Faith's Progress

[Faith]

Thanks Steph. I don't care what people say, you talk as big as any tall person

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, it's hard. I just remind myself that as long as I have Lori and my immediate family I have everything that I need. Which is also more than a lot of people have that are going through this.

What I really hate is that Lori has to limit or lose friendships for me. She's already dealing with so much, adding more is killing me (not literally, obviously).



Meanwhile, my labs are in. They called back with an unknown number .. which my phone blocked and sent to voicemail so I missed it. Now I have to wait by my desk phone until it rings to catch it before it forwards to my cell.

OH, and the labs came back listed for (F)emale .. hmm, a few reds in there

Exactly Faith. Exactly! You are better and stronger than any bigot, zealot, or hypocrite. Your goals are clearer, your horizons are wider, and your determination is stronger. You don't deserve, and shouldn't accept, their hate. You have too many people who love you to tolerate that.

You are much too big a person to tolerate small ones (well, except for me, of course).

- Stephanie

[Sarah_P]

I'm sorry that happened to you! Always remember, you've made lots and lots of new friends here, and you'll continue to make more as the true you. We're here for you!

OH, and the labs came back listed for (F)emale .. hmm, a few reds in there

I noticed on my first prescriptions that the doctor's office listed me as female! It made me feel wonderful & terrified at the same time - since I was trying to keep it a secret from the general public back then. Not that a good pharmacist isn't going to realize what those pills were for.

[Faith]

more frustration.

I finally got the call back from PP. They want me back in first to go over labs, check blood pressure, and injection training. Injections??!!??  I told them what I was told, pills and 2 week follow-up after that for blood pressure.  Nope.

Next available appointment time is 2 weeks from now.

Today is turning into miserable waste of a day.

[Cassi]

more frustration.

I finally got the call back from PP. They want me back in first to go over labs, check blood pressure, and injection training. Injections??!!??  I told them what I was told, pills and 2 week follow-up after that for blood pressure.  Nope.

Next available appointment time is 2 weeks from now.

Today is turning into miserable waste of a day.

I went from pills with the original GP to patches with my Endo which she feels are safer.  My original GP wanted me to do injections but I'd make a terrible junkie.  However, I recently had to begin insulin for my diabetes and have been injecting that which I never ever thought I would.  I think that E injections have the most potential for it getting into your system.

And my dear sister Faith, remember everyday you wake up and can admire your toes and fingernails is a good day!!!!!

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

  No day however frustrating is a wasted day. It is a day to reflect on and learn a bit more of patience and acceptance. They are days of learning and possible self improvement. And they are days that will make achieving what you were trying to do even more enjoyable when you do get it.
  OMG that even sounded kinda nice. I wonder who sneaked in and type it on my computer. Oh well I may as well send it on to you to see if it helps.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

I went from pills with the original GP to patches with my Endo which she feels are safer.  My original GP wanted me to do injections but I'd make a terrible junkie.  However, I recently had to begin insulin for my diabetes and have been injecting that which I never ever thought I would.  I think that E injections have the most potential for it getting into your system.

And my dear sister Faith, remember everyday you wake up and can admire your toes and fingernails is a good day!!!!!

I'm not opposed to injections, all a learning curve, it's the misinformation and misplanning. Had I known this, I would have made the appoitment before I left the last one to get an earlier one.

Speaking of admiring toe and finger nails .... it is valentines ...





Among the downers today, I get one adamant "We love You, screw those other people" from another friend .. the one I mentioned above giving the kiss and hug. She happens to be the sister of the guy-ex-friend I just talked about. I did not tell her what her brother said. I'm no pot stirrer ... except on here.

Hi Faith,

  No day however frustrating is a wasted day. It is a day to reflect on and learn a bit more of patience and acceptance. They are days of learning and possible self improvement. And they are days that will make achieving what you were trying to do even more enjoyable when you do get it.
  OMG that even sounded kinda nice. I wonder who sneaked in and type it on my computer. Oh well I may as well send it on to you to see if it helps.

Hugs,
   Laurie

thank you impostor-Laurie. I know that intellectually, trying to tell my emotional side is the problem. I didn't used to have an emotional side. Something is seriously amiss. psst, Steal that keyboard anytime that you want, you type better than real-Laurie. Typos are hard to decipher sometimes.

[Faith]

Still bumming around about losing friends. Sure you can say that real friends will stand by you. That's true to a point. I can totally understand someone not wavering on their convictions. If you truly believe that what someone is doing is wrong, and you cannot convince them otherwise, the choice becomes accept it or cut them loose. They happened to choose the latter.

I do have problems with people that refuse to accept differences and not be willing to entertain alternative viewpoints. If your viewpoint is so right and correct and perfect, you should have no issues hearing the other views and be ready to counter them. If you cannot, the issue with you not the topic.

Couple that with reading all the "squeee" moments on here. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for everyone that gets those moments, you all deserve them (YAY STEPH!). It does counterpoint that I am still waiting for my first one. It's makes for a real bittersweet happy/sad feeling.

My announcement email went out a few days back to the rest of my family. No responses whatsoever. Are they cool with it? Just 'whatever'? Hate it/hate me? Hearing something would be better than nothing

The single biggest thing in these negative feeling moments is Lori. She speaks up about her issues dealing with 'it' and coming to terms. With that, she also states that she feels we are in a much better place than before and does not want anything to go backwards. She is never confrontational, simply expresses how shes feeling at the time. You can't ask more than that, well, other than full acceptance.

So I sit here in a reasonably good mood tainted with feeling sorry for myself that the world doesn't cater to my every desire with bright sunshine and roses. Well maybe not roses, I'm still not a flower person.


Enough with the negativity .. STEPH!!  Looks like it's a go to meet Steph and Sue on Saturday. We are so exited to actually meet up ... is it Saturday yet? Sorry Steph, I'll dress up but not in an actual dress. I'll not mess up the occasion ruining a perfectly good dress by putting my body into it. Casual, yep. Besides, if we beach walk what I wear must be up to the task.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Faith,
This is Debi, Tia Anne's SO. I am posting on her site because after composing a wonderful reply to you my computer decided to eat it then shut down. I seem to have that result with many things technical. So I will try to recreate my reply.
I can relate to your wife Lori. Tia Anne and I have been walking this minefield for three years and I believe that we are closer then we were when we were husband and wife, but it was not always easy. (I now see us as wife and wife happily married) For every transition situation Tia went through I had to change too. With each change I had to decide if I was going to accept it as a relationship breaker or builder. My biggest question, once I got past the belief that where we were going was sin, was "who am I?" God answered my first dilemma by assuring me that He was the Creator of Tia Anne. Once I heard from Him that my original beliefs were fallible our relationship became strong again. It was then that I began working on the answer to who I am. Isn't that the question that we are all asking as we transition through this life? Once we can answer it with vulnerability and transparency is when being part of a couple can become beautiful. I will say that communication is an absolute must on this war-front. Standing hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart against everything that comes at you is a must but it doesn't always mean you will both be on the same page at the same time. Be patient with Lori. Remember that you are at a place where life-long dreams are beginning to come true. She, on the other hand is at a place where her dreams are possibly being torn asunder. Most likely being married to a woman was not anywhere on her horizons of imagined possibilities of what life had in store. The change in mind-set takes time. And the unknown is always a scary place to be. It can also be a beautiful place of adventure as the future unfolds before you. Hold on tight to one another. If Lori (or any SO or trans-person) would like to connect with someone who has trudged through the swamp and come out onto dry ground with a relationship more solid then when we started this journey I would be happy to talk about the experiences I dealt with. I will gladly take a PM through Tia's site.

Debi (Tia Anne's wife)

[Laurie]

Awesome reply Debi. I am looking forward to a time when we can talk again. We'll have to send Tia to Denver or something again.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

Hi Faith,
This is Debi, Tia Anne's SO. I am posting on her site because after composing a wonderful reply to you my computer decided to eat it then shut down. I seem to have that result with many things technical. So I will try to recreate my reply.
I can relate to your wife Lori. Tia Anne and I have been walking this minefield for three years and I believe that we are closer then we were when we were husband and wife, but it was not always easy. (I now see us as wife and wife happily married) For every transition situation Tia went through I had to change too. With each change I had to decide if I was going to accept it as a relationship breaker or builder. My biggest question, once I got past the belief that where we were going was sin, was "who am I?" God answered my first dilemma by assuring me that He was the Creator of Tia Anne. Once I heard from Him that my original beliefs were fallible our relationship became strong again. It was then that I began working on the answer to who I am. Isn't that the question that we are all asking as we transition through this life? Once we can answer it with vulnerability and transparency is when being part of a couple can become beautiful. I will say that communication is an absolute must on this war-front. Standing hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart against everything that comes at you is a must but it doesn't always mean you will both be on the same page at the same time. Be patient with Lori. Remember that you are at a place where life-long dreams are beginning to come true. She, on the other hand is at a place where her dreams are possibly being torn asunder. Most likely being married to a woman was not anywhere on her horizons of imagined possibilities of what life had in store. The change in mind-set takes time. And the unknown is always a scary place to be. It can also be a beautiful place of adventure as the future unfolds before you. Hold on tight to one another. If Lori (or any SO or trans-person) would like to connect with someone who has trudged through the swamp and come out onto dry ground with a relationship more solid then when we started this journey I would be happy to talk about the experiences I dealt with. I will gladly take a PM through Tia's site.

Debi (Tia Anne's wife)

Thank you Debi for your perspective, it is much appreciated. I had Lori read it .. may be a bit soon for her, it took her a few hours to pull herself together. The whole "wife and wife" part was too much for her at this juncture.

We always say to take it one day at a time but it's hard to not think 2, 3, 4 years down the road and get overwhelmed.

[Cassi]

Hi Faith,
This is Debi, Tia Anne's SO. I am posting on her site because after composing a wonderful reply to you my computer decided to eat it then shut down. I seem to have that result with many things technical. So I will try to recreate my reply.
I can relate to your wife Lori. Tia Anne and I have been walking this minefield for three years and I believe that we are closer then we were when we were husband and wife, but it was not always easy. (I now see us as wife and wife happily married) For every transition situation Tia went through I had to change too. With each change I had to decide if I was going to accept it as a relationship breaker or builder. My biggest question, once I got past the belief that where we were going was sin, was "who am I?" God answered my first dilemma by assuring me that He was the Creator of Tia Anne. Once I heard from Him that my original beliefs were fallible our relationship became strong again. It was then that I began working on the answer to who I am. Isn't that the question that we are all asking as we transition through this life? Once we can answer it with vulnerability and transparency is when being part of a couple can become beautiful. I will say that communication is an absolute must on this war-front. Standing hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart against everything that comes at you is a must but it doesn't always mean you will both be on the same page at the same time. Be patient with Lori. Remember that you are at a place where life-long dreams are beginning to come true. She, on the other hand is at a place where her dreams are possibly being torn asunder. Most likely being married to a woman was not anywhere on her horizons of imagined possibilities of what life had in store. The change in mind-set takes time. And the unknown is always a scary place to be. It can also be a beautiful place of adventure as the future unfolds before you. Hold on tight to one another. If Lori (or any SO or trans-person) would like to connect with someone who has trudged through the swamp and come out onto dry ground with a relationship more solid then when we started this journey I would be happy to talk about the experiences I dealt with. I will gladly take a PM through Tia's site.

Debi (Tia Anne's wife)

And an awesome couple you two are! 

[Faith]

We're still working on Lori's reconciliation within herself. She has to work to undo (revise?) the beliefs based on others interpretations, instilled in her over the years, and read and interpret for herself based on context and translations of the time period. I don't want her to just take a new interpretation from someone else. This is something that she has to work out on her own, albeit, with input for other sources.

I'm not sure I stated all that correctly.

Hopefully today marks the day that she speaks directly to her Mom about what we are going through. We finally got it worked out that one of her dreads is her family's reaction to finding out. Just like my side, some people will not take it well and others with just shrug and go on with their lives while still others will go off the deep end.

I am just relieved that through all our discussions she reiterates that she's standing by me and not going anywhere unless I push her away .. well, that's not going to happen.

[Faith]

Another new day.

Lori talked to her Mom yesterday, nothing direct. When they asked how I'm doing she just replied, "He's good, getting in touch with his feminine side". Their reply, "That could be a problem" and the conversation moved on. (paraphrased)

I forgot about another step on Sunday night. We had walked and talked (yes, at the same time. No gum though). Lori brought up my guys shirts. I simply said that I haven't worn them. She said she had removed some to see if I noticed .. umm, nope, I don't look at them I just try to squash the flatter to the back to make room. She said we should just get rid of them then.  So, that night all my remaining guy things hit the give-away bag .. minus some trail socks and over-sized long-sleeve shirts. Those are always in style on cold days

Tonight is another Therapy session. I have a few things to air, nothing overwhelming. Once I get a proper letter I'll cut back on the visits. I know I don't really need a letter for medical treatment but it may help with insurance, if they cover at all. I still haven't tried. Planned Parenthood visits are cheap enough for out of pocket.

I need to consult with my GP. He's all worked up over my labs for my kidneys. I know it's from the spearmint tea that I drink .. used to drink. I've since stopped drinking it. I've actually stopped any supplement that may interfere with meds. The consult, for me, is for my blood pressure. I need my prescriptions refilled.

So, there you have it. Another worthless unimportant post of more more worthless unimportant stuff. Makes me wonder why I post at all. So many others have much more interesting updates and progress to share.

[steph2.0]

Another new day.

Lori talked to her Mom yesterday, nothing direct. When they asked how I'm doing she just replied, "He's good, getting in touch with his feminine side". Their reply, "That could be a problem" and the conversation moved on. (paraphrased)

I forgot about another step on Sunday night. We had walked and talked (yes, at the same time. No gum though). Lori brought up my guys shirts. I simply said that I haven't worn them. She said she had removed some to see if I noticed .. umm, nope, I don't look at them I just try to squash the flatter to the back to make room. She said we should just get rid of them then.  So, that night all my remaining guy things hit the give-away bag .. minus some trail socks and over-sized long-sleeve shirts. Those are always in style on cold days

Tonight is another Therapy session. I have a few things to air, nothing overwhelming. Once I get a proper letter I'll cut back on the visits. I know I don't really need a letter for medical treatment but it may help with insurance, if they cover at all. I still haven't tried. Planned Parenthood visits are cheap enough for out of pocket.

I need to consult with my GP. He's all worked up over my labs for my kidneys. I know it's from the spearmint tea that I drink .. used to drink. I've since stopped drinking it. I've actually stopped any supplement that may interfere with meds. The consult, for me, is for my blood pressure. I need my prescriptions refilled.

So, there you have it. Another worthless unimportant post of more more worthless unimportant stuff. Makes me wonder why I post at all. So many others have much more interesting updates and progress to share.

Ok everyone, line up behind me.

SLAP!

Next.

Faith, you know how much I post (and talk, apparently [emoji16]). I started doing it for me, as a sort of journal, then I found out that I have friends here who enjoy keeping up with my good times, and are happy to support me through my bad times. I've also been told repeatedly that my "living the life" posts, both good and bad, are helpful even to those who haven't created accounts here. It's time you realized that all of that applies to you and your posts, too. So stop with the "worthless" mumbo-jumbo, dang it.

Now... congratulations on the boy clothes purge! It's a great feeling, innit?

Your friend (who reads everything you post),

Stephanie

[KathyLauren]

Thank you for the update, Faith.  I like following how people are doing.  It doesn't have to be exciting.  Life isn't all anguish and sufferning. 

I think it actually helps the new folks coming along behind us to see that, when the elephants in the room have been rounded up, life just carries on.  It is possible to live a normal life, with some happiness, some unsatisfactoriness, just like cis people do.  Reading about trans people's regular lives in threads like this certainly helped me calm my fears when I was just starting out.

Keep on doing what you are doing!

[Anne Blake]

Hi Faith,

Thank you for your ongoing journal postings, they are wonderful views into the path of a woman finding her place in life. I will assume that your self deprecating humor is just a tease to bring out responses from Laurie and Steph; there is no way that any of us would consider the struggles and progress, no matter the magnitude, of another brother or sister, worthless or unimportant.

Fun news about purging the old guy stuff from your closet space, congratulations! And I loved the comment about getting in touch with your feminine side and how that might bring up problems; Do you think??? Then again, I have always considered "problems" to be opportunities.

Please keep up the postings, they are an encouragement to us all.

Tia Anne

[Faith]

Hi Faith,

Thank you for your ongoing journal postings, they are wonderful views into the path of a woman finding her place in life. I will assume that your self deprecating humor is just a tease to bring out responses from Laurie and Steph; there is no way that any of us would consider the struggles and progress, no matter the magnitude, of another brother or sister, worthless or unimportant.

Fun news about purging the old guy stuff from your closet space, congratulations! And I loved the comment about getting in touch with your feminine side and how that might bring up problems; Do you think??? Then again, I have always considered "problems" to be opportunities.

Please keep up the postings, they are an encouragement to us all.

Tia Anne

some people are too inciteful insightful. Too many times I go to 'poke the bear' and it rolls over for a belly-rub

[steph2.0]

some people are too inciteful insightful. Too many times I go to 'poke the bear' and it rolls over for a belly-rub

Mmmmm. Belly rubs. I'll give you twenty minutes to cut that out.

[Sarah_P]

I like to know what everyone's up to- good, bad, or meh. I'm just nosy that way. Congrats on the guy-stuff-purge! I've only gotten around to that in the last couple weeks. Though they are still in my car trunk.... I wish I could remember things.

[Faith]

rough therapy session. Truth hurts. My wife opened up on her conflicts and issues. Nothing leaning towards separation or anything, just stuff she's struggling with. For myself, the guilt for what I am putting her through taints what would be a very happy and exciting journey for me/us. I do not fault or blame her, I knew when I told her that she'd have trouble with it.

Past/present/future concerns all blur together to cause stress and unhappiness. You can say one-day-at-a-time all that you want, the reality is, it's difficult if not impossible to achieve.

For myself, I do not have any conflicts within myself. I know who I am, I know what I feel, it's the affect that it's having outside of myself that I am striving to deal with.

We ended the evening all settled and comfortable and pleasant togetherness. Getting it out really helps, dealing with it as it comes out is hard.

I have to eat a little crow (is that still a phrase used?), it turns out the the 'friends' were not trying to push us away or outright say it's all wrong. Yes, their beliefs say it's wrong. I say their interpretation of it is wrong. They want to keep our friendship and are struggling to understand. Well, join the club. No one can truly understand unless they are the ones going through it. Even at that, I have trouble understanding myself, I just know what's right.

I plan on reaching out see about meeting for an afternoon or evening where I can try to help them come to terms. I don't want to have to sell myself and I'm not going to but I will try to help them understand as best they can and strive for acceptance. Acceptance I can handle, 'tolerate'? ... nope.