Oh, before I say what I'm about to, re: the pictures I mentioned last post, they did not turn out too well unfortunately. At least I don't think they did. So yeah, not posting those.
Anyway. Bit of a downer post tonight. Long story short, I feel like I'm being pushed out of the house by everyone before I think I'll be ready, both emotionally and for logistics. I pushed my sister to be straight forward about her feelings with everything, and she said she wanted to have her final weeks before going off just her and her mom basically. Which... it's not that I don't understand that, and she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but it did hurt nonetheless. Her mom was already pushing it a bit, and I don't know if that comes from her or my sister now. My dad is being spineless about it as per usual and just agrees with whoever he is talking to at any given time.
It sort of stirred up a lot of fears I have, the big one of which is... Jesus, I'm just so incredibly lonely. I feel so isolated most of the time. I do everything in my power to try to help and not get in the way, but yet time and again stuff comes up that makes me feel like I'm just not wanted. And with my step mom's surgery and all that (after her surgery last Tuesday, the results are clear on everything BTW), I don't want to be too ... I dunno, it's definitely not a good time to stir any emotional pots.
I keep my mouth shut to avoid drama, I don't need any more in my life and i also don't want to alienate anyone who is in theory planning to pay my rent for while I finish school (time will tell how reliable that is, I'm thinking not very). The truth I just want to scream. Every time I hear someone say "spend time with _____ before ______" (be it moving, college, surgery, vacation, whatever...) I just want to remind them of what they took from me and my brother when we were kids (divorce). Remind everyone that sure, it sounds all neat and symmetric that my sister is the "last one out", but so what? What about what the hell I needed at even younger ages? What about what the hell my brother needed even younger than that? Remind them of all the times I was ignored and treated like garbage. The endless "we're coming to visit this weekend" from my dad. Which then became "next weekend". And then "next weekend". And every time I would do what I could to crawl out of my anxiety and agoraphobia just for a quick dinner, only to find out last minute "next weekend". All culminating in the greatest blow of all, as they would then show up without warning, stop by to see my other brother who lived near me and my mom, and never even tell me they were there. I'd find out later of course, with some lame excuse about being a hurry. I want to scream about the years of pain and agony as I struggled with my issues without any support from anyone but my mom basically since I was 15. About how I never once, in my entire goddamn life, was the first blank in the "spend time with _____" scenario.
I don't think any of this is even a secret. I think they just don't care. They do what they want to do. They literally sneak out behind my back on things. "Family" dinners out to eat that apparently don't mean all family. I have literally heard my dad and step mother say "we're going to run errands" only for them to come back an hour later after meeting up with my sister (after school/work/etc usually) for dinner. No errands. No roundabout trips. They just plain didn't want to invite me. Aside from a single dinner for my sister's graduation celebration, I literally don't think I've shared a meal with anyone else here aside from my step brother (whole different can of worms there) that wasn't freaking
me cooking up a meal in an attempt to try to not be a burden because I'm apparently in such desperate need of validation I don't take the freaking hint when I'm kicked in the gut repeatedly.
And when I truly need people, I feel abandoned. I KNEW this would happen, I KNEW it. But yet I'm still somehow surprised. So my hair transplants are next Friday. I have to be there first thing in the morning (like 7 AM) and its a few hours away, so I have to stay a hotel right near there the night before. The problem is I can't drive myself back because of the nitrous and other medicines. (Plus I don't know what the situation will be just in general in terms of pain or discomfort, and I'm an inexperienced enough driver even minor irritations might be too much on the interstate.) For a while now it's been "Oh, we can all go spend the evening up there and have a mini vacation then bring you back in the morning!". I even planned to hopefully spend the day fully female because it may be my last chance for a bit until the transplants heal a little. Nope. Now it's basically someone, still unclear who, dropping me off so I can sit in a hotel room alone all evening, and maybe then me paying another night for a hotel room just to hang out in it for a few hours past check out while someone picks me up. Odds are they are pawning me off on my step brother (the only person worse off here than me, but he does a lot of that to himself so I won't even go into that).
God, the more I've typed, which I really didn't even begin to intend to go into all of that, the more I want to just move now if it was logistically possible.
I just don't understand it all. I haven't since the day I came down here after my mom died. This is not how I was raised. This is not how my mom was at all. My mom welcomed everyone for everything, did everything in her power to help out everyone who needed it at all times. I didn't understand how wonderful that truly was, and I took it for granted. I regret turning her down on every meal out, on every little thing, even if it was born of severe anxiety/agoraphobia(rooted in the suppressed gender expression).
I'm just... god, I'm just fundamentally lonely.
