So today makes exactly 4 months since starting MTF HRT. I am so incredibly happy about that!!! Things have definitely been changing. Not only physically, but mentally as well. My breasts are to a point where they are starting to be harder to hide, not that I care about trying to hide them. Which brings me to the most awesome change of all.... A mental change. Where in the past I was so incredibly paranoid about going out presenting as female. I always thought of my face as being way too masculine to ever have any chance whatsoever of passing. And that's one of the things that kept me from even attempting this whole thing for so many years. However, since being on HRT......for one, tiny little subtle changes have been happening in my face to where already, when I look at pictures of myself from 6 months ago, it doesn't even look like me to myself. And when I look in the mirror now, I am starting to see a female looking back at me.
Well, I have been very bald for quite some time. Baldness doesn't exactly make me feel very feminine. So my wife knew how much hair means to me and that that was one of my biggest hurdles at this time in my transition process. So she called around and found the best wig shop she could find up in Denver called Hanna Designs. And my birthday is this week, so we made a little birthday trip out of it. Went to the wig shop, and Hanna, the woman that owns it is extremely nice and helpful and trans friendly. I sat down in the chair, and she immediately started using female pronouns for me without me even telling her that's what I preferred. And she was asking how my wife and I met, and how my wife found out I was trans and when. And she was super helpful and friendly, and looked me over good so she could try to decide what wigs to start with. She brought a few out, and put them on me one at a time, and her, my wife and myself all would decide if that one was a keeper or not, and we did this for a while til we narrowed it down to the perfect one. And of course the owner knew I would want to wear it out of there. So she left it on my head and cut the price tag off and we paid and left. And let me tell you!!! I walked out of that place feeling like a whole new person! An absolute wave of happiness came over me. I was already dressed very feme as it was, so now to have my outfit complete with very beautiful hair that looks very real and natural, knowing that we were about to go out and spend the entire rest of the day in Denver for my first time ever actually presenting as female in public, was just the absolute most amazing, happy feeling! My hair loss has been extremely hard on me. If I was a man, it wouldn't be so bad. But I am a woman, so it is VERY bad! So it is amazing that there are such good wigs out there that look so good and real.
We are huge coffee fans and always look for the best coffee shops every time we travel. So we went to a few different coffee shops while in Denver, and went and walked through some womens clothing stores, and just had a really nice time. Two women just having a date in Denver. ha ha.
Oh yes, I had mentioned changes that have happened. One of the biggest changes that I have experienced mentally, is not giving a damn what people think anymore. I used to be soooo paranoid about what other people would think about me if I presented as female in public knowing that I probably will not pass. This paranoia and fear held me back for a very long time. But here recently, due to some awesome discoveries in self acceptance, as well as my awesome gender therapist, but most importantly a very supportive and loving wife who encourages me. Here recently I have found myself no longer giving a damn what anyone thinks. We went to Denver on Saturday, then came back home to Colorado Springs on Saturday night. Sunday I decided I was going to wear my wig out and about again. Colorado Springs is far more conservative than Denver is. There is quite a decent sized queer population here, and quite a few fellow trans people, but it is just not the same open, welcoming environment as Denver. However, I decided I was not going to let that stop me from living the way I want and need to. So I wore my wig again, and put on a little makeup, and had my womens tight skinny jeans on, and a pink shirt, and my long grey femme sweater on, and I owned that ->-bleeped-<-. My wife, our daughter and I all went to a park, and then went to the grocery store. And it felt so amazing to just finally for the first time in my life, to be able to go out in public very much dressing very feminine like obviously trying to present as female. And sure there were a couple looks here and there, but for the most part, people just walked right by me like I was any other person. And it was so nice!!! Cis women who have got to go out dressed however they want for their entire lives just don't understand. But to feel like you are not only experiencing a whole new life, but to be experiencing that life that you spent your entire existence longing for. I love it!!!! I now have been having this new desire to go about and live all of lifes experiences over again as a female.
So anyway.......now that I have decided that I have reached a point of basically wanting to go full time, we are faced with a few challenges. Like what is the best way to go about talking to our daughters school and letting them know that our daughter is going to be having two mommies now. And how do we deal with other friends and family who even though they have known for a while I am trans, I have continued to present as male around them. And now that is about to change. Also, yesterday when out and about as female, our daughter kept calling me "daddy". She is only 5 and she has been calling me that for a couple years now, so I know that one's going to be hard for her. We tried to explain it to her, and have her help us figure out what she would be comfortable calling me, but she was having a hard time wrapping her head around the concept I think. And she kept yelling "Daddy!" across the park and the grocery store. ha ha. There are a lot of issues to deal with when you live with this. But.........the amazing freedom and comfort I feel when getting to finally go out fully as female whether I have any chance of passing or not, is amazing!!! I wish I could find a way to help all trans people reach that point of being confident enough with themselves to be able to dress and present how you want to without feeling that overwhelming paranoia about what others are going to think. What others think about you, says far more about themselves than it does about you.
Oh yeah, my profile picture is me with my new hair. No face change app this time :-) While I still have a lot of feminizing to go in my face......I am actually quite surprised how pleased I am. And I guess that's what counts the most. I could not possibly ever succeed in making everyone else think I look female anyway. So as long as I think I do, and I am okay with that, then that is the definition of winning.
