Good morning Friends,
The recent and largest survey of transgender people in the USA was very revealing to me as more than a third of the respondents self identified as Non Binary. That 2015 study represents a cultural sea change from my past perspectives as a life long queer trans person and community activist.
My initial efforts to understand why I felt so alone and alienated were hampered by the few transgender resources available back in the 50s thru the 90s. Those 40 years of wandering in the desert included being part of the queer community where i met and knew other transgender people. Their personal narratives were compelling but I found no fit as I did not feel their expressed certainty that I was truly a girl/woman in a boy/mans body.
Like so many of us I had the "assigned at birth" gender label that never fit but did my best to cope after a failed puberty did not change me into a girl that i secretly and foolishly hoped for. Talk about wishful thinking huh?
So part of my coping was to man up, deny, distract and you know the rest. Dysphoria predictably got worse even as i became more androgynous in my presentation and privately cross dressed. Most people assumed I was just gay since I had boyfriends but since I was married to a woman i was also assumed to be in deep denial. I went to see the mental health people early on but transgender was not on their radar and while i did not feel at all like a man i did not also claim to be a woman. My orientation is and was Bi or pansexual. I am a person more than feeling a man or woman. I have a female identity on my official documents as it was closest to what was once available. I'm not sure if having the now available X as my gender marker would really help either. We cope with where we are today and change remains the constant truth.
I finally met and heard a Non Binary trans person give a Trans 101 Presentation and was blown away. that was 2012. My cover was gone and i initially felt naked, angry and afraid of the truth i was sure would end life as i knew it. With an experienced gender therapist and supportive spouse i arrived at self acceptance and my genie was released from her bottle. Wow! Liberation!
Yes, life was over as i once knew it. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. A weight i never appreciated until it was gone. I felt free and euphoric and came out (again) to the world as transgender.
My transgender identity and transition came with an asterisk. 50 plus years of socialization and a lived experience as a boy and man were not going to evaporate. No amount of transition, surgery or HRT would eliminate the physical traits, mannerisms or voice i have earned over the decades. I accepted that and vowed to embrace my whole life rather than have the past simply being dead and gone. Still I feared the reactive pitchforks and torches of discrimination would come for me. Our fears fill volumes here but that's another story eh?
I worked through my Non Binary identity with many of you on these pages and in real life with support groups and good friends. There was a time here when some of us felt estranged from each other and harsh words and disrespect ensued. We are a better Place now, I believe, because of those discussions that could shine a light on different and equally valid perspectives. I still meet other transgender folks who claim I am doing it "wrong" or suggest I am somehow less than for not doing this or that with my transition. The worse public dressing down I ever got was from another trans woman. "OMG the way you walk and talk is so...." Is that really the measure of a person's worth and identity?
Being Non Binary need not be a challenge and certainly does not refute another person's narrative or gender identity. We can and should respect those of us us who earnestly identify as male/man or female/woman without negating another persons sense of being part a spectrum, continuum or wherever we align ourselves. It really is ok and true that transgender is an umbrella term for hugely diverse peoples.
As people arrive at this august Place we often help each other with validation or the ever present question of "Am I really transgender?" I hope and trust we will also then share the truth of endless perspectives that come from our personal experience. Some of us want and need the assistance of a pathway, guidelines and a formula the works for us. For others those tasks and stereotypes can be roadblocks to achieving a very personal, unique and genuine sense of being my whole self. A continuing journey to self actualization and more. Thank you for sharing this awesome ride. You Rock!
