The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)

[Katie Jade]

Loving your story Ellie, I really wish you all the best for your transplants tomorrow. Yet another step, you are really becoming quite an inspiration.
Lots of Hugz
Katie

[Roll]

I'll keep this brief as my head is starting to pound a bit.

I'm told the transplants went well. They focused on thickening up top of scalp, and unfortunately ran out before filling in the crown. That bothers me a good bit, but I'm trying to trust their judgement because they kept saying that with the longer on top, once style over it the crown is not even seen at all. Plus, I have enough there it won't be obvious as bare skin I guess, and I'll hopefully continue to have more growth with everything I'm taking.

Yesterday I didn't post because .... Oh my god. I was thinking "hair transplants, how bad could it be? People are sent home driving after". Turns out the answer was "Way worse than you think". If anyone drives after what I just did unless they are 10 minutes away, they are freaking nuts. I was in no condition to stand, much less drive. (Torrents of rain on the interstate coming back too, so who knows what would have happened had I been, even just with the distractions from the strip site pounding a bit much less being definitively high still.) Maybe it was because I'm such a light weight with everything (never abused any drugs in my life/etc.). I was going on no sleep too so that didn't help.

It's also been shown once again that if I were to drink, I'd probably be one of those super loving and emotional drunks because I just bawled my eyes out the entire ride home talking to my dad. Not even like disjointed drunk conversation, I just poured my heart out with everything I felt and how grateful I've been.

I wasn't comfortable and my thoughts became super disjointed later on (lots of pain killers + coming off valium and possibly residual nitrous + anesthesia fully leaving), but I was relatively lucid. The only truly terrible moment was when my dad said the anesthesia and other stuff just sort of wore off, and I immediately went into a massive sweat and felt like I was dying. It faded after about 5 minutes. I realized later that was how my mom described feeling... almost every second of every day. I'll be very honest, it helped me understand assisted suicide a bit better, something I've always been against (or at least skeptical of). But that feeling I had for those 5 minutes... if that is someone's entire existence... I can't even begin to imagine. Sorry, didn't mean to get too morbid there, I'm still on pain killers so I'll blame those.

[Sarah_P]

Congrats! You'll be styling that gorgeous hair before you know it!

[davina61]

Now I am jealous, stuck here in a wig. Well done dear lets hope it grows fast and you will be posting what style do you think suits me!!!

[Allison S]

Hey, just keep your head held high. Like Danielle said, it's how we respond to others that holds the real power. No one can take your voice away from you unless you let them. I don't come from privelege or with any advantage in life and my family is..what it is. But I think our present and future is what we truly have access to.
Good luck with your hair transplants and I hope that you find your strength.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Megan.]

Yay! Well done on getting through that, it's not that fun is it!

Plenty of patience now  and hopefully you'll reap the rewards of your efforts. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Roll]

THE ITCHING. THE ITTTTTCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.

[Megan.]

[emoji853], sry sweetie.

Some clinics recommend spraying the area with a mist of water,  are you allowed to do that?

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Dena]

THE ITCHING. THE ITTTTTCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.

That's a good thing. It means it's healing and it didn't die off. I see a much fuller head of hair in your future. 

[Rachel]

Congratulations, make sure you cover your pillow tonight so you do not get blood on it.

I had two rounds of grafts, 3500 and 3000. I had the second grafts done in I think October and they are coming in nicely, it was the crown area. If you need more than you can go back later.

Hair will make a huge difference. You will need a whole bunch of patience but it will pay off in the end.

[Roll]

I won't be able to afford more for years unfortunately, this was already a huge risk that really tapped out my resources. :/ I'm praying I didn't make a huge mistake.

I've only had the tiniest amount of bleeding from the donor area, none from the graft area. My dad said looks like the Dr. did an amazing job suturing so that's a good sign I guess?

[Roll]

[emoji853], sry sweetie.

Some clinics recommend spraying the area with a mist of water,  are you allowed to do that?

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Yeah, they gave me a saline water spray bottle I use hourly. Still itches.

[Laurie]

Yeah, they gave me a saline water spray bottle I use hourly. Still itches.

  I've heard that rubbing or packing with dry salt cures meat...... perhaps if you umm ahh... Oh never mind. Hope it gets easier soon Ellie.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Roll]

I am all over the place emotionally still since the transplants, but I don't really know why. I just sat in bed and cried last night. I think even though there is no way logically it would have ever been anything remotely similar to a magic bullet, I think I wrapped myself up too heavily in the prospect of the transplants and the reality of still looking at months to even begin growth is hitting me, much less wondering where I'll be in 2 years or if it will even matter in the end because of what they couldn't do. Meanwhile, my safety net is depleted.

Then there is the feeling of loss... I went out for the first time interacting with people last Tuesday. It was wonderful. But now... now it will be weeks before I can even attempt that again, since they said no wig for at least two weeks and keep it on for as little as possible. I wanted to get dressed up for the Augusta pride thing, but I don't think the heat and wig will be good for the transplants... at least for the day time event...

And my stupid freaking weight just won't budge. I should be losing 1-2 pounds a week easily, but I'm going on probably 8 months with no real shifts. I just don't know what to do differently. I can't even exercise more because 1) for the next few weeks they said do not do anything that will make you sweat (bad for transplants) and 2) (not sure if I've mentioned this) I've now developed a really bad morton's neuroma in my left foot that is just agonizing to walk or run on, I barely make it through dog walks even with proper foot protection.

[Katie Jade]

Congrats on the hair, sorry its not comfortable - keep posting then I know what I'm letting myself in for..
All will be OK in the end and you will be more gorgeous than before and you know it.
Keep the faith sister and endure for that day when you know its worth it. I don't think that's too far off though for you in particular.
You will be glad you did this when you were young in a few years. A few weeks healing is nothing and will only give you more appetite to go out as yourself anyway so be careful not to over do it when you do, be safe. Can you use a headscarf/band at all for your Pride day? You know no one will mind and many will admire you for it.
Keep going sister,
Luv n Hugz
Katie

[Sarah_P]

Congrats on the hair, sorry its not comfortable - keep posting then I know what I'm letting myself in for..
All will be OK in the end and you will be more gorgeous than before and you know it.
Keep the faith sister and endure for that day when you know its worth it. I don't think that's too far off though for you in particular.
You will be glad you did this when you were young in a few years. A few weeks healing is nothing and will only give you more appetite to go out as yourself anyway so be careful not to over do it when you do, be safe. Can you use a headscarf/band at all for your Pride day? You know no one will mind and many will admire you for it.
Keep going sister,
Luv n Hugz
Katie

A head scarf is a great idea! You'd just have to worry about sweating too much in the heat.

I know it's hard to sit and wait, but they say good things come to those who do, and in his case it's entirely correct.

[Roll]

So after casually mentioning the way I'm feeling to my dad and step-mom, they both instantly said "Prednisone". They asked if I was on something like 5mg daily, looked and I'm at 10mg twice a day and they were a bit shocked. I seriously have never felt depressed like this before, not even when my mom was sick/dying. There's not really sadness involved, just pure, raw depression. The timing with starting the post-op meds makes sense too. Oh well... just two more days worth of it to take...

[Roll]

6 Months. It has now been half a year since I started hormones. Before I get into the six month mark changes explicitly, here's a brief spiel about the malaise surrounding me the past week...

So... Well, I'm better. Better is relative, I'm not great, but I'm better. I am now done with most of the post transplant medications, and just knowing that has been a huge relief in and of itself even if they haven't physically left my system yet. I finally took my cat to the vet today, and turns out my worrying about that was for nothing as well: he's disturbingly healthy considering he is apparently 19 years old by their records, which means I had him earlier than I was remembering though it does still fit in the general time frame of what house I was in and all that at the time. So probably accurate. He has lost a lot of weight and definitively has bad arthritis, but it was all in normal aging range.

I think things are finally starting to move along in the website development project I got stuck doing, and my capstone project is... well, it's stressful and consumes every minute of my waking day, but frankly it is looking really, really damn good.

I bought a dress and shoes for New York trip in July that I look good in, gotta get a few more pieces of the ensemble, that will be amazing for a nice dinner at whatever the restaurant is there that is some sort of tradition before a show and then seeing Hamilton in style. I need a cover for shoulders, my sister is dead set on a shear, long kimono type thing, but we are having trouble finding one that works.

But, as I said, I'm just "better". There's still a lot of really negative things around me at the moment that are weighing me down, and I'm struggling. Top of the list is that I now have developed major problems in both my feet. One might be the medications (swelling), I'm waiting and seeing but the other is definitively Morton's neuroma. Gotta figure something out there, I'm going to a freaking march and then walking around New York... So yeah.

Ok, moving on. SIX MONTH UPDATE. The big half birthday. The... ... uhh... half... of a year. Wow, that fizzled quickly.

HRT Related Changes:
- Boobs. Not proportional yet, this has been the most obvious development of late, but I am a full and clear large A approaching small B. Wearing female cut shirts really highlights it nicely.
- Figure. Not perfect, and most of it is illusion with pulling pants around "love handles" looking like hips, but wearing women's cut jeans and shirts I look like I have a super feminine figure now.
- Body hair... uhhh, hard to tell at this point if it's reduced anymore. Definitely still there and definitely still a problem though.
- Sex Drive. Wow, that's gone. I almost didn't even remember to include in the update. I don't think I've... uh. "Done things" in a few weeks now. Probably also the medications and stress though.
- Probably combo of other meds and HRT, hair (separate from transplants) continues to thicken and all a good bit. I dunno how far it will go, or if with the transplants it will be enough, but it's better. Of course, again, I run into that better is a relative term. If it's good enough, time will tell.

Not Specifically HRT Related:
- Now at 5 lasers on face. With recovery period I haven't shaved but like once since my last laser, which was 8 days ago, but it's definitely not what it used to be. Still far thicker than I'd like it to be at this point, but then I started out absurdly thick beard.
- 2250 hair grafts, courtesy of the unfortunately named Dr. Finger. Filled out top of head, didn't reach crown. Time will tell.

[MaryT]

You are understandably suffering from a lot of stress and discomfort but from the point of view of someone who does not have to feel the pain (me) things seem to be going well for you.  You look great.  Happy for your cat, too.

I hope that your feet get better before he NY trip.

[Roll]

Of course. It can't ever just be a slightly better day. I was finally moving upward out of my crap of late, and this happened. So last Thursday, walking around the historic part of Savannah, GA the night before my transplants, I found a pair of earrings in a jewelry store that were perfect. I mean perfect. Amethyst in silver, my birthstone and the colors that work best for me all in one.



My stepmother was with me when I bought them and wasn't sure about the rectangular shape, but when I tried them on she and everyone else around agreed it is if the shape and look were tailor made for me. They have literally been perhaps the single bright spot in my mood in the past week, as I'd put them on in lieu of being able to dress properly or even wear wig. Price was right too, one of the cheaper things in the store at $30 (most of the store was extremely high end). I instantly became emotionally attached. Partly because of how much they suited me, partly because of how I recognized it when others did not even just looking at them, and partly because it is the first piece of jewelry I've bought in person that was at an honest to god jewelry store and not a $5 per popup place outside of Panera or at a fair.

So, as you can see in the picture... Now there's just one. I was taking off my shirt to try on everything with new shoes and dress, in my improving mood thinking maybe I finally had an outfit together I could feel... I dunno. Elegant. Not like a jackass who is just wearing women's t-shirts and jeans, but something undeniably and truly feminine and affirming. Anyway, apparently the shirt caught and flung it somewhere. I found the back instantly, which is really weird because that is the hard part. I have now been searching for two and a half hours straight, and I can't find the earring itself. I dropped the other one as a sound test and I 100% would have heard the sound it makes on the hardwood, so it landed in something. The problem is, I am of course in the process of sorting and selling a massive collection of crap... And I was standing next to the open boxes when it happened...

I dunno why this is hitting me so hard, it's just an earring. It's not even the money, they aren't expensive. I've had them for a whole 8 days, no history there. But it has been absolutely devastating emotionally nonetheless.

Edit: I think I know why they mean so much to me. They were the capstone of the incredible day I had last Thursday. It feels like so long ago, this past week has been such a bad one. That's a weird thought. Incredible day last Thursday. 8 whole days. Why the hell do I feel like it has been an eternity of everything being terrible when it was barely over a week since that experience?