A wish-list to help my wife accept me

[sf_erika]

My wife is still getting used to me being trans, and while she has been supportive and accepting, it's clear that she's still not entirely comfortable with everything yet.  Presently, she has seen a picture of my authentic self (and liked it  ), but she's not ready to meet the real me yet.  I can only present as Erika when I am home alone, and even though she does know when I'm doing it, I generally have to hide the evidence afterwards so that she doesn't have to see it. 

I've been trying to figure out a way that we can accommodate both of our needs, have open communication, and still move forward on my journey together.  My therapist and I came up with the idea of putting together a "wish list" of next steps that I feel I need to do to move my journey forward.  That way, she's clear as to what I need, but she can tell me when she's ready to accept a specific item.  Maybe there's something on the list that is not a big deal to her, and we can cross it off, and gradually narrow things down to the things that are a little more difficult for her.  My wife and I discussed that we can generally move through the list as she's comfortable, but I can tell her if my dysphoria gets really bad and in that case, she promises to push herself a little harder.

I don't know if this will work, but it seemed like a good way to make my journey less about "me" and more about "us."  Also, I don't want to wake up every morning and ask "Is it OK if I shave my legs today?  How about now?  Tomorrow? Are we there yet?"

The problem is that I don't know what all I want to put on the list.  So far, it's mostly: shave body (legs, upper body, armpits, etc.), have her meet Erika, stop having to hide Erika's things (hang clothes in closet, toss them in the normal laundry), go to the therapist as Erika.  There are a few others, but that's the gist. 

I guess I'm curious from everyone (but especially from those who have had marriages survive this time), what else should I be thinking about?  What were some important milestones in your early days of discovering your gender identity?  What were important milestones in spouse's lives?  Milestones in the relationship?  If you were to turn back the clock, what would you include on such a list? 

Looking forward to hearing what everyone thinks!

Erika

[Tammy Jade]

Hey, that sounds like quite a good idea particularly if your wife supports the wish list idea as well.

It's a huge adjustment for your partner not just you and if ur marriage is going to survive it's going to need really good communication.

Things I would have had on my list:

Underdressing
Piercings
Growing hair out
Nails
Going shopping together
Going out together with Tamara.
Going to my therapist with me.

My partner found underdressing a really easy first step..

Going straight from Tynan to Tamara almost ended our relationship so stepping back and introducing aspects of Tamara over time really made a huge difference (so I have been told)

Iv said this before in another topic, but my partner said she felt as if she was losing her husband to someone she didn't know and taking it slowly really helped her to get to know the new me.

Hope that helps.


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[Gertrude]

It's little by little and the time table should be flexible. I started with letting my hair grow. If you go to fast, she may feel she's being pushed. Do you go to therapist appointments dressed?


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[sf_erika]

I have not yet gone to the therapist as my authentic self, although I'm aching to do so.  For some reason, i want my wife to meet Erika first.  But if she's not able to do that for a while, then I may just have to start going anyway.  In any event, I'm putting it on the list, so that it's something that is out there and we can talk about. 

Tammy - good thoughts.  I think I'm going to adopt some of those things


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[RobynTx]

That's a great idea.  Wish I had thought of that.  Luckily my wife has been very accepting as long as I go slow.  It's kinda hard to go slow.  It's like getting your driver license and you already have a car but you can only drive it for five minutes a week.

Mine has been surprising me every now and then.  Last week when discussing the renewing of our vows next year she mentioned both of us in dresses.  I have to admit my heart went into a flutter and that's all I could think about for three days.

Immediately after coming out to my wife I started some changes.  I started shaving my body, wearing toe nail polish and wearing feminine undergarments.  She actually went and shopped with me some.  Matter of fact some of the panties I found she liked so she got some for herself.

I wish you lots of luck in the future.  Just be respectful to each other and one's own self.  You can do this. 

[sf_erika]

That's a great idea.  Wish I had thought of that.  Luckily my wife has been very accepting as long as I go slow.  It's kinda hard to go slow.  It's like getting your driver license and you already have a car but you can only drive it for five minutes a week.

So true!  I would knock out my entire list in one weekend if I could, but I do want to respect her comfort level.

Mine has been surprising me every now and then.  Last week when discussing the renewing of our vows next year she mentioned both of us in dresses.  I have to admit my heart went into a flutter and that's all I could think about for three days.

That sounds like a dream!  I only hope to have a moment like that soon!

I wish you lots of luck in the future.  Just be respectful to each other and one's own self.  You can do this.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  It definitely gets difficult at times, and it's definitely good to hear that other people have done it. 

Hugs,
Erika

[Sarah77]

I think you are bery wise in your approach. Put yourself in your wife's head and think wha she would need.

I also think reassuring her that you are still you. "Erika" is not someone else, or her rival.

[AlyssaJ]

Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine.  I made a list similar to what you are talking about.  Basically it was a set of progressive steps for what I would wear around the house culminating in me being full time.  Here's the list I put together:

1.   Women's jeans, shorts, tennis shoes and casual shirts at home
2.   Painted nails (finger and/or toe nails, visible color)
3.   Jewelry Visible (Necklaces, rings, other earrings, Fitbit bands, etc.)
4.   Eye Liner
5.   Casual skirts, hosiery
6.   All shoes (heels, flats, etc.)
7.   Dresses, dress shirts, dress skirts
8.   All Makeup
9.   Breast forms and Wigs (if still desired/necessary)

[Tommie_9]

I started "revealing" myself slowly over the last three years. Beginning by not hiding my women's underwear, then painting my nails, then getting both ears pierced and wearing earrings, wearing girly clothes and so on. I make sure we communicate every day, and that I'm open about my feelings and at the same time empathetic toward her's. I started seeing a great gender therapist a week ago. Today was my second visit, and I've presented both times as a binary female so my therapist could see the real me - honestly it's easier for me because she's a woman. When I got home from my appointment today, my wife complimented me on my "cute outfit" but said she'd rather see it on herslef than me, kinda kidding, but no so much, if you know what I mean. I can tell my wife is struggling with this, but she's putting up a good front, and we still have a great marriage. I've only come out to my side of the family, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to come out intentionally to her conservative family -- they're loving and kind people, but this would freak them out totally. I want to protect her, and that's an okay thing. I'll let her make that decision if the time comes. The plan is for her to go with me on one of my appointments soon to work on how we manage this going forward. The key for us has been that we had a strong marriage to start with, and as another member has said, going slow is probably best. All the best in your journey together.

[Gertrude]

I started "revealing" myself slowly over the last three years. Beginning by not hiding my women's underwear, then painting my nails, then getting both ears pierced and wearing earrings, wearing girly clothes and so on. I make sure we communicate every day, and that I'm open about my feelings and at the same time empathetic toward her's. I started seeing a great gender therapist a week ago. Today was my second visit, and I've presented both times as a binary female so my therapist could see the real me - honestly it's easier for me because she's a woman. When I got home from my appointment today, my wife complimented me on my "cute outfit" but said she'd rather see it on herslef than me, kinda kidding, but no so much, if you know what I mean. I can tell my wife is struggling with this, but she's putting up a good front, and we still have a great marriage. I've only come out to my side of the family, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to come out intentionally to her conservative family -- they're loving and kind people, but this would freak them out totally. I want to protect her, and that's an okay thing. I'll let her make that decision if the time comes. The plan is for her to go with me on one of my appointments soon to work on how we manage this going forward. The key for us has been that we had a strong marriage to start with, and as another member has said, going slow is probably best. All the best in your journey together.

My wife's family isn't so conservative per se, but they were raised RC and she's deadly worried about what her 85 year old mom would think. On top of this, she thinks that trudie is trying do get rid of Jim... but I told her recently that trudie invented what she knows as Jim. At what point do we live according to our will , even if our spouses aren't on board or completely on board? My therapist tells me that things usually don't turn out as bad as we make them out to be. He also says we live too much in the shadow of our parents parenting. At some point, if we want to live authentic lives, we need to make that leap. At some point, pain of inauthenticity and shame is too much.


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[sf_erika]

I thought it was worth thanking everyone for their replies.  I put a list together of some steps I need to take, some easier than others, and she has already started to cross some things off.  So far, it seems like this will be a good way for us to work together on my journey.

Her first couple of things to cross off the list included being able to put my female clothing/underwear in the general laundry, and also being able to put the clothing in the closet and dresser with my male clothing (I have normally had to keep the female stuff out of view, stuffed in a suitcase).  Interestingly, when I wrote that on the list, i thought of it as one of the smaller steps.  But as I was putting my panties and bras in my underwear drawer, and hanging up my dresses and tops in the closet, a sense of freedom/happiness overtook me.  Never in my life have I been able to just put panties in my underwear drawer, or hang a dress, as if they were a normal part of my wardrobe.

What a powerful feeling!


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[Tommie_9]

I thought it was worth thanking everyone for their replies.  I put a list together of some steps I need to take, some easier than others, and she has already started to cross some things off.  So far, it seems like this will be a good way for us to work together on my journey.

Her first couple of things to cross off the list included being able to put my female clothing/underwear in the general laundry, and also being able to put the clothing in the closet and dresser with my male clothing (I have normally had to keep the female stuff out of view, stuffed in a suitcase).  Interestingly, when I wrote that on the list, i thought of it as one of the smaller steps.  But as I was putting my panties and bras in my underwear drawer, and hanging up my dresses and tops in the closet, a sense of freedom/happiness overtook me.  Never in my life have I been able to just put panties in my underwear drawer, or hang a dress, as if they were a normal part of my wardrobe.

What a powerful feeling!


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That's great, Erika! It's very empowering to be open like that. When I bought my first women's bikini panties I wanted to avoid her shock and my embarrassment of her discovering them by accident, so I modeled them for her the very first day. I think at the time she thought it was just a fetish, but she was okay with me wearing them. It's all I've worn ever since. Good vibes your way, girl!

[DawnOday]

Work your way into it by joining a support group. The support group gives you at least a couple hours a week or month to be you along with others being themselves. Even I am attending now en femme. The confidence I am gaining is  how safe I feel. The other great thing is you can take your wife along and educate her. I just went to the Gender Odyssey convention last weekend and It was a crash course on transgender challanges and solutions, so worth it I initially dressed stealth but by the third day I was secure enough to add my sexy self to the mix. :-)

[gallinarosa]

Interestingly, when I wrote that on the list, i thought of it as one of the smaller steps.  But as I was putting my panties and bras in my underwear drawer, and hanging up my dresses and tops in the closet, a sense of freedom/happiness overtook me.

As a wife of an MtF spouse, I want to say I love this idea. And I love that you are able to find so much pleasure in what you thought was a "small step". Being able to appreciate every step will certainly bring you more joy in life and might also making going slower for your wife's sake more bearable for you.

My spouse and I have been sort of doing this but more one step at a time than to tackle the whole list. But he (he still prefers male pronouns) is still at a more cautious, self-discovery phase. So we talk together to brainstorm ideas about what the next step could be. I find sometimes I suggest things he is not ready for. The most notable changes are probably shaving and related to gender roles within our house. He is done with trying to be manly enough at home.

The dialog has also helped give me a sense about what gives him joy and helps affirm his identity. And every so often, I can surprise him with something small and passing that would have never made it to a list. Like the other day, my daughter (who does not know) was playing "spa" and invited me to her spa for a "treatment". I asked her if I could bring her dad along (as I know it pains him when he feels left out of something because it is for "girls"). Of course she was delighted to have another "customer". I was glad to see a small thing like that really light up my spouse's face

Also, I was surprised at how small changes in the bedroom activity were not overwhelming to me but very powerful for my spouse (without even dressing differently).

Good luck to you and your wife. You sound like you're on the right track! If she ever needs to talk, PM me.

[JoanneB]

My wife knew from Day 1 about my gender issues and was supportive to a point. Back then I was "Just a CD". Still, there were limits.

Lesson #1  No Secrets.
Lesson #1 1/2  No Too much too fast
Lesson #1 sub-text - No Surprises

Tricky to balance. Which is where the "Wish List" is a nice idea of what the "Current" limits are. FOr us it was no need to hide my fem clothes. Just seeing them in the drawer with my other undies was nice.  This soon sort of morphed into occasionally wearing panties rather then guy undies. I just had to sort of let her know, usually towards evening, as a courtesy just so she wasn't surprised.   

We are both water creatures so any body shaving was problematic during the warmer months. Arms were always out. Way too noticeable for her early on even though I wasn't exactly hairy.

In time it was her who asked if it would be OK with me if she stayed around the house during my "escapes from maleness" rather then spending the afternoon or more shopping or otherwise away. Talk about nervous!  I'm sure she was too.

WARNING:  This is when "Reality" sets in. In her case it was seeing Joanne for days, maybe a week afterwards. A major buzz-kill for any sort of intimacy. YMMV

In general - You need to sort out Needs vs Wants. Balancing all the other aspects of your life. Which also includes your emotional health. For me, all the Shame & Guilt of being trans also carried a lot of baggage. Feeling Accepted rather then dirty or wrong was important.

[sf_erika]

I thought it was worth sharing a happy update...

In the past few month, my wife and I have been working our way through the list, and it has been a great way to collaborate on my journey.  I have built up my wardrobe a bit, have been spending time with my wife as my authentic self, have been going to therapy as Erika, and have slowly been going out in public a bit more.  I think it's safe to say that I now live part-time as a woman (which is exhilarating to write).

We recently had a discussion about where that journey goes, and I explained that, with each day that goes by, it's harder to imagine myself continuing life as a man.  We've started to discuss transition and what that means for us.  We've even put together a rough timeline of stuff that includes electrolysis, HRT, telling the kids, coming out socially, etc.

A few months ago, I started each day with dread, anxiety and fear.  Not quite sure how I could make it through each day.  Even though I am still a little bit away from taking the next steps, I see them coming.  There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel.  Not only am I on my way to an authentic life, but I have the incredible good fortune to be taking that journey with the love and support of my soulmate. 

Sometime about a week ago, I noticed that, for the first time in a long time, I haven't been starting each day with anxiety.  Instead, each day has begun with the euphoric feeling that it is the first day of the rest of my life.

I know I have a ways to go, and there will still be ups and downs, but everything feels so right at the moment.  What a great feeling!  [emoji2]


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