wife found out i crossdress wants counseling

[niky60435]

any suggestions on this subject
my wife found out I crossdress and wants me to go to counseling
has anyone run into this problem
I feel pulled between wanting to be a woman and keeping my wife happy
I have struggled with this for so long I feel the need to be a woman
please help

[Northern Star Girl]

any suggestions on this subject
my wife found out I crossdress and wants me to go to consoling
has anyone run into this problem
I feel pulled between wanting to be a woman and keeping my wife happy
I have struggled with this for so long I feel the need to be a woman
please help

@niky60435
Hello Niky,  PLEASE KNOW that I am not trying to hijack your thread.  You have asked serious questions and have concerns that many like-minded members here will be able to share with you about.  but I see that you had just become a member of Susan's Place and this is your very first posting...
... so first things first, please allow me to give you my Official Welcome.

I am glad that you have taken the step to become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your  thoughts with other members that may read your posting.
I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.

Please allow me now to officially WELCOME you to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

Below, I posted Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here. 
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED as they will answer questions that many new members ask.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@niky60435 
Oh, and another thing Niky ... to let more members here on the Forums know of your arrival and therefore you will receive more involvement in sharing information of interest with you and other like-minded  members reading it will be more apt to share their thoughts with you.

If you would, please go to the  Introductions Forum  to tell the members about yourself!  You can include the key information that you wrote in your first posting here.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

[Sylvia]

Welcome to the club of the struggle between being yourself and keeping your wife. And I'm speaking as a SO. Counselling and therapy is actually a great starting point, so in that way, your wife is right. But it won't 'cure' you if that is what she wants. I think I kind of hoped that therapy would tell my partner that he isn't really trans, but that didn't happen! Or that it would help him find a way to cope with the dysphoria without any transitioning.
The only way to get through it is by being totally open and honest, take things very s-l-o-w-l-y at a pace she can cope with. The worst thing you could do is to turn up in a dress and wig and say 'coooo-eeee!' My partner started with secretly under-dressing before I found out. He still under-dresses all the time, but outwardly he is very androgynous. He has just started low-dose hormones. He doesn't plan to come out publicly. Not for a long time, anyway.
Be understanding of your wife - expect tears, anger, fear, denial - I went through all those and still do sometimes. She may well change her mind a hundred times about how she feels. Again, I do all the time.
Hope you can work things out.
Syl

[Kendra]

Hello Niky,

I imagine when this happened your wife was quite upset but I think it's a good sign she wants you to see a counselor.  I'd specifically suggest a gender therapist. 

If you feel pulled between wanting to be a woman and keeping your wife happy, keep in mind the concept of gender isn't as simple as we are sometimes led to believe.  Physical and mental characteristics that form in our earlier years don't all occur simultaneously and it's possible to have minor or major differences in our brains that don't quite match our bodies.  Whether your situation is a bit of accommodation or a complete change needed, the most important thing is to live and enjoy life the best way possible for the long term. 

Once your wife gets over her initial shock you may be able to prove to her - you can be a more capable spouse because you understand her better than the average male.

Kendra

[Antonia J]

Welcome!

I did an entire blog of my experience coming out to my wife here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,469.0.html

It was, and remains, the single most hardest period of my life that I went through. It was a bittersweet period, and though I was able to reveal who I am, she divorced me six months after coming out and chose to ghost me and has no relationship with me at all any longer.

However, once on the other side I met a woman and her three children who embrace who I am and are fierce in ensuring I have space to explore my transition and grow into who I need to become. I really found love, and learned how to be loved for me, with the woman who has now been my new wife for two years. It is wonderful.

Good luck - a lot of us have gone through our own turmoil, and this place can be a life saver for venting and support. About all I can say is once the genie is out of the bottle, it never goes back in. Hugs and many wishes for strength to you on the next stage of your journey.

Toni

[Jessica]

Hi Niky 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place, I'm Jessica!
I agree with the consensus that counseling it is a good start and a gender therapist is your better option.  It is a good thing that your wife understands the value of counseling and hopefully she will seek it out with you or on her own. 

Please review the links our resident Northern Exposure gal, @Alaskan Danielle gave you in her greeting.  They can be very helpful in navigating and posting here.

Hugs and smiles, Jess 💁‍♀️

[niky60435]

thank you for all your responses I appreciate the encouragement it is very helpful

[Bobbiw]

Greetings Nicky,

I told my wife about my crossdressing over a year ago, after more than 30 years of marriage.  Not an easy time, but we still love each other and remain committed to working through any thing life brings our way. 

Like your wife, mine suggested therapy, which I took as a great sign.  My wife never seems to be looking for therapy to stop my dressing, but to help me become more at peace with my self.  I have tremendous guilt, shame and secrecy built up over many decades.  So as one of the previous posters mentioned, I believe it is very positive that your wife wants you to see a therapist.

You can google search for therapists that are interested in lgbtq and gender issues located in your area.  I could not find a therapist that specifically listed crossdressing as an area of interest, but the one I chose has other clients that crossdress to various degrees.  A good therapist should be able to help you at many levels, but most importantly in communicating with your wife.

I also wanted to reinforce something mentioned in a previous reply, GO SLOW! You have likely been dealing with your emotions internally for a long time, in my case it was decades.  By the date of your post, it seems your wife has only known for week(s).  It is a big emotional adjustment and I believe takes a long time.  My wife and I are still working on the communicating part, so I think our real adjustments are still ahead.

I hope I've been of some help and comfort.

If you would like to discuss more feel free to pm me.

Hugs,

Bobbi

[Stevi]

Niky,

There is a way forward for you and your wife.  As others have said, take things slowly.  Therapy is a good idea for both of you.   Your wife may not see that readily but no matter how you two end up resolving the current difficulties, she will still need to come to terms with her own issues.  She needs someone to hear her perspective and challenge her thoughts every bit as much as you do.  Therapy is a way to understand our feelings and thoughts without the risk of offending someone that has a vested interest in the outcome.   It is difficult to be honest with others or ourselves when we fear the risk of loss or initiating a conflict is too great.

Hope for the best for you both,
Stevi

[MikeP]

Nikki, I agree with others here.  I have under-dressed for ever and have been able to be open with family and friends but I have also shared this with councilors and she knows I have.  So she is perhaps not thrilled I have chosen to wear lingerie " likes nightgowns"  but sees that I like lingerie and accepts me.  Her biggest issue is what if someone finds out who does not understand.  I get it.