Faith's Progress

[Faith]

Umm, I did NOT give you permission to use my picture...

Sorry StephANIE, it's looks so much better than mine that I couldn't help myself

[Maid Marion]

Could you use double stick tape to put a new picture on the old badge?

[Faith]

Could you use double stick tape to put a new picture on the old badge?

All kinds of things that I could do, except there is no picture of me worth putting on there. It's better to leave the black tape.

[Maid Marion]

A good time to take your picture is at sunset when the light is warm and diffuse.
Professional photographers use bounce flash off walls to get a more flattering light for bridal photographs.
They also use flash in the bright sunshine to make the light less harsh.

[KathyLauren]

All kinds of things that I could do, except there is no picture of me worth putting on there.

Here you go:

[Anne Blake]

Well done Kathy. Faith, that is such a beautiful picture of you! Now stop your back talking and listen to us...and repeat a hundred times, it is a beautiful picture of a lovely woman.

Tia Anne

[Faith]

Thank you Kathy and Steph for removing the photo links. In the interest of full disclosure, and the fact that it's one of the reasons why this forum exists, I will explain.

I cannot, I stress .. cannot ...look at facial photos of myself. I broke down for 10 minutes with my face buried on Lori's shoulder when I saw the picture(s). I panic closed the forum and, after my tears settled, Lori and I went out for a bit. I logged in only to PM a request for the picture removal, then I went to bed.

Images of me, especially face, is a severe trigger for me. That is why you don't see any of them on here. My previous post in the dress was almost removed (I still want to remove it) I do not zoom in on it. I can't.

thank you for understanding.

ps,
Tia Anne. Lori says the same thing and I do trust her opinion and all of yours. It doesn't change the fact that I cannot look.

[Anne Blake]

I got it girl and I apologize for my insensitivity. With our eagerness to help you be you, we get quite carried away and forget to listen to the one we are loving on. Sorry about that.

Tia Anne

[Faith]

oddities

I found a photo of myself ... my original work photo id from June of 2009

oddly enough, it has absolutely no effect on me, good or bad.

Tia Anne, I was posting this as you replied. It isn't meant as a direct reply to you. Just something I came across that was topical about photos.

edit in for comparison.

I am going to bite my lip and show the image that is now on our company site. It is not the one currently on my badge.
Hopefully you guys will post enough that it'll scroll off and I won't have to look at it very much. It does not trigger as bad as other do.



edit: This photo is from May 2018.
2nd edit: typo

[Northern Star Girl]

oddities

I found a photo of myself ... my original work photo id from June of 2009

oddly enough, it has absolutely no effect on me, good or bad.

Tia Anne, I was posting this as you replied. It isn't meant as a direct reply to you. Just something I came across that was topical about photos.

edit in for comparison.

I am going to bite my lip and show the image that is not on our company site. It is not the one currently on my badge.
Hopefully you guys will post enough that it'll scroll off and I won't have to look at it very much. It does not trigger as bad as other do.

@Faith
Please don't be so hard on yourself... in your picture comparison I see great progress in your transition journey so far.... and much more to come.

Thank you for keeping your thread and your followers updated.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Faith]

sorry for the picture removal. I thought I could handle that one on here if I didn't look at it much. Just thinking about it being 'on display' put me over the edge.

[Northern Star Girl]

sorry for the picture removal. I thought I could handle that one on here if I didn't look at it much. Just thinking about it being 'on display' put me over the edge.

@Faith
Dear Faith: 
No worries.  Please, absolutely no apologies are required nor are they expected.  It is your pictures and your thread to do with them what you want.
 
With or without pictures, I enjoy reading and following your life story and continuing joys, successes, trials and tribulations.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

[Faith]

to expand on my 'what made you happy today' post.

This morning Lori and I mowed the yard. Sounds like nothing except our yard is in full Florida summer rainy season swamp mode. Sometimes I wonder where our yard went

This afternoon was a birthday party from one of my nieces fosterlings (turned 1). She has three and is either adopting or already adopted them, not sure which.

Anyway. I dress up for it, feminine as I can with shorts and top. Decent make-up but not overblown. I put some curl in the locks that fall down from the temples in front of the ear. Not really sideburn area but there-abouts.

I walk in forgetting that straight in from the door is a huge mirror. I glanced and looked away quickly but got stuck there for a few minutes. Yep it was creeping up on me, I could feel it. I didn't want to look, couldn't help myself. I wiggled my way around the end of the couch and sat down trying to hold it in. Lori noticed, I told her I'd be alright just needed a few minutes.

Well, it would have been but that coupled with the pandemonium from all the kids and then a storm rolled in (and I ate all the wrong food, bleh). Seems insignificant but I am sensitive to barometric pressure changes. Storms coming in adds about 20 lbs of weight to my head and inward pressure. It really depresses my mood. It was a bad combination.

Lori saw. I knew she was, not angry, frustrated? impatient? I don't know. Well, she gathered me up and we went to do our laundry. We do whites at the laundromat, our well water is not conducive to white clothes. I couldn't even drive. I was better by the time we got there and within a few minutes I was fine. All back to normal, whatever that is.

Waiting for the washer a gentleman came through with a load casually saying, "excuse me ladies" on his way by. Well, that induced a grin from both of us.

long story shorter, we head back to my nieces, me telling Lori that it's fine, I'm OK. On the way in I avoided the mirror and headed straight to the kitchen to ignore it and to chat a bit. Talked a bit to one of my other nieces about what I'm going through, a little 'get it out' self-therapy. We chat about hair a bit (they color theirs). If Lori would agree, I'd consider a dark violet highlight down those afore-mentioned temple curls. I think it'd look good.

It was getting a bit warm so I grabbed my purse for hair-tie to make a quick pony-tail. Needing to be sure the hair pulled back in the right place I had no choice but to look in the mirror and .... there she was ... I looked away and decided to look back. she was still there. Plain as can be standing right there in front of me. Not plain looking! I was looking good, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, no, I have a long way to go but she's in there and she wants to be on display. I looked for a few moments and she didn't go away.

Another almost break-down moment but this time a happy one.

today ended up being a very good day, I'm glad we went back.

Thanks for reading, if you managed to get through my ramblings,
Faith

[Rachel]

Hi Faith, it took me 4.5 years to post a pic of myself. I only have one pic of myself and it is from work from 6 months ago before I colored my hair. I have been wanting to update my pic and post it but have not worked up to it yet. I understand how difficult it is to share a pic.

My current work ID pic is the night before I came out at work 9/12/2015. I look so much different. I had FFS and hair transplants and an additional 2.5 years on HRT.  I am still so self conscious of how I look. Perhaps next week I will update my work pic and have a pic taken of me to share here.

You may want to take a pic at a distance and gradually take pics closer in time. This way you can share what you feel comfortable with sharing. I think sharing a pic is more about self and sharing self with others. Share what you feel comfortable sharing.

[KathyLauren]

Faith, I am glad you see her too.  Sorry you had to go through a wringer to get there, but hey, she's there!

[LizK]

.... there she was ... I looked away and decided to look back. she was still there. Plain as can be standing right there in front of me. Not plain looking! I was looking good, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, no, I have a long way to go but she's in there and she wants to be on display. I looked for a few moments and she didn't go away.

Another almost break-down moment but this time a happy one.

today ended up being a very good day, I'm glad we went back.

Thanks for reading, if you managed to get through my ramblings,
Faith

Oh wow that is so great...I am happy for you. The last little while has been tough for you. It is so difficult at times and transition feels like one psychological battle after another. It is however a remarkable feeling when you see "Her" for the first few times. Congratulations...enjoy this as much as you can...my first few glimpses were very emotional experiences. I hope from now on you see her and see only the other one if you have too!


Take care

Liz

[Michelle_P]

...
It was getting a bit warm so I grabbed my purse for hair-tie to make a quick pony-tail. Needing to be sure the hair pulled back in the right place I had no choice but to look in the mirror and .... there she was ... I looked away and decided to look back. she was still there. Plain as can be standing right there in front of me. Not plain looking! I was looking good, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, no, I have a long way to go but she's in there and she wants to be on display. I looked for a few moments and she didn't go away.

Another almost break-down moment but this time a happy one.
...

Faith, this is absolutely wonderful news.  We carry a self-image of ourselves in the brain, a sort of reference we unconsciously use for checking our physical condition and tending to injuries.   This is tied into a bunch of low level body control stuff in our brains. ( see "mirror neurons")

When we change, it can take quite a while for this brain "map" to update. In nature we don't normally change much in any given year. 

Seeing her in the mirror is a sign that this map is catching up to reality. Soon you will reach a point where your brain's self-image will be the woman the rest of us see, and with the improvement in your self-confidence your poise and movement will be more secure, you will feel better, and you will find very few issues with your acceptance.

Hugs, Michelle


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Faith]

It was short-lived but much longer than any time before by hours. I could still look in the mirror and peruse myself all evening. Not saying that I just stood there and admired myself. Even after I got home and cleaned up for bed, she was still there

This morning, gone .. all day, gone. Ah well. I am very happy that it happened. It gives me hope that someday she won't go away.

Off to bed, maybe she'll come out to play tomorrow.

Oh, did some retail therapy today. I picked up a few more long skirts for work. I've pretty much decided that, for the time being anyways, Fridays will be 'dress-up in a dress' day at work. A few more nice tops as well. Some I picked out that I liked the best were mis-marked. They were too small   Although, as a plus, several of them are shareable. Lori and I will have to fight over them ... ready set .. fight's over, it's bedtime.  I win. Off to bed I go in her new pajama bottoms

[Faith]

Well, it's Monday .. blah!  I was so tired this morning that I didn't look at any of the new tops I bought. I threw on something I wear a lot, too often, lazy closet grab. Nothing to add as far as how I'm feeling, mirrors are still on the taboo list.

I'm not sure whether to add this comment or not, it's funny and not at the same time ...

Lori and I were in the changing room trying on items (yes, we go together). Our 2 yr old granddaughter was scooting under the door and back out generally doing what children do (her Mom was outside the door). She's very hand articulate and smart, not talking yet. Anyways, on one such trip I had my shorts off to pull on a skirt. She looked, got all confused looking, tried to point, too closely I might add), and I shooed her hand away. She then proceeded to put her hands up in a shrug look plainly saying .. what? where?  She turned around to check Lori .. and of course Lori shooed her away as well.

I found it funny, but confusing and concerning. Did she expect to see something there and couldn't understand why there wasn't so was trying to compare? In that case, how would she know? To my knowledge she's never seen a naked male and most certainly has not seen me naked.

It is entirely possible that, since she doesn't wear panties, she expected to see the same thing that she sees on herself .. impossible, of course

Like I said, very articulate and smart. She puzzles things out quickly and has very good hand-eye. Much better in every area than your average 2 yr old, except speech.

[Faith]

another tangent

As is my wont, I've been lurking around and perusing threads catching up on everyone when I should be working. I read through a few progress/timeline scenarios and the pattern I noticed is, I don't fit them.

• Moody: yes, but not anything more severe. I've always had mood swings. these are only slightly different
• Emotional: well, I always have been I just hid it more. Am I more emotional now or just willing to release it?
• Physical: some changes, more noticeable to others than to me, that seems to be normal. Slow change, again, normal - I'm old and changing 50+ plus years of physical is nigh impossible.
• Breasts: Yep, got'm. They'll get there I think. I hope they don't go crazy, I just want to know they are there and fill out female cut tops better.
• Hair loss: nope. I see absolutely no difference in body hair growth speed or density, it's a constant fight. Why do others post of body hair light, thinned, gone, etc, and it's not occurring for me? Body hair is one of my most dysphoric issues. I am very OCD about removal

Just musing, I know there isn't any one result or timeline for anyone.