Wanting to start transitioning but, then few weeks later second guessing?

[PeterSteele]

I haven't transitioned but, I really want to. I'm currently 14 and don't live with parents who support me. The one who does support me is my mom and my step mom won't let me live with her cause she enjoys watching me suffer here. I'm being honest. I want to be a boy and start T but, then I don't. I know I need to speak to a gender therapist to even start transitioning permanently but, it's just what I think right now and I want to know what you think. So, the reasons I want to transition is, I feel more comfortable being a boy than a girl. I hate hearing my feminine birth name and being called a girl. Whenever I try to be a girl (I tried over this summer) and I lost all my confidence, very low self esteem, became very passive, and just not ever thinking before actions. I'm not saying women are like that I know some who are masculine and still girls some that are very independent and looked upon. I just can't do that being a girl. Trying to be one just make me so shy and lose who I am. Took me awhile to go back to who I was. Now here are some reasons why I'm second guessing transitioning, The discrimination, money, the fear of regretting it, and just anything bad happening. I just truly don't want to transition then regret it and feel as if i looked better before. What if I become not comfortable with some changes or it makes the people who supported me kinda not support me so much cause I become I guess unattractive? Anyways, I really want to try and move in with my mom and start transitioning, more than likely my step mom will ruin it.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Peter,

I have seem some of your other posts and I didn't know you were so young. My advice would be to find a therapist, but you already know that. The most important thing right now is to really be sure of what you want and who you are. Do not make a permanent decision if you are still confused.

Also, you have plenty of time to start HRT and you will be fine. Testosterone is very strong and I've seen transmen who start way older than you who look amazing.


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[Elis]

Even up to the day of receiving my T prescription I was hesitant and kept worrying about what could go wrong. This pretty much lasted a few months after taking T until I realised I enjoyed the changes; both mental and physical. I think you can't be 100% sure; which is kinda a good thing as it means you've thought through the cons as well. As long as you're happy with taking it that's all that matters. What it comes down too is is the hormonal balance in your body exasperating your mental health and would you rather risk being an unnattractive looking male on T rather than an attractive looking woman without it. If both answers are yes T is very very likely the right choice.

[jordn]

Now here are some reasons why I'm second guessing transitioning, The discrimination, money, the fear of regretting it, and just anything bad happening. I just truly don't want to transition then regret it and feel as if i looked better before. What if I become not comfortable with some changes or it makes the people who supported me kinda not support me so much cause I become I guess unattractive?

Here's what I think...
Discrimination: Yes, discrimination might be a problem at first, but with time you'll learn to deal with jerks. HRT helps a lot to blend in.

Money: Yeah, well...

Fear of regret: You can't go on HRT and get surgeries unless a psychologist approves it, and they'll not approve it unless they feel that you're ready for it and that you'll not regret it.

Anything bad happening: Like what... you accidentally turning into a brain-eating zombie? lol. Bad things can happen anywhere anytime, like a plane crash, but it does not mean that people should stop flying on planes. Just be smart enough to avoid dangerous situations.

Looks: Isn't that the whole point of transitioning... to change looks? You are not gonna start looking like a molten wax statue. You'll just grow more hair on your face and body. Mostly.

People: If you are talking about relationships, then attractions are based on personality, not just looks. Besides, breakups are also a part of life and they are kinda overrated. You'll find someone who finds you attractive for who you are. You are young, you have plenty of time.

Lastly, all of these are just fears, some possibilities, there is no guarantee that things will always go wrong. There are equal chances that things might get better. Think positive.

[Just_M]

I'm second guessing transitioning, The discrimination, money, the fear of regretting it, and just anything bad happening. I just truly don't want to transition then regret it and feel as if i looked better before. What if I become not comfortable with some changes or it makes the people who supported me kinda not support me so much cause I become I guess unattractive?

I can totally relate to this. I am twice your age and luckily I don't live with my family - although they would totally disapprove if I did any changes as they did when they found out I wasn't straight, and this is a burden and a trauma that I will carry my entire life.
I feel that, if I ever was to transition, and even now that I am changing the way I dress, it's like I am some weird in-between thing. I've always been socially perceived as a good lucking woman, although I don't intend to nor want that sort of attention. I know of some people who are attracted to me, and I feel like if I transition or whatever, I would lose people's interest in me or just scare them away. Like, if I'm single now, I feel like later I'm going to be even more single!
Does that happen to you too guys?

[TransAm]

I can totally relate to this. I am twice your age and luckily I don't live with my family - although they would totally disapprove if I did any changes as they did when they found out I wasn't straight, and this is a burden and a trauma that I will carry my entire life.
I feel that, if I ever was to transition, and even now that I am changing the way I dress, it's like I am some weird in-between thing. I've always been socially perceived as a good lucking woman, although I don't intend to nor want that sort of attention. I know of some people who are attracted to me, and I feel like if I transition or whatever, I would lose people's interest in me or just scare them away. Like, if I'm single now, I feel like later I'm going to be even more single!
Does that happen to you too guys?

Even when you're attractive as a woman, most of us (yourself included based on what you said) don't want the sort of attention that comes with it. Therefore, remaining an attractive woman for the sake of being an attractive woman is meaningless as you ultimately reap no benefits since you push those away that are attracted to the femininity in the first place.

Transitioning is definitely a crapshoot but no more so than your first bout with puberty. Sometimes it boils down to what you're feeling on the inside more than what people are seeing on the outside.

[MeTony]

I'm still on the waiting list to gender therapy.

I think if you get too stuck in how you look you will be and remain unhappy. I can be a gorgeous woman. I've tried that once. My grandmother didn't recognize me, she passed me 3 times!!! It was on my sister's wedding.

But I don't feel at home in that charade.

The one thing that attracts people is PERSONALITY. have you ever felt attracted to people that "look normal". Not the best looking guy or girl. Personality brings us together. Not the looks. Personality makes us WANT to know the other person. When you know the other person you might become friends or more.

Sexual attraction is another thing. You can't build a relationship based on only on sexual attraction and no personality match. What will you talk about? What will you do? Besides having sex?

My advice to you is to stop rocking the boat. Sit tight and see when you hit land. There is no hurry to change. Let a gender therapist help you navigate on your journey.

I'm 40 and have recently come out to a lot of people. Because the time is right. I am ready. Before being ready, take it easy on yourself. There is no timelimit you need to finish. If you take your time and carefully think it through, there won't be regrets, because you will know yourself, who you are.


Tony

[TK9NY]

One of the good things about being so young is that you don't HAVE to decide right away. You have time. Starting early isn't necessarily a positive, though for some it is. Some endocrinologists won't even prescribe HRT to patients in your age range.

I'm 29 and i JUST started HRT. There is no deadline.

What you need to do is explore your options, and to do that you need a gender therapist. If people in your life are not supportive then just tell them that you need to speak to someone who knows what they're doing so you can come to terms with your feelings over the matter - you don't even need to say "i need help deciding to transition". Don't give them any hope that you won't, either. Just say "i need help" and leave it at that.

Transitioning IS about more than changing your appearance to affirm your identity. That's a huge part of it, sure, but you aren't the only one effected by it. Which is why therapy is important. You becoming "male" is going to effect everyone around you. Your parents, step parents, siblings, friends, people at school, and in the future possibly even co-workers. Neighbors. Yes, you may face discrimination. Yes, there may be medical side effects. Yes, you may have issues dating. Yes, there may be changes you don't like. Being read as MALE is very different from being read as FEMALE and there ARE certain things that change in life when going from one to another.

Again, that is why a therapist is beneficial. Start there.

[Just_M]

I'm 40 and have recently come out to a lot of people. Because the time is right. I am ready. Before being ready, take it easy on yourself. There is no timelimit you need to finish. If you take your time and carefully think it through, there won't be regrets, because you will know yourself, who you are.

I wish I could be as wise as you. I guess I have trouble seeing 'the bigger picture' and that's when anxiety kicks in.

Being read as MALE is very different from being read as FEMALE and there ARE certain things that change in life when going from one to another.

How is being read as male different from being read as female? Could you please give us more details on this matter? Thanks!

[DawnOday]

Peter... At fourteen you have opportunity to decide where your future is going. Do an Indeed search to see what jobs in your area that are non discriminatory. Just under job description, enter "Transgender" and then the city you want to work in. There appear to be many professional jobs that engage diversity. So from that I gather an education will put you ahead of the game. A career is a competition not a right. It's what you can contribute to the bottom line. You save your employer money and make yourself invaluable like being able to do three jobs at once. It won't matter so much. Better yet get educated to run your own business. Be sure to talk to your school counselors for advice on course of study. It appears to be a recovery in manufacturing and your gender does not matter. But a good technical college education can get you that job. Working retail is tuff because there is so much competition of people with low skills fighting over the same low paying jobs. Machinists make, at least on the west coast $20 - $25 an hour to start. Same goes with plumbers, electricians.  Your biggest advantage is that the old folks are adverse to change which affords you opportunity if you want to take it. Besides running machines you get educated in programming which can be a separate career path on it's own. Also medical is a good field if you have education. I hope you don't take this as some old fart giving life advice. It's just the way the world is headed, I'm afraid.

[TK9NY]

How is being read as male different from being read as female? Could you please give us more details on this matter? Thanks!

In general, men and women are looked at differently and are expected to act in different ways and are even responded to in different ways. Men interacting with each other is usually different to how a man interacts with a woman, two women interact with one another differently than a woman may interact with a man.

I hope that makes sense?

The way my therapist put it: if you're walking down the street at night and there is a woman walking towards you on the same street, if you present as a man then she's more likely to go around you (possibly even cross the street) where as if you present as a woman she might ignore you or even greet you as she goes by. He's had it happen to him.

I think the point i was trying to make initially, though, is that there is no rush to transition and that a gender therapist is a good starting point. They may bring things up that you never would have thought about. They'll certainly help you navigate the transition, personally AND socially.  And will help with any concerns (the OP mentioned discrimination, "bad things", etc).

[Jay83]

I had similar doubts before starting T.  I was afraid of losing my family, my job, etc.  I came to a point where all the consequences seemed small compared to having to live the rest of my life being seen as female.  So I started T.  I started on a very high dose (per my doctor's directions) and had some minor medical issues as a result.  I chose to go off T after 2 months, partially because of the medical issues and partially because it seemed like things were changing super fast.  In 2 months of being on T, and now 6 months off, the only change that hasn't reverted back is my voice, and its not really noticeable to most people.  While T isn't something you want to go on and off and on and off, just because you start doesn't mean you have to stay on it.  You can change your mind, you're in charge of the changes you make.  obviously there are some limits to that since you are underage, but what i mean is, no one should tell you you have to make any change you aren't ready for/ don't want.  Even though I had a rough 2 months with T if i had it to do over I totally would, and I haven't taken the possibility of going back on T "off the table" so to speak.  Most of the fears i had going on T were unfounded.  I didnt lose my job, my family is weird but they were weird before.  The descrimination, dirty looks etc actually seemed to be less while I was on T, possibly because I was more confidant? 

[kk]

Hey, you're figuring this out at 14 which means you have a helluva start on me!  I didn't even know trans people existed until I was like 18 or 19, and didn't realize I might be one until 22.

It's good you're recognizing the problems between you and happiness -- that means you know what needs to be fixed, and you can get started fixing it.  I hope you can find a way to move in with your mom and get into a supportive environment.  In the meantime, check out transgender resources online; you might have already found there's many positive voices on YouTube and Instagram.

I spent several years doubting myself but ultimately came to the conclusion that I am trans and I want to transition, I'm just a weenie who is scared of the changes and discrimination that will come with it.  But hell, right now people read me as a dyke and treat me pretty crappy sometimes, so how much worse could it get? lol

I also tried being a girl several times, and the same thing happened: became reserved, no self-esteem, hated everything about it.  There's nothing wrong with that; you can't help who you are.

As for "transitioning permanently," I've read that you can try T for a few weeks to a few months, and if you don't like it you can detransition and mostly go back to how you were before.  So really, besides coming up with the money, there's no reason not to try it if you want to and are able to.

Good luck, and keep us updated on your progress.

[PurpleWolf]

I socially transitioned at 13-14, meaning I started presenting as a boy and changed my name (not legally, obviously). My family is unsupportive so they tried SO HARD to make me conform to back being a girl... [cringe] I tried that for few months at 14 - and it made me contemplate suicide, I was so unhappy and it felt so wrong. I felt like a guy in drag, basically. I wore girl clothes and a bra - but inside felt I was still a guy...!

This was YEARS ago - I'm an adult know - and though I still haven't been able to transition (due to various reasons, access, money etc.), I've always felt a guy inside since. I used to pass sometimes even without hormones - right now I don't, so I'm basically read as a woman/some weirdo . I still have huge fears about starting T. But I still want to be read as male - that hasn't changed since I was 13...!

Also I didn't "always" know (before the age of 13). Before that I played with girl toys etc. - but mostly because my family refused my every request to get any "boy" toy etc... I wasn't ever allowed to have a single piece of masculine clothing either :/. So this was wearing me heavily back then because I feared "I was not really trans" for not having "always known". Now I have combed through my life & childhood and come to the conclusion that actually "I always knew". Inside I felt weird on many occasions... and did gravitate towards boy things but was hugely shamed for it. But before the age of 13 I identified as a girl (though fantasized of being read as a boy). This is to say that if you have those fears that you are "confused" or something because you haven't "always" stated you are a boy or presented as a boy before, those fears are unfounded .

What matters the most is how you feel right now. Take one step at a time! Concentrate on the now, not years ahead. You don't have to get on hormones yet, I still haven't and it's ok, . Don't feel pressured to decide, ever! (I'm still not 100% certain I will ever get on them.) Approach this from a curious point of view. Ask yourself questions as "Does this feel right?" "Do I feel good about this?" "Does this [whatever] make me happy?" etc.

But don't DENY yourself the freedom to self-identify as a boy if that's what feels right right now! You don't need to decide whether to go on T or not. You can try to visit a gender therapist, though, and feel things around . But if presenting as a boy feels the most comfortable right now, do that! Use your preferred pronouns, name and clothes. Present as a boy to your heart's content! 

Don't EVER let yourself be forced to present as a girl if that does not feel right to you!

Concentrate on what feels right on the inside: Does being seen as a boy make you smile?

Remember that not ALL guys ever get on T! (Take Ryan Cassata as an example.) But my advice: Take one day at a time. Always know that if you wanted, you can always reverse back tomorrow, ! That idea might help. It might help to know that you can reverse back even after years of taking T. People have done it! So, if some day you magically "felt a girl again", know that you can always go back presenting as a female! But as long as you feel like a boy inside, just let yourself be. The first thing is to get to the supportive gender therapist.

As an addition I highly recommend this book:
You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery
by Dara Hoffman-Fox (licensed gender therapist)

It has helped me tremendously. It is not a read - it only contains exercises to contemplate your gender and everything and tips to battle anxiety etc. Things you would discuss at a gender therapist's office. At least get the book if you can't go to a gender therapist right now!

But never EVER let anyone pressure you into anything!

[meatwagon]

long before i was able to start T, i started coming out to friends/family and wearing gender-appropriate clothes, cutting my hair, etc.  i also had a bad weight problem around that time (unrelated medical issue), and of course all my fat goes to my face and my hips/thighs... so i was stuck in a state of looking like a really unattractive girl at worst, and an unattractive nothing at best.  before all that, i was very "pretty" as a girl.  i was thinner, i wore makeup and flattering, feminine clothes.  but i wasn't happy at all and i had no idea that i was good-looking as a girl because everything was just wrong or didn't feel like it was really mine.  i had no confidence, so i thought i was ugly no matter what anyone said.  after coming out and quitting the girly facade, i looked at older photos of myself and then it hit me that i had been an attractive girl.  and looking like an ugly "nothing" didn't do anything for my confidence.  there were times i wished i could just take it all back and live as a girl again after i got my weight under control, because life would be easier that way... but i never did, because i knew i was doing all this for a reason.  and my reason wasn't because i thought i was ugly as a girl so maybe i'd make a better guy.  that would be ridiculous!  i was uncomfortable living as something i wasn't, no matter how attractive i was from an outside perspective.  i was stuck not passing as male, but i didn't want to go back to being female even if i would have had a chance to not only look better, but to be treated better by everyone around me.  people don't like things that don't fit their expectations, and that especially includes gender.  if they can't tell what you are or you don't check the right boxes for the gender they see you as, you're probably going to get some negativity--maybe even from people you thought were more understanding.  but you'll also find out who your real friends are, and those are the ones worth keeping in your life.  the opinions of those who only care about appearances and things that don't affect them aren't going to be worth your time worrying about.  because they'll never change no matter who you are or what you do.   
fast forward, i've started T but i still don't pass.  the weight has gotten under control, but i will never be that pretty young lady i was years ago, and i don't want to be.  i realized along the way that i'd be much happier as the world's ugliest man than i would as the prettiest girl.  and the more i embrace my own interests and look out for myself, wearing things i like instead of things people expect me to wear, acting in a way that comes naturally to me, the more happy and confident i am in spite of everything.  it's worth it for me to reach my goals because they come from my heart and i'm doing what i know i need to do for myself, and no one else.

sorry for the long personal story, but i felt like the feelings behind it were relevant.  hopefully it helps to have some added perspective from people who've been in similar situations of worrying about "no going back".  because there is a point where you can't go back, and that's always going to be scary, but when you're doing it for your own good, whether or not others like it will matter less and less.

you have the benefit of being able to consider this as an option while you're still very young.  you've got a few years to really think about how you feel and your reasons for wanting to transition (or not).  if you're not entirely sure that it's right for you now, even if just because you don't feel like you're in a good environment for it (living with parents who have control over your life is a BIG thing to take into consideration) or don't have enough support, there's no rush to do anything.  you don't have to start coming out or dressing differently or any of that stuff, never mind taking any permanent steps, until you're ready.  because this is all about you, and there are a lot of things to think about before you will be sure what's right.  but when you know what feels right, the only way to get it is to throw away the security blanket and go for it.  putting things off out of fear of the unknown will only leave you in an uncomfortable limbo until you make a move.