Faith's Progress

[KathyLauren]

Great photo, lovely smile!  Thank you for posting it, and thanks to Sarah for getting you to post it.

[Faith]

*sigh* yes, great comments. Meanwhile I'm sitting here all worked up from all the great threads on Susan's ... and ... constantly being triggered. I can't even post the replies that I have in my head simply to express my support/well-wishes/happiness for them.  I think I need another break.

[TonyaW]

*sigh* yes, great comments. Meanwhile I'm sitting here all worked up from all the great threads on Susan's ... and ... constantly being triggered. I can't even post the replies that I have in my head simply to express my support/well-wishes/happiness for them.  I think I need another break.

Think I know what you mean.  I've seen a few recent pictures when the poster say they still see guy. My thought is if she looks that good and still sees him,  what chance do I have? 

Putting a positive spin on it, I'm not the only one and maybe everyone has this issue at least sometimes and I need to not worry about it so much.

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[Faith]

The dark clouds can come from many sources. I've been pondering mine trying to subdue some of them. I'll need lots of help yet one I think I can help myself by identifying and facing it.

The girl inside and how to dress.

When I first started transition everything was new and exciting. Now I keep looking for continued excitement. No, I don't mean that the magic wore off. I've realized that inside I have reached a comfortable level of 'don't think about it'.

In the pre- days my 'don't think about it' meant him. I walked around as 'me' with no thoughts otherwise. Unlike a lot of you that internal gender questioning didn't occur. I expressed it, unknowingly, outwardly through various actions and role-play (which I didn't recognize until looking back) .. I digress.

What I mean to say is now my 'don't think about it' is 'her'. Sure, I still have my various dark dysphoria and fears. What I am coming to recognize is that 'she' is happily settled in my head without the need to shout it out.

I felt I had to 'dress up' for me to feel her. Now I realize that whether I dress up or not, I am still her.

So, what I have been perceiving as a dark time of non-thought was in reality a comfortable bright time of self-acceptance.

It's a new feeling and not a dark one at all.

[SarahWithin]

The dark clouds can come from many sources. I've been pondering mine trying to subdue some of them. I'll need lots of help yet one I think I can help myself by identifying and facing it.

The girl inside and how to dress.

When I first started transition everything was new and exciting. Now I keep looking for continued excitement. No, I don't mean that the magic wore off. I've realized that inside I have reached a comfortable level of 'don't think about it'.

In the pre- days my 'don't think about it' meant him. I walked around as 'me' with no thoughts otherwise. Unlike a lot of you that internal gender questioning didn't occur. I expressed it, unknowingly, outwardly through various actions and role-play (which I didn't recognize until looking back) .. I digress.

What I mean to say is now my 'don't think about it' is 'her'. Sure, I still have my various dark dysphoria and fears. What I am coming to recognize is that 'she' is happily settled in my head without the need to shout it out.

I felt I had to 'dress up' for me to feel her. Now I realize that whether I dress up or not, I am still her.

So, what I have been perceiving as a dark time of non-thought was in reality a comfortable bright time of self-acceptance.

It's a new feeling and not a dark one at all.

Wonderful, Faith! We are who we are. Nothing and no one can change that fact, including ourselves. Changing our exterior appearance is only to become our complete, balanced selves. Stay positive, hon, and have a beautiful weekend!


Hugs x 2,
Sarah From Chitown
[emoji257]

[KathyLauren]

Now I realize that whether I dress up or not, I am still her.

So, what I have been perceiving as a dark time of non-thought was in reality a comfortable bright time of self-acceptance.

It's a new feeling and not a dark one at all.

That is a brilliant realization, Faith!  Way to go!

[Jessica]

I felt I had to 'dress up' for me to feel her. Now I realize that whether I dress up or not, I am still her.

So, what I have been perceiving as a dark time of non-thought was in reality a comfortable bright time of self-acceptance.

It's a new feeling and not a dark one at all.

That is a brilliant realization, Faith!  Way to go!

Kathy is so correct!  Live your life as you, not as who others want you to be.

[Faith]

We all search for information and advice. We read, we receive, we understand yet the light of understanding, realization, acceptance, (pick a word) doesn't occur until you do it for yourself.

Did I say that right?

[Anne Blake]

Hi Faith,

This is one of the best observations that I have heard from you. You so clearly state, by seeing the internalization of yourself, a huge transition step. Many of us have felt and seen this in ourselves (typically after long struggles). I am so happy to hear you making this statement! Well done sister.

Love you girlfriend,
Tia Anne & Debi

[Faith]

Kathy, Jessica, Tia, thanks. Yes we all have those AHA moments - some multiple times as we forget ourselves for a bit. This doesn't negate doubt, I have so many doubts and fears. I know who I am, what happens if that is not enough?

Living a lie in a crowd of 'friends' is bad.
Living alone as yourself is also bad.
Living as yourself in a crowd of friends is optimal.

I'd like to know I'm going to end up at that least somewhere in the middle between bad and optimal.



postings

I find posting disheartening. I stupidly crave acknowledgment, I rarely get it. Here, elsewhere, such is my life. Oh there's you few and I totally appreciate and love you for it and I should be satisfied .. why do I crave more?  Pushing my way into the edges of the crowd only to be squeezed back out to the fringes. Why should I care? Why do I care?

no, I'm not in a bad mood, I'm ruminating. I've heard that ruminating is bad for you, maybe I should stop. But then, how would I find my own answers?

[LizK]

maybe it's that age old need to be part of the crowd to feel good about ourselves. To strive, to find new friends. Some people are naturally gregarious and thrive on the company of others....some prefer their own company I suspect you are part of the former.


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[Faith]

first: LIZ! I love that profile picture 


It's been a rough few days, the weekend and M-T. *sigh* No, not going into detail. suffice it to say, I scrounged around the house until I found jeans to match with a basic slop-top. Which I also wore to work matched with sneakers and no make-up. Lori knew, of course. It bothered her so badly that she made an extra trip to my work yesterday to spend some time with me.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I at least dressed comfy with a bit of make-up


Cameras .. ugh .. they hate me, I hate them? Lori was looking at me when we were at the park the other day. She saw something, her?, and grabbed her phone to take a photo. Well, my peripheral saw her get ready and I stiffened up. The shot she wanted to get went away .. until the camera did.

I do not like my photo taken. Years/decades of ingrained dislike is hard to overcome

[Donica]

Good morning Faith. I hear you about the camera. They always say it adds 10 pounds and why that has to be is not understood. I guess it's the fish eye thing or something?

I do like what I see in the mirror and window reflections. Hopefully this is not due to defective deflections in the glass. I have yet to find a mirror or window with a bad refection unless it was at Disney Land lol or in your case, Disney World.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better today. knock em dead with that cute outfit you got for work.

Big hugs!

[Faith]

Ok, so, I decided to share today with more than one person.

I saw a top at Goodwill, it was/is a bit out of my comfort zone for style. I'm more into solids and neutrals. Basically, so I can hide better. I liked it, I bought it (we weren't supposed to buy anything  )

Well, a group of gals accosted me, other gals commented (loudly). It appears that maybe, just maybe, it suits me. I can't selfie my whole body (I've tried, big mirrors are unforgiving). Here is the one and only photo that I have, or can get. The downside? I really really look my age. The plus side, I can see lots and lots of my Mom in it!

[Northern Star Girl]

first: LIZ! I love that profile picture 


It's been a rough few days, the weekend and M-T. *sigh* No, not going into detail. suffice it to say, I scrounged around the house until I found jeans to match with a basic slop-top. Which I also wore to work matched with sneakers and no make-up. Lori knew, of course. It bothered her so badly that she made an extra trip to my work yesterday to spend some time with me.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I at least dressed comfy with a bit of make-up


Cameras .. ugh .. they hate me, I hate them? Lori was looking at me when we were at the park the other day. She saw something, her?, and grabbed her phone to take a photo. Well, my peripheral saw her get ready and I stiffened up. The shot she wanted to get went away .. until the camera did.

I do not like my photo taken. Years/decades of ingrained dislike is hard to overcome

@Faith
Dear Faith:
In the past I have had wonderful friends that I have taken photos of, and as soon as I point the camera their way, their lovely facial expression and posture turn into a forced smile or frown and a stiff and less candid appearing posture.   It is called "camera fright" and it can ruin what is otherwise a great photo.

Don't you know, and I have mentioned this in previous comments to you... that "cameras and mirrors are not always a girl's best friend!!!"

Your pictures that you post show a lovely woman... please don't allow yourself to be discouraged.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Faith]

@Faith
Dear Faith:
In the past I have had wonderful friends that I have taken photos of, and as soon as I point the camera their way, their lovely facial expression and posture turn into a forced smile or frown and a stiff and less candid appearing posture.   It is called "camera fright" and it can ruin what is otherwise a great photo.

Don't you know, and I have mentioned this in previous comments to you... that "cameras and mirrors are not always a girl's best friend!!!"

hey Danielle!!

Yes, I agree. I really am trying to be more open to photos, it's hard

[Northern Star Girl]

hey Danielle!!

Yes, I agree. I really am trying to be more open to photos, it's hard

@Faith
Dear Faith:
Your pictures that you post show a lovely woman... please don't allow yourself to be discouraged.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Faith]

@Faith
Dear Faith:
Your pictures that you post show a lovely woman... please don't allow yourself to be discouraged.
Hugs,
Danielle

The gals here at work have been a big help. they don't try to boost my ego or anything, they just accept me. I honestly cannot think of any of the gals here that are offended/insulted/disgusted (you name it). They have all been great.

I am my biggest hurdle

[TonyaW]

Faith

Quite the colorful top. It suits you.


Cameras are funny things.  I read some tips somewhere and the first one was take lots of them. More to choose from means better chance of liking one. I think I keep 10% or less of what I take and share maybe 10% of those.


For selfies one tip was use the timer and something to prop up the camera so you don't have to hold it. Another was use a bluetooth remote voice commands to take the picture.  Most smartphone cameras can be voice controlled.

Just being one of the girls is what we want,  isn't it?

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[Faith]

today started rough. I have an appointment after work so I wanted to be a bit dressy.

Well .. my eyeliner (that I seldom use) went on too heavy, smeared, made a mess, had to clean it off (best that I could). Back to simple violet eye shadow and dark mascara.

I decided it was long enough on my ear studs, I'd take them out and put in some danglies. Well, I couldn't get the ball unscrewed off the stud, I ended up bleeding (not rivers, enough to color my q-tip when I cleaned) and sore. The ball never did come off .. no danglies.

I had taken my 'Faith' necklace off last night (chain gets hot when on a heat pad). I tried to put it back on this morning, nope!. The ends are to small for my fingers. By the time I'd get a grip either I couldn't seem them under my fingers or they'd slip before I got around my neck.  I tried 5-6 times, no go. Frustration and tears mounted up and up ... I stuffed it into my purse .. maybe later.

I made it to work. I didn't dress down, it is casual Friday, I am in my white jeans and sparkly blue top though ... as opposed to dressing up for my appointment *sigh*

After my breakfast snacks and coffee and a walk around the parking lot, I managed to get my necklace on. I had to reverse the chain so that the spring clip was in my right hand. Got it after 2 tries.

Why was the necklace so important, aside from the fact that Lori bought it? Well, she bought it for my 1 year rebirthday / anniversary ... which is today

Today I have lunch with my 2 best work gal friends in celebration.
Today I am 1 year old, going on 14, going on 59.