<3 for the replies and messages everyone, I needed that boost.
I'm better today, I'm actually surprised I posted what I did last night. I was on an emotional downward spiral and stuff just sort of poured out I had no intention of talking about. (I think it's sort of funny I said "the hell I needed" then again for my brother, as I distinctly remember trying to say "the hell I went through" and somehow in my state at the time I merged it into "help I needed".)
But I spoke with my dad a bit last night after posting that for about half an hour or so, maybe a little longer I'm not really clear on time. Some of what he said helped, but at the same time he just seemed to be completely missing the point of the majority of it. (Ie: He would focus on specific examples and explaining those, rather than hear that it wasn't any one thing, it was the overall picture.) I also didn't care to hear his stock platitudes he has said to me and my younger brother since everything started, because nothing has ever come of them.
Mostly I realized what ultimately was truly bothering me during the conversation though: I have spent my entire life powerless. I lived at the whim of others, both due to my legitimate issues with depression and agoraphobia as well as external factors. But the why doesn't matter, what matters is I've never had control over my own life. So about 2 years ago I decided something for myself: When my sister went off to college, I was moving out. That was my decision. No one was telling me I had to leave, no one was kicking me out. It was a choice I made, for me. Now that we are approaching that point, I feel like that decision, that precious control over my own life, has been taken away from me. I am no longer operating on my schedule, based on my choice, but I'm being pushed to operate based the desire of others. It is went from me making an independent decision about my future, and leaving on my own terms, to that feeling of being forced out. It makes me truly angry that this has happened. How quick they were to forget that this was my choice. No one ever said I had to leave when I planned to, I chose that. Not for them, for me. I desperately need that independence, that autonomy, that control over my own destiny for a change if I am going to continue with my life coming from a happy, healthy place.
What really frustrates me the more I think about it, is that they are not dealing with my step-brother on the same thing at all. And he has no plans and nowhere to go. The odds of him staying here just so he isn't homeless for weeks or months after my sister is gone are quite assured. So what exactly is the difference to them if I'm here an extra week based on my original intentions? It just... ugh. All they had to do is not say anything and let me get my stuff in order, and this would all be fine. Instead (the two highly trained psychiatrists I might add!) decided they would hamstring me on my way out the door. That's just plain stupid.
I remember now my mom over the years learning one simple truth: The more she told me I had to do things, that things had to operate on this time frame, or include this or that... the less likely it was going to happen. Not because of me being obstinate, but because it was generating a sense of powerlessness that triggered my anxiety which would in term prevent me from doing anything. If she left me to my own devices on certain decisions, they would get done above and beyond in a far more reliable and timely fashion, AND I would feel outright good about doing those things as I had a feeling of accomplishment.
