Faith's Progress

[steph2.0]

Lori tied my hair back this morning

I have no idea where the yellow/gold tint is coming from

also
I wish I didn't have such broad shoulders

Wow, silver and gold. Beautiful!

Don't obsess about the shoulders. I used to until I realized nobody cares. I've even graduated to sleeveless tops. I just try to wear something that flares below the waist for balance. No problem.

Stephanie

[KathyLauren]

I love your hair, Faith!  I wish I could do something with my own hair, but alas that would be in a different universe.  Don't worry about your shoulders.  With careful clothing selection, no one will notice.

[Faith]

@Steph2.0
@KathyLauren

Thanks! My hair is my one redeeming 'feature' .. I hope it doesn't fall out 

I try not to think about my shoulders but, like my body hair (ick), sometimes it sneaks up on me and ruins my day.

[Faith]

I was pondering mirrors today after reading the comments in a few threads. I think I have it totally summarized on why I have such difficulty.

CIS women grow up looking at themselves. Sure they may not like some features but they are used to 'themselves'
Trans Women grow up looking at the guy, hating it, it's not a feature it's the whole image.
To ease things, a self-image gets built up of how they 'should look'
Once transition starts you get a third image .. the one HRT is turning you into.

Now you have three images:
1- that nasty man image
2- the internal perfect image
3- The HRT 'in progress' image

Your brain tries to reconcile image 1 and 3 into image 2, and it fails, causing a disparity and triggering a multitude of reactions - mostly bad.

I know, this is very similar to previous comments about self image. I'm just trying to dumb it down to something that I can work with.

later,
Faith

[KathyLauren]

That is interesting.  I have no doubt that you are getting to the essence of your acceptance issue.

I never had #2, the internal "perfect" image.  I always knew that whatever I got would be better than what I had, so I'd be happy with any improvement.  Different ways of processing our dysphoria, I guess.

[Faith]

@KathyLauren

well, maybe perfect wasn't quite the right term. And by image I don't necessarily mean a picture in your mind that you can see, just something your mind looks for. So you end up seeing wrong without being able to actually say why.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Mmmm.  I never had #1 but could definitely see how I should have turned out.  Because I started late (61) the results, i.e. #3 are close enough that I am more or less happy. 

I agree with Kathy that having this conversation to better understand yourself is a good thing.  I think coming to peace with our existence is an important part of transitioning.  Despite giving up some things, I have gained so much more on this journey.   

[LizK]

Now you have three images:
1- that nasty man image
2- the internal perfect image
3- The HRT 'in progress' image


Faith

I can see you have been really giving this some serious thought. For me mirrors were always difficult and I avoided them where I could. As for camera's well I think I have said before to you how much I hate them.

I think you are right we do go through this process of trying to reconcile out internal images against the reality of what we see. However our eyes can easily deceive us and show us an image of ourselves that is actually distorted, which makes finding image 2 so difficult

Take care

Liz

[Jayne01]

I was pondering mirrors today after reading the comments in a few threads. I think I have it totally summarized on why I have such difficulty.

CIS women grow up looking at themselves. Sure they may not like some features but they are used to 'themselves'
Trans Women grow up looking at the guy, hating it, it's not a feature it's the whole image.
To ease things, a self-image gets built up of how they 'should look'
Once transition starts you get a third image .. the one HRT is turning you into.

Now you have three images:
1- that nasty man image
2- the internal perfect image
3- The HRT 'in progress' image

Your brain tries to reconcile image 1 and 3 into image 2, and it fails, causing a disparity and triggering a multitude of reactions - mostly bad.

I know, this is very similar to previous comments about self image. I'm just trying to dumb it down to something that I can work with.

later,
Faith

Faith, that is an interesting way of thinking about this. I never thought of it this way. Or maybe I did and didn't know it? Thank you for simplifying it. What you said makes sense.

It's good to see you working through your thought processes. I may add a 4th image.

4 - the modified version of image 2 based on  the results of image 3 and the change in our self perception. In other words, the happy and co tent image.

I just woke up, so that may not have made much sense!

You are looking and sounding so much happier lately. Keep up your hard work.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Faith]

@Jayne01

I left #4 unsaid on purpose. #4 would obviously be the final image, physical and mental, where things come together. You look in the mirror and say, "that's me". That point would be slightly different for everyone.

Perfect would be, well, perfect. What I would consider normal would be the same as a CIS person, you like your face but think it could use some tweaking of things you're not happy with.

I don't include facial surgeries for the image. That's because even CIS get unhappy enough with self-image to get .. um .. modified.

[Faith]

You are looking and sounding so much happier lately. Keep up your hard work.

Hugs,
Jayne

Thanks, yes I am. It helps that the 'week' ended and my mood lifted again

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

  I just want to let you know I am here and I am reading. I haven't been posting much because I find I haven't a lot to say lately. I do have quite a few things on my mind lately and as I've said elsewhere I've been a bit preoccupied and distracted. So I'll apologize to you and others here on Susan's for not being very supportive or helpful. But IU am reading what and when I can.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Allison S]

Can I add image 3.5 which is after hrt and before ffs.. Lol at least that's what it is for me. I accept my face as a whole but not certain features. Like you said, that's not solely a trans thing though.
Oh and your hair is very pretty!

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[Michelle_P]

Faith, I think you have the right idea on how we reconcile images in our heads.  The other element is time.  It just takes time for the mesh of neurons that recognizes ourselves at a primitive level to bring themselves up to date. 

My understanding is that it takes them up to a year to adjust to a change in our appearance.  For cidswomen, the rate of natural change in appearance is so slow that this delay causes no problem.  For us, changing our appearance rapidly in the 'coming out' process, the delay gives us some real self-confidence issues.  I still get flashes of being the 'dude in a dress', but they are getting shorter and less intense daily.

[Jessica]

I was pondering mirrors today after reading the comments in a few threads. I think I have it totally summarized on why I have such difficulty.

CIS women grow up looking at themselves. Sure they may not like some features but they are used to 'themselves'
Trans Women grow up looking at the guy, hating it, it's not a feature it's the whole image.
To ease things, a self-image gets built up of how they 'should look'
Once transition starts you get a third image .. the one HRT is turning you into.

Now you have three images:
1- that nasty man image
2- the internal perfect image
3- The HRT 'in progress' image

Your brain tries to reconcile image 1 and 3 into image 2, and it fails, causing a disparity and triggering a multitude of reactions - mostly bad.

I know, this is very similar to previous comments about self image. I'm just trying to dumb it down to something that I can work with.

later,
Faith

My problem lately is having the irrational thought (on a momentary basis) that I'm just a guy in a dress.  I get over it quick enough, but it is unnerving and wish the old self would just disappear.  In time that picture of myself will become the real me.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

(Michelle and I just talked about this at lunch, we feel the same)

[Faith]

thanks for the replies and comments. I didn't really expect much response from my brain puke regurgitation thoughts.

@Laurie, I know that you and others flitter about the topics playing catchup (not ketchup) and you've been a might busy recently. I think you're even stuck doing some planning 

@Michelle,@Jessica My 'dude in a dress days' are still here and common. I've deliberately worn dress or skirt to work for 2 weeks. Today is the first day that I went back to slacks (I'm dressed like my profile pic). I must say, I am getting more comfortable in them.

I left out quite a few of my thoughts on our self-image processing. I wanted to keep my summation as simple as possible.

Jessica & Allison, thanks for popping into my little corner of the world. and @Allison, thank you for your comment. Hair, my one redeeming feature ... comb forward for instant facial improvement HAH!

Holy Crap .. I'm losing my thoughts bouncing up and down trying to reply to everyone. I'm sure I'm going to miss something/someone .. no offense intended. I happen to be on the phone with Cisco for a problematic switch that I gave up on so I'm a little distracted.

I see you @Judi

Hey @Liz  , hope your feeling back to your old self .. NO NO, not that old self .. sheesh 

[TonyaW]

Now you have three images:
1- that nasty man image
2- the internal perfect image
3- The HRT 'in progress' image

I like this explanation.

My bad days I see #1 (I've called it Fat Ugly Man Body).

A while ago I realized that my #2 was what I was saying was my "ideal" woman when it was really how I saw myself.

Good days I see #3 and I agree that when we get to the missing #4 is we stop worrying about this crap. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Faith]

@Tonya

Hey Tonya, Yeah the goal is #4. When we reached it, we've stopped thinking about it.

As for image ...
I'm not sure the right way to say this, it's supposed to be a compliment
... I see a marked (mark-ked, how do you type that) progress in every avatar update that you make. thumbs-up (I didn't feel like scrolling for the emoji)

[Faith]

Back on the 'My Progress' topic

today I revisited a forum that I used to frequent. My last post there was back in Dec 2017. That was when my depression was hitting it's peak. I didn't want to hang or socialize anywhere, not even online.

First step was changing all the pertinent info in my profile to more appropriate designations. I also changed my signature, which previously had my first name (legal names not allowed for accounts - bad form), to read my real name.

Then I searched for threads referencing me. Lo and behold, someone posted a 'where'd they get to' post and I was in there. I guess they did miss me, for a while at least. I made a quick 'here I am post' and got an immediate reply from someone I used to chat with. He said, paraphrased, welcome back brother. I was kind enough to inform him that brother didn't fit any more

I decided, after talking to another acquaintance from there (one I've been in contact with and already knew my situation), to make a new introduction post on there. I was a little vague with the details, no need for all that in a different forum, but if they read between the lines they'd figure it out. After all, with no picture it's one big Venus symbol

so far, 12 Welcome Backs. I do wonder how many figured it out (or will). The friend who knew posted that I made a good choice posting a new intro. He also called me by name.

I think this qualifies as a good step.

[KathyLauren]

Faith, I get the feeling that you are enjoying this.  I am glad to hear it.  Once you get the hang of it, coming out is fun!