweet of you to help her! All this DNA talk makes me actually interested for the first time in investigating mine. Can't really spare the fee for a while, though.

[Roll]

What information does this genetic testing provide? I've had genetic testing but I never got the interesting results you've had, only that I have a genetic defect that caused my albinism. I had this total dork of a doctor tell that like it was a big news flash when I was 16. I was going to say something smart ass to him but my dad beat me to it. He said " you figured that out huh? I'm so glad you told us, we might never have known otherwise ". It's a little scary to realize some drs are total idiots.

23andme is what I used. The main service identifies commonalities with regional populations (the european break down for instance). Then for a lot extra at 23andme or by using a different service thats cheaper (promothease) you can get your medical genetic stuff. For 23andme the main service also has other people who have submitted their dna and compares it to yours. Like my first cousin came up for instance.

[Roll]

2 months. 2 whole months. Part of me can't believe it has been so long, while another part of me is just sad it hasn't been longer. So yeah. I've been stuck in a weird place lately, spoke to a few people about it, still not sure I should say anything publicly. It has sapped some of my enthusiasm and let my fears and issues with self image take control. But in a weird way, it's progress.

Anyway! TWO MONTHS! Time for a change record!

First, HRT followup next Thursday (following my birthday on Wednesday!), so I'll get the lab order then and hopefully get some numbers to share on hormone levels.

I'll start with the non-HRT specific stuff this time:
- Weight down to 206 last I weighed. A bit of a surprise, but i have been going heavily on my little under the desk bicycle thing (as much as 1k calories a day everyday), so I suppose it shouldn't be.
- Hair regrowth going well. Slowed down a bit, but that was expected. I'm about 7 months on Finasteride, and have been told that should give it at least a year. I am considering doing a consult locally to see what the costs might be doing a transplant now, so I can get stuff going though. I'd feel so much more comfortable about everything without having to wear wigs sooner.
- Had my first laser on beard, went perfectly. Going back on march... Uhhh, 12th I think?
- Much more comfortable driving (even though I still don't like it), and able to get around almost anywhere on my own now, and have driven interstate a bit even. Should be good to go on travel for laser without relying on others beyond borrowing car.
- Started using castor oil on hair and eyelashes, it is a huge difference. My lashes are looking so much better, hoping it's doing the same for scalp hair even if not as readily visible.

And to the HRT front:
- Aside from briefly, haven't had much more pain in breasts. I know stuff is happening, I can feel the little lumps and the nipples are doing... stuff, but I just am not feeling it like so many people say they do. Not sure what is old moobs and new foobs.
- Skin is crazy soft. If it gets softer still like so many people say it will continue to, I'm going to be the softest person in the history of the world. WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME.
- Body hair definitely reduced. Still there, and as I've said before was heavy to start with so reduced for me doesn't mean all that much, but 100% positively reduced and growing slower.
- Okay so. Still not fully comfortable talking about this sort of thing, but... in the name of science. Sexual function has been fully retained so far, but there is no longer the feeling of need, it's just sort of something I can do if I feel like it. The *ahem*... ejaculate, is entirely clear and watery. Guess that means I'm probably approaching sterile...
- Not sure if this is HRT, psychological/emotional changes, or what, but... I definitely have feelings I wasn't feeling before, or at least haven't for a long time. They are both simultaneously pleasant and heartbreaking. Romantic loneliness is now something that shapes a lot of my thoughts, for better or worse.

Lastly, not transition related in the slightest, but it also bears mentioning that Black Panther was an amazing movie and Michael B. Jordan won the MCU. (I couldn't leave on that loneliness bit, now could I? )

[Sarah_P]

I can't tell how soft my skin is right now, it's so dry all the time. I moisturize 3 times a day and just can't keep up. Come summer & the unbearable humidity kicks in I'll know for sure.

Congrats on everything! See? All it takes is patience! ..... having to be being patient really sucks though. 

[Cassi]

2 months. 2 whole months. Part of me can't believe it has been so long, while another part of me is just sad it hasn't been longer. So yeah. I've been stuck in a weird place lately, spoke to a few people about it, still not sure I should say anything publicly. It has sapped some of my enthusiasm and let my fears and issues with self image take control. But in a weird way, it's progress.

Anyway! TWO MONTHS! Time for a change record!

First, HRT followup next Thursday (following my birthday on Wednesday!), so I'll get the lab order then and hopefully get some numbers to share on hormone levels.

I'll start with the non-HRT specific stuff this time:
- Weight down to 206 last I weighed. A bit of a surprise, but i have been going heavily on my little under the desk bicycle thing (as much as 1k calories a day everyday), so I suppose it shouldn't be.
- Hair regrowth going well. Slowed down a bit, but that was expected. I'm about 7 months on Finasteride, and have been told that should give it at least a year. I am considering doing a consult locally to see what the costs might be doing a transplant now, so I can get stuff going though. I'd feel so much more comfortable about everything without having to wear wigs sooner.
- Had my first laser on beard, went perfectly. Going back on march... Uhhh, 12th I think?
- Much more comfortable driving (even though I still don't like it), and able to get around almost anywhere on my own now, and have driven interstate a bit even. Should be good to go on travel for laser without relying on others beyond borrowing car.
- Started using castor oil on hair and eyelashes, it is a huge difference. My lashes are looking so much better, hoping it's doing the same for scalp hair even if not as readily visible.

And to the HRT front:
- Aside from briefly, haven't had much more pain in breasts. I know stuff is happening, I can feel the little lumps and the nipples are doing... stuff, but I just am not feeling it like so many people say they do. Not sure what is old moobs and new foobs.
- Skin is crazy soft. If it gets softer still like so many people say it will continue to, I'm going to be the softest person in the history of the world. WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME.
- Body hair definitely reduced. Still there, and as I've said before was heavy to start with so reduced for me doesn't mean all that much, but 100% positively reduced and growing slower.
- Okay so. Still not fully comfortable talking about this sort of thing, but... in the name of science. Sexual function has been fully retained so far, but there is no longer the feeling of need, it's just sort of something I can do if I feel like it. The *ahem*... ejaculate, is entirely clear and watery. Guess that means I'm probably approaching sterile...
- Not sure if this is HRT, psychological/emotional changes, or what, but... I definitely have feelings I wasn't feeling before, or at least haven't for a long time. They are both simultaneously pleasant and heartbreaking. Romantic loneliness is now something that shapes a lot of my thoughts, for better or worse.

Lastly, not transition related in the slightest, but it also bears mentioning that Black Panther was an amazing movie and Michael B. Jordan won the MCU. (I couldn't leave on that loneliness bit, now could I? )

Thank you for your update Ellie!!!!!
It's like having a crystal ball so I can get a glimpse of what the future will be.

[Laurie]

Hi Ellie,

  It looks like a pretty normal update to me. Keep going girl.

[Julia1996]

I'm glad you're responding so well to hrt. There are a lot more to come. The soft skin is an important change. Soft skin is something that really differentiates male and female. I can tell you from experience, having touched a lot of guys that even if he isn't hairy, most guys skin is no where near as soft as a woman's. (Yeah I know, I was a little HO before I met Tristan) . For occasions when you want to be even softer, like for a hookup,
use a coffee or salt scrub in the shower . In time your ejaculate will stop all together. I think maybe that has something to do with the much longer orgasm that occurs after being on hrt for a while. You will also be able to become extremely aroused without any erection and morning erections will be just an unpleasant memory.

Enjoy all the changes. You're going to experience a lot more.😊