Quote from: Faith on March 21, 2019, 08:49:13 AM
Sometimes the drive to know outweighs the risk involved. I had to know. Yes, It could have ruined my day, week, month. Yet it didn't 
Except I envy the easy 'out in the world' responses that you enjoy.
I admit that it's easier than it used to be, but that doesn't mean I don't have my constant low-level doubts. I have the same "need-to-know" that you, and I suspect, most others here do. While I haven't been misgendered (by strangers) in quite a while, it doesn't mean that I don't still wonder, "do they see a woman, or are they just being nice?" Especially in a situation like you described, where pronouns are used for others, but not for me. It happens. Was it just normal conversation, or am I being paranoid?
And sometimes my craving for recognition overwhelms my intellect, and I do something stupid. When the following happened, I swore I wouldn't tell any other soul except my soul-mate, but the sting has receded to where I'm willing to share it.
As I mentioned in my thread, I had taken a month-long "introduction to yoga" class. I was a bit nervous about going to a class alone and practicing yoga with a roomful of ciswomen, but it turned out to be an awesome experience. By the fourth class the other ladies and I would welcome each other into the class, and banter afterward. The instructor repeatedly affirmed that there were only women in the room, making reference to our periods and childbirth, and telling stories that she assured us weren't appropriate for a class that had men in it. Pretty cool, so I still wonder to this day why I did what I did at the end of the last class.
I still don't know whether I was fishing to see if she knew I was trans, or I wanted to see an amazed reaction when she learned of it. But I hung around after the last class and chatted with the instructor until everyone else left, and then I released my inner idiot. I thanked her for treating me just like all the other women. She looked slightly puzzled and asked why I'd say that? I replied, "Oh... you didn't know? I'm trans."
I'm still not sure what reaction I was looking for, but it was probably something like a shocked expression, and "What?! No way! Are you serious? You look fantastic!!" followed by a big hug.
Instead, I got a reaction that's probably even better, but didn't feel that way at the time.
She waved it off and said, "Oh, I don't care about that! I wondered once, but it wasn't important. Do you think you'll be coming to the followup classes?"
I'm pretty sure I was looking for affirmation and attention, which is a bit sad, really. What I got was someone acting the way we all wish everyone would act. I was presenting female, and that was good enough. That's the way she treated me. Imagine if the whole world worked that way.
I did sign up for those followup classes and continued to be welcomed as another woman in the room.
I'm still mortified that I felt compelled to out myself. It was a lesson learned and a mistake I won't make again. I does prove, though, that wherever you are on the transition journey, there are always doubts and a need for affirmation. That shouldn't stop us from getting out there and living our lives. It takes courage every day to do that, despite our worries, but that's how we'll change the world.
Sorry for the rambling. We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.
Stephanie
