Faith's Progress

[Faith]

thanks for the concern. I'm really OK .. hurt feeling mostly but like I said, not unexpected. The refusal to use my name I didn't expect, mistakes yes, refusal, no. Since I rarely see them, seeing them less won't matter one bit.

Lori will likely go for a bit, it is her family. I ask her to please, if they ask about John, to reply with something like, "Faith is ......" It'll help make a point.

As for Thanksgiving, it's just a day. We have our thanksgiving with immediate family planned for Sunday at our house. Unlikely that I'll miss that one

[Faith]

Today is just .. wrong .. I don't know that I can verbalize it.

To start, I am sitting here at work, no makeup, jeans, basic button-up shirt, hair tied back and tucked under my shirt. When I left the house this morning I am sure that I looked like 'old me' (emphasis on old). I'm pretty sure that Lori was holding back tears when she said good-bye as I headed out to work, likely because I looked like my old self. I'm pondering getting a few more basic button-ups to wear with my jeans. I don't think that I have enough right now.

I'm waffling between morose and crying and a mixture of the two.

I'm decent looking for an old guy, dressed up all girly I look like an old guy dressed up all girly. Might as well drop the girly and just be what I am, an old guy.

I'm putting Lori through all kinds of crap. What kind of person am I to do that to one of the best, no the best, person that I know? Don't answer that, I already know.

This is not about other peoples opinions, to hell with them. I could care less about idiot SfB's that can't see past their own bigotry and insecurities to be able to see the world in all it's glorious diversity.

No, this is about me. It's about who I am. It's about what I was. It's about where I'm headed. I feel I should quit trying, stick to plain outfits, let people see whatever the hell they want to see.

I will not stop taking my meds. They make me feel so much better and, more importantly,  make me a better person.

I need to make room in my dresser for different shirts. I don't have room, I'll have to bag some things up for goodwill.

Then, just as my thoughts solidified, someone walked in and called me Faith. What they asked is unimportant, the fact that they called me Faith several times is.

Hearing that, I know who I am. Unfortunately for me, to Lori I am John. She doesn't want it changed, she loves John. Me? I never liked the name, it wasn't me, isn't me .. to the most important person in the world, John is me, Faith isn't.

I'm stuck running in circles like a dog chasing his tail ... no, that's not right ... At least the dog can see what he's chasing.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, I don't even know why I'm posting. I should reset my password to one that I don't know and change the email on my account to one that doesn't work. Maybe that will keep me out of here. I'm just wasting time anyways.

[sarah1972]

My dear Faith -

It was heartbreaking to read you last two larger posts. Please don't give up! think about the great moment at work when you have been truly accepted as who you are. Lori stands by you, no matter what her family says and you have accomplished so much recently.

I think we all have these days where we don't dress up and there is this old person peaking through. But that does not change who we are today. You are Faith, a beautiful woman. These moments come and these moments go. They get less frequent over time. Lori's reaction is just her feeling your pain today.

You have been through a lot in recent days and even though you try not to let it get to you, it is just very natural. Many here - including me - would be very honored to have you over for Thanksgiving. And even if Lori sees her family, I am sure she is heartbroken about you not being there with her and she will be back in no time.

Stay strong, look at the bright moments (like being called Faith at work) and please do not leve this forum. We are all here to help and support you!

Hugs,

Sarah

Today is just .. wrong .. I don't know that I can verbalize it.

To start, I am sitting here at work, no makeup, jeans, basic button-up shirt, hair tied back and tucked under my shirt. When I left the house this morning I am sure that I looked like 'old me' (emphasis on old). I'm pretty sure that Lori was holding back tears when she said good-bye as I headed out to work, likely because I looked like my old self. I'm pondering getting a few more basic button-ups to wear with my jeans. I don't think that I have enough right now.

I'm waffling between morose and crying and a mixture of the two.

I'm decent looking for an old guy, dressed up all girly I look like an old guy dressed up all girly. Might as well drop the girly and just be what I am, an old guy.

I'm putting Lori through all kinds of crap. What kind of person am I to do that to one of the best, no the best, person that I know? Don't answer that, I already know.

This is not about other peoples opinions, to hell with them. I could care less about idiot SfB's that can't see past their own bigotry and insecurities to be able to see the world in all it's glorious diversity.

No, this is about me. It's about who I am. It's about what I was. It's about where I'm headed. I feel I should quit trying, stick to plain outfits, let people see whatever the hell they want to see.

I will not stop taking my meds. They make me feel so much better and, more importantly,  make me a better person.

I need to make room in my dresser for different shirts. I don't have room, I'll have to bag some things up for goodwill.

Then, just as my thoughts solidified, someone walked in and called me Faith. What they asked is unimportant, the fact that they called me Faith several times is.

Hearing that, I know who I am. Unfortunately for me, to Lori I am John. She doesn't want it changed, she loves John. Me? I never liked the name, it wasn't me, isn't me .. to the most important person in the world, John is me, Faith isn't.

I'm stuck running in circles like a dog chasing his tail ... no, that's not right ... At least the dog can see what he's chasing.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, I don't even know why I'm posting. I should reset my password to one that I don't know and change the email on my account to one that doesn't work. Maybe that will keep me out of here. I'm just wasting time anyways.

[Jessica]

Today is just .. wrong .. I don't know that I can verbalize it.

To start, I am sitting here at work, no makeup, jeans, basic button-up shirt, hair tied back and tucked under my shirt. When I left the house this morning I am sure that I looked like 'old me' (emphasis on old). I'm pretty sure that Lori was holding back tears when she said good-bye as I headed out to work, likely because I looked like my old self. I'm pondering getting a few more basic button-ups to wear with my jeans. I don't think that I have enough right now.

I'm waffling between morose and crying and a mixture of the two.

I'm decent looking for an old guy, dressed up all girly I look like an old guy dressed up all girly. Might as well drop the girly and just be what I am, an old guy.

I'm putting Lori through all kinds of crap. What kind of person am I to do that to one of the best, no the best, person that I know? Don't answer that, I already know.

This is not about other peoples opinions, to hell with them. I could care less about idiot SfB's that can't see past their own bigotry and insecurities to be able to see the world in all it's glorious diversity.

No, this is about me. It's about who I am. It's about what I was. It's about where I'm headed. I feel I should quit trying, stick to plain outfits, let people see whatever the hell they want to see.

I will not stop taking my meds. They make me feel so much better and, more importantly,  make me a better person.

I need to make room in my dresser for different shirts. I don't have room, I'll have to bag some things up for goodwill.

Then, just as my thoughts solidified, someone walked in and called me Faith. What they asked is unimportant, the fact that they called me Faith several times is.

Hearing that, I know who I am. Unfortunately for me, to Lori I am John. She doesn't want it changed, she loves John. Me? I never liked the name, it wasn't me, isn't me .. to the most important person in the world, John is me, Faith isn't.

I'm stuck running in circles like a dog chasing his tail ... no, that's not right ... At least the dog can see what he's chasing.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, I don't even know why I'm posting. I should reset my password to one that I don't know and change the email on my account to one that doesn't work. Maybe that will keep me out of here. I'm just wasting time anyways.

Faith, I'm so sad reading this.  There are parallels between us and I feel your distress.  I have two wardrobes that I work with that allows me into both gender worlds.  Why?  Because of social needs.  My SO also desires the old me, though she loves me for who I am.  We are working through compromises that will create a relationship we are both comfortable with.  At this point, I will not stop my medications, because they too make me feel so much better, but will strive to find the feminine androgynous look that may work for both of us on a regular basis, while having an outlet for my more feminine side with my approving friends.
I'm not sure what the outcome will be in the end for myself and my wife, but I know after loving this person for 38 years my love for her won't fail and consider it paramount to my happiness.
Both my old self and Jessica are the same person, the only difference is what I wear at different situations.  So I hold onto both personas and I am able to hold onto that happiness.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Northern Star Girl]

To all of the "work in progress" transistioners reading about the trials and emotions of our lovely member @Faith and also our other members with similar life stories...

.... I offer my empathy, support, and encouragement for you to continue on and find within yourself the determination and fortitude to reach for your own personal success in your journey however you personally define it in your own situations.

Bumps in the road, setbacks, frustrations and various family situations are something that all of us deal with no matter how successful we appear.

Hang in there and strive in your struggles to stay on course.
Hugs and well wishes as always.
Danielle

[Susan Baum]

@Faith,
I think most of us here have felt the distress and despair you have so eloquently summed up here
No, this is about me. It's about who I am. It's about what I was. It's about where I'm headed. I feel I should quit trying, stick to plain outfits, let people see whatever the hell they want to see.

I will not stop taking my meds. They make me feel so much better and, more importantly,  make me a better person.

and again here
I'm stuck running in circles like a dog chasing his tail ... no, that's not right ... At least the dog can see what he's chasing.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, I don't even know why I'm posting. I should reset my password to one that I don't know and change the email on my account to one that doesn't work. Maybe that will keep me out of here. I'm just wasting time anyways.

Please Faith, don't "throw in the towel" or give up on letting the "real" you become lost in the maelstrom of other people's opinions and prejudices. Lori loves YOU and has gone far beyond what someone who just loves <who?> would do or say to help you in your transition. Relatives notwithstanding, that is something to truly be thankful for.

Susan

[DiLoris]

Today is just .. wrong .. I don't know that I can verbalize it.

To start, I am sitting here at work, no makeup, jeans, basic button-up shirt, hair tied back and tucked under my shirt. When I left the house this morning I am sure that I looked like 'old me' (emphasis on old). I'm pretty sure that Lori was holding back tears when she said good-bye as I headed out to work, likely because I looked like my old self. I'm pondering getting a few more basic button-ups to wear with my jeans. I don't think that I have enough right now.

I'm waffling between morose and crying and a mixture of the two.

I'm decent looking for an old guy, dressed up all girly I look like an old guy dressed up all girly. Might as well drop the girly and just be what I am, an old guy.

I'm putting Lori through all kinds of crap. What kind of person am I to do that to one of the best, no the best, person that I know? Don't answer that, I already know.

This is not about other peoples opinions, to hell with them. I could care less about idiot SfB's that can't see past their own bigotry and insecurities to be able to see the world in all it's glorious diversity.

No, this is about me. It's about who I am. It's about what I was. It's about where I'm headed. I feel I should quit trying, stick to plain outfits, let people see whatever the hell they want to see.

I will not stop taking my meds. They make me feel so much better and, more importantly,  make me a better person.

I need to make room in my dresser for different shirts. I don't have room, I'll have to bag some things up for goodwill.

Then, just as my thoughts solidified, someone walked in and called me Faith. What they asked is unimportant, the fact that they called me Faith several times is.

Hearing that, I know who I am. Unfortunately for me, to Lori I am John. She doesn't want it changed, she loves John. Me? I never liked the name, it wasn't me, isn't me .. to the most important person in the world, John is me, Faith isn't.

I'm stuck running in circles like a dog chasing his tail ... no, that's not right ... At least the dog can see what he's chasing.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, I don't even know why I'm posting. I should reset my password to one that I don't know and change the email on my account to one that doesn't work. Maybe that will keep me out of here. I'm just wasting time anyways.

Not sure where or how to respond. But you are not giving up on this thread. Or on us. We have made so much progress in our relationship, and i love both sides of you. To me you are an amazing person. You are so talented and seam the happiest when you are playing music. That person is still very much apart of you.

[Northern Star Girl]

Not sure where or how to respond. But you are not giving up on this thread. Or on us. We have made so much progress in our relationship, and i love both sides of you. To me you are an amazing person. You are so talented and seam the happiest when you are playing music. That person is still very much apart of you.

@DiLoris    cc: @Faith
Dear Lori:
I second that motion....   thanks for chiming in on Faith's thread and affirming the positive and encouraging reply comments from Faith's follwers in response to her "disturbing" posting.
WE LOVE YOU FAITH   [emoji173]

Hugs and hugs for both of you ladies.
Danielle

[Faith]

(sorry, @mentions don't work for me)

Sarah and Jessica .. thank you for sharing the similarities. I follow both of your topics, sharing your struggles. I'm my own worst enemy, that's for sure. Yes, I have a lot churning in my head. It gets overwhelming at times ... all the time? I worry over so many things that may happen, could happen, that I get lost in it. I need to concentrate on 'what is'

Susan, yeah, I know .. *sigh* what can I say, I'm a drama queen. Yes, I say all the time, ignore what people think, ignore those outside my immediate circle, ignore .. ignore .. and it fills my head until that's all I can think about. Then I fall down.

I may feel a bit better today but yesterday the world was ending, rephrase, my world was ending. I'm worn out from ups and downs ... why can't I stay up?

Danielle, what's to say. I do love all of you as well. I don't know where I'd be without this forum to fall back on. This forum was my first stepping stone on my journey to find Faith. The search goes on but we're narrowing in.

Lori is my rock. Yeah, that's an over-used metaphor but it's also true. Without her I'd be in shambles right now. She helped me, via talking, search out and welcome my true self even against her own misgivings. It was always about what makes me happy and better and comfortable with myself. I was always a better person because of her, it's even more true now.

Her little reply note .. hmm, yeah, that was nothing compared to what she said to me after she read my post. No no, I was berated, well, not in the manner that you'd think. It started with a very serious hug. Then I was severely chastised *sigh*

Am I still worried? yep. Am I still scared? yep. At least today I am optimistic again.

I can't promise that I won't spiral down again though. It stems from holding back, I know I'm still holding back. I can''t get past the fear that I'll change too much and end up alone. I'm worthless alone. So, I hold back.

what a mess

I need more coffee .....

[Jessica]

@Faith .......I still have my bouts with 'wth' once in a while, but one thing that always focuses my resolve is asking myself....
"Would I have regret if I stopped and what would have it have been like if I didn't?"
Along with telling myself.......... "No Jess, these medications help you!"

Big hugs, Jess

[Faith]

Hey Jessica,

Regret if I stopped? .. it would be bad. Stopping? Going back? Not an option. Lori and I share that 100%. We may still have things to work out, that isn't one of them.

As an aside, in a seemingly full swing counter-point to yesterday, today I felt full feminine, no maleness issues at all. In fact, this afternoon was the most 'girlie' that I've ever felt. I was bouncing and practically giggling.

I'm so messed up

[Northern Star Girl]

Hey Jessica,

Regret if I stopped? .. it would be bad. Stopping? Going back? Not an option. Lori and I share that 100%. We may still have things to work out, that isn't one of them.

As an aside, in a seemingly full swing counter-point to yesterday, today I felt full feminine, no maleness issues at all. In fact, this afternoon was the most 'girlie' that I've ever felt. I was bouncing and practically giggling.

I'm so messed up

@Faith
Dear Faith:
Not messed up at all... you may just be experiencing mood swings that many females go through from time to time....  (*sometimes on a monthly basis !!!)    LOL 

I am so glad that you are doing so well today.... remember these good moments as they will help you to get through your temporary not-so-good times.

Thank you for sharing.
Hugs and well wishes as you continue on.
Danielle

[Faith]

I'm told repeatedly that I have avid followers, I'm sorry that you don't have anything better to do with your time. So, Here's an update to waste a few minutes with.

WAAAAAY back on Dec 22nd (posted about it on the 23rd HERE ) I finally expressed myself openly and vocally. Since then I have not. For one reason or another I'd hold back, not say it, not think it. No admission, leave an escape route.

Yesterday I had a meltdown, as evidenced by my post, today marked a new day. Something changed, something let loose. I was happy, giggly, bouncy even (as I stated a couple posts back). Tonight Lori and I had planned to be somewhere, she came home arms ladened with supplies to make a dessert to take to work. No problem, we'll go after she's done. It got later and later, I got tired and sleepy. She finally came and asked if we were going. Now? It's too late now. I need to get a shower. She's like, ok I'll find something else to do .. you go take your shower.

I went in the bedroom and just sat on the edge of the bed, rocking back and forth trying not to cry. I'm thinking, I disappointed her by not wanting to go this late (8pm is bedtime people!). She came in and, well, laughed a bit, held me, told me it's Ok, go get a shower .. you get the idea. So, I did. After the shower is when it hit.

I'm on the couch, she's reading some "Susan's" posts that I left open for her. It led to some discussions, nothing new. I made her come over on the couch so I could hear (deaf in one ear) and not get a krink in my neck. More discussions, some of this, some of that. We settled into a semi upright sitting position sharing a pillow, heads touching and just talked. Magic talk.

I relaxed, she relaxed, most importantly my brain relaxed. The course of the conversation led me back to what I had concluded back on Dec 22nd of 2017 ... something I have not said or thought to myself since that time for one reason of denial or another .. No guessing here, you know what it is, let me introduce myself again ...

hello, my name is Faith Nicole and I am a woman .. fully and unconditionally.
(now I just need my body to catch up ......)

good night folks, thanks for tuning in

Faith

[Jessica]

Yay Faith Nicole 🌸🌸🌸

[LizK]

....hello, my name is Faith Nicole and I am a woman .. fully and unconditionally.
(now I just need my body to catch up ......)

good night folks, thanks for tuning in

Faith

Drops the Mic.....Good on you Faith....don't be surprised if you question yourself again in the future, the difference is, from now on each time you ask that question of yourself, and you will....the answer will be a resounding YES. 

Take care

Liz

PS I owe you an email..sorry for being slack...been a little preoccupied

[KathyLauren]

hello, my name is Faith Nicole and I am a woman .. fully and unconditionally.

Pleased to (re-)meet you, Faith Nicole!  Yes, you are! 

[Faith]

MEET-n-GREET !!!!

I have a song stuck in my head with only one line and no music .. I am a woman. To finally accept it for myself gives me goosebumps

Today is a great and awesome day.

[Faith]

I need this in a separate reply because I need some specific advice. Lori has been getting to me and I don't know what to do about it. She's taking great pleasure in my discomfiture.

I've posted somewhere about stronger feelings? Somewhere. Anyways, now she deliberately kisses me just enough to twist my belly into knots and make my knees turn to jelly .. then she pulls back and laughs at me. Only to do it again ...

ARRRGGGHHH

*sigh*

[steph2.0]

I need this in a separate reply because I need some specific advice. Lori has been getting to me and I don't know what to do about it. She's taking great pleasure in my discomfiture.

I've posted somewhere about stronger feelings? Somewhere. Anyways, now she deliberately kisses me just enough to twist my belly into knots and make my knees turn to jelly .. then she pulls back and laughs at me. Only to do it again ...

ARRRGGGHHH

*sigh*

I'll bet she teases her hair, too!

[Faith]

weekly photo .. eh .. despite being in a good great mood, pictures still give me fits. Here it is though:

I'm not sure why it's dark this time and I didn't feel like editing it for brightness.