Faith's Progress

[Cassi]

Well, I think you look great, except you forgot to put on the smile. I like the layers with the sweater and wrap. And despite the sign, don't stop!

Stephanie

I think she looks great too.  Just if she was trying to find fault with anything........da shoes boss, da shoes
Of course heels probably would have sunk into the ground so - nevermind

[Katie Ellen]

Hi Faith,

Haven't seen you post in a few days. Hope you're doing well.

As you can see I've changed my name. This is the name I've used for a long time elsewhere, but I thought it wasn't available when I joined. So this is me.

Take care.

[Faith]

Katie, hello. Love the name, Katie Ellen, congrats.

I'm doing better now. The dress pictures really messed me up - I deleted them all. I simply could not handle the 'man in a dress' vibe, it was not 'me'.  It is not how I see myself not how I want to see myself. It's been a miserable few days.

I crammed the dresses to the back of the closet. I think I'll let Goodwill have them back.



I announced myself to a few more friends, no one local.



that's it. I've got nothing more to add right now .. time to go back into hiding.

[Faith]

I think I came back too soon or I just don't fit in or belong. I try to relate to the topics and it just doesn't seem to go right. I try serious replies that get nowhere or I try humor that obviously doesn't work. Something about me just isn't right. I'm going back to occasional lurking. At least my foot stays out of my mouth that way.

Thanks to the wise words posted that really helped me. I wish I knew some to give in return.

[Cassi]

I think I came back too soon or I just don't fit in or belong. I try to relate to the topics and it just doesn't seem to go right. I try serious replies that get nowhere or I try humor that obviously doesn't work. Something about me just isn't right. I'm going back to occasional lurking. At least my foot stays out of my mouth that way.

Thanks to the wise words posted that really helped me. I wish I knew some to give in return.

Wow, were you reading my mind?  I was feeling the same thing about just lerking in the shadows. I've been on for close to 3 hours and hadn't posted anything and had a happy thing happen yesterday (having a heck of a time typing with my nails). 

Anyway, you, whether you know it or not, motivate the newer girls such as myself and are helping.  So don't think otherwise.

[Jayne01]

I think I came back too soon or I just don't fit in or belong. I try to relate to the topics and it just doesn't seem to go right. I try serious replies that get nowhere or I try humor that obviously doesn't work. Something about me just isn't right. I'm going back to occasional lurking. At least my foot stays out of my mouth that way.

Thanks to the wise words posted that really helped me. I wish I knew some to give in return.

(((SLAP))) <<<<SHAKE>>>> (((SLAP)))

Girl, don't you know I'm on vacation? I leave you alone for a minute and you are posting silly comments. You are YOU! Just be yourself. You don't need to try and be serious or humorous or anything else for that matter. I like you just the way you are, so just be yourself.  And as for the dresses, if dresses aren't your thing, then don't wear them. I can't see myself wearing a dress, it just isn't me. Maybe, possibly, perhaps, I might wear one on a rare occasion, but I'm just not a dress person. There are no rules. No guidebook. Just do what is most comfortable for you.

Now for a little humour. My wife and I arrived in Berlin today. The contents of the minibar are included in the room price. There was a bottle of beer in there and I decided to drink it. I don't drink alcohol.....ever! Now my head is spinning and it really tasted quite awful, but I drank it anyway. I guess I had to drink at least one beer while in Germany. I hope I don't get up in the middle of the night and run around the lobby in my pj's ......or worse!

You do fit in and do belong! You are my friend, so don't you dare go away, I need you.

Be kind to yourself.

Jayne

[Laurie]

I think I came back too soon or I just don't fit in or belong. I try to relate to the topics and it just doesn't seem to go right. I try serious replies that get nowhere or I try humor that obviously doesn't work. Something about me just isn't right. I'm going back to occasional lurking. At least my foot stays out of my mouth that way.

Thanks to the wise words posted that really helped me. I wish I knew some to give in return.

Oh hell!! SLAP SLAP SHAKE

You're going to make me come out there aren't you?  Fine! Don't wear the dresses,  they are only clothes. They are not who you are. We don't love you for what you wear,  we love you for who you are. You are not going back into the shadows again. Even if I have to come down there and put you on the refrigerator,  you are not slinking away. No Ma'am! That is not happening!
  Do I make myself clear? Well, do I?

Hugs,
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[Katie Ellen]

Faith

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so discouraged. I get that way often myself. I used to think that I looked like a guy when I would take pictures of myself dressed. I thought I looked pretty good in the mirror, but the pictures looked male. I tried different styles of clothing and practiced with make-up. Not every picture came out good, but some started coming out pretty decent. Over time, more and more came out pretty good.

Also, I think sometimes we actually look better in person than we do in pictures. My wife is beautiful, but hates having her picture taken. They just seem to come out not looking like her very much.

So don't give up. This won't go away. You'll just get more angry with yourself for wasting time when it does come back.

I think you started therapy? Give it some time. If I can do it, you can do it. You're much braver than I am. I lurk around more than I post. I learn a lot from others. Especially this post.

Hang in there!

[Cassi]

(((SLAP))) <<<<SHAKE>>>> (((SLAP)))

Girl, don't you know I'm on vacation? I leave you alone for a minute and you are posting silly comments. You are YOU! Just be yourself. You don't need to try and be serious or humorous or anything else for that matter. I like you just the way you are, so just be yourself.  And as for the dresses, if dresses aren't your thing, then don't wear them. I can't see myself wearing a dress, it just isn't me. Maybe, possibly, perhaps, I might wear one on a rare occasion, but I'm just not a dress person. There are no rules. No guidebook. Just do what is most comfortable for you.

Now for a little humour. My wife and I arrived in Berlin today. The contents of the minibar are included in the room price. There was a bottle of beer in there and I decided to drink it. I don't drink alcohol.....ever! Now my head is spinning and it really tasted quite awful, but I drank it anyway. I guess I had to drink at least one beer while in Germany. I hope I don't get up in the middle of the night and run around the lobby in my pj's ......or worse!

You do fit in and do belong! You are my friend, so don't you dare go away, I need you.

Be kind to yourself.

Jayne

Jayne, Jayne, Jayne!

Agreed with everything you said; Faith and not wearing dresses, but to put down German Beer!!!  Octo Libra! 

German beer is vundebar except that you have to drink it exremely cold and at least of them.  Prosit!!!!!

[Sarah_P]

I'm not the slapping type, but I'm willing to shake some sense into you Faith!!!
Like the others said, if you don't want to wear a dress, don't! It's not what you wear! And I love hearing from you! I think your posts are fun, even if you don't! So keep posting!!
After all, if Laurie has to come down there she might run over me on the way!

[Rachel]

Faith, I understand your apprehension about wearing a dress. I am at the top of my BMI for healthy weight and am 6'2". I wore a dress for a formal work function. I looked ok but I am large. I was very self conscious and to boot I had a wig on for the first time. I was out for about 2 months and went to the function alone. Anyhow, I think I did ok and did have an ok time. I also felt very self conscious in the woman's room. I could not wait until the night was over.

I have a formal event in the fall for work. This time I will have a black dress and I will have blond hair, my own. I am fine in a woman's room and in reality many woman would love to be 6'2" and have told me such. I am down 22 pounds and have 28 to go. I will be thin and in a fitted black dress. I will wear my diamond hoop earrings, pearl neckless and I need a pretty bracelet, perhaps estate. I will have on a deep red lipstick.

Bottom line, 2 years ago I was a different person. I will be full time over 3 years by then and on HRT over 6.5 years (HRT takes time to do its magic). I am a different person now. I see a female in the mirror looking back. I refer to myself internally and externally as a female. I like who I am.   I am looking forward to going to the formal.

What you experienced is totally normal. You have come a long way in a short time but it has been a short time. You need time to grow into yourself. Things that were uncomfortable before are natural now. You are doing well and are hard on yourself. Do what feels right and push the edges a little at a time and stop and smell the roses. Look back on all you have accomplished and take note. In a year do it again and you will be astonished at your new accomplishments.

[Cassi]

Faith, I understand your apprehension about wearing a dress. I am at the top of my BMI for healthy weight and am 6'2". I wore a dress for a formal work function. I looked ok but I am large. I was very self conscious and to boot I had a wig on for the first time. I was out for about 2 months and went to the function alone. Anyhow, I think I did ok and did have an ok time. I also felt very self conscious in the woman's room. I could not wait until the night was over.

I have a formal event in the fall for work. This time I will have a black dress and I will have blond hair, my own. I am fine in a woman's room and in reality many woman would love to be 6'2" and have told me such. I am down 22 pounds and have 28 to go. I will be thin and in a fitted black dress. I will wear my diamond hoop earrings, pearl neckless and I need a pretty bracelet, perhaps estate. I will have on a deep red lipstick.

Bottom line, 2 years ago I was a different person. I will be full time over 3 years by then and on HRT over 6.5 years (HRT takes time to do its magic). I am a different person now. I see a female in the mirror looking back. I refer to myself internally and externally as a female. I like who I am.   I am looking forward to going to the formal.

What you experienced is totally normal. You have come a long way in a short time but it has been a short time. You need time to grow into yourself. Things that were uncomfortable before are natural now. You are doing well and are hard on yourself. Do what feels right and push the edges a little at a time and stop and smell the roses. Look back on all you have accomplished and take note. In a year do it again and you will be astonished at your new accomplishments.

Rach,

Your words give us all hope and inspiration.

[bobbisue]

     Faith I won't give you any slaps or shakes but I have a few hugs available I too have been very down lately and understand I think you look fine you can wear whatever you want  you insight and humor have helped me through the rough times I am experiencing the mirror is not my friend most days but sometimes I see the woman I am meant to be this helps me hang on I feel your pain be well be happy my sister

     bobbisue

[Faith]

wow, thanks all for the support. I really figured I'd just fade away from here. I doubt I'm as much help as you all make out, however, I do help myself by reading through the experiences on here. Some make me feel worse, some better, the average is steady steps forward.

Anyway, I kept hearing some scratching and scampering noises from my inbox. It turned out that two odd critters had infested my email and were causing a ruckus. I tried shooing them away but the darn pests kept running in circles making more noise. It was either get rid of them permanently or adopt them. So, Stephanie and Jayne, you've officially been adopted into my family. I hope you like dogs, we have two.


I am going to paste, with edits, what I replied to Steph. Everyone deserves to hear from me for good or ill..

Steph, thanks for thinking of me. Thank Jayne as well, I don't have her direct contact.

I'm alive (obviously) with no negative intents that way, I don't know what I am at this point. I peruse the forums and I just feel like an outsider. I simply don't feel like I belong. I try to fit in, respond here and there, I watch posts and replies jump over my comments as if they don't exist while others hold full and sometimes nonsensical conversations. When I try to make helpful comments, someone else says it better with more detail ... why reply at all, obviously what I had to say was just a wasted text box.

Body dysphoria is real bad right now. I'm OK when my wife and I are together. We talk a lot, we're on the same page, everything is good on the home front. Alone, not so good. My brain goes into overdrive and I get a doom-and-gloomy. The only thing that clears my head right now is her. It's a lot to put on her, being short like she is (you know how short people are).  Seeing all the positive, good-looking, posts simply exacerbates the problem. I'm not a poor-me sort. I don't like making sob-story posts just to get the 'pat on the back, it'll be OK' attention. When I find myself replying to something upbeat or positive with my moody-gloom, then it's time to shut up.

Take care and know that I'm thinking of you. Plans are still moving forward for vow-renewal service in 4 years. That'll give you plenty of time to prepare. Probably June 19'ish 2020 .. our anniversary is the 19th so it'll likely be a close weekend date to that .. nothing firm yet.

I'd like to point out, Steph and others, that does not mean wait 4 years to meet any of you. I expect a more reasonable 1st time meet up to occur.

I edited out the bad hair day pics that I had shared with Steph. ugliness abounded. The nail pic was pretty good. A close match for Steph's lavender. I like sparkles though. Here's a picture to show the Steph isn't the only one that can pull of the color. (funny how we both chose the color separately at the same time). I know I know, hers is lavender and mine is really purple .. just go with it.



Also, a picture from the back that hides the ugly. Hmm, I suppose I need to add the story behind that as well:

I asked Lori if she would curl my bangs a bit to keep them out of my face until I decide what I'm doing with it. WELL .. needless to say, she got carried away just a tad. At least I got to sleep on it to flatten things back out a bit.

As you can see, I haven't give up on me I'm just having some really off days.

[Cassi]

Glad you're letting the light shine again!

[Sarah_P]

Great to hear from you Faith! Love the nails!

[Faith]

Hey y'all ... typically I'd say 'hey guys' with a gender-neutral inflection but someone that I won't mention **Kendra** commented about it being a 'language glitch' Well, I glitch enough as it is and don't want to add more. I deal with computer glitches enough to know the misery and frustration that they cause.

... ahem ...

so, where to start, NAILS. Thanks Sarah, I do love the color and I really love sparkles on my nails. I don't know why. I have a new color (colour for some of you other types) to try out but I hate to clean these off. I usually get 2 weeks out of my nails before I have to start over.

hiatus, yes it was a short-lived one but it felt like forever for me. "It was a dark and stormy night .." No no .. that's Snoopy .. and some other rather unimportant entity prior to him. Snoopy gets the win, but I digress ... It was a gray week for me. VERY hard to pull out of.

STEPH!! I'm thinking of you ... just to see if you're reading my verbal dump and to make sure you know that I'm here for you. I'm very mental so sometimes I don't get it out on 'paper'

I had a minor relapse last night. I got pretty grumpy. Lying in bed all morose and feeling sorry for myself, I found myself being attacked. Yes, attacked!! She was totally unrelenting. I found myself feeling much better within the hour and still carried over this morning. I guess what I needed wasn't words, it was affirmation of desirability. Sometimes words are overrated.

I took my profile picture and put it in a folder on my Wife's computer. I told her that when she's ready to make a facebook post, worded simply, and let the world know. It'll be up to her if/when she does it. I know that she'll be the one on the front line of the question so it's up to her when she's ready to deal with it.

psst, she called me a girl this morning I forget the context. I got all warm and missed what she was saying

I was supposed to work on the car this morning. My neck is acting up and I wasn't looking forward to it. She went to work ... and ... took the car I was supposed to work on. I think she did it on purpose.

Nice talk this morning. More affirmation from Lori that I'm am moving in the right direction and that she's OK with it. I love my wife (haven't said that in a while, I've been slacking). She commented about me becoming a different person. I said, maybe I'm just getting more me out. Maybe you (she) fell in love with the me on the inside and now on the outside. Lori is very empathetic. She can know how you're feeling just by how she feels. She absorbs it from you. Hide all you want, she knows. I told her that I think she fell in love with the real me that she knew all along was in there and was simply waiting for me to show up on the outside.

Well, that's it for now. Sorry to all of you for getting all dramatic. I'd like to say it won't happen again but it probably will.

[Jayne01]

Hay Faith. Glad you're feeling better. That Lori is a very special person.

Don't be apologising for feeling down and sharing those feelings with your friends. I've already had to lecture Laurie (the other one, with the truck) about apologising. It's not allowed. I'm pretty sure it is in the fine print of the forum terms of service. We are here for each other in good times and bad times. Got it? Good!

Btw, I also need to watch my language glitches, I always want to say "guys" in a gender neutral kind of way, but that is hard to do in writing, so I often need to correct myself.

Pictures of your new nail colour please!

Take care,

Jayne

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

  I will agree with Jayne wholeheartedly, Lori is such a wonderful person for you. She does need to be available to us though. How is she going to know that she needs to smack you good for us? I mean really I have no problem asking her to administer corporal punishment for me when you need it. It could even save me a trip. I know you May want to see me March down there to smack you personally but you do realize this is only the beginning of February, don't you hun. I May have other commitments soon.
  I loved what Lori did with those curls they look very pretty but I'm wondering what caused to color change? The color look really nice.
I'm glad you are back with your avatar too.

Hugs,
  the other Laurie

[Faith]

Lori is such a wonderful person for you. She does need to be available to us though.

I agree on the first part .. that second part though. I don't know. My survival instinct flared up. I think that could lead to a multitude of Gibb Slaps.

what caused to color change?

Lighting. My hair is still silvery-white laced with black .. mostly silvery-white though, my profile pic is the closest. It doesn't really show the silvery sparkles though. Pictures lie about my hair, you have to see it in person .. hint hint ..

JAYNE!! Still on VayCay? You lazy bum. Get back here and socialize!! **pot/kettle**